To think MIL is the most heartless, uncaring person

[Whoisthee]

I don’t really have anyone to speak to IRL about this, but MIL has just upset me when I don’t need it!

She does have a history of undermining me, whispering about me to DH etc.

Our whole family has just been hit by an awful vomiting bug. I’ve been in bed all day.

MIL and FIL came round at teatime, as they often do. They treat our house like a drop in centre! Calling in whenever they like. They’ve done it since DS was born.

As soon as MIL stepped thru the door she started whinging about how DS is nearly three and he’s not potty trained. We are trying with it and DS will sit on the potty at certain times. She said I need to “encourage “ DS more. I said “ well I try my best “. She just looked at me blankly and I couldn’t help it but I started crying. My dad has been in hospital for heart surgery today and I’ve spent most of the day being sick. I work part time but called in sick today.

MIL just sat there and looked at me. She carried on playing with DS. I went upstairs.

DP then came in from work and came upstairs. I told him about his mum and why I was upset. He just said “ ok”. He has a big history of backing his parents up or being neutral in these situations.

For context, my own mum passed away last year and I’m an only child. My dad is my only family.

If I ever appear upset or anxious MIL just asks DP next time she sees him what was wrong,she never asks me.

AIBU to think MIL should be slightly more caring considering I’ve lost my own mum?Also worth mentioning that MIL also has a DD with kids who lives two hours away. She partly lives there to be away from MIL!

Thanks for sticking with it if you’ve read this long! I have no friends to chat to and feel so alone.

She might be your mil but it doesnt give her carte blanche to walk all over you, your home or your feelings. Perhaps get some assertiveness advice.

I’d cut contact and lay some strict boundaries. Fuck her.

Losing one’s Mum is a really painful thing and is something you never really get over. I completely get how you feel about that and your Dad - I hope he’s okay after his surgery. I think your MIL should keep her nose out of your life and shut up about how you are bringing up your DS. It’s none of her damn business. She should also know better about dropping in around your house whenever it suits her too. Take care of yourself and try to stand your ground when you can though appreciate it’s not easy when MIL is a bitch.

I would first of all set boundaries and say they can’t just be dropping in - at all. Unless it’s an emergency they need to ask in advance.
Then secondly I would be telling DH that he needs to back you more and you’re in need of some boundaries with his parents

You let her in when you were sick and DH wasn’t even there? Then you hid away because she’d upset you? Fuck that! Don’t let her in! If she has a key then demand it back or change the locks. You need to change this now! What’s the worse that can happen? She won’t like you? She doesn’t anyway! Put your foot down and stop this ridiculous abuse of your gentle nature.

Keep your front door locked and don’t answer it.

Tell her she is a mean heartless cunt.

I wonder if SIL could be a potential friend if not immediately maybe in the future? Could you reach out? "Hey SIL, we don't see each other much, but I'd love to get to know you better and make sure our kids grow up knowing their cousins, how about we pour ourselves a glass of wine on a friday night and spend 30mins chatting on the phone?" Might be a bit awkward at first, but it sounds like you need to put some effort into finding some friendships and building a support network.

Yep, door locked with chain on. Don't answer the door a few times and she'll get the message. Just say to DH when she complains oh I didn't hear the door or it wasn't a good time I was on the loo, in the shower, sorting DS out. Or answer keeping the chain on saying sorry really not a good time, not a good day for visitors etc then shut the door before she puts her foot in the gap. You'll be v unpopular but you need to make a stand.

Hi I am so sorrry
from my experience.. accept that your MIL will never change …
get your support from elsewhere if you can
hugs for you

Oh my gosh - sympathise with you. My Mil makes me livid too! It's the worst when partner doesn't get it - partner needs to advocate for you too as it's his mother causing a problem and difficult for you to address, it just is (not you personally, it's the situation).

No.1 - she needs to come round on your terms and not hers.

I'd have found myself hoping the bug was a catchy one.

I hope your dad is ok.

Start ignoring the door. I’ve done that a few times with dp family, I’m my defence mil is also a cowbag!

I have this with my MIL (but not under your sad circumstances - I am sorry)
Its very mentally draining, having constant criticism. Also such negativity- when you most certainly don’t need it.
Mine is very mood dependent- and usually aimed at me and not DH. Often hes not in the room when things are said.
The trouble is DH saying something probably wont make a difference as she is so unaware about what she is saying.

The thing I have learnt though is you can’t change people. She obviously lacks self awareness. I now try to box the ridiculous things said as ‘ridiculous and untrue comments’. Rather than going over them as it makes me more upset, angry and just mentally unwell!

I think it usually happens stems from some issues of their own.

Sorry to read this. She sounds like my MIL. I have years of examples of similar things. I wish I could offer words of advice, other than keep her at arm’s length. I now have a very distant relationship with my mil. Her loss.

I honestly don't know why MILs behave like this. I'm a living supporting MiL myself. I lost my mum in my late 20s and my MiL told me that if I needed a mum she'd be there for me.

Your DH needs to support you more.

"Hi mil, I am sure that you noticed that I was upset today. My dad has had surgery today and I am feeling really unwell. It wasn't a good time to discuss our progress on potty training. For now I am struggling so much I am going to have to say that I can't host you on my own at the moment. If you would like to come round, please arrange with DH in advance (and check it's a suitable time for us) at a time he'll be home, or he could go to you perhaps. I am sure you will understand". Just send it. They might get upset but they don't care when you get upset so it can hardly be much worse. Do they have a key? If they come round and haven't checked with DH tell them its not a good time and to get in touch with DH for a good time when he's home. Be consistent so that they get the message. If they do come round and upset you then go upstairs until they leave.

When you are feeling better, stronger and less emotional, tell your husband you need to talk. Sit him down and explain that the routine you have unhappily settled into with PIL is making you miserable and unsupported. Explain how these constant digs are affecting your mental health. Also have a solution ready to discuss, and tell him what you need him to do to support you.
If he takes it on board- great.
If he acts like you’re being unreasonable and ignores your concerns- you have a big problem with your marriage and you have some serious decisions to make about your future.
Big hugs to you and hope your dad recovers quickly.

I feel for you. Setting boundaries with people who have none is really hard. Especially if your partner won’t back you up. My MIL is the same. I have got very good at grey rocking her. Which is where I literally take nothing she says on board. Just let it bounce off.
You won’t solve this in a day but you can start with baby steps. Work on ways for you to gain confidence before you put pressure on yourself to implement anything. Journaling is really good and helped me massively, great way to vent frustration in a safe place. And talk to your dp, without emotion, just tell him how it makes you feel.
also so sorry about your mum and hope you’re dad has a speedy recovery. Sounds like you need a lot of love and support right now. Sending you some virtually xx

Yes!
When the son finds another woman, which he will, you and the kids will be left out of the inheritance and that cow won't see you for dust.
Write everything down and see a solicitor.
He seems like a terrible mummy's boy and he won't change.
My MIL invited herself round every other weekend and looked round the drawers in my bedroom etc.
They did contribute to the mortgage deposit.
And so apparently they were allowed to rule my life.
Get rid

I might suggest moving far away from said lady if husband can't deal with situation. I know you shouldn't have to but might be easier.
The answers have made me laugh. Definitely keep the door shut or start being out and break the routine. It's easy to say change the locks and tell her to piss off out the window, but harder to actually do it in real life. I feel for u💕

Plus wonder if she would like you dropping in on her twice a day. Yes. thought not.

You need to stick up for yourself and fall out with her if need be.

Can you lock the door when you are home to stop them just walking in? It must be unbearable having mil walking in as and when she pleases. Hope you can come to a solution that works 🤞🏻

She sounds exactly the same as my ex’s mother! She was so heartless to me and reduced me to tears in my own home - my fault though as I shouldn’t have let her in my house in the first place, I thought I was being kind!