To wonder if this is even worth it anymore and I may as well give up and claim benefits

[Iopaaa]

I’m so fed up. I don’t know what to do. I don’t live a lavish lifestyle. I earn after tax 3,700 a month. My mortgage is 1,100, cheap for the area, nursery fees are 1,400, bills around 500 a month including council tax, but more when it’s winter and need heating. Running the car and buying food wipes out the rest. Not entitled to child benefit. Ex pays 575 a month which goes on wraparound care. What’s the point? For loads of stress at work? I know people think well that’s life and that’s what life costs but the hours I put in to my job and the stress and responsibility I have to bring in this amount only to run out of money every month just makes me want to give up, get a crappy job without stress. Has anyone actually done this? I honestly don’t see the point anymore.

OP, you will eventually get some free nursery hours (I think it’s still age 3 unless you’re low income?). So it’s worth sticking it out until then.

Can you use the tax free childcare scheme?

Are you entitled to claim CB? I think you’re below the earnings threshold but im not 100% sure.

I know say your ex won’t pay more but surely if you ask for an increase because you’re on the bones of your arse he’d have to consider it (assuming he’s a reasonable person).

Do you have family who could have the DC one day a week? We had to do this and even then I was working for free for years because my whole salary (and more) STILL went on nursery fees.

I do get how soul destroying it is to essentially be working for free. But you wouldn’t get even enough to cover your mortgage in benefits so you would be significantly worse off as you are actually earning well!

I don't know why everyone has become so fixated on benefits - not once did OP say she was going to quit and not work.

I think it's absolutely normal to feel like you're stuck on a relentless treadmill of shite when you're looking after small children alone and trying to juggle everything else at the same time.

OP: Hang in there. It will and does get better as your children get older. Don't sacrifice your skills and seniority at this point as you'll be cutting off your nose to spite your face in the long run; explore dropping some hours, flex working etc with your line manager, use an online salary calculator to work out whether a 4 day week will have a massive impact etc when you take into account tax, reduced childcare costs etc. I'd echo what others were saying about tracking exactly what you spend for a month, you might be suprised.

Have you got a network you can rely on to help with the kids? Even just for an overnight so you can have a breather? Or take a day or two's leave just for you? I think a bit of space to sleep, regroup, have some quiet time might do you the world of good.

Hang in there.

If you leave what is a good job, you will struggle to get back into it in most scenarios.

This is a temporary issue due to nursery costs mainly which will reduce. Dont make it a long term issue!

Many lower paid jobs are very stressful and less flexible than higher paid ones.

Nursery fees seem to be the killer for lots of working parents. That will come to an end though and by that time your salary should have increased so you’ll have spare money.
In the meantime you have to look after yourself, get dc dad to look after him for a few days so you can relax, visit friends, do something for you.
Im retired now, struggled as a single parent for years, then married a man who drank my bank account dry so I understand how you feel about working but seeing nothing for it but you do eventually. I found working f/t + ( I did two jobs) and juggling kids really hard for a few years but it paid off.
Rent won’t be less than your mortgage , is more tenuous which can cause stress. Hang onto your house. Give yourself 6 months then rethink your job.

Why are you spending £20 a week on petrol? Where are you going? How big is your car. £20 of petrol would give me nearly half a tank.

Fuck me. Can you really not comprehend how someone might need to use well over £20 a week on fuel? Do you think she's just going for long, pointless drives?

I use well over £20 on fuel just to drive to work. That's before I have to drive all over the place for meetings, costing a fortune on fuel which I can't even claim back until the next month.

Ah, I didn't read the thread title 😂 Still, I'm fairly certain that's not what OP meant really.

@blackbeardsballsack thanks for addressing this one for me. I couldn’t be arsed. Made me laugh about long pointless drives… if only!

I feel for you, but you'll get little sympathy thinking you'll be better off, either financially or mentally, on benefits.

You have a fantastic salary and money coming in from ex too, so you have nearly £4300 coming in per month, or the equivalent of about a £75k salary.

Practically, childcare is only a short term issue, although it doesn't feel like it. Can you drop capital mortgage payments in the short term and go interest only, likewise can you take a pension contribution holiday, with the view of making these up when money is less tight?

Can you move to a cheaper area? Moving around 10 miles near us can make a massive difference to property prices.

Your current listed outgoings come to around £3k, so you have around £1300 left for the month, which is more than many households have for their entire existence. Perhaps some budgeting advice might be useful, if there's only the two of you and you're struggling on that?

Poor people are always being told to live within their means

£3400 is a very good amount of money each month and you should sell and live somewhere you can afford if you’re struggling.

I have to work part time hours for health reasons and not receive any additional help because it’s not deemed i need it. You know how much I earn OP? £150 a week. Sick of seeing people on this website cry about not being able to live on thousands of pounds when us at the bottom of the scale manage on a fraction of that every month.

@Iopaaa someone else has asked but I can’t see it answered - do you get uc top ups towards nursery? Have you looked at your entitlement based on your circumstances?

Life on benefits is shit. The only reason I can survive is because I’m a carer to 2 disabled children and that is not a compromise I’d wish on anyone. I’d rather have less and be able to work, the judgement from society is hellish enough as it is never mind counting the pennies.

As for £20+ a week on petrol, that seems quite normal. I use about £15 a week and most of my driving is within a 3 mile radius every day (so about 6 miles a day). Most people obviously commute far more.

Ok, so you have a 16mo. So lresumabky have not been back in work long, have the most expensive childcare (under 2's cost a fortune!!!) And have to juggle a toddler on your own in the evenings/weekend's

Of course you're feeling run down. You will feel fed up right now. But it's going to get a lot easier over time, and parenting is a long game.

Your childcare will get significantly cheaper. The free hours makes a bit difference, as does the reduced staffing ratio as they get older. By the time they are 3 it is really MUCH more manageable. Obviously once they are school age it is only wrap-around to pay for, and if you find a good childminder that can work very nicely, or many schools have breakfast/tea club.

You will also find your time with your child becomes easier. I've got my feet up while my little ones snooze for a few hours and my eldest is playing a board game. Life is VERY much easier than when I had a 16 month old.

You probably could cut some costs somewhere, but you're too tired and run down to see how to do it. But even I you don't and you aren't building up any savings, you will be in a year's time. You're also making pension/NI contributions and are pay on off your motgage. Even if you feel like you are standing still, you ARE making progress.

Issue is your childcare. How are you spending £1400 on nursery AND £575 on wraparound care? My school wraparound is nowhere near that? When does your child leave nursery?

These are almost exactly what my finances will be when I go back to work 😩

I'm going back to work 0.7 but compressed into 3 days to save on nursery fees. My ex has also managed to get compressed hours to take baby for one day, so I'll only have to pay two days (still expensive) at nursery

Have you looked at working flexibly to bring down the childcare? For instance I wfh twice a week and pick up from school on those days. Does you ex do any childcare? Any family or friends you could do swaps with?

I wouldn’t leave your child. You child will be in school before you know it and life will be easier. Then you’ll have no career and a shit job

You also won't get any benefits if you have 16k+ in savings

I’m sure I’ve read this post before?

How about some of the following thoughts:

• Getting more child maintenance from ex assuming he isn't paying the max that he should
• Reducing work hours - can you constrain the hours you put into the current job? Would part time prove to be cost effective if it reduced childcare costs? Can you work flexibly from home to reduce wrap around care / petrol / commute time?
• Would a new job allow more flexibility, better work-life balance?
• Would a new location / new job mean a better work-life balance / reduced expenses?

I feel your pain in that I am a single mum with a very senior role. Work is all-consuming and it means sometimes I feel like all I do is work and try and hold down the minimum standard at home. I am always behind with life admin, kid related tasks etc.. Medical appointments for DD cause me to end up so behind with work etc.. Giving up work however is not really an option as it's not possible to cover my outgoings on benefits (nor would I really want to if I am honest!)

It's plenty, and many have much less. Reality checkpoint matey.

I get that life on benefits is no party. But OP and any other single full time working parent is doing everything you list there as well as a full time job.

@Whatiswrongwithm I am also on near enough MW full time but I don't think people like the OP are unfair to want to moan about struggling. Everything is relative isn't it? People in a third world country earn much less than me, does that mean I don't have the right to moan.
Roughly, going out to work is more expensive than staying home once petrol, childcare, office clothes, food come into it. I spend quite a bit more per week compared to my SAHM friends.

Since when can you give up work and go on benefits? They don't work like that. They won't pay you if you just quit your job for no reason.

So income plus maintenance = £4275

Mortgage £1100
Nursery £1400
Bills £500

Car ? £100/mth ?
Petrol ? £160/mth ?
Food ? £400/mth ?
Wraparound ? £400/mth ?

Total £3660
Leaves £215

If you're struggling on that, you'd have a shock on benefits.

I'm not sure I understand the bit about nursery fees PLUS wraparound care. Can you not put your DC in a nursery that has long opening hours? Our nursery is open from 7.30am to 6.30pm and we can drop off/pick up anytime between those hours. Nursery fees are similar to yours and include all meals. I assume you need wraparound because your nursery's hours are much shorter? If so I think you are being ripped off...

Absolutely YABU, that income is very high compared to 90% of people.

Jack that in for a few hundred on benefits, kids grows up, gravy train stops. Pissed an excellent job up the wall and left with a huge employment gap and nothing to show for it.

Of course the job is hard they wouldn’t pay that wage for data entry.