AITA - snubbed from DH's family holiday

[medicmumma]

Very upset at the moment :(

Me and my DH live approx 8 hours away from DH's family. DH's family every year have a UK holiday close to where they live (i.e. beachy UK holiday) however because of work commitments (they usually do this around the 1st weekend of August which is changeover for doctors so I am unable to get annual leave) I haven't been able to previously make it and have always been very apologetic about this. The holiday is usually DH's parents, all the sons/daughters + grandchildren + pets and its one of the few times in the year where we are all able to get together.

I've changed jobs this year so I was so happy to be able to attend this year and DH and I told his parents this 2 months ago, however they told us they weren't doing the family holiday this year as they were planning to go abroad away later in the year (just the two of them) for their anniversary. However today I found out via Instagram that the whole family (parents, siblings, children, pets) have gone away without us. I'm annoyed for:

1. Being excluded
2. Being lied to as they said they weren't doing the family holiday

My DH called them today as I have been upset and tbh he is upset too. They said that it was a last minute trip which I find difficult to believe given that they had to book accommodation for 8 people and they have all managed to get AL off/pet friendly accommodation. Even one of DH's siblings GF came and they've been dating for about 2 minutes.

I've always had a good relationship with DH's whole family, including his parents (they stayed with us last month for a weekend - we even paid for them to go see ABBA Voyage!) and being excluded and being lied to has really made me question my relationship with them.

Moreover we were planning to book train tickets this week to go see them next month as it has been a while since we managed to visit - I've said to DH that he can go as he should go see his family, but I don't feel like going at all. I'm pregnant too with our 1st child so I was really looking forward to seeing them and the next time likely I will be able to visit after next month is close to birth/after baby is born. I normally speak to his parents 1-2 times/week and I just don't feel like speaking to them at all - we were even planning to call them today to tell them baby's gender as we found out last week but both DH and I just feel like why should they deserve to know.

AITA for being upset. It's difficult because I've always been close to them and I don't want to cause tensions (especially given we are the only siblings that live away) between DH and his family, but at the same time I'm really upset about being excluded and lied to.

NTA. Would your husband call them and say "We saw that you guys did the big family holiday this year, was there a reason that you did it without us and lied about it?"

No you’re not. But you sound more upset than he does, even though it’s his family. Something must be behind it, perhaps something you don’t know?

That's awful

I think you need to speak to them and find out what's going on
Even if it was last minute, why not invite you?

Honestly, you sound a bit over the top about it, especially if you’ve been ‘apologetic’ every year because your job means you can’t go on holiday when they do. If you’re normally close and get on as well as you say, I don’t see why you’re leaping to the conclusion you’ve been ‘excluded’ and lied to’? Why would you assume malice? Isn’t it more likely they’re simply used to you (and your DH, or has he gone on the family holidays without you?) not being able to go on a summer holiday with them, so just overlooked you when making plans?

Maybe op's dh is too embarrassed and ashamed to be saying much? Imo this is a blessing op. Now you can favour them with the same respect when raising your dc. They won't be fitted in to your busy lives now.. No spending hours /days /weeks pandering to visits and sending photos and updates. Leave them all to it..
You now know where you both figure...

When they told the in-laws they were free to come a whole 2 months ago?

I think @PrayerFactory has a v good point about why assume malice if you get on well.

But if you feel.if was a slight, then maybe dial it back a bit and leave the phone chats to them and their son.

I'd be wary of using your unborn child as a pawn though - ultimately life will be happier for your child if they have a good relationship with their grandparents and.wider family.

Do the PIL and/or any of the rest of the holiday group know that you know?

This is not AITA

I'd assume that it was organised after you spoke to them and they just forgot that you could come this year because every other year you haven't attended. If you all get on well, there's no reason to think they would deliberately exclude you and lie about it. It may be that your pregnancy hormones are making this all seem more fraught than it is.
In the past, did your DH go on the holiday without you? If he did, then it would be strange they forgot him this year. But if he never attended then they probably assumed neither of you really wanted invited on the holiday.

@ApiratesaysYarrr Yeah my DH called them today as he was upset too - they said it was last minute (but with 8 people all with full time jobs organising AL and booking accommodation in a popular tourist attraction the pessimist in me finds this difficult to believe and the fact they've not mentioned it despite me talking to multiple members of DH's family in the past few weeks).

@AnneLovesGilbert I think me being more upset is maybe a difference in personalities - DH is very stoic (although he said he is upset in this situation which is not like him and he called his parents to tell them he was upset without me telling him to) whereas I'm quite emotional/in particular get sad with getting excluded from events. I also feel like I'm upset because I am so close with DH's family, in particular his dad as I don't have a close relationship with mine so it's hit hard. His parents were basically my adoptee parents when I was at medical school (i.e. I couldn't go home one Christmas due to COVID lockdowns and I stayed with them). I feel like I've been snubbed almost by my own family.

@Flibbertigibbettytoes Yeah that's another reason I don't want to cause tension - it's not fair on the baby or DH but I'm just so upset

But surely, given that they get on so well and see a lot of one another, simply forgetting that the OP was actually available this year for the usual August slot is more likely than that they decided to do some kind of massive cover-up and covert holiday?

Or that, given that the ILs had said they weren’t doing a family holiday in the usual August slot the OP has never previously been able to make, they see this as a wholly separate thing? (I mean, the OP told the ILs two months back she could make the usual August slot for once, but they seem to have gone on holiday in July instead this year — could the OP even have made a July holiday?)

It just sounds odd to ascribe it to malice given that everyone involved is close and gets on.

Yeah his sister knows as DH told me she was in the room when he called his parents - and also knows that I was able to attend this year (I was very excited about being able to come this year because of my new job so had mentioned it several times)

Oh, this is so sad. Could it be that one of DH's siblings don't like you and threw their toys out of the pram when you said you could make it this year? Could one of DH's siblings be having fertility problems that your ILs aren't able to disclose?

If you have a good relationship with your ILs then I would let this one slide. You've let them know you're dissappointed. The ship has sailed. I would invite them down to visit you rather than travel to see them if they are able. If they feel guilty and/or truly care at all then they'll make the effort.

@Flibbertigibbettytoes And I don't know what to do about this trip we were planning to do next month to see them as we were going to book train tickets this week - I've told DH to go, but right now I am adamant I don't want to go

Don't book tickets, I wouldn't be engaging with them for a while.

I get it. If it was organised last minute why werent you asked? Its not august wheb they usually go and you cant so thats not even an excuse. Yes, I would be asking questions

Same, not to say your relationship has to be damaged forever, just for a short while take a step back until you feel better about all this. What did they say when your husband called?

I would be upset by this too OP 💐

The last minute booking excuse doesn't work as they knew you were free this year, so why didn't they invite you?

I too would be really hurt by this.

I'd definitely dial back the calls and visits etc. it seems that you're putting a lot more into this relationship than you're getting out.

Obviously your DH is welcome to visit etc as he chooses, but he must be hurt too; his own parents didn't invite him, but invited his siblings, their children and their pets?!??

Plus the lying about it.

They aren't nice people.

But isn’t this a different time slot? You’d said you were able to get away this year for their usual August slot, but they’ve already gone away and it’s only early/mid-July.

I think I’d be very upset and dial back the contact. I can’t imagine what their excuse is for not inviting you knowing you were available.

Yeah it is a different time slot to usual holiday but I still feel hurt by being the only ones not there and not even asked - PIL said they were going away but never mentioned it was everyone apart from us

Whatever the date there is no obvious reason why they did not ask OP and her family. It makes no sense at all. They knew OP was happy that she could go this year (i.e. the idea of this holiday was something she was happy to do) and yet they have excluded her. I would want to know why.

Irrationally irritates me too!

maybe they just got on with what they usually do as it was easier, all the profuse apologies you made before sound like maybe you didn’t really want to go anyway.