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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL is the most heartless, uncaring person

151 replies

Whoisthee · 12/07/2023 20:09

I don’t really have anyone to speak to IRL about this, but MIL has just upset me when I don’t need it!

She does have a history of undermining me, whispering about me to DH etc.

Our whole family has just been hit by an awful vomiting bug. I’ve been in bed all day.

MIL and FIL came round at teatime, as they often do. They treat our house like a drop in centre! Calling in whenever they like. They’ve done it since DS was born.

As soon as MIL stepped thru the door she started whinging about how DS is nearly three and he’s not potty trained. We are trying with it and DS will sit on the potty at certain times. She said I need to “encourage “ DS more. I said “ well I try my best “. She just looked at me blankly and I couldn’t help it but I started crying. My dad has been in hospital for heart surgery today and I’ve spent most of the day being sick. I work part time but called in sick today.

MIL just sat there and looked at me. She carried on playing with DS. I went upstairs.

DP then came in from work and came upstairs. I told him about his mum and why I was upset. He just said “ ok”. He has a big history of backing his parents up or being neutral in these situations.

For context, my own mum passed away last year and I’m an only child. My dad is my only family.

If I ever appear upset or anxious MIL just asks DP next time she sees him what was wrong,she never asks me.

AIBU to think MIL should be slightly more caring considering I’ve lost my own mum?Also worth mentioning that MIL also has a DD with kids who lives two hours away. She partly lives there to be away from MIL!

Thanks for sticking with it if you’ve read this long! I have no friends to chat to and feel so alone.

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 12/07/2023 20:10

Why let her in if you’ve got a sickness bug? Or why not cough all over her!!!!

Babsexxx · 12/07/2023 20:11

Why the fuck are you allowing your home as a drop off point?! Naaaa boundaries should of been placed a long time ago! Door should be locked she’s a heartless cow! Your husband needs to tell her she’s not to just pop in anymore! Did she even ask how your DD is?!

Babsexxx · 12/07/2023 20:12

This I would of projectile vomited over her….

Tinkerbyebye · 12/07/2023 20:13

Time to stand up to her. Tell, your DH, and I mean tell, how she makes you feel, that what she did was very upsetting and that you know what his support in telling her her behaviour is not acceptable.

I would also stop the drop ins, he needs to advise his parents they have to call first and see if you are free. If he won’t then at least you know where you stand and that you will have to take the matter up.

I would start by not answering the door, or by opening it but saying sorry it’s not a suitable time at the moment and shutting the door again. I would also insist that they only come when your dh is there and he entertains them and you can pop out, go upstairs etc and dont. have anything to do with them

ThatFraggle · 12/07/2023 20:14

It isn't 'just happening' to you. You're allowing it.

And your husband is enabling it.

Lock the door.

Knock knock.
Sorry, now's not a good time. Get in touch with DH to arrange a time for you to meet up.

billy1966 · 12/07/2023 20:15

You poor woman.

I am so sorry.

Unfortunately you have not chosen well.

You have chosen a weak disloyal mummys boy.

These wasters make shit husbands and fathers.

This is who he is and who he will remain.

Your upset doesn't register because all he cares about is his unkind unfeeling mother.

Expect nothing from your husband and his mother as they are not nice people.

It would be a HUGE mistake to have another child with this weak mummys boy, as it will be more of the same.

If you want your life to improve you will quietly make plans to leave.

Not surprised your SIL lives away.

If you aren't working, get back asap and make plans for a better future.

I hope your father improves.

Pallisers · 12/07/2023 20:16

here's hoping she picked up the bug.

MalloryMae · 12/07/2023 20:17

Sorry you've had a rubbish day Flowers YANBU. It sounds like she's been allowed to behave however she wants from the start and nobody has told her otherwise. It will just get worse, set boundaries and don't let her walk all over you.

I'm sorry about your mum and I hope your dad is ok x

Azaeleasinbloom · 12/07/2023 20:20

Just say No to her. No, you cannot come in, No you cannot have time with DS, No, I really don’t want your thoughts on potty training.

So sorry you are dealing with the loss of your mum and your dad’s illness. Your MIL sounds awful. But practice pushing back. I cannot express how liberating it is when you realise she cannot control you.

mrssunshinexxx · 12/07/2023 20:23

@Whoisthee so sorry you lost your mum. I know it too well. Your husband needs to have serious words with his parents

Toniii · 12/07/2023 20:25

When you say she stepped through the door and started whinging what did she actually say?

Sorry you feel alone, hope things improve for you it's sad to read when someone is feeling like this 😰

IWasFunBeforeMum · 12/07/2023 20:25

Time to show her you won't take shit from her. You're an adult! Or better still don't answer door unless you're in a mood to tolerate. Sorry about your dad, hope went ok x

Verano · 12/07/2023 20:29
Flowers
10HailMarys · 12/07/2023 20:30

”Oh, potty training advice has moved on since your day, you know! It’ll happen when it happens, we’ll get there. But to be honest it’s the last thing on my mind right now given that I’m currently being sick every half an hour and my father’s having heart surgery today - it’s been a hellish day so I don’t want to add potty training to my list of things to make me miserable today. If you want to be helpful, how about entertaining DS until your son gets home, while I go back to bed?”

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/07/2023 20:30

ThatFraggle · 12/07/2023 20:14

It isn't 'just happening' to you. You're allowing it.

And your husband is enabling it.

Lock the door.

Knock knock.
Sorry, now's not a good time. Get in touch with DH to arrange a time for you to meet up.

This. Don't invite shit into your home.

Howyiz · 12/07/2023 20:34

Why would you not just tell her to take her opinions and get the fuck out of your house?

As for your husband. Tell him the shit stops now and he either get on board or move back with his mother.

LightSpeeds · 12/07/2023 20:35

Hopefully, she'll be puking by tomorrow. Your husband is spineless and she's a cow. Sorry, no advice but every sympathy.

LittleOwl153 · 12/07/2023 20:35

Tell DH you've had enough of her/their comments and she/they is not welcome in your home unless he is there and that you expect him to stand up for you or she will not be welcome at all and he will have to see them elsewhere for god sake make sure she doesn't have a key - and if she does change the locks!

TellySavalashairbrush · 12/07/2023 20:37

I feel you op. My mil is exactly the same. Totally heartless and DH just doesn’t want to
see it. You need to toughen up and put some boundaries down. I’m not saying that to be unkind, but these type
of people don’t respond to anything else. It took 20 years to finally understand that, 20 years of feeling upset, humiliated and worthless. Not anymore.

78Summer · 12/07/2023 20:39

Sorry you have been through this. You have lost your mum and it is so painful. I lost mine and it’s the most awful pain and times like this when you miss her the most.
Your mother in law sounds like a narcissist with no empathy.
She is being ridiculous re the potty training. I have not seen many teenagers still in nappies. Everyone gets there.
You have to put some boundaries down - when you’re feeling better - so they cannot just breeze in. This is your home. Then you can brace yourself for when you do have to see her. Hugs for you and best wishes for your dad.

FictionalCharacter · 12/07/2023 20:42

Stop letting them come into your home whenever they want. Your wimp of a husband won’t tell them not to come so you’ll have to. When he’s at work he can’t do anything about it. Tell them they’re not to come round without arranging it beforehand and it must be when dh is there. Tell DH too. Tell him why. Keep the door locked and turn them away if they just turn up.
She’ll whinge and it will be hard, but easier than having to put up with what you do now.

nationallampoons · 12/07/2023 20:44

Stop opening the door to her

changeyerheadworzel · 12/07/2023 20:45

I hope she is hugging the toilet bowl tonight.

DMLady · 12/07/2023 20:46

Not the point of your post, I know, OP, but I hope your Dad is okay. X

ZenNudist · 12/07/2023 20:48

Foot down. No more drop ins.