AITA - snubbed from DH's family holiday

[medicmumma]

Very upset at the moment :(

Me and my DH live approx 8 hours away from DH's family. DH's family every year have a UK holiday close to where they live (i.e. beachy UK holiday) however because of work commitments (they usually do this around the 1st weekend of August which is changeover for doctors so I am unable to get annual leave) I haven't been able to previously make it and have always been very apologetic about this. The holiday is usually DH's parents, all the sons/daughters + grandchildren + pets and its one of the few times in the year where we are all able to get together.

I've changed jobs this year so I was so happy to be able to attend this year and DH and I told his parents this 2 months ago, however they told us they weren't doing the family holiday this year as they were planning to go abroad away later in the year (just the two of them) for their anniversary. However today I found out via Instagram that the whole family (parents, siblings, children, pets) have gone away without us. I'm annoyed for:

1. Being excluded
2. Being lied to as they said they weren't doing the family holiday

My DH called them today as I have been upset and tbh he is upset too. They said that it was a last minute trip which I find difficult to believe given that they had to book accommodation for 8 people and they have all managed to get AL off/pet friendly accommodation. Even one of DH's siblings GF came and they've been dating for about 2 minutes.

I've always had a good relationship with DH's whole family, including his parents (they stayed with us last month for a weekend - we even paid for them to go see ABBA Voyage!) and being excluded and being lied to has really made me question my relationship with them.

Moreover we were planning to book train tickets this week to go see them next month as it has been a while since we managed to visit - I've said to DH that he can go as he should go see his family, but I don't feel like going at all. I'm pregnant too with our 1st child so I was really looking forward to seeing them and the next time likely I will be able to visit after next month is close to birth/after baby is born. I normally speak to his parents 1-2 times/week and I just don't feel like speaking to them at all - we were even planning to call them today to tell them baby's gender as we found out last week but both DH and I just feel like why should they deserve to know.

AITA for being upset. It's difficult because I've always been close to them and I don't want to cause tensions (especially given we are the only siblings that live away) between DH and his family, but at the same time I'm really upset about being excluded and lied to.

Maybe since they talk twice a week, they just talk about it?

It really is horrible behaviour on the part of the lot of them. I would be hurt too but I wouldn’t cut them off. I would however wake up and realise what you mean to them and keep a distance but maintain polite contact.

I’m not assuming malice on the grounds that the OP repeatedly says she and her DH are close to his parents, talk a lot, that she sees them as quasi-parents and that they were her home from home during medical school. Nothing there suggests any reason to believe this was a conscious or malicious exclusion.

I think a lot of posters have misunderstood and think that the ILs all went off on a mass holiday at the same time as usual after the OP had told them that for once she could make it, but in fact they’re on holiday now, in mid-July, not their usual August one, so possibly an entirely different holiday to their minds, especially as they told the OP they weren’t doing the usual family holiday in August this year.

I mean, obviously, I don’t know these people, but if they’re nice people as the OP says, who have been warm and welcoming to her for years, it’s surely more likely to be a misunderstanding or, as they said, a genuinely last-minute decision that other family members happened to be available for?

If they usually go to the same place , could they have booked for this year whilst there last year ,meaning they couldn't include you , but too embarrassed to say

How many other siblings went?

I would think about taking a step back

The point is they didnt ask-dont assume people cant do something because theyve said so before

the op couldnt because of her job not that she didnt want to go

thanks everyone for their advice. I’m still upset (and I don’t really care if that makes me ‘soft’ like some people have said) but I’ve decided I’m going to try to be a bigger person and move on.

DH has already told them we’re upset and they’ve not apologised. Im going to stay quiet until they apologise and once they do leave this in the past. I don’t feel like visiting next month but encouraging DH to go himself and once baby is born, encourage them to come down and visit rather than get the train up myself. At the end of the day, they’ve always been good to me up until now but I need to show that we’re upset, deserve an apology and this shouldn’t happen again - regardless of the reason it happened this time whether it be that they truly forgot to invite us or whether it was because of malice (I.e one of the siblings didn’t want us to be there). It’s been a good reminder to not fully trust and give your all to people.

@medicmumma That sounds like a good plan of action. If they have a good reason then they might not need to apologise and they're entitled to go away without you unfortunately. Upsetting but you can't decide for them. Although, I would feel deeply upset by this which I why I have adopted self preservation with my ILS and don't give too much energy to them.

However, you can't hold on to this single situation forever. I acknowledge that my ILS can be off with me but are good grandparents to my DC which is why my home is open for them to stay and see my children.

When you're heavily pregnant or have a young baby, travelling to see relatives isn't on you. It's one of those situations where ILS need to make the effort to come to see you. Invite them and make sure they know they're welcome in your home but their reaction in itself might be telling if they don't want to make the effort that often. My ILS actually do make a huge effort to come to us and did even when we only had older child (I'm talking 7 hour journeys on a monthly basis which I think was a lot and would have only expected every few months at the most).

For God's sake, it was a shitty thing for them to do. Whether it was last minute or not, at some point they all discussed the fact that you and DH were not to be invited. I would not go out of my way for them again. As in travelling for hours to see the. Let them come to you. When people act like dicks, don't bury your head in the sand. It never ends we. Of course they are entitled to go on holiday without you. Its not a nice thing to do though is it.

Loads of spelling mistakes, jist is, agree that you should wait for an apology. It was a shit thing to do no matter how you look at it.

I think there’s nothing you can do, just take it that it is what it is. Their actions spoke the words they didn’t say: that for whatever reason they didn’t want you there.

I never want apologies or explanations, yes they help smooth things a bit, but they don’t change the facts.

See it as knowledge as power. Now you’re armed with the knowledge that they like your company less than you’d previously thought, I’d act accordingly: no drama but a bit less proactive in making arrangements to see them.

It never ceases to amaze me how shitty some people are. At the very least they should have instantly apologised once DH spoke to them. Sometimes I think people are bloody nasty simply because they can.

Did your DH never go on the family holiday? If so, it's not that surprising that they thought neither of you wanted to come. All this passive-aggressiveness waiting for an apology isn't very mature and isn't good for the baby. Imagine throwing away years of good relations because they forgot to invite you to a holiday that you've routinely snubbed.

Surely it being last minute isn't an excuse given they knew you could come?

Imo now you know how much you figure into their thoughts you pass the same regard.. No way would I be travelling to them. Not with a dc... Presumably they know your address..

I don’t understand why you are pressurising your DH to still go and see them, when really he has even more right to be upset than you.

They are his parents, his family, and they all got together behind his back to arrange a holiday without him.

Fuck that shit.

There's a shitty way for them to behave. They need to acknowledge and apologise.

I agree with PPs that you definitely should not be travelling to them with a newborn! Even without all this fallout, they can make the effort to come and see you when you're PP.

I do think it's very odd behaviour considering how close you are. I would want answers but I would also be keeping an open mind as to the reasons. It might be shitty but say one of the siblings did have fertility issues that they didn't want to share with you or DH but that they had shared with your ILs. What if they then asked that the holiday exclude you as it would be too hard to see you pregnant/with a newborn. The sibling would be selfish and in the wrong and the ILs might be unreasonable to pander to them, but it certainly paints a different picture. The sibling might see that their parents are going to be very much focussed on the new arrival soon.

I'm only giving this as an example as my ILs have disclosed to my DH that his DB and SIL are having trouble TTC. They asked him not to tell me but he obviously did. My DH's DSis is travelling from abroad around the time of my due date to meet our new baby. It's really interesting watching them casually make up lies about DH's DSis being keen to visit her other DB (who lives at the other end of the UK) rather than BIL and SIL coming down to us as would normally be expected. I know it's because they don't feel up to seeing a heavily pregnant woman/newborn. It does hurt that they don't wish to share this information with me. I have no idea if BIL has made this request or if it is my ILs decision. All I know is that my BIL and SIL aren't deliberately avoiding me because they dislike me.

This was my very long-winded way of saying you never know what could be happening behind the scenes. I'm usually happy to call an arsehole an arsehole but it's the fact you all speak so often and had such a strong relationship that makes me wonder...

You're now off the hook re any family commitments in the future. You need to ask what happened with communication and did you miss something.

Update - my DH texted them to apologise and they’ve now texted me to apologise. Doesn’t feel very sincere tbh given DH called them yesterday to tell them how we felt and they didn’t apologise then.

Feel like this has made the situation ten times worse as I thought I would be happy when they apologised but the fact DH had to ask for it has made me more frustrated. I hate my brain can’t just accept the apology and move on

What is AITA?

Someone explained upthread.

I don't blame you.

A text apology is lame.

I think I'd be really cool with them for a while and keep some distance.

Nah, no matter what the reasons are this is not very nice to you both at all.

You are allowed to be upset, it is how YOU feel, not how you think you should react (be kind blx) that matters.

I'd just be on the right side of icy politeness TBH. And I would not travel with the baby to see them either. I would however make it very clear that you are open to them coming to you and they are very welcome or some other insincere shite like that.

Congrats on the babe, best of luck.