Am I too selfish wanting to restart my entire life and forget about the family I made and have?

[Justhereandthere]

I'm in a tricky relationship with my husband of 14 years. (Got married at 17 and wasn't by choice). We have 3 children (10m 5f(twins) )

Things aren't looking good and we just can't get along. I cant break up with him I won't cope alone with the twins. For now he helps clean the house he takes the children to school while I work as a teacher.

Iv been really down and depressed and there really isn't a way out ( I have thought of all the possibilities) I'm now tempted to leave my husband and children and start fresh. Move out of London start a new job and restart my life. I know its selfish but I can't live like this. I know it makes me a horrible mum but I have been happy for years. I just want to be free. Am I a monster? And has anyone ever actually left and started their life again?

OP read back through what you have achieved, while bringing up three DC and living with a man who repeatedly raped you. You absolutely can cope with the DC on your own. In fact I would imagine the end of your marriage would help improve your mental health. There is a lot more support and understanding of the effects of force marriage out there now. I hope you are able to access some of it and get out of this marriage with your DC.

I judge men who do it too.

My original thoughts have done a complete u turn after reading your posts and imagining living your life through your eyes.

Sign for him.
Remove yourself.
Heal. Return to safeguard your kids when you are better.
You may have PTSD.

You are strong and resilient it is now the time you feel able and strong enough to stop your enslavement.

Don't assume he won't get the money you've saved. You are married.

He can use that against you.

I agree that once you are free of him and all the trauma that surrounds the whole situation, then you’ll be strong enough to cope with the children.

or do you think that because of the trauma, you’ve struggled to bond properly with the children? It would be understandable if that was the case.

Can you try emdr therapy which is specifically for trauma. It might clarify things for you.

You sound absolutely incredible. Resolute and strong.

No wonder you want to leave it all behind - you never consented to any of it I wouldn't want you to leave your children with someone who raped and battered their wife.

Those children deserve better. You deserved better.

In your shoes - I would not sign for his visa. I would ask him to leave. I'd use my savings to get a part time nanny. I'd consider signing off work in September until Christmas.

In Jan 2024 I'd pay for some trauma therapy and do what you can to keep up a babysitter or something so you can have a bit of space to process it. Even an au pair may be useful.

My guess is now that your psychosis/PND is ebbing away, and you are watching your daughters flourish - you are entering a new phase of your life. You have a new perspective and you're trying to reconcile your situation with the boundaries that you want, but can't make.

I suspect you've every resource to get through it - but you've got to decide to do it.

That is awful. Your poor friend

I’m so sorry OP that you’ve been raped, forced to marry and that your abuser still lives in your own home.

i think you want to run away because you’re suffering from ptsd or trauma. I think you need this man out of your life and you need to regain some control. Then you won’t want to run away.

If I were you, I’d speak to a solicitor. You’d need someone dealing with family, criminal and immigration. It might also be good to have someone who knows about forced marriage and domestic violence. I’d tell her what you’ve said on here. Tell her you want this man out of your life, you want protection for you and your kids and how can you achieve that.

She will be able to look at your situation holistically and advise.

You seem really smart, and you have the funds to make a real change.

OP Southall black sisters may be able to help you out. They will understand the cultural context and the abuse you have suffered, they do a lot of legal work around immigration and divorce etc.

They may be able to help you figure everything out. They really are an amazing organisation.

All 3 kids in school of course you can cope being a single parent. Take a break during the holidays and go back and start divorcing him.
youll be much happier.

Who are called all the names under the sun on MN.

You don’t have to run away boy if you are splitting your husband can have access and you help with clubs and school pick up and drop off like decent men on here do after a separation and have the children every other weekend .

Takk to a doctor but don’t be shamed into feeling YOU are the one who has to have fill
access dads can do it too .

I agree though doctor and Counseling and tell your husband you are going away for some space to think and re charge .
Then when you come back talk to
him about how your feeling and ask him to help
you make a plan with the kids

I have no advice to offer but you sound like an amazing person, you've achieved so much, and I'm so sorry the system let you down so badly.

I think this is really key. Being in a forced marriage through your teens and 20s - no matter how good a dad the husband may be, is not a life.

Op do you want to be a parent? So many men opt out and everyone just has to get on with it. Why is it any different for a woman.

Were your pregnancies by choice? I can't imagine being a parent when you really don't want to be one and being judged so harshly by those who have no idea about your life.

You poor woman. You have and are being abused and you are living with your rapist that is no life and your anguish spills from every word. Everyone has let you down.

You are a victim and despite that you have survived, you have educated yourself and got a career.

I honestly pass no judgement just love and support if you leave. But I hope the police would support you and charge him for rape and provide some help and support. Can you call women’s aid? Take a step and talk to your headteacher - explain and ask for them or HR to advocate to women’s aid and the police.

Seriously? is that the kind of advice you'd give a husband/father too - just piss off and start again?

People who abandon their children are shits. If you want to divorce and be the non-resident parent then work towards that. If you need support with your mental heth, seek it. But walking off into the sunset to start a better life is moral cowardice.

I think you might be depressed, without sounding patronising. The first year of having a newborn baby is very hormonal. Doing it on you own will be even more difficult.

I don't believe I've ever said this before, but I think you need to leave and take the children with you, whatever it takes. Otherwise, what are you going to do it 12 years' time, when he starts trying to get your twins married off against their will? From what you've said, he doesn't seem to have had any problem marrying you without your consent, so why wouldn't he arrange something similar for your children?

I can't get my head around wanting to walk out on their own children (and maybe return "one day" - as if it's that simple). Leave your abusive husband, sure. But not your children. The damage you will do to them by walking out and never looking back is irreversible. You "won't cope" alone with your twins, why ever not? How do single parents manage?

I can't say anything else as it will get me into trouble. However, when we have children, they should come first - always.

Look, OP, someone who is a violent rapist and abuser is NOT a good dad. He is a man pretending to be a good dad. You need to get this straight in your mind. I suspect your children have picked up on this abuse far more than you realise, but have normalised it.

I think you should definitely leave. Offer your children the choice of who they would rather live with. You will cope. You are much stronger than you think, and you will have your freedom.

I’m guessing the children were possibly conceived through rape, forced marriage and forced pregnancy is no life for anyone. I’d have no judgement whatsoever what ever the OP decided to do - there’s no good outcome here.

It sounds like you need to see your doctor. These thoughts of running away from your family aren't those of a healthy brain.
As a teacher, the summer holidays are nearly here, but personally I'd advise going off now - get signed off and take a break.
There's a wonderful fb group called "live after teaching - exit the classroom and thrive". It's not just advice for those wanting to leave teaching. It's for all school staff who are just going through a hard time in any aspect of their lives. You'll get really kind, supportive, useful advice from them.

A personal story: A childhood friend's mum ran off from the family when my friend was in her early teens. They later found out she'd set up with a new fella and had a whole new set of children. My friend was the middle child of 3 (she was about 12, there was an older brother by about 2 years, who would have been about 14, and a younger sister who was only about 6 or 7), and honestly, none of the three ever truly recovered from the trauma of their mum leaving them.
My understanding now is that they have a little bit of contact, but it's not much beyond the "annual Christmas card" level - so not much. There is zero relationship with the half siblings.

I think the visa situation makes this a not straightforward LTB.

if you don’t sign the paperwork he will probably flounce and blame you - result in damaging the DC.

if you leave he may leave the country and take your DC, blaming you - results in damaging the children

In your shoes I would exercise the power I had, only sign the form if he agrees to a separation, you have money, can you jointly buy/rent a second property? Co parent but don’t divorce until he gets permanent right to remain? Get a property near to your place of work and if challenged say it’s only work days you stay there?

you are strong and intelligent, use those strengths now. You have been let down and so badly treated, don’t be discouraged, you can turn this around

And by society? You see the same judgment of men and women by society? Really?

What a truly extraordinary experience you’re having if that’s the case.

Not to mention that this is an exceptional situation vastly more complex than you or any of the others so quick to jump to judgment can grasp. All your posts reveal is your own total lack of broad life experience.