AITA - snubbed from DH's family holiday

[medicmumma]

Very upset at the moment :(

Me and my DH live approx 8 hours away from DH's family. DH's family every year have a UK holiday close to where they live (i.e. beachy UK holiday) however because of work commitments (they usually do this around the 1st weekend of August which is changeover for doctors so I am unable to get annual leave) I haven't been able to previously make it and have always been very apologetic about this. The holiday is usually DH's parents, all the sons/daughters + grandchildren + pets and its one of the few times in the year where we are all able to get together.

I've changed jobs this year so I was so happy to be able to attend this year and DH and I told his parents this 2 months ago, however they told us they weren't doing the family holiday this year as they were planning to go abroad away later in the year (just the two of them) for their anniversary. However today I found out via Instagram that the whole family (parents, siblings, children, pets) have gone away without us. I'm annoyed for:

1. Being excluded
2. Being lied to as they said they weren't doing the family holiday

My DH called them today as I have been upset and tbh he is upset too. They said that it was a last minute trip which I find difficult to believe given that they had to book accommodation for 8 people and they have all managed to get AL off/pet friendly accommodation. Even one of DH's siblings GF came and they've been dating for about 2 minutes.

I've always had a good relationship with DH's whole family, including his parents (they stayed with us last month for a weekend - we even paid for them to go see ABBA Voyage!) and being excluded and being lied to has really made me question my relationship with them.

Moreover we were planning to book train tickets this week to go see them next month as it has been a while since we managed to visit - I've said to DH that he can go as he should go see his family, but I don't feel like going at all. I'm pregnant too with our 1st child so I was really looking forward to seeing them and the next time likely I will be able to visit after next month is close to birth/after baby is born. I normally speak to his parents 1-2 times/week and I just don't feel like speaking to them at all - we were even planning to call them today to tell them baby's gender as we found out last week but both DH and I just feel like why should they deserve to know.

AITA for being upset. It's difficult because I've always been close to them and I don't want to cause tensions (especially given we are the only siblings that live away) between DH and his family, but at the same time I'm really upset about being excluded and lied to.

I hope it was an apology with an explanation and not just "Sorry you're upset."

Well, I wouldn't be putting myself out for them any more. What a bunch of sniders.

@medicmumma you need an explanation, not just a forced apology, surely?

Only time will truly make you feel better about this OP.

Whether it was intentional or not (I'd argue yes, I really can't see why they wouldn't invite you if you've been very obvious about being able to come), it's upset you a lot and made you question the whole relationship so you're not going to feel better overnight.

You need time to allow the emotions to settle.

You're not overreacting, most people would feel like you are, I know I would.

A forced apology isn't an apology.

Just stop being so available available to them. If they wanted to apologise they would have done so without prompting.

They're being arseholes about this.

But apologizing for what? This makes all the difference in the world.

Lying and hedging around the situation?

Deliberately excluding you because they have some issue with you, and didn't have the gumption to tell you to your face?

Because they always, every year, manage to pick the week when they know you won't be available so you can't go - perhaps because they don't want you there, perhaps for some other reason to which you haven't been privy so far?

Explaining that it's a misunderstanding arising from X reasons?

Because they hadn't properly thought it through, had no intention of hurting your feelings, and are genuinely sorry that they have?

Because you're upset?

If you set these questions in context, I think you'll have your answer. But it's such a frustrating, upsetting situation for you. I far prefer open, direct methods of communication. These at least are capable of producing tangible results; if I've done something to piss them off we can resolve it, or if they simply don't like me, fair play, we can't like everyone, and I'd simply maintain a civil distance.

All this is far preferable to indulging in the grand, passive-aggressive gesture, then responding with wide-eyed plausible deniability when their shots inevitably hit home. My in-laws have form with this, and I despise it for the cowardice it is.

I hope, in your case, a misunderstanding is all it is. If not, then I sincerely hope the spite of others won't mar your pregnancy. You will never get this time back.

Just to be clear. Usually u can't make it. The one year u can they change dates and invite everyone but you

Just because it was last minute doesn’t mean they couldn’t ask! They don’t know your work schedules. You could have come for a weekend.

Id step back. I can’t imagine there is a specific reason why they couldn’t change the date from august to accommodate you one year. They’ve managed this year. Especially if new GF gets to come.

They've been excluding you for years, sadly, by choosing a week you couldn't go. This year is just the first time you've realised it. I feel terrible for you and I would be very upset too.

Your DH needs to get a real explanation from them - but I fear it's just that they don't want to have you along. Do you have any traits like talking a lot, being picky about things like food/restaurants, always being late, etc that would make you difficult to holiday with?

Bear in mind that it could well be they like you as a person but it's being specifically being on holiday with you that this is about.

The last point is so true. Why have they always chosen a week that you can’t go? Out of all the other weeks they could have chosen.

I would also be really hurt by this and their lame apology.

The apology is neither here nor there.
The only important factor is the fact they didn’t want you there. Now you know that, you can respond accordingly.

A forced text apology is no apology.
Dont get why your dh texted them to apologise though...

Keep your distance and drop the rope. Let your dh anounce your pregnancy when he visits and any comments / congrats from his family should be met with an indifferent "thanks."

Unless they have some kind of come to jesus moment andactually apologise properly the relationship can never recover and you are (rightly) grieving for the lost relationship.
That said babies can and do mend bridges so gic it a year or so and things may look different.