To think MIL is the most heartless, uncaring person

[Whoisthee]

I don’t really have anyone to speak to IRL about this, but MIL has just upset me when I don’t need it!

She does have a history of undermining me, whispering about me to DH etc.

Our whole family has just been hit by an awful vomiting bug. I’ve been in bed all day.

MIL and FIL came round at teatime, as they often do. They treat our house like a drop in centre! Calling in whenever they like. They’ve done it since DS was born.

As soon as MIL stepped thru the door she started whinging about how DS is nearly three and he’s not potty trained. We are trying with it and DS will sit on the potty at certain times. She said I need to “encourage “ DS more. I said “ well I try my best “. She just looked at me blankly and I couldn’t help it but I started crying. My dad has been in hospital for heart surgery today and I’ve spent most of the day being sick. I work part time but called in sick today.

MIL just sat there and looked at me. She carried on playing with DS. I went upstairs.

DP then came in from work and came upstairs. I told him about his mum and why I was upset. He just said “ ok”. He has a big history of backing his parents up or being neutral in these situations.

For context, my own mum passed away last year and I’m an only child. My dad is my only family.

If I ever appear upset or anxious MIL just asks DP next time she sees him what was wrong,she never asks me.

AIBU to think MIL should be slightly more caring considering I’ve lost my own mum?Also worth mentioning that MIL also has a DD with kids who lives two hours away. She partly lives there to be away from MIL!

Thanks for sticking with it if you’ve read this long! I have no friends to chat to and feel so alone.

I read your post and just wanted yo give you a big hug.
I'm sorry you lost your Mum, it must be very hard for you.
I completely get why you feel how you do. You just want to be supported a little. Of course MIL should be more caring.
I do hope you feel better soon, being unwell makes everything worse xx

Not an unreasonable ask at all. Hope you're okay💐

I was treated the same by my mil, I wish I had stood up to her instead of taking all the abuse I took.

Start heading them off at the pass.

Do they come round at certain times? For example, do they “pop in” on the way to or from something they do regularly? Can u predict the visit with some certainty? If so, book yourself out. Start taking DS out at that time so there’s no one home. Be less available. Also, don’t facilitate things, let your DH be the gatekeeper and I bet the visits reduce.

Sorry about your mum OP and hope your dad is ok. Also I hope you feel better soon.

Stop the drop in’s now or from tomorrow. Either be out or unavailable at a time when they are likely to call round, or if they have a key leave your key in the lock and or just don’t answer the door. If they catch you off guard by looking through the window or going round the back. Just say sorry now really isn’t a good time don’t let them in and if need be say please can you telephone or text in future to check its ok before popping round unannounced.

I'd email them:

Dear MIL/FIL,

Today, you came to my home, uninvited. You criticised my parenting regarding potty training, and you did so not only when I'm ill with a vomiting bug but on the day my father was having heart surgery.

I will no longer tolerate the level of disrespect you show me in my own home.

You are not to call into my home uninvited again. If you wish to see your DS and/or DGC, you can arrange directly with DS when it suits him to go visit you at your house.

@Whoisthee

You need to make it VERY clear to them that you will no longer tolerate this shit.

I've been no contact with my in-laws for over a decade, my MIL was horrid. I felt free after I emailed her telling me never to contact me again.

Good luck.

Push back hard enough and she may refuse to speak to you for three years. I only had three years but it was three years of bliss. Go on, give it a go 😁

If mil and fil have a key, get the lock changed, or put a chain on the door. A chain is handy anyway with small children.

I agree with others that she sounds like a narcissist and your DH hasn't been able to cope with her ways so just supports her instead of you for an easier life. It sounds like in laws are benefiting (ie behaving how they want) from your (relative) social isolation.

So sorry about your mum. I hope your dad gets well. I hope there's something you can do about this, maybe join a group of some sort or reconnect with someone you've not seen in a while?
I think you need some social support IRL as well as what can be offered on MN because your DH will not stand up for you and that feels really isolating. No wonder you were in tears. From personal experience I can tell you this situ won't change unless you spell out your needs and boundaries very clearly, being prepared to leave rather than be continually crushed by their narcissistic and messed up relationship dynamics. You don't deserve to be MIL's victim.

Point to the door and say “Out!!!” Nothing else. Repeat as required. What a cow!

When I was a kid my grandparents used to drop in unannounced as they lived round the corner. That's why we moved house to 30 minutes away, so they stopped that shit.

If it doesn't stop, moving or ending your marriage seem to be the obvious outcomes. Probably best to move before you need to apply for primary school places.

Ultimatum Time…

1. They only visit when your DH is home and they call to check you’re receiving visitors first
2. No more parenting “advice” you haven’t asked for
3. No more whispering about you

if DH isn’t happy with this then maybe he should move back in with darling mummy.

@Whoisthee first and foremost YOU CARE! You must care for yourself, love yourself and value yourself enough to be able to communicate to others what you will and wont accept.

if your DP wont stand up for you, firstly stand up for yourself and tell them/him:whoever “No! That’s not going to work for me” and repeat as necessary

then you tell DP that either he backs you up or he can start thinking about where he’ll move to because you’re not going to put up with this anymore

you have all of us behind you too. You’re not alone, not by a long chalk.

you matter.

& def change the locks if they have a key!!

I personally don’t see what she said that’s wrong about the potty training but that’s just me!

It is not her place to say anything.

Ok big girl pants time.
You don’t like MIL and didn’t need her around on the day your beloved dad had surgery.

’not today - it’s not a good time at all’ . DH will call to arrange a visit when he is around.

Lock the door , don’t give her a key. Be strong when you answer the door . ‘Not today thank you’ wasted journey - better check next time.

I hope your dad is ok xx

Why isn’t it? It’s her grandchild right?

MN is this weird place where no one should ever comment on anything. In the real world, people give advice and ask their family members questions. The OP said her MIL whinged which is obviously annoying but I don’t see what’s wrong with bringing up the reason why a three year old isn’t potty trained. That’s clearly just me!

It is just you. It is one thing giving advice if asked for. But no-one is entitled to any explanation about any aspect of another's parenting. Most certainly they shouldn't be doing any whinging about it. That is being a CF.

Okay:)

Jesus Christ you're at it again aren't you.

Sorry, I was meant to quote @billy1966 with their usual catastrophic list of individual sentences where every OP is married to the worst man imaginable and needs to leave ASAP.

I'd of told her you're not feeling well and she needs to go home as you don't have the patience for her crap today and then to call next time to make sure it's a good time to visit.

Start leaving the door locked.

So what’s your advice?

The MIL’s own DD lives far away from her mother to get away from her.

the P isn’t spending time with his toxic mother he’s leaving OP to suffer her.

OP is clearly suffering and has reached her limit. she’s living with a pathetic man who doesn’t give a shit about her feelings and won’t back her.

what’s your suggestion?

Fingers crossed they catch your sickness bug for having the temerity to come over when you’re infectious.