AITA - snubbed from DH's family holiday

[medicmumma]

Very upset at the moment :(

Me and my DH live approx 8 hours away from DH's family. DH's family every year have a UK holiday close to where they live (i.e. beachy UK holiday) however because of work commitments (they usually do this around the 1st weekend of August which is changeover for doctors so I am unable to get annual leave) I haven't been able to previously make it and have always been very apologetic about this. The holiday is usually DH's parents, all the sons/daughters + grandchildren + pets and its one of the few times in the year where we are all able to get together.

I've changed jobs this year so I was so happy to be able to attend this year and DH and I told his parents this 2 months ago, however they told us they weren't doing the family holiday this year as they were planning to go abroad away later in the year (just the two of them) for their anniversary. However today I found out via Instagram that the whole family (parents, siblings, children, pets) have gone away without us. I'm annoyed for:

1. Being excluded
2. Being lied to as they said they weren't doing the family holiday

My DH called them today as I have been upset and tbh he is upset too. They said that it was a last minute trip which I find difficult to believe given that they had to book accommodation for 8 people and they have all managed to get AL off/pet friendly accommodation. Even one of DH's siblings GF came and they've been dating for about 2 minutes.

I've always had a good relationship with DH's whole family, including his parents (they stayed with us last month for a weekend - we even paid for them to go see ABBA Voyage!) and being excluded and being lied to has really made me question my relationship with them.

Moreover we were planning to book train tickets this week to go see them next month as it has been a while since we managed to visit - I've said to DH that he can go as he should go see his family, but I don't feel like going at all. I'm pregnant too with our 1st child so I was really looking forward to seeing them and the next time likely I will be able to visit after next month is close to birth/after baby is born. I normally speak to his parents 1-2 times/week and I just don't feel like speaking to them at all - we were even planning to call them today to tell them baby's gender as we found out last week but both DH and I just feel like why should they deserve to know.

AITA for being upset. It's difficult because I've always been close to them and I don't want to cause tensions (especially given we are the only siblings that live away) between DH and his family, but at the same time I'm really upset about being excluded and lied to.

@PrayerFactory

Please read the first post, again. @medicmumma very clearly explained everything. There is no way they were overlooked. The in-laws told them there wouldn't be a family holiday this year. So obviously, one of these things happened:

1. They already knew they were having the family holiday, with a date change. They failed to include OP and
2. They had legitimately cancelled the holiday, then changed their minds. Even if the trip was last-minute, PIL just didn't invite their son and dil, despite being told the by the OP and DH that they wanted to go.

There may have been no malicious intent, but there was a complete lack of concern for how their son and dil might feel. The pil just didn't invite them. Which is what being excluded means.

@medicmumma , it really bothers me that they left you out, especially as this would have been the last time you could go before you have a child. I don't know what they were thinking. Try to look at it as a bad judgement call, and not deliberately done.

Nah, that's really cunty

Totally understand your upset. I wouldn’t go and see them no, I’d be expecting a big apology, really out of order

I can understand why you are upset because it feels like deliberate exclusion.

However, when choosing between cockup and conspiracy I generally assume cockup.

They booked the holiday assuming @medicmumma wouldn't be available. Not to exclude, just because OP hasn't been available before.

They find out that OP is available, panic and lie about it. Even if it was genuinely last minute they could have contacted OP/DH to see if they were available. They didn't think to and that is hurtful.

What happens next will depend on their moral fibre. Some people caught in a lie apologise and look to make amends. People with less moral fibre get angry and look to blame the person they lied to.

Would all the people performing mental gymnastics to excuse this behaviour do this to their own adult children?

I can't see any possible situation where I'd organise or agree to attend a family holiday including all but one of my own children without them having been invited. No, I wouldn't "forget" them. I wouldn't assume they couldn't come without even asking (and after being specifically told that they wanted to join in this year!). I wouldn't find myself capable of making last minute plans with all of them except one - we have phones and the internet now; the fact that OP lives a long way away isn't a barrier to communication.

It's really shit and there's no excuse that holds up. Certainly not the excuse they've given. It was especially cruel to then share photos on Instagram knowing you'd see them.

I definitely wouldn't be making a trip over there next month. And as far as your individual contact with them, I think I'd just let things cool for a while and let them put the legwork in. Quite often when you remove all of your effort, it becomes very clear that a relationship is actually one-sided and there's very little coming from the other person. Perhaps that's the case here.

That said, these are your DH's parents, not yours. His response to all this should be driven by him and not you. Your place is to support him in his relationship with his parents, not to be obstructive or control the relationship he has with them - even if that's by trying to win him over to your opinion on how to deal with it. It's one thing to cool your own contact with them for the short-term, but it's quite another to unilaterally decide that as a couple you will no longer invest in a relationship with them. Obviously this wouldn't apply to an abusive or toxic situation, but that's not what you're describing.

Just be careful not to overstep and make it all about you.

Could it be that there wasn't room for you and your dh? It might be something daft like your dh slept on a single or sofa bed, or in with one of the children, but you being available means they needed to find somewhere with an extra double room? I couldn't go on a family ladies weekend away for a few years, but when I was in a position to go I wasn't invited because of the rooms situation and I think because my mum thought I would disrupt the routine somehow. It hurt, but I know it wasn't about me. If you get on well with your ILs then it might be the same thing, a situation issue rather than an issue against you? If your dh goes on the upcoming trip to see them alone, he can explain how it made you both feel and get to the bottom of it all. Don't let it spoil your relationship with them though.

Just a thought, but perhaps they’ve seen your ‘not being able to go’ for the last few years as code for ‘we don’t want to come’?

If it was last minute, could it be that the accommodation was the biggest they could find, and figured it would work if you weren’t likely to accept an invitation anyway, based on the above?

Still stinks that they have hidden / lied about it, though…

Thing is if you really care about someone surely you invite them to stuff even if you are pretty sure they won’t be able to come, just so that they know you would have liked them there? You say something like “I know this is really short-notice but I didn’t want you to feel excluded”. Isn’t that a fairly basic courtesy?

If there’s some other reason then that should have been discreetly explained in advance too. Either way the person not inviting needs to make it clear that they did actually want the people not invited to go, because that’s what you do when you care about people’s feelings.

i think you’ve just helped it be!!

Their excuses are very feeble and I would certainly step back from chats and visits.

YANBU to be upset about the holiday.

YABU as a medical professional to describe a baby's gender when you should be using the word sex

I think it’s likely they booked the holiday well before 2 months ahead if it’s in a tourist spot. By 2 months before - many properties will be booked up.

So rather than a sensible response of - “So sorry we’ve already booked” they panicked and said they were going elsewhere. And then it blew up.

I wouldn't go, but if your DH doesn't want to go either I wouldn't be trying to talk him into it. He has every right to need some time to deal with this first. All I can think is does your DH parents see him as the scapegoat a bit? it all seems really weird and I wouldn't buy any last minute or they forgot you could make it type excuses. The fact they won't tell you the truth just compounds the hurt.

OP I think the most likely scenario is they did book recently but perhaps could only find a smaller house available and so thought they would just book that a) because you can't usually make it esp short notice and b) because the smaller house was all they could get so they didn't actually ask as you wouldn't fit. It may have been one of the siblings with children (at private school?) that suggested it as something to do. I don't think the AL short notice is that relevant. Dh has a high flying job and generally does not need to give much notice on AL at all.

If you usually get on with your PIL, I would hope you could have a better conversation about it, but don't let it ruin your relationship with them. It may be the opportunity to actually have some deeper and more honest conversations.

I would spend some time away from them to let your feeling calm down. But ultimately you sound like you have a good relationship so I would let it slide unless there are further incidents.
YABU to ask AITA it’s not hard to remember what site you’re on.

Assuming that the siblings all have partners is probably the issue. If all 4 siblings are single and 2 have a child each that's 8.

YANTA, it's possible they aren't either. It's tempting to hide, avoid or shun, but better to be openhearted and vulnerable like your husband has been and tell them how you are feeling and ask what is going on. It's a stronger position too. Avoid assumptions or accusations and don't draw any hard lines right now.

That’s shit. I can’t think of a time ever that I would leave one of my children out and “forget” them, even for a last minute holiday.

This - step back

Going to visit them next month would be approval of their behaviour. I definitely wouldn’t go.

Also as a pp said, dial back on the calls. If they can’t even make the effort to include you in a holiday then why should you call them every week?

They have shown they play favourites, I wouldn’t go out of my way for them.

They have assumed you and DH are ‘stoic’ and will put up with being second best. Don’t prove them right. Show you’re upset, let them do the work do make things right.

Even if it was last minute, why were all the others asked, but not you. It sounds like you've been excluded on purpose.

This is very hurtful, especially for your DH to be excluded by his own parents and siblings- I'm genuinely struggling to see how they could do this unless there's some big thing you're not mentioning. I think I would let your DH take the lead on how to respond.

That sounds both very strange and very hurtful.

Being lied to and mislead would make anyone question the relationship.

I would want the truth before the next visit, particularly when 8 hours is involved.

I don’t see why it being last minute precludes inviting you at all. That’s a terrible excuse.

There are some difficult family dynamics here somewhere. You deserve better.

Playing devil's advocate it may be they didn't tell you when you told them a few months ago you wanted to go because the accommodation had already been booked and to add two people on would have meant changing accommodation and losing deposits?

Just trying to think of an alternative explanation