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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL is the most heartless, uncaring person

151 replies

Whoisthee · 12/07/2023 20:09

I don’t really have anyone to speak to IRL about this, but MIL has just upset me when I don’t need it!

She does have a history of undermining me, whispering about me to DH etc.

Our whole family has just been hit by an awful vomiting bug. I’ve been in bed all day.

MIL and FIL came round at teatime, as they often do. They treat our house like a drop in centre! Calling in whenever they like. They’ve done it since DS was born.

As soon as MIL stepped thru the door she started whinging about how DS is nearly three and he’s not potty trained. We are trying with it and DS will sit on the potty at certain times. She said I need to “encourage “ DS more. I said “ well I try my best “. She just looked at me blankly and I couldn’t help it but I started crying. My dad has been in hospital for heart surgery today and I’ve spent most of the day being sick. I work part time but called in sick today.

MIL just sat there and looked at me. She carried on playing with DS. I went upstairs.

DP then came in from work and came upstairs. I told him about his mum and why I was upset. He just said “ ok”. He has a big history of backing his parents up or being neutral in these situations.

For context, my own mum passed away last year and I’m an only child. My dad is my only family.

If I ever appear upset or anxious MIL just asks DP next time she sees him what was wrong,she never asks me.

AIBU to think MIL should be slightly more caring considering I’ve lost my own mum?Also worth mentioning that MIL also has a DD with kids who lives two hours away. She partly lives there to be away from MIL!

Thanks for sticking with it if you’ve read this long! I have no friends to chat to and feel so alone.

OP posts:
LindorDoubleChoc · 13/07/2023 20:45

At the very least you need to find the words to say "you can't come in today, we have a vomiting bug in the house". Are you saying she'd wrestle you out of the way? If so she would be quite literally unhinged.

Freckles978 · 13/07/2023 20:52

I would say to her that as she drops in when she wants, she can give a helping hand with the potting training, this way every time she complains it causes her more work. Hope this way she learns

ruthgordon123 · 13/07/2023 21:03

I did feel sory for them both. They hated each other. They spent one weekend with the daughter, another with me/my husband and whoever they could get away with the next. My own parents were dead so they were totally taking the piss.
I'm in my fifties now and my children are adults but I dreaded their visits. They used to phone the house at least twice a night. As they lived 100 miles away I couldn't refuse them when they turned up.
When we divorced the father said I owed him forty thousand pounds.
Don't put up with mad cling on parents.

ChubbyMorticia · 13/07/2023 21:07

ColourfulHairbands · 13/07/2023 09:53

Why isn’t it? It’s her grandchild right?

MN is this weird place where no one should ever comment on anything. In the real world, people give advice and ask their family members questions. The OP said her MIL whinged which is obviously annoying but I don’t see what’s wrong with bringing up the reason why a three year old isn’t potty trained. That’s clearly just me!

Show quote history

Unsolicited advice is criticism. Nobody needs that, ESPECIALLY just having lost their own mother last year, on the day their father had heart surgery!

Gilmorehill · 13/07/2023 21:39

Winnipeg23 · 13/07/2023 20:34

I might suggest moving far away from said lady if husband can't deal with situation. I know you shouldn't have to but might be easier.
The answers have made me laugh. Definitely keep the door shut or start being out and break the routine. It's easy to say change the locks and tell her to piss off out the window, but harder to actually do it in real life. I feel for u💕

I moved countries! Not just because of MIL but her treatment of me encouraged me to lean on dh to take the job offer. So it’s her fault she doesn’t live close to her grandchildren. She should have respected their mother 🤷‍♂️.

BaconChops · 13/07/2023 22:04

OP what a rubbish situation to be in, you just be you. Let your in-laws get on with their pettiness and your husband needs to grow a pair.

mylifestory · 13/07/2023 22:16

Hide

Cucucucu · 13/07/2023 22:45

You need to create boundaries. Tell your hubby from now on they must call and ask if they can pop in and then learn to say no or better move far away from the cow

MrBof2 · 14/07/2023 08:46

Your situation sounds so hard and I am sorry.
could I suggest a slightly different approach?
as your MIL treats your house like a drop in centre, invite her to help you out more and drive the potty training whilst you support your father. Lean into the unorthodox support she could provide and move away from the conflict that can consume you and your partner.
if you ask for the help from your MIL (and you MUST do this infront if your partner so it cannot be miss represented by MIL) she will either come forth or withdraw and then you will truly know where you stand.

RoyalImpatience · 14/07/2023 08:53

@Whoisthee

Op please as soon as you can you need to speak back.

Mil is o"bsessed with potty training and instead of saying "i appreciate your in put but it's not necessary thank you." you are in a position where you are apologising for not following her wishes

So you need to extract yourself from this dynamic.

She will be infuriated " dear fil, can you believe it boy not potty trained yet and when I had to mention it again she sat there like a wet lettuce!"

You need to stop, immediately any in put. You don't need nor want her advise.

Use your anger over how she's treated you to give you the confidence to push back.

FlipFlop1987 · 14/07/2023 08:59

The most annoying thing about a bad MIL is her son that doesn’t stand up to her. I can cope with mine when she’s put in her place by my husband but when he caves it hurts more than anything she’s ever done. I hate to see opinionated people being pandered to just to keep life easy. They think they can get away with it.
If she’s rude in your home, she doesn’t come round. If she gives unwanted parenting advice, tell her you live with her son so probably best not taking advice from her 🙄

RoyalImpatience · 14/07/2023 09:06

Flip flop

They don't because they have been raised like that.

Op my Mil also gave 100% unasked for criticism on potty training.

My dd was around 3 and slowly getting there. Mild ripped her nappy off the moment she got through the door.

I tried to talk to mil and she literally closed down and went hard and her eyes glazed over. Dh asked her to stop.
She had dd again and our other child witnessed her ripping off the nappy again.
I've asked her nicely and tried to explain why, dh asked her and she still persisted.
. Guess what.

She didn't see dd again alone until well after it was all over. She was causing us all distress.

RoyalImpatience · 14/07/2023 09:07

Mils like that will do it "because they can".

Notmineagain · 14/07/2023 09:31

billy1966 · 12/07/2023 20:15

You poor woman.

I am so sorry.

Unfortunately you have not chosen well.

You have chosen a weak disloyal mummys boy.

These wasters make shit husbands and fathers.

This is who he is and who he will remain.

Your upset doesn't register because all he cares about is his unkind unfeeling mother.

Expect nothing from your husband and his mother as they are not nice people.

It would be a HUGE mistake to have another child with this weak mummys boy, as it will be more of the same.

If you want your life to improve you will quietly make plans to leave.

Not surprised your SIL lives away.

If you aren't working, get back asap and make plans for a better future.

I hope your father improves.

All of this. I dated someone who was pathetic like this and never again. You should leave this spineless man.

Bugbabe1970 · 14/07/2023 09:46

Stop enabling this Behavioir OP and I say this out of kindness
My son and DIL live around the corner from me and I never ever turn up unannounced!
I always txts and ask first if it's convenient and the same the other way around! I have a key to their home and never use it!

My DIL asks me for parenting advice and I am always sensitive. Some thing she does, I wouldn't do, but I keep my mouth shut. Mr DGS is loved and well looked after and that's the main thing.

Lock your front door and be firm!

Bignanny30 · 14/07/2023 15:32

Tell DH to get a back bone and stand up for you.

NowYouTellMe · 14/07/2023 16:50

Why not ask MIL to help with potty training?

Turfwars · 14/07/2023 17:06

It sounds like she really dislikes you and will find any reason to be critical - and you can't win with people like that. You could be an absolute saint and she'd moan your halo was too bright.

So step back. No need to go apeshit, but that can be useful in certain circumstances. Just tell him that from now on your DH can bring the kids to hers. That you've hit your last straw and she's no longer welcome in your home. You are entitled to not put up with abuse in your own home and he had every chance to address this - and still can if he wants to put his DM in her place - but you are not going to facilitate her and the DC any more. Let him do it.

You can tell him that while you are happy to tell her, it will be highly unpleasant for his DM because you won't be holding back, and it might be more diplomatic coming from him.

Teenagehorrorbag · 14/07/2023 22:04

Not the point I know - but my two never took to the potty and I found it much easier to train them on an actual loo. That said - I was a bit lazy and after a couple of failed attempts when younger I left them until they were three to even try properly. DD took to it easily but DS didn't get there until he was four. I don't see the point in stressing you and them out if they don't do it straight away.....

Brokeandold · 27/07/2023 19:22

She sounds just my MIL, when our eldest was born she was in my face about the breast feeding,telling me he doesn’t need to be fed on demand , constantly winding him, she held him constantly, I wasnt a strong enough person then to say to her, give me my baby back and do one!
She would be constantly making comments about his potty training too, he was diagnosed with dyspraxia at around 5 so that kinda explained stuff( not that I’m saying that about your fabulous child)
after he was diagnosed she would then go on about his development at school, it’s been never ending! (He’s now 23 and is doing so well, holding down a full time job )
I had 2 more DC and I’ve learnt my lesson! I barely see her now, she says to my DH what did I do to upset her? Errr! I wonder!
I hope this helps? I hope your Dad recovers well , you are a fabulous mum, maybe change the locks on your house?!

oakleaffy · 27/07/2023 19:57

I'd not dream of dropping in to my son's house without a mutually arranged time beforehand, stick to this rule, many people do.

indomitablespirit · 27/07/2023 21:52

My MIL has been awful to me ever since I got married to her son. She lives in another country but I have had to spend every single holiday there because my husband is a mummy’s boy. I told him about the nasty things she has said to me many times, but he eventually told me I am just good at making up stories. I am now getting a divorce, for more reasons than just this. Your husband has to be on your side, not his mother’s. He has made a family with you and if his mother is mean to you (clearly she is) he has to back you up. I’m sorry you feel so alone - she is making things worse for you, and not even acknowledging you crying sounds cold and bullying to me. She can’t invade your house again - pretend you’re not home. Hope things get better for you soon

Abouttimemum · 27/07/2023 21:57

ColourfulHairbands · 13/07/2023 00:09

I personally don’t see what she said that’s wrong about the potty training but that’s just me!

But there’s nothing wrong with not being potty trained at 3 so what’s she whining about and why? She’d get a fat fuck off from me!

BigDaddio · 27/07/2023 22:41

Sorry you've got rubbish in-laws. I'm sorry to say it doesn't sound like she will change. But your DP should be backing you not them....
My In laws are always over but they are really nice people and happy to help out - me , my wife and especially the DGs !

JournalistEmily · 28/07/2023 06:21

Awww OP I can understand totally how this must have felt. What a witch!!! The lack of consideration for you and your home is stunning. For background I have parents who used to allow my mum’s mum and dad round whenever they liked with no boundaries set. Theyd end up there every day often just turning up. As a kid I obv loved this but despite allowing it my mum wd complain about it all the time. When i was older i vowed never to be the same. I think you need to speak to your husband about this and start trying to make your home a bit more off limits