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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AITA - snubbed from DH's family holiday

163 replies

medicmumma · 12/07/2023 21:40

Very upset at the moment :(

Me and my DH live approx 8 hours away from DH's family. DH's family every year have a UK holiday close to where they live (i.e. beachy UK holiday) however because of work commitments (they usually do this around the 1st weekend of August which is changeover for doctors so I am unable to get annual leave) I haven't been able to previously make it and have always been very apologetic about this. The holiday is usually DH's parents, all the sons/daughters + grandchildren + pets and its one of the few times in the year where we are all able to get together.

I've changed jobs this year so I was so happy to be able to attend this year and DH and I told his parents this 2 months ago, however they told us they weren't doing the family holiday this year as they were planning to go abroad away later in the year (just the two of them) for their anniversary. However today I found out via Instagram that the whole family (parents, siblings, children, pets) have gone away without us. I'm annoyed for:

  1. Being excluded
  2. Being lied to as they said they weren't doing the family holiday

My DH called them today as I have been upset and tbh he is upset too. They said that it was a last minute trip which I find difficult to believe given that they had to book accommodation for 8 people and they have all managed to get AL off/pet friendly accommodation. Even one of DH's siblings GF came and they've been dating for about 2 minutes.

I've always had a good relationship with DH's whole family, including his parents (they stayed with us last month for a weekend - we even paid for them to go see ABBA Voyage!) and being excluded and being lied to has really made me question my relationship with them.

Moreover we were planning to book train tickets this week to go see them next month as it has been a while since we managed to visit - I've said to DH that he can go as he should go see his family, but I don't feel like going at all. I'm pregnant too with our 1st child so I was really looking forward to seeing them and the next time likely I will be able to visit after next month is close to birth/after baby is born. I normally speak to his parents 1-2 times/week and I just don't feel like speaking to them at all - we were even planning to call them today to tell them baby's gender as we found out last week but both DH and I just feel like why should they deserve to know.

AITA for being upset. It's difficult because I've always been close to them and I don't want to cause tensions (especially given we are the only siblings that live away) between DH and his family, but at the same time I'm really upset about being excluded and lied to.

OP posts:
howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 12/07/2023 22:46

What does AITA stand for?

BravoMyDear · 12/07/2023 22:47

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 12/07/2023 22:46

What does AITA stand for?

“Am I the Asshole?” It’s a well popular sub on Reddit.

momtoboys · 12/07/2023 22:51

PrayerFactory · 12/07/2023 21:47

Honestly, you sound a bit over the top about it, especially if you’ve been ‘apologetic’ every year because your job means you can’t go on holiday when they do. If you’re normally close and get on as well as you say, I don’t see why you’re leaping to the conclusion you’ve been ‘excluded’ and lied to’? Why would you assume malice? Isn’t it more likely they’re simply used to you (and your DH, or has he gone on the family holidays without you?) not being able to go on a summer holiday with them, so just overlooked you when making plans?

I don't agree. The family knew that OP and her husband were available to join them 2 onths ago and were told there was going to be no family trip. Either: b) They were lying then and just didn't want to tell OP or b) they are lying now. Either way its unkind.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 12/07/2023 22:52

medicmumma · 12/07/2023 22:39

Yeah it is a different time slot to usual holiday but I still feel hurt by being the only ones not there and not even asked - PIL said they were going away but never mentioned it was everyone apart from us

In that case they deliberately didn't ask you. I'd also be wondering if a "preferred" sibling didn't want you there for some reason as someone else mentioned.

MCOut · 12/07/2023 23:12

Very soft NTA. They lied and it’s ok for you to be upset about that. I actually think YABU too because your reaction is disproportionate.

You’re behaving as though they have rejected you. They had probably booked this holiday prior to finding out that you would be available. I assume that they didn’t want to hurt your feelings by saying there wasn’t enough space for you to come.

Just tell them that you would prefer honesty next time.

Pallisers · 12/07/2023 23:15

I couldn't imagine my parents inviting all their children to have a holiday with them except me. It is really hurtful and there really isn't any other way of looking at it other than the OP's dh was excluded from the invitation. Maybe he/she couldn't have gone but an invitation is normal.

I've been married a long time and it would take a lot to make me fall out with in laws or family. So, OP, I wouldn't fall out/change the way you react. Life is long. But I think it perfectly fine if you don't want to go visit them next month. And I think it perfectly fine for your husband to tell his parents "well she was very hurt that we were the only ones not invited on the holiday - and tbh so am I"

I have adult children. I cannot imagine doing this to one of them.

DaisyUpsy · 12/07/2023 23:15

Yanbu. They know you can't usually go the first week of Aug, but they didn't go in Aug in this year anyway so could have invited you.

Even if it was last min they could have asked.

Even if it wasn't malicious it was thoughtless.

IamfeelingHopeful · 12/07/2023 23:27

I am one of five children and we do all holiday in different configurations. While eight sounds a lot... but in our family that would be two grandparents, my family of four and my sister's family of three - so 9 in total. This configuration would not include my three other siblings.
I am wondering if you are telling us that everyone else from the family were invited....except you? Or were other's not there. Is there a reason they all went like do they live near each other?

IamfeelingHopeful · 12/07/2023 23:28

This picture that you have painted..."DH's parents, all the sons/daughters + grandchildren + pets and its one of the few times in the year where we are all able to get together." is much more than eight people. I am wondering if you are feeling a little over sensitive as it does not seem you were the only people left out?

Ilikejamtarts · 12/07/2023 23:29

I don't think you are being unreasonable! My partners brother, SIL and niece live over 6hours away whereas his parents are in the same town as us. They arrange UK holidays several times through the year and tend to stay at a half way point between the parents and the brother. I've been with my partner 4 and half years and we have never been invited along 🤷🏻‍♀️ it baffles me especially as My partner loves and misses his brother and would love to see him more so I don't get why we've never been invited. It does hurt me and it sure as hell hurts my partner! This year however my partner did loose his shit about some things and went and spoke to his parents. He came back home with an invite for us to join the next holiday. Still hurtful to have never been included previously though.

knockyknees · 12/07/2023 23:49

YANBU

They outright lied to you, snuck around behind your back, and deliberately excluded you - and their own child. They're very nasty people. It'd be a very long time, if ever, before I engaged with them again. The upcoming visit certainly wouldn't be going ahead.

ButterflyOil · 12/07/2023 23:49

It’s not anything to do with your pregnancy is it? Any siblings trying or something like that?

AngryBirdsNoMore · 13/07/2023 00:01

IamfeelingHopeful · 12/07/2023 23:28

This picture that you have painted..."DH's parents, all the sons/daughters + grandchildren + pets and its one of the few times in the year where we are all able to get together." is much more than eight people. I am wondering if you are feeling a little over sensitive as it does not seem you were the only people left out?

I wondered this too - it sounded like maybe 20 people.

who actually went?

NeedToChangeName · 13/07/2023 00:15

Ilikejamtarts · 12/07/2023 23:29

I don't think you are being unreasonable! My partners brother, SIL and niece live over 6hours away whereas his parents are in the same town as us. They arrange UK holidays several times through the year and tend to stay at a half way point between the parents and the brother. I've been with my partner 4 and half years and we have never been invited along 🤷🏻‍♀️ it baffles me especially as My partner loves and misses his brother and would love to see him more so I don't get why we've never been invited. It does hurt me and it sure as hell hurts my partner! This year however my partner did loose his shit about some things and went and spoke to his parents. He came back home with an invite for us to join the next holiday. Still hurtful to have never been included previously though.

@Ilikejamtarts that sounds like a good outcome, surely? Your DP says he'd like to join in next time, and is invited

Until now, perhaps other family members thought you didn't want to join jn

Codlingmoths · 13/07/2023 00:35

I don’t think I’d be going on next months visit, feeling like I’d been lied too. Nor calling them to chat while they were on their holiday with everyone but you. If this is a one off you will get over it, but that doesn’t mean you don’t get to feel hurt and lied to for a period now.

SindyisbetterthanBarbie · 13/07/2023 00:38

BravoMyDear · 12/07/2023 22:47

“Am I the Asshole?” It’s a well popular sub on Reddit.

Show quote history

I'm glad someone else asked, I also had no idea since this isn't reddit

WandaWonder · 13/07/2023 00:44

If it happened to me I could see it 2 ways, 1. some great planned slight against me or 2. something that just happened

I would personally go with 2 I don't feel the need to come up with some back story that means I have to feel like I need to 'hate' people or some other bad feeling

sff · 13/07/2023 00:50

They didn't book August so no reason for them to assume you couldn't attend.

I'd be hurt and I certainly wouldn't be making the effort to see them.

Tinkerbyebye · 13/07/2023 00:57

I would be hurt, you gave them notice two months ago you could go, they said they were not doing a family holiday, then did one without asking you or their son

i would think that actually they don’t care for you or their son as much as you think they do. I would be making any effort to go and see them, they can now make the effort to come to you, staying in other accommodation

Seddon · 13/07/2023 01:31

AngryBirdsNoMore · 13/07/2023 00:01

I wondered this too - it sounded like maybe 20 people.

who actually went?

Show quote history

Parents plus 2 siblings and their partners would be six - assuming they're all youngish like OP having first baby, maybe 2 kids between them. Or some/all of the kids are little enough to not need a bed therefore not included in the head count. But why nitpick over this point, it's not really the issue is it?

Rainbowqueeen · 13/07/2023 01:32

I think they booked it more than 2 months ago on the assumption that you wouldn’t be able to go. Then you changed your job, said you could come on the usual holiday and they panicked and lied. Which was stupid as you can hardly hide a family trip like that.
I would ask DH to have a conversation with them about how hurt you are. And I’d assess what to do after that depending on how sincerely they apologise

Tophy124 · 13/07/2023 01:38

I wouldn’t go to see them and I hope your DH also doesn’t go. If they ask why tell them you are hurt. Why can’t they make an effort to come to you? I think they’ve really messed up here and I’d be hurt if my family or my in-laws did this to us and I would let them know it was hurtful. I’d scale back all contact and let them make some effort now. I cannot is fine treating my children like this. Are there any golden child dynamics going on with his siblings? Are they a lot younger?

PleaseDontLickThat · 13/07/2023 01:58

My mum has this thing of not letting me visit when any of my siblings are. She’s ok-ish having my DS plus her family and me and my family for an afternoon (really a couple of hours) once or twice a year, but for some reason she will not allow me to be under the same roof as my DB and SIL. I’m not terribly close with my DB but it’s not like we’ve ever come to blows or anything, or even had a major argument? It’s bizarre and makes family gatherings awkward and complicated. He is definitely the golden child.

Could it be something like this - the golden child has a (real or imagined) tension with you or your husband, so your PILs are avoiding too much contact?

PleaseDontLickThat · 13/07/2023 02:01

But as for your AIBU, you are definitely NBU - I would definitely be taking a step back and let everything blow over. If you’re very close to them, you could have another conversation to reiterate that you were hurt that everyone went on holiday without you (without implying they were purposely excluding you). You could also get your DH to do it, especially if he is also hurt. If it was really thoughtlessness then hopefully it won’t happen again.

SunRainStorm · 13/07/2023 02:04

That's very hurtful.

Even if it was last minute- they could have texted you and said they were planning something last minute- and ask if there was any chance you could join them.

I'd be taking a few steps back as well. Don't share your news about the baby with them now, this will just spoil it.

I think it's on them to repair the damage at this point and I wouldn't be making much effort before they did.