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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I too selfish wanting to restart my entire life and forget about the family I made and have?

325 replies

Justhereandthere · 10/07/2023 22:00

I'm in a tricky relationship with my husband of 14 years. (Got married at 17 and wasn't by choice). We have 3 children (10m 5f(twins) )

Things aren't looking good and we just can't get along. I cant break up with him I won't cope alone with the twins. For now he helps clean the house he takes the children to school while I work as a teacher.

Iv been really down and depressed and there really isn't a way out ( I have thought of all the possibilities) I'm now tempted to leave my husband and children and start fresh. Move out of London start a new job and restart my life. I know its selfish but I can't live like this. I know it makes me a horrible mum but I have been happy for years. I just want to be free. Am I a monster? And has anyone ever actually left and started their life again?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
maddening · 11/07/2023 00:00

I reckon without him making you unhappy you would be able to enjoy your time with your dc but you should also have therapy.

Don't sign for him, if he fucks off you are free without losing your dc.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 11/07/2023 00:00

dontlikethat · 10/07/2023 23:49

A friend once told me she wanted to abandon her daughter to pursue an affair with a man who had grown up kids but who want to take on a younger child.

I told her she was brave. I meant she was a twat.

I’m not sure what this has got to do with the OP?

samqueens · 11/07/2023 00:02

OP - I echo all the PP’s on here applauding your strength and courage in getting to this point.

I hope you’re able to contact the specialist organisation mentioned above in order to talk - they aren’t “the authorities”, they have been set up to help people who have previously been let down by those in authority.

I hear how tough the place is that you’re in right now but, if you can, take a moment and consider what steps you would need to take to be safe from your husband and protect your children. Starting again somewhere new won’t do that. You think your H won’t see the children because he will want to see you struggle - that may be true. But from what you said about his manipulation of them today (?) or very recently, it sounds to me as though he is more likely to ensure he does see them because THAT will also be difficult for you. He will put his need to control first and everyone else’s second.

Youre in a strong financial position - have you taken any legal advice on what would happen if you divorced/if you refused to sign his visa and divorced/if you refuse to sign the visa and report him and divorce? My guess is that the support organisations mentioned might be able to recommend a lawyer who would be able to talk you through that.

You have worked so hard, studied and qualified as a teacher and so on - you must on some level know that information is power. Get as much information as you can, for free and paid for, then try and figure out what is right for you and your children. Being a single parent is hard, but parenting while someone else actively tries to drag you down is infinitely harder. If you’ve got this far then solo parenting is very unlikely to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

If you have never come across it then I recommend downloading (discreetly) Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft - not because it’s necessarily going to tell you anything you don’t already know about your husband, but because it is truly compassionate and insightful about the effects of abusive relationships and might help make you feel ‘seen’ and validate some of the ways you’re feeling.

You may need to have separate talks with your children about what their dad said - 10 and 5 are very different ages. But it’s ok to say there are problems and that you’re working through to determine what’s best. All you can do is let your children know you love them. (And no five year old could reasonably be expected to cope with that kind of emotional pummeling - no wonder they went to bits. It doesn’t mean they couldn’t manage without him - and in the future they might come to understand better what’s gone on).

You've created a life which, externally, probably looks like the life you’d want. Your children won’t be bamboozled by outward appearances forever. Reach out for help where you can and try and make the emotional reality of your life something you can admire as much as you feel pride in your many accomplishments and strengths.

hang in there, one step at a time 💐💐💐💐

samqueens · 11/07/2023 00:05

(Also just in case, do the children have passports? If they do and you go anywhere even if it’s just for a break for a few days to think, take the kids’ passports with you… just in case) xx

Brrrrrrrrrrrr · 11/07/2023 00:06

EnidSpyton · 10/07/2023 23:19

So many women on this thread don't seem to understand that not every woman feels the same way about being a mother as they do.

Some women don't enjoy being mothers.
Some women don't bond with their children.
Some women don't love their children.
Some women actively hate their children and are abusive towards them.

You can have all of these feelings without being depressed or needing some kind of medical explanation for it. Motherhood and the corresponding emotional connection with your children does not come naturally to everyone.

Women do walk away from their children all the time. Just because you can't understand or entertain the idea, doesn't mean other women couldn't possibly feel differently. Saying it's abnormal or unnatural to do so is deeply insensitive and continues to perpetuate the myth that maternal feelings are something all women are born with.

THIS

It’s ok to say you feel differently about your children, you CAN say you would rather they stay with him. YOU have a choice in this, no matter how difficult that choice may be, it’s still yours to make. If that means allowing him full custody then so be it, make that life you want for yourself.

CelticSong · 11/07/2023 00:13

JaukiVexnoydi · 10/07/2023 23:30

Don't sign the visa form. Declare to immigration control that this was a forced marriage made for visa purposes and you have finally found the courage to assert your right to freedom. It's important to make that declaration so that he doesn't find a way to just forge your signature.

Let him leave, that's fine, you don't need him. You have the strength to be all the parents your children need.

You can't rewind the clock and you can't blame your 17 year old self for not having the courage that you have now. The forced marriage was a wrong done to you, but being a survivor rather than a victim includes building your future in acknowledgement and acceptance of your history, not trying to erase the past trauma and trying to live the life that might-have-been. Those 14 years of being used were real, they happened, and they are now over because you have found your voice - be proud of that. Your children are innocent of the wrongs done to you and certainly shouldn't be left with this man who is happy to use other people for his own benefit - there is no amount of otherwise decent behaviour that makes up for that fundamentally abusive action of taking you as a forced bride, he is not capable of being a genuinely good father as he has no moral compass.

This, all of it!

RegimentalSturgeon · 11/07/2023 00:15

Don’t know where this came from, OP, but I have just seen a very clear image of a young man - 18 or 19ish - rounding a corner with a pillar box by a hedge and saying to the young woman with him “Come and meet my mum: she’s amazing!”

You clearly are pretty amazing, to have achieved what you have after having been so badly betrayed. I hope you win through to a future on your terms, with your children protected by, learning from, and taking great pride in your strength and courage, and that you will know yourself truly loved. I think this will happen.

Flowers
Forestfriendlygarden · 11/07/2023 00:16

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2023 23:00

You think a spa will fix this?

And he's hardly her 'other half'...

No of course not, don't be stupid I've been there myself I'm not that bloody thick.

A few days respite to get head not straight but at least a small head space.

Why are people on here so bloody thick?

caringcarer · 11/07/2023 00:18

My nephew's wife just upped and left leaving children at school. She switched off her phone. My nephew got a call but he was miles away working so my sister collected them. They were 10 and almost 8 when she left. She left a note saying don't try to contact or find her and she wasn't coming back. She took her passport and emptied their joint bank account. 6 months later she contacted my nephew out of the blue one day. Both kids were very badly affected. Don't just walk out on your kids. If you want a divorce try to agree 50/50 care with your husband.

CockSpadget · 11/07/2023 00:23

Don’t leave your children with an abusive rapist, they don’t deserve that life.
You CAN raise them alone OP, yes, it will be hard at times, but it will be the most rewarding thing you have ever done. I left an abusive relationship, with a 9yr old, a 2 yr old, and 3 bin bags of belongings. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.

anon666 · 11/07/2023 00:30

redressgirl · 10/07/2023 23:28

How do you know they wasn't capable of looking after their kids? Judgemental much

How bizarre of you to presume that.

They tell me they weren't capable of looking after their kids.

Honestly what is it with the internet that people like you jump down someone's throat without stopping to think.

The word you're looking for is "weren't" not "wasn't" by the way. Now I'm judging

JeandeServiette · 11/07/2023 00:31

If you've been trapped in a forced - or forcibly arranged - marriage, I would think speaking to a therapist or support group with that specialism would be a good start.

That's quite a specific circumstance, but there are also lots of women out there who have been through it.

I think maybe some PPs have missed that detail or are underestimating the impact of essentially being enslaved or trafficked (because in a way that's what it is).

PartyRingFan · 11/07/2023 00:34

Men do this all the time

JeandeServiette · 11/07/2023 00:35

TheCheeseTray · 10/07/2023 22:35

Why were you forced into a marriage?

can I ask that? At 17. Who forced you as a child to marry and why?

do you get on with your husband or is he abusive? Can you talk to him?
a GP?
as a teacher you have free counselling available to you - ask HR.

Mike alive. Who do you think is likely to have arranged a non-voluntary marriage? Do you ever leave your hamlet to visit modern U.K.?

AllTheChaos · 11/07/2023 00:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

A family friend says he wishes his mother had left. He found her with her suitcase packed when he was a little boy, and came home early from school. She couldn’t leave in front of him, so she stayed, and killed herself shortly thereafter. He has always blamed himself for ‘making’ her stay when she was so clearly devastatingly unhappy. Maybe don’t judge someone or call their feelings nonsense, hmm?

Batalax · 11/07/2023 00:39

He’s not a good dad if he raped their mother.

Leave him but fight for your children. Keep evidence for them that you were ok about 50/50 access so when they are older, they don’t blame you. Never speak ill of him but blame the fact that you were not compatible and make sure they know it was nothing to do with them. If they ask why he doesn’t see them, answer honestly and say that you have no idea but feel bad for them that he doesn’t.

You’ll regret it if you walk away without the children, but you can’t continue living in a forced marriage where you were raped.

WallaceinAnderland · 11/07/2023 00:42

Your children would be equally as upset and wanting to be with you if they were told you had to leave. They love you both and, more importantly, they need you both.

Please don't leave. If you don't sign the papers and he leaves, that is down to him. You can rebuild your life with your children. Find support wherever you can to stay. I'm sorry for what you have been through, that must be so tough.

JeandeServiette · 11/07/2023 00:42

Justhereandthere · 10/07/2023 23:15

He got it under a marriage visa and he did the first 8 years or something which I signed every 3 years and now this is the sign for 9 years or permenant who knows he wouldn't tell me.

I'm going to be honest he is a good dad. We just have a crap marriage and he refuses couple therapy. Yes he raped me alot when I was much younger and how I got through it and remained strong is a history to me. He hasn't hit me in over 8 years now and I don't think he would dare to now.

It's been a tough time for me but in that time I did my degree online, learnt how to drive, learnt how to save did my PGCE etc like non of this came at an ease. Yes I am strong but I don't know if I'm strong enough to cope on my own with the kids.

I cant go to my family for support they are the ones who pushed me into the marriage in the first place. For now all 3 of my children are doing above average in school and are academically one year above. I guess I'm just worried I won't cope but even then the thought of walking away because he is a good dad is something I can't just shift out of my mind.

You're so ground down you think you won't cope, but you will.

I wouldn't worry too much about the visa. They won't deport the father of British citizens anyway. Which at least means you can have the support that comes from shared care. EOWeekend to recharge or similar.

Do start making a plan and building your support network, irrespective of immigration concerns and visas.

MisspentGenXYouth · 11/07/2023 00:50

This is such an awful situation, I’m so sorry about the horrific abuse you’ve experienced and the lack of support you’ve experienced from everyone, even authorities which should be there to protect you.

You might not feel like it now but honestly it feels like you’ve really got your shit together in terms of getting yourself a career which will mean you have the ability to be financially independent which is absolutely at the heart of any way to free yourself.

I can imagine you desperately want to run away from everything and really want to believe the children will be better off without you but please don’t do that, honestly they’re not safe with him, especially as they get older.

You said something about him needing you for a visa to stay in the county? Can you contact any women’s organisations where you are that deal with forced marriages to see if they have any advice? They might have free legal advice or support services that can give you ideas how to get him out of your life.

Legally as he raped you and forced you into marriage that should impact on his access if he also faces criminal charges but you’d need to get legal advice first. It’s worth finding out what your legal rights are though. Best of luck.

Codlingmoths · 11/07/2023 00:55

If he would choose not to see his kids to punish you then HE IS NOT A GOOD DAD.
your kids know you’re a great mum, they were pleading to the one who seems risky to them, he might leave. It’s what kids do- they take you for granted because you are safe.
op, a clean house isn’t everything. Keep your kids. They are getting more independent every day, you would get through.

Kate0902900908 · 11/07/2023 00:56

You sound like you might have depression. You have been a mum to them 3 children for 10 and 5 years there is no way rationally speaking you would walk away from them unless you’re having a mental health illness. It happens to lots of women and men and you’re not a monster.
on top of possible depression, 3 kids and an unhappy marriage your also a teacher and that’s no easy to deal with it’s a massive amount combined for anyone to be dealing with.

do you have a support network? X

LuckyPeonies · 11/07/2023 00:58

Justhereandthere · 10/07/2023 22:00

I'm in a tricky relationship with my husband of 14 years. (Got married at 17 and wasn't by choice). We have 3 children (10m 5f(twins) )

Things aren't looking good and we just can't get along. I cant break up with him I won't cope alone with the twins. For now he helps clean the house he takes the children to school while I work as a teacher.

Iv been really down and depressed and there really isn't a way out ( I have thought of all the possibilities) I'm now tempted to leave my husband and children and start fresh. Move out of London start a new job and restart my life. I know its selfish but I can't live like this. I know it makes me a horrible mum but I have been happy for years. I just want to be free. Am I a monster? And has anyone ever actually left and started their life again?

No, you are not a monster! I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to be forced to marry someone you don’t love, and have children with that person.

As for leaving him and your kids, I had a co-worker who regretted marriage and children and just wanted out. I don’t know specifics, but she gave up custody, moved, and severed contact with her ex and kids when she started her new life. It must have been the right decision for her as she was a very content, socially engaged person years later when I worked with her.

Kate0902900908 · 11/07/2023 01:03

I’ve just read the entire post.
You should leave. You need to help you before you can do it be anything to your children. If he is a good dad and they will be safe then go. Just leave and start again, re build yourself you well-being and who you are. Then in time you can build a relationship with your children.

beckieeboop · 11/07/2023 01:04

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AllOfThemWitches · 11/07/2023 01:58

I can't believe people are encouraging this woman to abandon her DAUGHTERS with a man who raped a teenage girl. Fucking hell.

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