To wonder if this is even worth it anymore and I may as well give up and claim benefits

[Iopaaa]

I’m so fed up. I don’t know what to do. I don’t live a lavish lifestyle. I earn after tax 3,700 a month. My mortgage is 1,100, cheap for the area, nursery fees are 1,400, bills around 500 a month including council tax, but more when it’s winter and need heating. Running the car and buying food wipes out the rest. Not entitled to child benefit. Ex pays 575 a month which goes on wraparound care. What’s the point? For loads of stress at work? I know people think well that’s life and that’s what life costs but the hours I put in to my job and the stress and responsibility I have to bring in this amount only to run out of money every month just makes me want to give up, get a crappy job without stress. Has anyone actually done this? I honestly don’t see the point anymore.

£160 per week is more than you would get in benefits but yes if you didn't work you would have a lot more time and less stress.

Reframe the childcare costs as an investment in your future. Can you extend the term on your mortgage so you are paying less for now?

Also are you making use of any tax efficient opportunities - childcare scheme, health cash plan if your work do it?

Reduce pension contributions?

Could you rent a room out to a lodger even if it means you share with your DC?

Have you really really looked at your expenditure to see what you can change to free up more money to splash on what you want to?

It is difficult to have little money after essentials.

Before school age childacre costs are relentless. I just kept eyes on the prize that I will have a pension and decent job once kids were up a bit.
Could you go interest only on mortgage for nursery years?

Fair enough.

How about a lodger? Preferably someone you know (family friend or something) and will help take the sting out of it.

But perhaps another job would help alleviate the stress.

Op for a month, you need to write down literally every single penny you spend - and I mean every penny!

Once you work out what you are spending on, you need to look at what you can cut back on. You might need to make a few adjustments on what you are buying, ie food brands, change to a cheaper supermarket, car costs - can you cut down on how much you are using it or even switch to a cheaper car, can you cut down on takeaway coffees, etc etc etc.

I am a person who was brought up by a single mum on benefits. My father wasn't on the scene, and whilst I had a good childhood, there wasn't ANY spare cash for fun stuff (days out, parties, hobbies) and all my clothes were hand me downs or xmas/birthday presents. There were very, very, very few holidays - I think we went to Butlins maybe 4 times!

Please try to avoid the benefit route if at all possible.

I totally get where you're coming from.

It's hard to be a single parent run ragged and have no time to enjoy your child and the responsibility of EVERYTHING with seemingly none of the pleasure.

Think long term, OP. And see if you can drop a day at work. You'd probably then qualify for CB, reduced nursery fees and so on, and would gain time in the short term.

Enjoy your home? The home you lose because benefits won't pay your mortgage.

And you certainly will be degrading your health trying to survive poverty on benefits.

My best friend earned a similar amount to you OP, with two children. She dramatically reduced her working hours (2 days a week spread over the week) and she gets working tax credits, child benefit and DLA for one child. Oh, and carers allowance. She also gets maintenance from her ex husband.

It’s temporary while she supports her child through primary school. But she doesn’t take home much less. (Working tax credits alone is £1200 per month - I helped her work her budget out and was amazed how much it is!)

So maybe £100 pcm on fuel. You can't manage on £600 for food for one adult and a toddler? That's about what I spend for five of us, which includes two adults and two gannet teens.

I'm sorry you're struggling but as I said before, this is short term pain for long term gain.

How is the OP going to enjoy her home if she can't pay the mortgage, keep up with repairs, etc if she is on benefits? We had to claim for a short while ages ago, and quite frankly it was hell. At least by working we stood a chance to improve our lives, it was tough in the early years, but it did improve as per my earlier post.

You earn £44600 NET. Get your head out of your arse and start reviewing your expenses properly.

Mortgage and childcare is £2600 + 500 bills = 3,100. You have £300 a month to cover food and bills which is loads.

Does your ex have DC overnight at all?

If he has then during the week he should be paying for childcare on those days.

@Iopaaa go on entitled to and check what you would get in benefit I think seeing just what you would get and what it would cover would be eye opening. Add up your costs which would still exist and see if benefits would cover them and how much it would leave you for food. I think seeing it in black and white might help you get things into more perspective

Why are you spending £20 a week on petrol? Where are you going? How big is your car. £20 of petrol would give me nearly half a tank. So clearly if you need to downsize your car or start walking/ using a bike more. I spend £200 a month on food and clothes for the two of us + toddler - lots of cooking from scratch, using food I have at home first before buying new, second hand or sale clothing.

I stand by what I wrote.

You are delusional if you can't manage on your income (plus what you get from your partner)

You are wasting money somewhere!

I think you're missing the point.

No it shouldn't be this expensive to live. But OP has a child in a single person family - things are always tight at this age, more so when there's only one of you.

It would be foolish IMO to quit. If it takes her out of her position too much to do part time, then there's not a hope in hell of her going back at the same level in 2, 3 whatever years time, is there?

If you think being on benefits is stress free then you are deluded. I never knew the terror a brown envelope could inspire before I had to start claiming.

My disability reassessments have caused three complete mental breakdowns so far over the last 15 years. I think I'm due one in the next year or so and I've already started getting panic attacks over it. I don't even claim for mental health issues - my disabilities are physical and I was in perfect mental health before claiming.

That's before the toll that's taken by spending every single day staring at the same 4 walls because you never have money to go anywhere. Unlike the OP who does have light at the end of the tunnel when her children start school; this is forever for me.

I have sympathy for the OP and her struggles but the idea that my life is better is ridiculous.

£20 would have given me 1/3 of a tank in my Ford Fiesta, what are you driving, a lawnmower?!

(Not that I disagree. A full tank costs me £80 but lasts me a month because I'm not driving far. I could half that if I could be arsed walking!)

@DoAWheelie sorry for your circumstances. I absolutely do not think our situations are comparable and I hope that my OP didn’t give that impression.

Is it just you and a 16 month old?

Hi OP, wow, you have your hands full, and it sounds like you’re juggling a heck of a lot of responsibility by yourself! Instead of jacking it all in, could you maybe step down, or go part time, or find a new job. Your salary is super, and you deserve to enjoy your life.

For example, teaching would mean you don’t need childcare 13 weeks of the year (or more, if private sector). Maybe take a lodger to help with mortgage costs and allow you to earn less/live more. Or, maybe an au-pair would be a cheaper childcare option, so you can spend your cash on more exciting things than gas.

Good luck to you, you’re an incredible lady to be doing so much, it’s a difficult few years - when LO isn’t yet in school. Hang in there!

I feel for you. I have to apply for disabled dc and its horrific.

People like the OP have no clue how fortunate they are.

It does sound like something has to give if you're running yourself into the ground, but quitting work and going on benefits isn't all milk and honey and you certainly won't have the money left after bills that you have now. If you're earning a very decent wage this suggests you have some sought after skills? I'd figure out if there was another way to utilise these, a way to get more of a balance ie going part time and counting every penny of expenditure for a few months to see the lowest baseline you could work with. It's shit for everyone except a select few I think at the moment, remember as well by working now you're adding to a pension and carrying on with building experience to progress.

I think cash in hand for one adult and one dc is about £150......good luck paying all bills, activities and food out of that.

YABU for watching too many channel 5 documentaries and falling for the lie that people on benefits are living some cushy lifestyle.

This sounds more like a job issue than anything else. It seems to be spilling outside of its boundaries? And it’s causing the sense of overwhelm and the what’s the point line of questioning.

Take a breath. Talk to your manager. Your workplace has a duty of care towards you. Are you in a union? Consult them. Your manager would ideally hear your concerns, complete a stress risk assessment and support you in keeping your job manageable. If that’s simply not possible you should talk to your GP about your mood and possible burn-out. You’d probably get signed off sick for 2-4 weeks in the first instance which would give you chance to rest and take stock. Then your work should have you assessed by Occupational Health and there should be a plan in place to help you get back into the swing of things.

PPs are right…it won’t always be this hard financially as the children get older. Hold that thought in your head all the time.

practically, have you got a spare room or could you put the kids together to create one? My single mum friends with tough jobs used au pairs (ok, so they live in your house like a family member and you feed them, cover their expenses for food and bills and give them ‘pocket money’ and in return they do childcare 20 hours I think, so they could do the wrap around - there are rules - and agencies you could check out)

I feel for you OP. It’s a grind right now. I hope you can get the chance to step back and get some perspective back and feel better soon