Whose fault was/is this (if anyone's)?

[familieseh]

Family member 1 (host) has a huge garden and hosts gatherings often over summer.

A BBQ has been pending for a while, involving host's family, extended family and friends and neighbours. The purpose of the BBQ is to celebrate two family member's birthdays that are close together.

When first discussed about two months ago, it proved hard to find a date where both birthday family members were available. Also host had a dilemma as to whether to have it on a Saturday or Sunday-given a lot of people have busy Saturdays over Summer, but people work on Mondays and may not want long drives/booze etc.

One of the birthday family members is in a LDR and only sees their DP some weekends, DP always leaves on a Sunday morning as they work on the Monday-it is difficult for them to get Mondays off at this time of year. Host is very aware of this, but it wasn't discussed specifically while making arrangements.

Last time the DP visited everyone was trying to figure out what weekend would be best and decided on this weekend. This was around a month ago.

In the meantime birthday family member's friend asked if they could spend some time with them the Saturday of this weekend-birthday family member mentioned the BBQ and said they were welcome to come to it (which they knew they would be) and mentioned to host who said yes that's fine but then later on, they said to birthday family member 'You do know It's on the Sunday, not the Saturday?'

Birthday family member hadn't known this and is now upset as their DP cannot be at their birthday gathering with them. Their DP is upset because they were looking forward to coming.

Host has said birthday family member should not have assumed it'd be on the Saturday. They've also given their (valid) reasons why the Sunday would be better, and said they discussed it at length with other family members. It had not been specifically mentioned at any point to birthday family member however, despite these discussions, which has riled them somewhat.

Birthday member accepts that they assumed and shouldn't have but feels that host should have specifically mentioned about it being on a Sunday, and should also have perhaps been mindful that birthday member's DP cannot 'do' Sundays when making the decision.

Other info-host reckons they mentioned the date (not day) to both the DP and birthday member. Neither remember this conversation and also have said that this would have been weeks ago and they mightn't' have been mindful to look up whether this was a Sat or a Sun.

Host is upset as birthday member is disappointed and upset and has said they won't attend for the whole day-they were expecting a nice day with their DP and they often have to attend events alone due to LDR and this was going to be a nice day for them, now It's just 'meh'. They're not especially close to anyone else there other than host, and there's a huge age gap with all guests and them too.

Their DP was meant to be doing some of the cooking to give host a break to speak to their friends-which is a small issue.

So was birthday member wrong to assume and should have asked? Was host wrong to assume birthday member knew the day? Should they have specified and/or thought 'hang on, the DP isn't free on Sundays? Should birthday member have made this clearer? All of the above?😂

This is long but I still feel I haven't included all info...I'll answer anything required though!

She's undiagnosed and doesn't want to pursue a diagnosis. I am around 95% sure though and so is she.

It is possible regarding the family member @PowerBMI. I am tempted to ask them if that's the case.

I accept that she doesn't understand me. We're very happy when we're together usually.

Honestly, even if she was diagnosed what would that change?

my son is autistic. I have (diagnosed) adhd. Yes sometimes we may act in a way that NT people don’t understand. But we can also understand when something is very important to someone else, even if we dont understand.

It’s entirely possible that your dp is autistic. But also selfish. Being autistic doesn’t mean you can’t be selfish. Has it occurred to you that your belief she is autistic means she gets her needs and wants met and she doesn’t have to worry about yours?

You seem to be making alot of accommodations, making yourself and your needs smaller. You don’t have to be in this relationship and unhappy because she might be autistic.

It’s entirely possible that your dp is autistic. But also selfish. Being autistic doesn’t mean you can’t be selfish. Has it occurred to you that your belief she is autistic means she gets her needs and wants met and she doesn’t have to worry about yours?

Of the above, yes it has. I've even said those EXACT words to her. We had a conversation some time ago about her not liking speaking on the phone. To me, LDR means phone calls are an essential. But she didn't like talking to me on the phone.
Texts only.

So I said something like 'for all of our relationship you've had a need. A need to not speak to me on the phone. I have also had a need, a need to have phone calls with you otherwise I feel neglected and unimportant to you. For all of our relationship YOUR need has been met, and mine has been ignored. Is that fair?'

That's just one example of many times we've noted that she gets what she wants and I don't get what I want. I do approach things and talk through them. She doesn't like this either, would rather I just suffered and didn't say anything-because she doesn't like to talk.

I have most definitely compromised my needs a lot.

Sorry missed this @LimePi *something fishy here. Is this a parent or PIL?

also why the host assumed that DP will do cooking (without checking whether they can attend at all??)*

Parent
And DP often cooks at things like this, just to be nice to free the host up to relax with their friends

I am not sure what the deal was with assuming they'd be around on a Sunday when they never are though

I am not sure what the deal was with assuming they'd be around on a Sunday when they never are though

Since, from their recollection they had told you the date and you hadn’t objected or said otherwise, they almost certainly assumed your DP had made arrangements to be there. Because that would be the normal way these things go.

It would, I suppose. I really don't think they did mention the date though. I think I'd remember, or at least one of us would remember and/or have checked. They've done this sort of thing before, insisted they've informed me of something when they haven't. I think, as others have said, with other stresses of organising something (I know It's not an easy thing to orchestrate) they just didn't think about it.

Whether they actually told you or not isn’t the point here, though, is it? You are judging the way they approached it, questioning why they would assume things, as though they didn’t tell you and knew that.

If they have form for getting too caught up and not realising and that’s what you think happened here then why are you wondering about their actions on a different basis?

You may have good reason to think it was, in fact, deliberate. That they didn’t tell you in order to give you less opportunity to object. Or to try and highlight how little your DP seems to be prepared to do for you. If that’s the case then you have a very different AIBU, and a much more tricky situation with your DM.

It isn’t what you’re saying when people question you about that aspect directly, but your emotional response seems to be more in line with that. Maybe you need a think about how manipulative you really think your DM is towards you, or whether some of this is just you falling in to the child role and expecting her to be do it all (as most of us are a little prone to do with parents for a while after we hit adulthood)?

*Sorry, I’ve assumed DM there. I should have said DP

OP, I’m really sorry you feel lonely. It’s horrid. Try to enjoy the party and maybe have a good think about the pros and cons of your LDR xxx

I can think of quite a few jobs were you wouldn't want to be "a bit tired" for work.

Hey don’t worry if it’s this Sunday it’ll be cancelled the weather is foul high wind pouring rain; so whoever is right or wrong it won’t matter 😂

@Missingpop I did actually think about that earlier! I'd still be upset for everyone if it rains! It ALWAYS rained around the time of my birthday as a child, even if it had been blazing hot in the run-up to it!

Can I just say that even though your DP might not be there, you've parents throwing you a joint party and you've got a load of people on Mumsnet hoping that you have a wonderful time (weather permitting) on your birthday. You matter a lot! Happy Birthday!

@mrsm43s thank you. And thanks to everyone who's helped and wished me happy birthday-I will try to enjoy it the best I can, I will!

I just know I'd have had a much nicer day if this hadn't have happened.

DP would have been here now and we'd probably have been cuddled up on the sofa or at the pub having a giggle. I live by myself (well, with a dog). This is going to be an odd weekend. I am currently marking work-should probably take a break and go and do something I enjoy (exercise/reading/glass of wine) I suppose, rather than throwing myself into work...

I still don't understand why your partner hasn't come to be with you today and tomorrow, and leave on Sunday morning as they want to.
It just seems like a big sulk. She's not going to the party either way, so why not enjoy today and tomorrow?

She just said she was coming as an 'extra weekend' for the BBQ and now that's off she doesn't see the point. I dont know, I'd have probably felt a bit bereft if she disappeared on Sunday morning and I had to go to the BBQ alone but I'd have loved it if she'd have wanted to come see me anyway regardless!

Given it’s a parent, and the info re DP being uncompromising here’s some pop psychology from my own experiences:

tldr: imo you’re dating a replica of your parent & neither give 2fucks how you actually feel - just (at least for parent) how it looks

if raised by a parent that likes the attention of being seen be so charitable/giving/generous (bbq on day more people could attend)

but without the inclination to actually care about what you/others feel (so it doesn’t matter if you are happy/sad as long as they have been seen to do this ‘lovely oh so generous thing’)

and so you’ve been raised to believe your feelings don’t matter - only ‘the look of the thing’ matters

being seen with your DP thus matters to you also, and having your feelings disregarded by them (no calls/no Sundays) is what you’ve been raised all your life to expect (fuck how you feel, other people matter more)

unfortunately when raised by someone who cares more about their reputation than their child you are more likely to pick assholes who also follow that pattern due to associating being put 2nd/3rd/4th/nowhere behind a reputation/other ‘more important’ people

Or it could be something else entirely & I’m extrapolating too wildly from my own experience.

OP, kindly, you need to work on your own self-esteem. Your happiness should not be linked to the presence of another person. It's unhealthy and will lead to a codependent relationship where you will be miserable but will accept it because you can't be alone. A shit partner is not better than no partner. A shit relationship is not better than no relationship.

Thank you @TawnyFae , I am open to all theories.

My last relationship was absuive. Mostly emotionally but some physically-and the physically was BAD (I am lucky to be alive, put it that way).

i spend three years being alone and working on myself. I feel it hasn't worked!I had therapy and got back to where I was before, so I thought.

I have qualifications in MH, to the level that I now teach those who want to qualify in it. I am not totally naïve to all this stuff. I've been alone most of my life in some sense anyway. I am disappointed that this happened and HOW it happened, I mean if my friend hadn't have asked to see me and my inviting them to the BBQ, I might not even know even now, that it wasn't tomorrow!

Kind of wish she'd have come here before we both found out, to be honest (but no, that's not nice of me).

My other parent (not host parent) is/was abusive.

Everyone is being unreasonable. Someone has a bbq, for whatever reason, you say thank you. If you want to celebrate your birthday in another way, then do that. It’s just a birthday, there will be another one next year. Life is too short, deep breath have a good time.

YABU to write such a long post.

Ahh ((hugs)) I’m sorry to hear that Fam

you have survived a lot and are navigating tricky relationships having been gifted a broken compass growing up

past counsellor told me it was very optimistic of me to expect to turn around 30+years of crappy input even in a few years of therapy 🤣 so I totally understand any frustration/sadness around ‘when does all this therapy/work I’ve done start to make a bloody difference??!’

suffice to say your therapy seems to be working if you’re noticing behaviours you don’t like and are also questioning them

I occasionally don’t like the answers I get, but I care a little less about those that hurt me each time they do, and enjoy the company of people that care about me a lot more

and that last group absolutely now contains me too & so I also feel less lonely

as many a wonderful mner advised before, there’s nowt as lonely as being with people who you care for, but don’t have a care for you back

good for you to have survived so much, I really wish you so much more care & love than is currently being miserly doled out to you

I hope you can be generous to yourself along the way

Ah there you go, some people correctly guessed there is a black sheep scenario here at play. So sorry OP! You matter, and you are enough! Even if a parent is trying to show you otherwise.
Hugs to you x

These are very good points.

Thank you @TawnyFae . It's nice to feel cared about, thank you for taking the time to write that. I hope I give back in some way, as they say therapists are always rubbish at sorting their own lives out! It stuck out to me that you care a little less each time, I am like that too, most definitely-I am quite 'hard' with most people and I have a smaller circle but I am careful who's in it. BUT, I may have got it wrong with my DP. I am not sure I am ready to think along those lines yet..
To be fair, the host parent is absolutely brilliant in other ways, I am very close to them.

@LimePi yup, always a black sheep! Thank you for the support. I feel better and I am glad I posted this thread, it has helped me figure out what's going on, and put things into perspective