To wonder if this is even worth it anymore and I may as well give up and claim benefits

[Iopaaa]

I’m so fed up. I don’t know what to do. I don’t live a lavish lifestyle. I earn after tax 3,700 a month. My mortgage is 1,100, cheap for the area, nursery fees are 1,400, bills around 500 a month including council tax, but more when it’s winter and need heating. Running the car and buying food wipes out the rest. Not entitled to child benefit. Ex pays 575 a month which goes on wraparound care. What’s the point? For loads of stress at work? I know people think well that’s life and that’s what life costs but the hours I put in to my job and the stress and responsibility I have to bring in this amount only to run out of money every month just makes me want to give up, get a crappy job without stress. Has anyone actually done this? I honestly don’t see the point anymore.

I don't know why people are being so harsh. Working full-time as a single parent to a 16 month old in what sounds like a demanding job isn't easy for anyone. You sound burnt out and fed up.

OP you need to think practically. I would look into different childcare options to see if there are any way of doing it which makes it more affordable. At nearly £2k a month it's your biggest outgoing so the first thing you can try to change.

Also look for a new job or see if you can negotiate something like 1-2 days wfh?

I'd ask ex for more money too.

It's frustrating but in a couple of years the childcare will go and you will be so much better off! Similarly I'd look at if theres anything you can cut back on without too much hassle.

You're evidently going through a very rough time, and you sound like you need some serious time out, but I don't think you understand the reality of life on benefits (not the Daily Heil version, the real life one). There is no way you'll get anywhere near £4.2k on benefits.

You've vaguely mentioned what your income goes on in your first sentence, and if you post more details on here you will get some good advice.

Even with those figures you've posted, you should still have at least £700 left over. I appreciate a lot of that will probably go on food but what on earth are you eating/where are you shopping if it's £700 a month? What car are you driving, where are you getting fuel, and what's your insurance, to have nothing left?

You do know many, many people bring up families and more on far less than half what you have coming in, don't you? (In some cases, less than a quarter.) If you've never been poor, you might not understand how fortunate you are financially.

If you want some serious tough love, and suggestions on how to cut your (financial) cloth, the Debt Free Wannabee board on Money Saving Expert is excellent, if you feel up to actually posting an honest and accurate outline of where your money goes.

Bills at £500? Council tax alone would wipe a chunk of that. Then gas and electric. Water bill, tv licence, internet connection, phone. Car insurance and tax if applicable, car financing may be a factor. Never mind adding in a few extras like streaming or sky (and yes people are allowed to have nice things). And that’s just quickly from the top of my head. Think £500 is an understatement in this case….

It's what op said

Is it possible to downsize your house to reduce your mortgage payments? What about free childcare hours? Can you get a higher-paid job in your field?

Agree with previous posters that help with housing costs is pretty much non-existent for mortgage holders. Eligibility for benefits is also limited .... you have to show that you are actively job-hunting, so if you resign you may find yourself pressured/forced into taking a lower paid job.

It's a crazy situation, and I also found that despite a high salary my costs and tax liabilities (including £9k/year tax in advance on top of regular PAYE) were killers.

£20 would get me almost a quarter of a tank if I am lucky and even though I WFH most of the time, running the dc around, shopping, etc means it would last me a few days at most.

Op, I empathise with you. I earn less than you but my ex does given me more than he has to so probably not a dissimilar amount overall. My partner is moving in with us as costs are just spiralling so as much as I wanted to retain my independent woman status, I need to keep a roof over our heads, heat on our bodies and food in the cupboards. I think two decent salaries (or one very above average one) are needed now to run a home without struggling.

Yes you’re right though I’d still say it’s an underestimate if she looked at everything. I can’t see that the op has mentioned the car being £100 a month not including petrol though.

I can remember when my children were tiny and the money always ran out before the month did, and I wasn't a single parent. It DOES get easier though, as your baby grows older, and will you find you have a better work life balance in a few years. In the meantime, can you book some annual leave and just have a complete rest from work for a week or two?

To all the people who’s answer is always simply’you can’t be worried/in trouble/ in debt because you’re on a good wage’, it doesn’t really help anyone

Do you have a tax free childcare account? A child minder is around £5 an hour which is around £800 a month minus the 20% tax free makes if £640 less than half what you are paying now. Even 7-6pm everyday at a childminder would be less £900 a month after the 20% back giving you an extra £500 a month plus what the ex is giving you.

You're not thinking this through OP. What would you do about housing? Benefits wouldn't pay your mortgage so you'd have to sell up and rent something you can afford, which will depend on the local housing allowance. You may not ever get back on the housing ladder.

Do you have a spare room, OP? A couple of people have mentioned a lodger….. what about an au pair?

You could then reduce the amount of childcare you pay for as they would do some of the hours (not all) and hopefully the cost of their board plus the allowance you have to give them would be less than you save in childcare and give you a bit more cash spare. Obviously not worth doing if it doesn’t.

Or, I remember seeing a scheme once where people offered a room to a young person at a cheap rent, and the young person did a certain number of hours of housework. Say - a couple of hundred quid a month extra for you, with the cleaning and ironing done, giving you more time with your child and/or to do things you enjoy.

^ This 100 percent. Saying "what’s the point in all this exhaustion when I don’t see a penny of my earnings" when you have a mortgage for your own home (and no doubt some decent equity) a running car and are able to put food on the table without struggle is a lot more than some people. Some single parents don't get any help with child maintenance either. Your post reads very "woe is me".

Absolutely. I am a single mother of an autistic adult son and every three years we get the dreaded letter announcing his Capita assessment which means they give him 0 points and we have to appeal and it’s always reinstated. However it takes months and the DWP make me attend the job centre and apply for jobs I know I won’t be able to do because I can’t leave my son unattended for very long. I run a very small business which is fine for CA but if I lose it I don’t earn enough so pressure is applied for me to seek employment. In addition the many jobs I apply for are unsuccessful anyway because I am getting on a bit and nobody wants to employ me! I can’t do manual work because I have sacroiliac joint dysfunction. So no I don’t recommend living on benefits, the two of us live on less than half your income and the psychological distress the DWP cause is shocking. Whenever a brown envelope comes through the letterbox I tremble, literally. And we only just scrape by, if it wasn’t for the cost of living payments we would be in a lot of debt by now.

I think the issue is that you're tired doing it all and it feels relentless. It doesnt feel it now, but very soon you will start to come out the other side of it all.

While I believe in the benefits system for those who need it you clearly don’t. So suck it up! Poor you, having to work hard to live?
what do you think the rest of us are doing?
And why in god’s name do you think you should live off benefits that we pay for because you can’t be arsed?

Grown up and get a grip. How much do you think people on benefits get??

This saying the mortgage wouldn't get paid are wrong. If she lost her job she could be entitled to SMI

Plus the op wouldn't have any childcare or wrap around to pay, and she'd get various other benefits.

I agree with others that a job needs to be seen as long term, you'll still have it when your dc goes to secondary and will be better off all round and be financially stable further down the line with pensions etc. but I can see where she's coming from. A single parent who works isn't an easy life with bags of money around. People have different challenges and it's hugely stressful.

Had you looked into a childminder with more flexibility? That's an awfully huge amount on nursery PLUS wraparound care. Do you have a possibility to drop 2 days a week and earn less but pay far less childcare? It's the childcare that's killing your income and worth looking around if there are any work arounds.

It's the OP's reference to benefits that have gotten people's backs up.
Life has always been hard with young children, let alone as a single parent. Nursery costs are killer.

But it gets better, and in a few years OP will have more than a grand free. Most people don't have that luxury...

I understand you're stressed but I think 'giving up and applying for benefits' (as if it's even that easy) would give you an enormous reality shock.

All jobs have stress and there is a he'll of a lot of stress associated with not having much money (e.g. trying to live off benefits).

You earn a good wage, own a house and are coming from a position of enormous privilege.

Are there things you could do to cut down on outgoings?

Do you REALLY need a car, or are you just used to the convenience?

Could you talk to your bank about extending the length of your mortgage for a few years to reduce monthly repayments?

It will only be for a few years that you'll need to pay such high childcare costs.

It's a long game, life, and apart from the fact that there's no way benefits will be enough to pay your mortgage (I mean why should taxpayers do that?) can you think about the long-term: promotion, your pension, more training to lead to further promotion?

But it is proof that single parents, usually women, shoulder most of the burden of the costs of raising jointly-conceived children. And you get more per month than most women with DC. There really needs to be a better understanding of that - your DC's father should be paying half the total of all childcare costs.

Hey OP, sorry you’re struggling, life can feel very relentless and joyless esp I’m the current climate.

Just wondering about the nursery fees. That is astronomical, especially if you then have wraparound care on top? Is that full-time, Mon to Fri? How many children is that for and what are their ages? Is it a private nursery or state-funded?

So after petrol you have 620 for food wow you must eat a lot of there's only you and baby most families of 4 could live on that .....what's your food waste...I'm guessing baby only eats a tiny bit of what you cook ...so essentially you spend all that on you less nappies

Also are you paying through the tax free childcare scheme?

Wow! £700 left after you paid everything, bloody hell! I’m in overdraft every single month… some people!