Even dh doesn’t care about the risk

[Themstherules]

Hi

I absolutely hate to be that parent but I feel very upset about this.

As is the same every year people share pictures and videos on social media of school events and these inevitably contain other children. It’s done on WhatsApp, snap chat, insta and FB. People think that their socials are private especially Watsapp and snap chat but let’s be honest non of these are secure.

We are told before each event that photo and videos are allowed but must be kept private.

Yesterday someone shared a whole class photo of dc I’m uniform. I reported it and I messaged the school parent group to ask for it to be taken down. The sharer did then remove it.

I feel totally embarrassed but I ended up sharing on the group page why I was asking for this. I said I’m sorry to be a pain but xyz is why I would like it removed. The reasons are very personal and non of the school parent would be aware but I felt it necessary to share my reasons so I didn’t look neurotic and so it really brought it home to people who keep doing this.

I spoke to dh about it last night and although he didn’t say it I get the impression he thinks I’m over the top and being risk averse. He wouldn’t have bothered if it was him who saw it.

I now feel upset that I shared my Children’s personal life story with the school parents, obviously I didn’t go into all the details I just simply stated why. And I feel like maybe I am being that neurotic parent. No one responded to what I said and I now feel judged.

Aibu? Should I apologise to the group? Should I have left the picture up?

It’s always amazing on these threads that some grown adults insist that children should miss out on school events so they can keep their right to photos to share with all and sundry

@marmaladeslade - read the OPs posts, her children are adopted and their location needs to remain hidden for their own safety.

Doesn't your child wear that shirt to school everyday?

It still makes no sense to me. If they know they go to that school then they know. PHoto or not.
If they don't are you suggesting that they are trolling through every online photo of every school ever posted?

I don't think you were unreasonable, keeping your children safe is the first law of parenthood isn't it.

You are not being selfish or over the top. The other parents sharing the whole photo are being selfish and thoughtless.

Many people I know edit out other children/cover their faces. It’s not difficult.

Someone might have an idea of a town or a city and possibly have to check only a few schools.

My DD's so called friend put photos of DD on FB (friend's privacy settings were non existent). For personal reasons those particular photos were very distressing. We asked over and over again for the "friend" (who was an adult in a job that required safe guarding training) to remove the photos. Friend would not remove them.
Needless to say the friendship was ended and none of us have any contact with the family.
Some people behave very badly.
OP I am so sorry you were put through that.

@Themstherules I think actually knowing which children they are helps a parent to avoid taking photos with your children in it or they could crop photos if they are in them. Usually there is a blanket no photos on social media rule but parents don't know which child it relates to. I am sorry that they have had to deal with this at such a young age.

I know the majority of people out there would take the photo down and I think someone on here is just looking for a bun fight but my children's school had to take extreme measures when a photo was posted and a violent Father who had been in prison for his crimes found the school where his children went from the photo. It ended up in a lockdown situation with the police called and then a police presence at the school when the gates were opened every day. It wasn't just him but his extended family too. Awful for the staff who felt the extra weight of responsibility because even when they close the gates a determined person can climb an 8ft fence.

@marmaladeslade - err yeah, it’s possible. There are FB groups where birth families try to track down adopted children and swap photos as part of that. They may know the general area to look in. I am really not sure what bit doesn’t make sense to you.

If a person is barred from contact with a child for safeguarding then they won’t know which school they go to. Yes, such people will sometimes go to lengths to try to find the child, including ringing up schools, looking online etc.

With reverse image search it isn't necessarily too hard.

With adopted or other at risk children, it is about balancing risk against 'normal' life. We do what we reasonably can.

You’ve never experienced the determination of a violent ex partner to track a family down - they will trawl for photos. Especially if they have any clues at all - my SIL’s ex husband tracked her down after five years of hiding and was helped by someone accidentally saying she was two hours away, they narrowed his search massively.

Your DCs image shouldn't be shared. In all honesty I wouldn't have shared your reasoning behind wanting the photo removed. It's really no one else's business. Although, I understand you wanting to give context. People are too free with sharing images without considering the consequences to others.

Exactly. These days, the kids all talk very openly about being adopted. Dd has 2 close friends, who are adopted.

YANBU op. The request from the school should have been respected. If they don’t do this, you would be within your rights to request no photos are taken. The selfish actions of some could spoil everyone’s enjoyment.

I cant believe the selfishness and entitlement of parents, some on this thread. Prioritising likes over safety.

Why on earth should she have to defend herself?

You're 100 percent right OP and I'm sorry you're going through this.

It wasn’t an official school photo. I couldn’t stop my dc being part of it because it was taken by a parent after an event and I didn’t have chance to remove my child. My child in the photo is only tiny still so won’t understand why they can’t be in the photo in their costume hugging all their mates after an activity. My older dc would probably avoid photos anyway as they are moody teens. I’d be less worried about older dc as they have changed so much I think they would be difficult to identify from a photo.
I have no problem with anyone taking a photo or video of my dc. I don’t even mind if someone shared one of them on social media if they were in plain clothes and it didn’t identify any personal info. I personally don’t but I don’t police this. It is only that they were wearing school uniform with logo on. It’s actually the first time my dc has worn a logo uniform as I usually by non logo stuff. I’d be happy for them to be blurred out. It’s important for parents to have memories of their dcs school journey and I have no problem in them having or taking photos or videos that they look at personally or show close family.
My dc know they are adopted. It’s not a secret to anyone. I’m not ashamed about that. It’s their life story to share and I do feel bad for sharing it but I just felt at the time it needed to be said because I felt people would judge me for being neurotic otherwise. I didn’t go into great details, I simply said my sorry I have to ask this but my dc are adopted and are at risk if there whereabouts are identified.
In the past schools did sell recordings of plays for example but it’s amazing how far and wide things can be shared these days even if settings are private. Of course people could take a snapshot of an official class photo or whatever and share it. I’d hope they blurred other dc out these days still.

Thanks for helping me not feel like a loon.

I never post pictures that include other children on social media. Why would you? They’re not my children and I don’t have explicit consent from the parents.

You’re not being unreasonable OP.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, particularly in this context.

Some people just don't like their children being shown on social media even without risk so I always respectfully ask parents if it's ok if it's a group photo.

I'm sorry you feel bad over this but it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You've done what you feel is right to protect your child. I don't think you're being judged, it's more likely people don't know what to say and because it's a group chat don't want to be the first one to address it.

The families I know with adopted children NEVER put their adopted children's faces on social media. They do post, but their children's faces are always covered/blurred/emoji'ed, etc. Schools don't post their pictures either.

It is a safety issue for adopted/looked after children, etc.

ok fair enough
I'm actually a registered foster carer and we are encouraged to take photos of the kids . Happy for them to go online. We are also encouraged to meet with the family. But on mumsnet foster children are always brought up as a reason why photos are terribly dangerous.
I have never heard of someone adopting a child and still having the parent chasing them . SO it's both parents. Highly unusual. Sorry for the bub in question.

I know of an adoptive child who's parent wouldn't tell another child's parent where they went for gym lessons (the little girls were friends and wanted to go to the same one). I think it was a similar case of the real parents being a danger. So understandable.

You are not being unreasonable to protect your DC. I foster children and posts upon SM are discouraged unless the child themselves post them as they get older.

Excellent advice

This is really unusual and a tad bizarre? I know a lot of people who have been through the adoption process and photos on an are a huge no no, I’m really surprised to hear that for the children you foster you’re encouraged to put photos online