To think MIL is the most heartless, uncaring person

[Whoisthee]

I don’t really have anyone to speak to IRL about this, but MIL has just upset me when I don’t need it!

She does have a history of undermining me, whispering about me to DH etc.

Our whole family has just been hit by an awful vomiting bug. I’ve been in bed all day.

MIL and FIL came round at teatime, as they often do. They treat our house like a drop in centre! Calling in whenever they like. They’ve done it since DS was born.

As soon as MIL stepped thru the door she started whinging about how DS is nearly three and he’s not potty trained. We are trying with it and DS will sit on the potty at certain times. She said I need to “encourage “ DS more. I said “ well I try my best “. She just looked at me blankly and I couldn’t help it but I started crying. My dad has been in hospital for heart surgery today and I’ve spent most of the day being sick. I work part time but called in sick today.

MIL just sat there and looked at me. She carried on playing with DS. I went upstairs.

DP then came in from work and came upstairs. I told him about his mum and why I was upset. He just said “ ok”. He has a big history of backing his parents up or being neutral in these situations.

For context, my own mum passed away last year and I’m an only child. My dad is my only family.

If I ever appear upset or anxious MIL just asks DP next time she sees him what was wrong,she never asks me.

AIBU to think MIL should be slightly more caring considering I’ve lost my own mum?Also worth mentioning that MIL also has a DD with kids who lives two hours away. She partly lives there to be away from MIL!

Thanks for sticking with it if you’ve read this long! I have no friends to chat to and feel so alone.

I wouldn’t be letting anyone in if you’ve got a sickness bug!

She doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings or your family. So stop giving a damn about her. The worm must turn!

No longer open the door to them. As another said, call through the window that they'll have to arrange visits through your husband.

Don't waste your time seeing them; go about your business on the occasions he does let them into your home (which in your shoes I would be severely limiting; let him take the kids to theirs). If she starts to give you unsolicated advice, just walk away.

No more organizing of cards, gifts, etc. for his side of the family.

Remember, they have not made an effort to be polite, considerate or kind to you. You owe them nothing. If your husband has a problem with your newfound self respect, tell him to fuck off. He owes you some loyalty and if he doesn't step up, reconsider the entire relationship.

You don't have to accept any of their mistreatment or their presence.

Thank you for all your responses, some of them have made me smile. MIL has actually already had the sickness bug, it’s gone thru everyone.I actually nearly left just after DS was born, they used to visit twice a day. Plus you never know what mood MIL will be in so it was HARD work! I’m so fed up of DP not wanting to get involved with addressing his mums behaviour. He’s self employed and works long hours, but I think if he really cared he would speak to his mum. I feel so isolated. Dad and I have a good relationship but he is literally my only family. I just think if partner and PIL don’t care who does.

AIBU to think MIL should be slightly more caring considering I’ve lost my own mum?

YABU
Its irrelevant whether you have lost your mum or not.

Your door should be locked and you should have turned them away/told them to leave because you are sick.

Most importantly your DH needs to stick up for you and tell them to either be nice to you or not come round.

She sounds awful!! So sorry for your loss with your mum and best wishes for your dad's recovery.

Semi light hearted - if you have a vomiting bug you should have made her a cup of tea with biscuits. Obviously spit in the tea and lick the biscuits though!!

There are 3 issues here:

• You have a DH problem
• Your MIL is openly judgmental and opinionated
• Your in-laws visit to a point that familiarity breeds contempt

Time to take charge as your DH won’t. You are a mother and an adult, you don’t have to put up with shit in your own house. This incident is a golden opportunity to make a stand and draw some boundaries.

• Visits are agreed - no more dropping in. A text beforehand to check convenience.
• No disrespect or interfering in your parenting.
• DH to back you up in this.

Sorry to read about your mum.

Boundaries OP. Keep your distance. Be less available. Be on the way out the door when she comes to the door. Tell her 'now' isn't a good time. Don't entertain her. Don't offer her coffee. Watch tv while she's there. Don't answer your phone. Don't return her calls. Don't tell her anything other than you would tell a work colleague you didn't like. Don't include her. Don't make her a part of your lives.

And your husband needs to have your back.

Your partner needs to set boundaries

You can't control her personality but you can control
What boundaries you set

1. Cough all over her.
2. Keep your doors locked.

Sorry but I wouldn’t have my MIL & FIL use my house as a drop in centre. We visit family once a month, love them to bits, but have our own lives. You really need to set boundaries. Even if you want to see them fairly frequently, you need it to be on your terms at your house. I wouldn’t turn up at anyone’s house without checking its ok. Your partner needs to be a grown up and talk to them about this.

I don’t understand why you let them in. If they have a key, change the locks or get a bolt/chain.

Then tackle your disloyal DH problem.

I agree, next time you see her at the door, don't open it.

This!

Your DP is a prick BTW.

Really sorry to hear your dad is unwell and hope he recovers quickly. It's all the worse that you've been sick too, hope you're better soon.

Can I ask, why do you have no friends? I'm wondering if your unsupportive DP has cut you off from them?

MIL may well have a key !

I’d tell her to fuck off and not let her in next time unless it’s been arranged first. And I’d change the locks if she’s got a key or use a bolt as well as your key system. No way would she be getting entry to my house if it wasn’t convenient to me.

Can’t you just pull the curtains and not let them in.
Change the locks if they have a key.
Lock any side gates so they can’t try to get through the back door.
🤣
Just looked 🔝to see if my comments were silly and noticed @Peachy2005 has said the same thing……

Id be hiding under the bed, with kid and potty, of course.

Meanwhile tell dh to tell his parents not to visit every day because it’s pissing you off and they are not supportive.

I would send a message saying that she is only to come round when your DH is home. I would then ignore the door when she inevitably comes knocking...

You could be more direct. I would be to my MIL but as you seem quite intimidated by her then this is what I would suggest if you were my friend.

Your DH can deal with her shit going forward.

Don’t let them in. If they have a key then leave a chain on until DH grows a pair and gets the key back.

Write the day off as an awful one. Tomorrow is another day.

Is she like this with everyone or just you

Why do you let her treat you like this? It is your home. Lock the door, don't answer it. People treat you the way you let them.

That being said she sounds awful

Poor you a vomiting bug is very contagious……..!

I hope you dad is ok. I have a very close relative who has had two major heart surgeries and is now fit and healthy. The cardiac surgeons perform miracles.

could you change the locks on your doors so mil can’t just prance in. She sounds awful. Hope you get well soon.

I hope you are feeling better very soon, and I hope your Dad is doing well.

Why would your in laws visit when you have a sickness bug ? Well they will soon have it to.

Shes just an unfeeling baggage. My own Mother has no empathy for others quite often, although we must have it for her. She’s a lot older now, and hasn’t had the easiest life.

Yeah, they only visit when your husband is home, you tell.him that and he can pass the message on. Lay down the law with him, he backs you up or you leave! So sorry to hear you've had a crappy day 💐