To think MIL is the most heartless, uncaring person

[Whoisthee]

I don’t really have anyone to speak to IRL about this, but MIL has just upset me when I don’t need it!

She does have a history of undermining me, whispering about me to DH etc.

Our whole family has just been hit by an awful vomiting bug. I’ve been in bed all day.

MIL and FIL came round at teatime, as they often do. They treat our house like a drop in centre! Calling in whenever they like. They’ve done it since DS was born.

As soon as MIL stepped thru the door she started whinging about how DS is nearly three and he’s not potty trained. We are trying with it and DS will sit on the potty at certain times. She said I need to “encourage “ DS more. I said “ well I try my best “. She just looked at me blankly and I couldn’t help it but I started crying. My dad has been in hospital for heart surgery today and I’ve spent most of the day being sick. I work part time but called in sick today.

MIL just sat there and looked at me. She carried on playing with DS. I went upstairs.

DP then came in from work and came upstairs. I told him about his mum and why I was upset. He just said “ ok”. He has a big history of backing his parents up or being neutral in these situations.

For context, my own mum passed away last year and I’m an only child. My dad is my only family.

If I ever appear upset or anxious MIL just asks DP next time she sees him what was wrong,she never asks me.

AIBU to think MIL should be slightly more caring considering I’ve lost my own mum?Also worth mentioning that MIL also has a DD with kids who lives two hours away. She partly lives there to be away from MIL!

Thanks for sticking with it if you’ve read this long! I have no friends to chat to and feel so alone.

What you don’t realise is you hold all the cards! You’re not bothered about seeing them, they want to see you (well their son and grandchild at least) so what’s the worst that can happen to cool it with them. Do as others suggest, don’t let them in. Personally I would just stand in the front doorway give them a big smile and say DH isn’t there at the moment, perhaps call before they come so they’re not disappointed? If they make a move to come in just say brightly “hope you don’t mind, I’m up to my eyes in it at the moment, catch up with you some other time, I’ll tell DH you called” amd close the door. Seriously, what’s the worst that could happen? If they think you’re rude etc then they may whine about you , but they’ll come round less. If DH tackles you, just say you smiled, were polite but was busy, so what did he want you to do? If he wants to see them he can bloody go and see them!

If you have to let them in just wave them towards the kettle and then absolutely ignore them. Go and take your DC and get in the bath with them and lock the door. Hopefully they’ll be bored and get the message. Don’t entertain them and just respond airily to whatever they (she) says, don’t get into conversation.

it is a privilege for them to visit your family in your home and one they can lose by being arseholes!

Does she have a key, OP?

You need to move two hours away too.

My own DC were 3 when they stopped using nappies. They went straight to using a toilet so no nasty, unhygenic, potties to drag around and deal with because they were tall enough and coordinated enough to sit on a toilet with one of those foldable padded child seats in place. Nobody, and I mean nobody, gives a flying fuck how old they were when they stopped using nappies, and nobody will care about your DS's age either.

I’m sorry you are in this difficult situation. I’m a lot older than you but it was horrible when my mum died and my dad was ill / having surgery and DC was a lot older. I agree with others although I would not put it so harshly, you have more power than you think and you need to put boundaries in place. Hope you feel better soon and your dad is doing well post op. Perhaps you could consider some counselling or psychotherapy to give you a space to process things and think about your own needs.

Honestly I would send a text message or email to MIl, FIL and DH.

"I am no longer prepared to facilitate being so disrespected in my own home.

If you wish to visit you must 1) make an appointment. 2) You must be pleasant to me. 3) No more criticising my parenting. No exceptions.

This is one of the reasons I lock my front door and leave the key in every time I walk through the door. If I don't want to answer the door I don't, doesn't really matter who it is. I have quite firm boundaries on people visiting my home, they can't just turn up. It's the same for everyone (my own parents, in laws, sibling etc) and as far as I'm aware no-one has been offended by that. If they were, that would be a them problem, not a me problem.
I'd take the view of she's already causing bad feelings, so I'd just do what I need to do to resolve current issues and create those boundaries and if she throws her toys out the pram that's up to her.
But then I'm apparently cold hearted 🤷‍♀️

"It would be a HUGE mistake to have another child with this weak mummys boy, as it will be more of the same.

If you want your life to improve you will quietly make plans to leave.

Not surprised your SIL lives away.

If you aren't working, get back asap and make plans for a better future."

The above is written by someone who is bitter and has personal issues.

I always say, NEVER take any advice from the people who jump on a thread the minute it appears. They just live for those and always, always, always, write: "You MUST leave your husband.... You MUST divorce him...."

I wonder why?

Poor you. You need sensible, constructive advice.

Explain to your husband all that you have written here. Take note of how he reacts. Observe if he follows up your requests and, most importantly, if he REALLY acts. Just be open with your husband and let him know exactly how you feel.

You probably feel like taking out your frustrations... well, take it out on your husband. You must be the centre of his life now (and, of course, your joint child). Not his parents.

You poor thing, im not surprised you were upset. If your DH won't step up I think I would grab my coat every time the door goes so if its them you can let them in and say you are on your way out. Either take Ds with you or leave him with DH.

Like this!

Like this as well!

Next time she asks why DS isn't potty trained etc, I'd be directing her to ask her own son as it's 50% his responsibility to be helping with that. She doesn't sound like a very pleasant person, I'm sorry you had to deal with her when you're unwell.

There is some great advice on here that does not necessarily involve you "leaving your husband tomorrow". Trust me, those who write these things are bitter lonely people who spread negativity. All the good answers here are positive affirmative action. Don't listen to the "divorce him now" brigade. They have no lives outside Mumsnet.

She’s bullying you. She has no right to tell you what you should or shouldn’t be doing. Protect yourself for your own well-being. Your DH is her primary relationship- from now on that’s who she talks to - phone/text/socials. Mute her on everything. She’s only allowed in when DH is there and he does all the hosting -teas, sandwiches, etc. while you make yourself scarce - go out/paint the bedroom skirting board/pop to Lidl for a sprocket set…whatever. You are done.

💐sorry for the loss of your mum. I lost my dad this year. It’s hard ❤️

Your husband is going to need to learn to be more supportive instead of worrying that his mother will get upset if he doesn’t back her, no matter how appalling her behaviour is. That’s learned childhood behaviour but he can also learn to change that. He needs to teach himself to recognise her unhealthy behaviour without leaving him emotionally paralysed. He can’t just pretend it’s not happening, he has a wife and child who are also going to be negatively impacted by her now.

I don’t think anyone has said that. But to blame just the MIL is only one side of the story - her DH allows his parents to treat her like that. And like a pp has pointed out - potty training and parenting is his responsibility too.

Horrible bag

Honestly, don't answer the door if you don't want to see them. Get a chain or leave the key in so they can't open it. Your DH needs to have a word as well about not just calling in when he's not there.

This was among the first answers: "If you want your life to improve you will quietly make plans to leave."

She’s a cow and your dp is weak. He’d rather see you upset than his mother. Time to put down boundaries. Your dp can tell her how often is suitable to visit (once a fortnight, max, rest of the time, your dp can take your child to them while you relax at home. And tell him to man the fuck up.

Actually they are more likely realists who have been exposed to story after story of husbands prioritising everyone except their wives.

Blowing smoke up someone's arse isn't necessarily going to help them see where the problem lies. The OP had already said the her husband doesn't back her up.

OP you have a DH problem he should be speaking to you MIL about her comments, but he won't because he cares less about upsetting you than upsetting her.

Make sure when you are upset it is unpleasant for him too. He'll soon learn which side his bread is buttered.

I agree with other posters, be much less available and any criticism of your parenting should be met with answer that 50 per cent of it is down to your husband so why doesn't she discuss it with him.

Like another poster - I didn’t use potties. Straight on the toilet as they saw Mum and Dad use, and they were interested to copy. Keep the door locked, don’t let yr PIL in! But do agree you have a weak husband, he wants to run with the hare and then run with the hounds, never ever works. Your home is NOT their drop-in centre. I send best wishes to your Dad, I hope he recovers well. Time to put a few boundary’s in place for YOU!

Did PIL bring the vomiting bug into your house? They wouldn’t be getting back through my door if they knowingly did so! I’m rubbish at boundaries, but that would be my line in the sand.

On a more serious note, the whole thing sounds awful. I hope you feel much better tomorrow and that you can use some of the advice you’ve received. The Mumsnet vipers are good at navigation.

I'm so sorry about your mum, and I really hope your dad is OK. You're feeling sick too and having to deal with MIL. I hope you feel better soon and can have a forthright conversation with your DH about her when you do. Be kind to yourself. Two small points - my own DH used to be a wimp where his DM was concerned but when the dch were small he did realise that he needed to put us first, so there's hope. Also, both my dch (twins) went from nappies to the toilet. I think we used a potty for two weeks. So again, there's hope.

Call your sister in law and tell her how miserable they are all making you.

Its not only you she's mean to if your SIL has moved so far away so always keep that in mind. Think you're going to have to be the strong one if your dh is being a wimp where his mother and boundaries are concerned.
Sorry to hear what a rough time youre having and being unwell on top of that can't be easy. Put yourself first, you can't look after your dc easily if you're not well.
If she criticises you just ask what she suggests, she'll soon get sick of it.
Sending you an unmumsnet hug and 💐