to think my friend isn’t actually a lone parent?!

[butterlo]

My friend describes herself as a lone parent and whilst her dd doesn’t see her dad so obviously she has no practical help, she has hundreds a month from her ex which means she has more flexibility than me… who I consider is a real lone parent. No contact with the father and has never paid a penny! Surely that’s the definition of a lone parent, not someone who has significant financial input for their child?!

Quite.

Which I why I said she was being ridiculous.

Surely that's a bit like saying someone who wins a bit on the lottery, or inherits some money or has a higher salary isn't a lone parent. I do course she is one.

Oh come on, most women make an assessment of the man that they allow to impregnate them. Nobody can totally predict things but most can have a pretty good stab at it. Some women choose to get pregnant by unemployed men for example, surely that is setting themselves up for failure.

This is also why other women on mumsnet frequently advise that women need to be married before getting pregnant, not for some nice fancy wedding but for the legally binding financial contract. It doesn't always workout, but it is a hell of a lot more likely too than not having a contract in place at all.

Oh FGS, this again. 🙄 People change. It is well documented that abusive behaviour often starts after a woman is pregnant or children are born. It is a complete myth that there are always "red flags", something women in couples tell themselves to feel superior that in some way it is good judgement rather than luck and convince themselves it couldn't possibly happen to them. So many examples of threads here where people say their ex-DH was the last person they'd ever have expected to cheat/ abuse them/ walk out on their family etc. Yet more misogyny, blaming women for men's behaviour.

Your second paragraph is also laden with stereotypes. I am a lone parent. I was married for years before having children. Actually getting married was the most stupid financial decision I ever made. Many women these days are the higher earners.

And you know this how? What specifics lead you that conclusion?

All you know for a fact is the father is a deadbeat.

Why is it a competition? Live and let live!

Yabu. You both lone parents but you sound bitter and a bad friend

Errr I think it’s a little confusing because I refer to myself as a single parent, not a lone parent. I think it’s a bit toxic to compare yourself to a friend in different circumstances. I’m a single parent, my kids see their dad every other weekend for 1 night. I get financial support and rightly so. But I have no support from family nearby, they are a 6 hour drive away. So I have no life. I certainly don’t compare myself to other single parents who may have parents living nearby to help with childcare. It’s not healthy to compare like that. Everyone has different things going on. The OP mentions in another post “I have no options as entirely skint” well I hear you! I work in an office 3 days a week, and then at home I’m a full time mum, cleaner, cook, homework assistant… so on my 1 night when I don’t even have my kids, I’m usually in bed by 10 as I can’t even afford to go out/socialise/meet someone! 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP: a lone parent is a parent raising a child alone i.e. the child has no contact with the other parent. A single parent is someone living alone with a child but the child has contact with the other parent.

If you're concerned about finances you'd be better off spending your energy campaigning for overhaul of the maintenance laws in the UK and the CMS. And changes to the UK tax system which currently hugely penalises single adult households by taxing them far more on the same household income.

Do you get benefits OP
If you do then maybe you don't count as a lone parent by your own logic as you are getting financial assistance.

YABU, you are both lone parents but you got a worse deal as you aren’t supported financially. Her being paid maintenance doesn’t make her less of a lone parents though but it does make life easier for her and it will give her more options for childcare. But definitely still a lone parent!

A lone parent is someone who has sole day to day care of their child. What’s money got to do with it? What if she earned that money herself? Would that change anything?
I consider myself a lone parent even though my kids see their dad it’s still me doing 99.9 percent of everything.

You know exactly the same as me and yet are vociferously arguing the other side. Shall we both agree that, given the limited details, I am not at liberty to assume she must have seen some signs he was a prick before she bore his child and that you are not at liberty to assume he was the model partner until they broke up.

The clue is in the name - lone parent/single parent ... not parent with less money than another lone parent. YABVU

Same - my dc do go to their dads EOW now after several years of no contact. He still does absolutely noting apart from vaguely mind then in that time. He's never taken them to or arranged an appointment or done a school/activity run. If they have a party or event in his time I either have to go and pick them up for it and drop back off or swap weekends. He doesn't go to parents evenings or engage with school. Hasn't taken them to get school shoes It hasn't in any way changed my life or made it easier since they have been in contact.

I think you’re being given a bit of a hard time OP - I absolutely do think your friend still qualifies as a lone parent, lone parents come in all sorts of variations as do parents in general - but as someone also in your situation I know how it feels. Having no financial input from another parent does feel very much like another - massive - way in which you are very much on your own. It’s easy to dismiss that as not being physical/logistical but in fact it is, the lack of sharing the financial load has a huge impact in terms of you being the sole
provider as well as everything else (and therefore also doubly worried about having to take days off for illness, possible job loss etc). Unless you’re very well off, of course having just the one income makes things harder, including - crucially in terms of logistics - paying for childcare. So I get it, and I’m not sure that those who do share that load always do. For me it’s actually one of the more terrifying aspects of being a single parent.

That said, don’t blame your friend, as other posters have said it’s not a competition, but I’m betting that this isn’t really about that but more about how alone you feel.

what a fascinating contribution to the thread.

So to be a lone parent you have to have a shit ex who pays fuck all and you have to be miserable, skint and scraping by ??? YABU it’s shit that your ex pays nothing but it’s not her fault she has an ex that steps up to the mark and supports their child together!!

Of course she is a lone parent. So are you. She gets more money than you due to child maintenance. 2 things are not related!

I consider myself a lone parent. My ex chooses not to have a relationship with our son. He has paid a pittance in maintenance via CMS for the last decade and has only in the last year paid a reasonable amount because he's become employed. It has no bearing on the fact that I still carry the entire load of parenting my autistic child myself.

Ex pays maintenance and sees DC 4x a year… I’m still a lone parent

I'm on the other side of the argument because I'm dealing in the facts as we've been told them.

I'm not the one making assertions about single mums making bad judgements when we have no fucking clue about the situation other than the father is a deadbeat.

I'm not the one letting my prejudices get in the way or extolling misogyny. So yes I'll call out victim blaming where its bloody obvious.

Fine, then I will repeat, calling people victims to excuse their own poor judgement is pathetic.

And, for the record, the child is the victim here, not the mother.

Doubling down is just ignorance when you know absolutely nothing of the circumstances.

Place blame where you are aware of the poor behaviour not where you have no clue what the behaviour was.

It's laughable.

Do you want to give me the lottery numbers? It appears you know things that no one else does 😂