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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I too selfish wanting to restart my entire life and forget about the family I made and have?

325 replies

Justhereandthere · 10/07/2023 22:00

I'm in a tricky relationship with my husband of 14 years. (Got married at 17 and wasn't by choice). We have 3 children (10m 5f(twins) )

Things aren't looking good and we just can't get along. I cant break up with him I won't cope alone with the twins. For now he helps clean the house he takes the children to school while I work as a teacher.

Iv been really down and depressed and there really isn't a way out ( I have thought of all the possibilities) I'm now tempted to leave my husband and children and start fresh. Move out of London start a new job and restart my life. I know its selfish but I can't live like this. I know it makes me a horrible mum but I have been happy for years. I just want to be free. Am I a monster? And has anyone ever actually left and started their life again?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
oakleaffy · 11/07/2023 02:01

I know two people who were abandoned by their mothers as children {Different families}
It absolutely ruined their lives fundamentally- Trust issues, terrible fear of abandonment in later life~ Please don't leave them- seek help from a GP- sounds like depression.

marshmallowfinder · 11/07/2023 02:02

Anon891 · 10/07/2023 22:16

I wouldnt be if she just discussed separating from her husband,but to think to abandon own children one who is just 10months old- you call me an arse? If she is unhappy there are councellors,psychologists,psychatrists etc who can offer either therapies or medicines- she hasnt seeked any of them out.

I took the 10m to be 10 years and male. Not months.

oakleaffy · 11/07/2023 02:13

@Justhereandthere Sorry, I hadn't read all your posts-
I'm sorry you are trapped with this horrible raping man who hit you-
And sorry about your being forced into a marriage while really still a child yourself.

There used to be a sweet girl who worked in her family shop- she once said to me ''The trouble with Western girls is that they aren't beaten enough''...As someone who did get thrashed by a family member, I was appalled-

This girl was whisked off to Pakistan to get married- she wanted two study.
Desperately sad.
If there is some way for you to be a single parent, that would be the best way.

Best of luck.

JoyApple · 11/07/2023 02:13

From what you've described, he is a terrible husband but a good father.

Is there any way you can amicably divorce and have 50/50 custody? Your children are going to resent you if you are the cause of them not being able to see their dad at all. From what you've said they are close to him and love him.

My DH was utterly shitty but I know my children would not forgive me if I blocked access to him. There should be a way out where your needs are met but so are your children's needs met. There aren't just two options - it's not so black and white. There are other options.

Do you have a sibling or someone in your extended family or commnity perhaps that you could speak to and get help and support from?

oakleaffy · 11/07/2023 02:14

Edit 'To study' not two study {predictive}

AllOfThemWitches · 11/07/2023 02:15

From what you've described, he is a terrible husband but a good father.

Are you OK? Just asking because OP said he would choose not to see his children to spite OP, yet you're calling him a good father.

Basically, no one really wants these poor kids.

changeme4this · 11/07/2023 05:08

To answer your first post, yes I know someone who did that and moved to another country 3 hours flying time away. Her marriage wasn't a cultural one, but the guy was a deadloss.

She left DC with him and I believe he raised them for some time although they spent school holidays with extended family. I don't know about any access details or visits or how long this period lasted for...

She is now in her 70's, the x long departed, and she lives in the country she moved from.

Certain things have occurred in the family while the X was alive which has divided the now adult children and they no long speak. She blames herself for this, for not being there to stop the X undertaking the things he did that put circumstances in place today that divides the adult children and its gone as far as Court hearings.

She has so much regret, not at leaving the DH, but for leaving the DC with him.

GarlicGrace · 11/07/2023 05:17

I'm almost as horrified by the blind ignorance of posters on this thread as by the literally criminal negligence of your teachers, doctors and psychologists, @Justhereandthere. You've been grossly betrayed by your own family & friends, everyone you should've been able to turn to and, of course, the male supremacist pig you were trafficked to. I'm chorusing with others that what you've achieved so far, alone, is incredible. You are, in fact, amazing!

I wish I knew the ins & outs of our ever-changing immigration policies, as it's pivotal to your course of action. I'll begin by urging you not to sign the visa. This will make him very angry, yes? So you've got a maximum of 6 weeks before the next bucket of manure hits the fan.

Divorce is an obvious next step - it's just that you have some extra complications. You can do this.

I do know parents can apply for copies of their children's passports - and that there's something you can do to prevent this. It is advisable to hide their current passports and ID documents, somewhere out of your home. Then please, please get advice from both Women's Aid and networks like the Sharan Project. It's also worth contacting Rights Of Women, a feminist legal practice.

I wouldn't judge you for leaving your children. Your posts, however, don't read as those of a mother with no inclination to mother her children. If there's the slightest chance of your spending the next few decades in agonised regret, it makes sense to figure out how to get rid of the husband while keeping your kids, your career, your savings and your home.

Don't give up. Gather up the young woman who stoically weathered years of rape and violence, who nevertheless worked out how to make her life successful, who teaches today's children to be strong & powerful - gather her up, recognise her magnificence, and guide her into the next stage of the life she always deserved.

You have the spirit. Go well, strong and wisely.

Aquestioningmind · 11/07/2023 06:02

Justhereandthere · 10/07/2023 23:44

Me not signing is not because I don't want him to remain in the country. He will find his own way, he has been here since he was 17 and he is now 42 and he has 3 children. He will one way or another remain here but punish me by not seeing them because he knows I'd find it difficult.

I do and would reach out to these companies but I guess iv lost faith in the system. After I had my son I had PND. My doctors (more than 1) knew he was forcing me for sex and they were the ones who knew my parents were forcing me to get married (before I got married I reached out). Even then they didn't give 2 hoots about me stuck in a forced marriage.

In 2018-2020 I had post natal psychosis. I had intense therapy, medicine, home treatment treat and even then they all knew I was in a forced marriage and he used to rape me ( which did stop after 3 years of being married). And even then they didn't care about the marriage they just wanted to fix my mind.

Bottom line is, these people in authority make out they "care" etc but not really. That in itself was my real motivation to be a teacher so I don't let children down. But on the contrary, my life has become so tough and hard I'm almost willing yo let my own down.

Gently, OP, it’s not their job to sort out the your marriage - only the issues resulting from it. A MH professional or a GP is there to provide medical advice. They can refer, when requested, to other groups (I.e police) but to interfere otherwise is a massive overstep.

I suggest talking to the organisations PP have listed above.

Hotsaucehot · 11/07/2023 06:04

RegimentalSturgeon · 11/07/2023 00:15

Don’t know where this came from, OP, but I have just seen a very clear image of a young man - 18 or 19ish - rounding a corner with a pillar box by a hedge and saying to the young woman with him “Come and meet my mum: she’s amazing!”

You clearly are pretty amazing, to have achieved what you have after having been so badly betrayed. I hope you win through to a future on your terms, with your children protected by, learning from, and taking great pride in your strength and courage, and that you will know yourself truly loved. I think this will happen.

Flowers

What a lovely post @RegimentalSturgeon

londonrach · 11/07/2023 06:09

Please speak to. Gp. Sounds like you exhausted. It's hard being mum and having full time job especially with twins.

Re leaving children..my friend mum did that. Her dad stepped up and was great. She still refuses to see her mum who been begging to see her for 20 years now. The pain is too deep. Her mum left for 10 years no contact and through late childhood to her teens. I'm not sure why a father up aNd leave and it's seen as better than mum up and leave..

Hotsaucehot · 11/07/2023 06:13

GarlicGrace · 11/07/2023 05:17

I'm almost as horrified by the blind ignorance of posters on this thread as by the literally criminal negligence of your teachers, doctors and psychologists, @Justhereandthere. You've been grossly betrayed by your own family & friends, everyone you should've been able to turn to and, of course, the male supremacist pig you were trafficked to. I'm chorusing with others that what you've achieved so far, alone, is incredible. You are, in fact, amazing!

I wish I knew the ins & outs of our ever-changing immigration policies, as it's pivotal to your course of action. I'll begin by urging you not to sign the visa. This will make him very angry, yes? So you've got a maximum of 6 weeks before the next bucket of manure hits the fan.

Divorce is an obvious next step - it's just that you have some extra complications. You can do this.

I do know parents can apply for copies of their children's passports - and that there's something you can do to prevent this. It is advisable to hide their current passports and ID documents, somewhere out of your home. Then please, please get advice from both Women's Aid and networks like the Sharan Project. It's also worth contacting Rights Of Women, a feminist legal practice.

I wouldn't judge you for leaving your children. Your posts, however, don't read as those of a mother with no inclination to mother her children. If there's the slightest chance of your spending the next few decades in agonised regret, it makes sense to figure out how to get rid of the husband while keeping your kids, your career, your savings and your home.

Don't give up. Gather up the young woman who stoically weathered years of rape and violence, who nevertheless worked out how to make her life successful, who teaches today's children to be strong & powerful - gather her up, recognise her magnificence, and guide her into the next stage of the life she always deserved.

You have the spirit. Go well, strong and wisely.

😢 such a moving post.

I hope you can feel all this support OP (from strangers on the internet but real nonetheless!). Things will get better.

heartsinvisiblefury · 11/07/2023 06:18

MontagueLeo · 10/07/2023 22:20

Heavy judgement of the OP on this thread for daring to consider something that men do all the time

Well said!!!!

NotQuiteUsual · 11/07/2023 06:48

I've felt similarly in the past. In the end we all moved to the opposite end of the country and started fresh as a family. It did bring us all much closer together, but I don't think it's a magic solution. What is is specifically that makes you unhappy and how can you tackle those issues one by one? Otherwise they'll follow you even if you leave.

Tresto · 11/07/2023 06:49

I hope you are okay op. Please contact some of the helplines.

So many men just up and leave, I am sure women feel the same but have been conditioned to put up and shut up.

Too many professional courses are just form filling exercises. I am sorry the professionals didn’t help you but I am not surprised.

So if you left today what would you do next? Where would you go? Have you thought further than I need to leave? Because leaving will solve some issues but it won’t necessarily solve all of them (and it will create more).

At the moment you have good and stable accommodation for example. Your kids have you a strong and capable person who loves them.

Personally I’d report him for rape and hope he is deported. I wouldn’t leave my children with him for fear they would be married off to a similar piece of shit who is after a visa.

Justhereandthere · 11/07/2023 06:55

Thank you everyone for the responses. I will call some of those support line listed and see if they can help. I did consider it before as I wanted my marriage annulled and prove it was a forced marriage via my medical notes but when I spoke to a solicitor they said it was unlikely I'd win etc.

I will also look into immigration law and see what the actual state of his visa is looking like.

Yes he did hit me a few times, yes he did rape me but he hasn't done anything like that in he last 8 years. He is a good dad but just a horrid husband. He pays for the bills and food and let's me save my money. He isn't all bad but it's come to a point where if I sign for him I'll be stuck for the next 9 years and I don't want that.

OP posts:
vimtolove · 11/07/2023 06:58

Do not leave your children. Please. It was done to me. You have no idea the lifetime of damage you will cause. Please seek some help from your GP. Xx

Clementineorsatsuma · 11/07/2023 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Harsh.
The OP needs support rather than criticism.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 11/07/2023 07:02

Wanting to do it and actually doing it are two different things. Maybe it's time for an honest conversation with your husband, counselling as a couple and counselling for you on your own? Divorce is hard, but abandonment is reprehensible.

Clementineorsatsuma · 11/07/2023 07:02

MontagueLeo · 10/07/2023 22:20

Heavy judgement of the OP on this thread for daring to consider something that men do all the time

Very good point.

BeardyButton · 11/07/2023 07:04

This thread is all sorts of wrong and makes me so angry.

OP - you are traumatised and suffering PTSD. You have lived through hell. The people around you have let you down. Society has let you down. Somehow - god only knows how - you dug deep, educated yourself and provided an escape hatch for yourself. USE it!!!!

Now for the hard part…. The trauma has likely exhausted you. The family is a site of trauma for you. Your work is a coping mechanism. The question is - do you pack your kids into the escape hatch or not?!

My two cents - if you take them… it need not be so traumatising to have them. The ‘not cope’ feeling is because the dynamic of your home is traumatic. It need not stay that way. You are incredibly resourceful. On your own, you can change this. And on your own, I truly believe you will have the energy to do so.

if you leave them - they may go on in this traumatic environment. He is NOT a good father. He raped and hit you. The sort of entitlement to your body will have corresponding entitlements to your children (he should control their choices, their husbands, etc). Your children will become part of this cycle. Perhaps it’s already starting.

From a stranger over the internet- I don’t know if I’d be as strong as you in this situation. I am SO deeply impressed by you. I believe you can get out of this situation and make a happy life. And I truly wish you well.

Farmy · 11/07/2023 07:07

OP I’m sorry the system has let you down so far. You have overcome so much.

Take the kids and build a new life. Look at what you’ve coped with so far. Your abusives marriage is what is making you think you can’t cope. Get out. It won’t be easy but you have all the right ingredients to break out of this and thrive.

Whatwaste · 11/07/2023 07:08

My DM did this, she left myself and two siblings when I was 8, she moved out, divorced her husband (my father) and started a new life, setting up her own business etc.

Weal · 11/07/2023 07:08

I don’t think you should leave the children.
of course your children got upset at talk of their dad leaving…they would have at talk of you leaving. Doesn’t mean it is right to stay in the relationship, it just means children attach to their parents no matter the situation. They’re children, they don’t fully understand the situation.

personally I think you shouldn’t sign his visa and should tel him you want to separate. If you can do that safely. If he then chooses not to see the children, despite being the main carer for them then that is his choice. You can only account for your choice and not his.

or if you can’t do that leave and get a flat near by and get contact with the children. But don’t just move away and not see them. I’m sure you’d regret that.

I know it must be scary to think of being a single parent…but you have never tried parenting without being in an abusive relationship. So at the moment it’s an unknown. I think you’d cope much better than you realise. Sounds like you would have some financial security with your savings and ok wage.

VestaTilley · 11/07/2023 07:11

I’m saying this gently - you need to get to the doctor. Most women at this stage go through moments of wanting to leave, but you cannot do this to your children.

You're almost certainly suffering with PND. I know I was.

If you’re unhappy in your marriage that needs tackling: in time- when you’re better - address it with therapy or ultimately splitting. But you need joint custody of your children.

Parents who walk away ruin their children's lives. Do not do this.

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