AITA - snubbed from DH's family holiday

[medicmumma]

Very upset at the moment :(

Me and my DH live approx 8 hours away from DH's family. DH's family every year have a UK holiday close to where they live (i.e. beachy UK holiday) however because of work commitments (they usually do this around the 1st weekend of August which is changeover for doctors so I am unable to get annual leave) I haven't been able to previously make it and have always been very apologetic about this. The holiday is usually DH's parents, all the sons/daughters + grandchildren + pets and its one of the few times in the year where we are all able to get together.

I've changed jobs this year so I was so happy to be able to attend this year and DH and I told his parents this 2 months ago, however they told us they weren't doing the family holiday this year as they were planning to go abroad away later in the year (just the two of them) for their anniversary. However today I found out via Instagram that the whole family (parents, siblings, children, pets) have gone away without us. I'm annoyed for:

1. Being excluded
2. Being lied to as they said they weren't doing the family holiday

My DH called them today as I have been upset and tbh he is upset too. They said that it was a last minute trip which I find difficult to believe given that they had to book accommodation for 8 people and they have all managed to get AL off/pet friendly accommodation. Even one of DH's siblings GF came and they've been dating for about 2 minutes.

I've always had a good relationship with DH's whole family, including his parents (they stayed with us last month for a weekend - we even paid for them to go see ABBA Voyage!) and being excluded and being lied to has really made me question my relationship with them.

Moreover we were planning to book train tickets this week to go see them next month as it has been a while since we managed to visit - I've said to DH that he can go as he should go see his family, but I don't feel like going at all. I'm pregnant too with our 1st child so I was really looking forward to seeing them and the next time likely I will be able to visit after next month is close to birth/after baby is born. I normally speak to his parents 1-2 times/week and I just don't feel like speaking to them at all - we were even planning to call them today to tell them baby's gender as we found out last week but both DH and I just feel like why should they deserve to know.

AITA for being upset. It's difficult because I've always been close to them and I don't want to cause tensions (especially given we are the only siblings that live away) between DH and his family, but at the same time I'm really upset about being excluded and lied to.

I think they’ve been really hurtful here - so what if it was last minute, they still had time to invite the other siblings but couldn’t ask you and your DH? I wouldn’t be visiting them or calling with baby news either, they owe you an apology and an explanation.

They always pick a holiday for a date you can't make and then as soon as you can make the date, they go at a different time without saying anything? Charming.

In the unlikely scenario that that happened, then you just say ‘sorry, we’ve already booked’. Or they could have given OP and her DH the chance to book nearby accommodation.

It sounds like they they’ve enjoyed the subterfuge and the risk that DH and OP would find out.

I wonder if they pay for the accommodation and resent paying for DH and OP? Parents can treat individual children very differently.

If you normally get on really well then I would try not to over think this - who knows what was going on behind the scenes. I would go with DH to visit them and ask them about the holiday, where they went, what they did and just say how sad you are that you missed it and that you'd love to go next year if possible.

I would also get DH to ask separately if there is any problem with either of you and the others that went and to reiterate how disappointed you were and how much you like the PIL. Just to see if there's something else going on that you're not aware of that they might be more likely to admit to him on his own.

I think it’s quite likely to have been booked well before 2 months ahead.

Instead of doing the sensible thing they didn’t want to look in the wrong for not wanting to rebook so they panicked and lied that they had already booked to go abroad. (That particular lie supports the idea it was already arranged).

I think that’s more likely than the alternative.

I'd be honest and tell them you are hurt at being excluded from the family holiday this year. You are confused on why they have excluded you as you thought you had a very close relationship. You've struggling to believe it was last minute due to the number of people invited and the leave they would have had to arrange to go. Then see what they say.

Your poor husband 😓

I think if there was no intent to exclude
A. You would have known
B. They would have been apologetic rather than dismissive.

It's disappointing and upseting but there isnt much you can do as its their family dynamic / their problem. It is not personal although i know it feels personal.

Start detaching and distancing now it will help you long term.
Do not go next month and expect these differences to surface more once you have had the baby.

My policy with the inlaws is i am nice / do kind things if it costs me nothing / isnt inconvenient but my DH drives the relationship and visits without me sometimes. Bizarrely mil has got MUCH nicer to me since i got less nice to her....

MOST IMPORTANTLY...
IT'S NOT YOU, ITS THEM

There could be any number of reasons why OP and family were not included, and the OP will only know what they are by asking.

"I was greatly looking forward to the big family holiday this year and was shocked to find it had happened without us being included or even informed about it. It would be helpful to know what the reason for that is."

Because you have such a good relationship with them I think you should neither let it slide nor silently seethe and withdraw from them. You’re otherwise close to them, and it’s such a reasonable thing to get upset about, that you’re in a good position to try to work it out with them.

Rather than coming across as offended, you could try approaching them from the point of view of you being worried that you must have done something to offend them in order for them to exclude you. If you come at it from the angle of it somehow being your fault, there’s no way they can accuse you of being unreasonable for being upset about it, and it gives them an opening to admit if there’s something else going on that you don’t know about. All this may be better coming from your DH, but he should leave them in no doubt about how upset you are about this.

Good luck, OP!

I agree but DH needs to deal with this. Take his parents on one side and have a frank chat about it.

it's not using the baby as a pawn, it's showing respect to the parents.

Grand-parents cannot treat their daughter-in-law badly but expect to have any right or a close relationship with the baby.

So they go on family holidays when they know you can´t make it and when you inform them that you can make it they change the date and go secretly. Hmmm. Methinks your relationship with them isn´t as close as you thought it was and that hits hard when you realise. I have to smile at the mental gymnastics and contorsions used by some in this thread to justify the unjustifiable. I can´t imagine my mum doing that to either of her kids. Personally, I would cool the relationship, no drama no strange antics, perfectly polite but more aloof. When you lower your expectations you will find that what they do or don´t do affects you much less. When the baby is born you may also start to notice different treatment to the preferred grandchildren, as we see on many threads on MN. I hope this doesn´t happen, but I won´t be holding my breath. Good luck. And no, I wouldn´t do next month´s visit.

I think panicking and lying that they aren’t doing a family holiday this year because they’re planning to go abroad later in the year just the two of them for their anniversary is a very unlikely scenario.

Why would they lie? It makes no sense.

That’s a really horrible thing to do to you. I’d be upset too.

Exactly. It's suss.

Because it was convenient and avoided upset. (In the short term)

I mean they lied either way so it’s a question of which scenario you think is more likely.

Given they visit DH and OP and are apparently on good terms I think it’s less likely that they lied they were going abroad while booking a holiday U.K. holiday on the quiet to intentionally exclude them.

Regardless of whether they forgot you were available this year or were going on a different date and just assumed you would not be available, they absolutely should have issued the invitation.

Would it have killed them to simply say (every year), "we're booking the usual house (or whatever) on XX date - any chance you are available? We'd love to see you."

I don't blame you for being upset OP, I would be really hurt by this and would absolutely step back from making the effort to phone and visit.

@medicmumma someone doesn’t want you tneee. There’s no other likely explainaion.

even if it was last minute, why does that mean they couldn’t ask you, along with asking the others “last minute”? They knew you were free, after all.

id have to get to the bottom of this before i could proceed with relationships with any of them. So sorry.

Unfortunately the posters who have pointed out they go when you are not available and when you are neither tell nor invite you and lie.

I certainly wouldn't be travelling 8 hours to see them.

Leave this complete to your husband, but there is no way on earth I would be dragging a new baby on a journey to see people who behave like that.

They can travel to see the baby.

It sounds like this was already broken prior to you letting them know you could come 2 months ago. They were right in saying they weren't doing the august holiday. Perhaps the accommodation they had could fit more although I guess they could have let you know area so you coins source your own. Maybe just crossed wires or they knew august was an option but not the dates they had already booked for this year?

I'm in two minds over this one. Yes, it's eminently reasonable to take a step back and have a cooling off period for a while.

Going on the basis of your past relationship with your in-laws, it would be a real slap in the face if your close family connection turned out not to be what you thought it was. In the circumstances, YANBU for being upset and I don't see your reaction as in any way over the top.

But avoid jumping to any immediate conclusions. The relationship, such as it is, might well be salvageable IF both sides put their cards on the table honestly, tell the other side how it's made you feel, and agree to a more honest approach in future.

If they have been keeping up an act, and have shown what they 'really' think of you through this strangely cloak-and-dagger carry on, then that realization will be painful, but you'll know where you stand. But it does sound as though this relationship is worth the effort of rescuing, and there would possibly be significant loss on both sides were you just to disengage permanently.

I hope it's just a misunderstanding; either way, it's better to know. I hope this hasn't marred what should be a very happy time for you, and that it's something which can easily be sorted out. Allow for that possibility for now🌷

YANBU. And I don't really understand those of you saying "don't assume malice"?

How many of you would book a holiday without even checking with one of your children if they could go? Because surely that's what you would do if you hadn't remembered what you've already been told about their availability?

I know I wouldn't. Especially when the holiday is being NOT being booked at the time when OP has historically not been able to attend (and tbh, she's clearly a fairly recent doctor so it's not like this has been a decade of not being able to attend is it?)

I'd be really hurt too. Especially as PIL deliberately kept it quiet that it wasn't just them going.

Those saying maybe they had already booked two months ago. Well, maybe they had. But then when they find out the OP and her DH can come, they say so, and look for additional accommodation in the area. I'm sure OP would have been more than happy to be sleeping 10 minutes down the road from the rest of the gang, what's the big deal in that?

Maybe this didn't occur to them right away, but if they'd been truthful, it would have occurred to somebody.

NTA at all

I'd be hurt too.

But. As you've said that you've always had a good relationship and ultimately you don't want to rock the boat, I don't think you've got many options beyond telling them that you're disappointed as you'd really like to have been a part of it this year.

Life is short, it's ok to be upset and annoyed, but don't stay down there too long.

And do something really nice and fun to make yourselves feel a bit better.

Op was now free in august. Perhaps they had reason to believe this wasn't the case for early July and as op said it sounds like not everyone was present given the list of people who usually attend. Maybe this holiday was a different thing altogether as opposed to the usual big family meet