Even dh doesn’t care about the risk

[Themstherules]

Hi

I absolutely hate to be that parent but I feel very upset about this.

As is the same every year people share pictures and videos on social media of school events and these inevitably contain other children. It’s done on WhatsApp, snap chat, insta and FB. People think that their socials are private especially Watsapp and snap chat but let’s be honest non of these are secure.

We are told before each event that photo and videos are allowed but must be kept private.

Yesterday someone shared a whole class photo of dc I’m uniform. I reported it and I messaged the school parent group to ask for it to be taken down. The sharer did then remove it.

I feel totally embarrassed but I ended up sharing on the group page why I was asking for this. I said I’m sorry to be a pain but xyz is why I would like it removed. The reasons are very personal and non of the school parent would be aware but I felt it necessary to share my reasons so I didn’t look neurotic and so it really brought it home to people who keep doing this.

I spoke to dh about it last night and although he didn’t say it I get the impression he thinks I’m over the top and being risk averse. He wouldn’t have bothered if it was him who saw it.

I now feel upset that I shared my Children’s personal life story with the school parents, obviously I didn’t go into all the details I just simply stated why. And I feel like maybe I am being that neurotic parent. No one responded to what I said and I now feel judged.

Aibu? Should I apologise to the group? Should I have left the picture up?

We are in the sane situation with our youngest child, no one seems to understand/care unless they're in the same situation. These things get shared by people without a 2nd thought for others & the consequences that could follow.

As a fellow AP I completely understand why you did this and you were totally right to. Our school are great at policing this. They remind parents and carers at the start of each event not to take whole group photos and then at the end have time for parents to come and photograph their own child. Yesterday parents were grumbling to me about this at sports day…little did they know my child is why they have this rule for similar reasons to yours!

Also just to highlight for some PPs that adoptive parents are ‘real’ parents for those using that word to describe bio/birth parents

And if your child got hurt in the process of the aggressor now knowing where the child was?

Some children are moved due to dangers from gangs or because a gang member has taken a particular dislike to them for nothing more than existing/not wanting to get involved/not handing over money and phones/telling somebody they were robbed or assaulted by them. If your photo enables a gang to locate that child, they aren't going to just walk up nicely, stab the child and walk away again, leaving everybody else unscathed, whether emotionally or physically.

I'm really surprised that your DH thinks that you overreacted. What you've described is a very real risk to your DC.

You are not being unreasonable. There are safeguarding reasons why you are asked by the school if they can use your child’s image in their literature etc. It is usually to do with the risk posed by family members. You should not be embarrassed about your request.

You weren’t being unreasonable and you shouldn’t have to explain yourself - absolutely does my head in that these roasters have to share every single thing on social media even when asked not to.

You had your reasons & maybe keeping them to yourself might have been better in hindsight, because now it’s raised new insecurities in you, but what’s done is done, dust yourself down hold your head high & carryon as if nothings been said; if you do that everyone will act the same; go back in all meek & submissive & they will just gossip about it. Chin up love I hope your ok x

I wish people would stop giving OP grief about sharing the details. I understand why she did and in her situation may well have done the same. Managing confidentiality when you adopt is often not straightforward. Very often, the child will tell (unless you train them to treat their circumstances as a dirty little secret, this will happen). Or they will be adopted at school age, or while an older sibling is already at the school. Remember that not all adoptive families 'pass': in my case, as a lesbian with children of different ethnicities, people assumed correctly.

My dc have now left primary school but I still remember how otherwise pleasant parents kicked off about sharing photos on SM. Or gossiped with their kids about our family. Or talked about the adopted kids at our school as 'trouble' who 'shouldn't be in a school like this'. Or grumbled that the 'adopted kids get everything' (what, I never found out). Or assumed I was being paid to raise my child (I wish!)

OP has done nothing wrong. Just used her judgment, as adoptive parents have to get very used to.

Is that supposed to help?

OP feels as she does because of how other people behave not because she behaved in a perfectly normal way.

Mention it to the school. Ours used to make an announcement because we had children whose lives were at risk if their parents knew where they were. The school can make an announcement saying no photos at all or that photos may only contain their children. People seem to be a bit more mindful then.

Wow you're nearly as selfish as peaches then, aren't you? You 'just weren't having that?' because you want 'photos of key moments'? Don't you think adopters might like photos of 'key moments' that they don't have, like newborn photos? Take photos of key moments of your kid in their first uniform or whatever, but anyone thinking their want for photos should override a child's safety needs to have a word with themselves

Jumped the gun a bit there. The PP only took a photo onto her phone.
That said she could have phrased it better to sound less ignorant.

You were right (another adopter), personally I’ve felt being quite open has been quite positive for us in many ways but we do have nice parents in our year group. I’m quite a private person anyway and don’t understand why people feel the need to share so much on social media so it’s also the principle of it, nobody has the right to share images of others without consent, but especially children. Hopefully being open will mean you don’t have to keep doing this in future!

Schools can only do this with permission from parents though.

I don't think so to be honest. That poster wrote

due to a safety issue similar to yours we could t take ANY photos of one of our dc class at all and I just wasn’t having that. I took them anyway and refused to delete them

She knew the reason for no photos was to ensure a child's safety, but she took photos anyway and refused to delete them. That to me is the height of entitled, selfish ignorance, to think that your want to have photos of your kid at school is more important than a child's safety, just blows my mind.

Exactly. It's standard practice, rightly so, that photos of children are not displayed anywhere, obviously including online, without parents's consent, and I would add, as soon as they're old enough chidren should ask too.

Multiple reaaons for caution with using any images online. People are naiive if they think it's a fuss about nothing.
The images can be used by abusers. There's people who may be in witness protection, custody issues, all sorts

I’ve not said otherwise. Just rationalising that it isn’t the risk people claim or think it is…..unless other circumstances exist such a child in care or protective order

We had a policy of 'absolutely no photography' when my eldest started at primary, and it carried on until he left yr6 as his friend was at risk. Now, they allow photographs and videos and always say please keep them off social media. Most people follow the rule. The school uploads any official photos to their Facebook, class dojo etc (with consent) and often edit out any children that haven't consent or are at risk.

I would think your school needs the same policy, as safeguarding and keeping your children safe are surely part of the adoption process. Your DH should be on board.

You mean unless the children are like the very children the entire thread is about…

Your reasons are perfectly understandable.

At my sons school, if any pictures are shared by the teacher on the app, any child who’s parents haven’t approved their child being on pictures have their faces covered with a circle or star.

I took a video of my son yesterday at a show they did in school which is hilarious but I haven’t posted this on Facebook as there are other children on there.

The school do have a Facebook page and they do post on there sometimes but you have to have consented to this before they start school but I still wouldn’t share a class video/pic myself out of respect for the other children and their parents. Some people don’t like their lives all over Social Media and that’s ok.

You're calling the op picky because she's protecting the lives of her children?? Wtf. This makes me think you're a live social media or die person. Where your own identity depends on sharing everything on socials. It's been long established now we don't share photos of other people's kids on social media exactly for thr reason of adopted children. They are at risk for many things if identified. Wow just wow👌

Did you read the reason why OP needed the photo removed and you understand that sharing photos of other people’s children without permission is against all school rules. It’s a very selfish outlook you have

You were not unreasonable at all OP, photos of other people's children being shared or even being taken has been a no no for years like team photos when my lads were playing football at best had to ask permission from other parents to take a pic fortunately wasn't as much social media as now. But it was for safeguarding reasons such as yours , surprised at your husband's reaction , its a shame you had to explain your reasoning as obviously its a very private matter , I hope the parent involved was apologetic , I also think it's up to the school to be more strict, sure you are not the only one who has an issue.

PeachesOnTheBeaches I am shocked by your response. Its not always easy to make sure your child not in a photo especially at school, but you would expect people to respect rules on safeguarding why does anyone need to share on social media their child's whole class

YANBU for not wanting your childrens pictures posted online, your choice for privacy should be respected.

YABU for wanting to apologise and saying you are 'that'parent. You shouldnt have to apoligise for prioritising your childs safety. And, 'that' parent is the dick-head that shared the photo.

I wouldn't rely on the school either. I've had a negetive experience with my DC's school, my reasons for privacy weren't satisfactory for the safeguarding officer and she felt it necessary to belittle us as parents.

The school uploaded a picture to their social media which contained one of my DC without consent AND after being told that there was no consent for them to do this!

A parent took a screenshot of a christmas concert DVD and shared that to the school FB - so it can and does happen!

DS managed to get into the class and school photos because he thought the pictures were for the school displays. The teachers just forgot that he wasn't supposed to be in group school photos.

Another parent recorded a video of her DC in a sports and uploaded it to a private facebook messaging group all the other kids in the class were also in the video including DS.

DC will be having sick days when the school photographer is in next time because I cant trust that the school will remember to respect our privacy choices. Not only that, the school has chosen to accept the privacy policy made by the photographer which on reading I would never agree to in a million years! Who the fuck needs to keep photos of school children indefinately??

It doesnt matter if the profile isn't public or if its a private group, there are still dick-heads that think because an image is in these groups then they have the right by-proxy to re-share anywhere they feel like. And how many of us know everyone in these groups?

Don't underestimate how stupid/selfish/ignorant people can be! The dick-heads are everywhere!

Another one dismissing peoples experiences and being utterly disrespectful to people.

Do you think people make it up for fun?