AITA - snubbed from DH's family holiday

[medicmumma]

Very upset at the moment :(

Me and my DH live approx 8 hours away from DH's family. DH's family every year have a UK holiday close to where they live (i.e. beachy UK holiday) however because of work commitments (they usually do this around the 1st weekend of August which is changeover for doctors so I am unable to get annual leave) I haven't been able to previously make it and have always been very apologetic about this. The holiday is usually DH's parents, all the sons/daughters + grandchildren + pets and its one of the few times in the year where we are all able to get together.

I've changed jobs this year so I was so happy to be able to attend this year and DH and I told his parents this 2 months ago, however they told us they weren't doing the family holiday this year as they were planning to go abroad away later in the year (just the two of them) for their anniversary. However today I found out via Instagram that the whole family (parents, siblings, children, pets) have gone away without us. I'm annoyed for:

1. Being excluded
2. Being lied to as they said they weren't doing the family holiday

My DH called them today as I have been upset and tbh he is upset too. They said that it was a last minute trip which I find difficult to believe given that they had to book accommodation for 8 people and they have all managed to get AL off/pet friendly accommodation. Even one of DH's siblings GF came and they've been dating for about 2 minutes.

I've always had a good relationship with DH's whole family, including his parents (they stayed with us last month for a weekend - we even paid for them to go see ABBA Voyage!) and being excluded and being lied to has really made me question my relationship with them.

Moreover we were planning to book train tickets this week to go see them next month as it has been a while since we managed to visit - I've said to DH that he can go as he should go see his family, but I don't feel like going at all. I'm pregnant too with our 1st child so I was really looking forward to seeing them and the next time likely I will be able to visit after next month is close to birth/after baby is born. I normally speak to his parents 1-2 times/week and I just don't feel like speaking to them at all - we were even planning to call them today to tell them baby's gender as we found out last week but both DH and I just feel like why should they deserve to know.

AITA for being upset. It's difficult because I've always been close to them and I don't want to cause tensions (especially given we are the only siblings that live away) between DH and his family, but at the same time I'm really upset about being excluded and lied to.

That was mean and sneaky of them and I would be upset in your shoes too OP. You have had to revise your opinion of what you thought was a close relationship with them, they were twats and you are pregnant. Of course you are emotional. I would certainly be cooling off my relationship with them for a bit. It will be interesting to see what they do about it now that they know they have upset you.

If your PiL had form for snubbing you/DH like this, I would see it as a likely possibility. But you describe a good relationship that makes it sound unlikely they would deliberately do that. So I’m with those who are asking why assume malice?

You were a lot more excited about the idea of being able to go on the trip with them because you’ve missed out on it every year and you really wanted to go. So you’ve been focused on it. But although they haven’t had you on their trips, they haven’t really missed out on them. they haven’t been thinking about it the way you have. And your being able to come isn’t the big thing to them that is was to you. Instead, that holiday is something they’ve been doing for ages and they’ve been wondering about mixing things up a bit.

I think this may have skewed the way you see the trip they went on.

I don’t think your reasons for thinking they must have lied to you are valid.

To illustrate - Planning a holiday with extended family can be a nightmare but it can also come together really quickly. If you all focus on it as an opportunity at short notice rather than a negotiation it can be very different. So instead of being picky about which is the best week, which is the best place to say, which is the best mode of transport etc. If they all looked at it as - can I make x date work? Will X place be sufficient? Can we get there by X? - they’re more likely to find somewhere they can all go, especially if they’re all seeing each other and getting excited by the possibility. You also mention that a girlfriend of only 2 months went - that tends to support the idea it was at very short notice. Unfortunately, one of the natural consequences of being the only DS/DDiL who don’t live nearby is that you are more likely to miss out on impromptu family happenings.

You are disappointed about not going on the trip. If you put that disappointment to one side - do you really think your PiL don’t want to spend time with you? You have a child on the way. You could potentially mess up a strong relationship that would enrich yours and your child’s life for years to come. I think it’s probably worth finding a way to assume this was not in anyway deliberate unless future behaviour makes you second guess. (But if you do find out they did it deliberately because they didn’t want you there, then forget all this - because that would be hard (and not necessarily a good idea) to forgive.

It may be that they liked the dynamic before, it might be that it was thrown together quickly. It might be lots of things but you'll drive yourself crazy over it.

Take a step back. Let DH go alone next month and figure it out. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and don't think too much of it.

The older I get, the more I step back away from relationships where I have to question myself about things.

Oh I can see why that's so hurtful. For your own well-being I'd assume it wasn't done in malice.
Is it possible one of the women present is having fertility issues or has miscarried and didn't want to be around pregnancy at that time?

Whatever the reason, I would try not to let it fester. Perhaps don't rush off to see them so soon but don't let it turn into something long and ugly either, without further reason. People can be thoughtless.

You're advising OP to weaponise her child against his or her grandparents?

You may find out, when you (or your husband) see them again, that there was a genuine reason. For example, perhaps someone received an offer on some pet friendly accommodation, but there was only room for eight and they genuinely did arrange it last minute with only those who were around at the time.

Given that your husband has told them he’s upset, hopefully they will be keen to give him a fuller explanation in time and it may end up being resolved. I hope that is the case as I fully understand why you are upset, especially as this was your first chance to attend and you are also pregnant.

Good luck, OP. I hope there’s a genuine reason, which you and your husband will understand when you hear more details and that your previous, happy relationship with your in-laws can be restored.

If you're as close as you say you are, I'd talk with them directly. I'd be hurt by this too.

There is no way I would go and see them.

Op you say you talk to them twice a week. Did you speak to them while they were away?
If you did and they didn't mention the holiday I think that's very odd and a bit sneaky tbh.

There may be valid reasons why the holiday happened but I think it's very odd you only found out afterwards

It’s very strange and mean - I know you haven’t been able to go before but this time they knew you could
for all they know you could have got a place nearby even if you didn’t fit into the cottage but they didn’t even try

pull back and then pull back a bit more

Don’t hypothesise just straight out ask them why. If they give you a random excuse then you know why - they didn’t want you to go. So don’t visit them anymore and move on with your life, knowing they don’t feel the same way about you as you feel about them.

I don’t think reducing contact is weaponising your child. It’s doing the best for your child by ensuring your own happiness and mental health by distancing from inconsiderate people.

Proceed with a close family relationship. Trust the trust. Maybe it was instigated by another member of the family who wanted to introduce New Girlfriend, who knows, but I doubt any one meant to hurt you. You were not told because it was last minute, you are living far away, you are pregnant etc etc.
It is possible, due to others living nearby, that family will meet up with short notice - that would be totally normal so I accept their reasoning.

Your husband does need to tell his family that you were both hurt and felt excluded. Then get over it and hope they had a lovely time

Look forward to the large family gathering next year with the little one. Try to make time for that.

I would not change plans for yourselves train ride nor hold a grudge. Close families give each other some slack often just like they have given you for not attending the regular fam. holiday each year.

YANBU.

If you walk to then weekly then it's weird they never mentioned this holidays even if it was last minute.

I would also feel upset and question if there is anyone in the group who didn't want to invite you and your DH.

I would step back and not visit them. It sounds like you see your relationship closer than they do?

It sounds all a bit mean from their side.

• talk to them weekly

Sorry autocorrect!

I would now withdraw any mental effort on them and do the absolute bare minimum if that at all. Leave this situation with your dh to sort out and I'm surprised he still wants to visit.

Take time out to go out and enjoy yourselves before the baby arrives. Remember that if your in laws demand baby visitation times, you don't have to grant them access at times convenient to them. Only when you feel like it and Christmas should now be for your little new family. They've had their chance, you look after yourself now.

Yanbu. Really sad, especially for your dh.

That’s a shitty thing to do and you’re right to be upset. I wouldn’t go and see them either unless they gave a genuine reason for excluding you. The whole “last minute” thing is clearly rubbish. Like others have said,I do wonder if your husband knows more than he’s letting on. Keep away from them for a while but definitely do a bit more digging into it

Yanbu. Why didn't they say they were going away in July when they were planning the trip? Even if its last minute, you'd still expect a phone call (hey OP, we've suddenly got this great deal, etc etc). Does your DH usually go on the big August family hol without you?
Why would they say 'it's just the two of us' when it plainly wasn't?
Your dh needs to have a proper conversation with them.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I'd be upset too and probably start reading too much into every past conversation and action, winding myself up even more.

But, my advice would be to still go, get your train tickets and visit as planned. While you are there, you can reassess your relationship if necessary, but don't make a knee jerk decision right now - it will be the start of a very difficult future.

Face to face, it's a lot easier to get the feel for what actually happened. I suspect that from their perspective, they would have been overjoyed to see you on the 'normal' family holiday, had it been happening, got a last minute chance of a quick getaway and it just never occurred to them to ask, knowing how set in stone your holidays are.

Still hurtful for you, but no malice intended.

It's too easy to break families up, just give them a chance.

Proceed with caution op; I wouldn’t cut them all out but I also wouldn’t go next month and let them make the effort to see your baby when they’re born.

As much as the last minute thing obviously doesn’t hold water, you talk to them a couple of times a week. They deliberately didn’t mention it. That’s what would absolutely have me hurt and upset. Deliberate deception. There’s zero chance not mentioning it wasn’t intentional.

Why would they overlook OP when they had specifically been told that this year she is available, and had a discussion about it?

Regardless of it being last minute, or not (which I doubt, for all the reasons you mentioned), they should have at least invited you both. Being snubbed like that is horrible. I would tell them how upset you both are.

That's no excuse! They could easily have said, "we've booked something, not realising you might be able to come now you've changed your job. There's no room in the accommodation for you but you could book somewhere nearby."

I'm astonished at these replies excusing your in-laws, there's no excuse for lying, it's so hurtful.

It does sound like there is somebody in the family that has a problem with either you or your husband. But I am puzzled as to why you are so wound up by it, it is your husbands family, back off and leave him to deal with it.