Am I too selfish wanting to restart my entire life and forget about the family I made and have?

[Justhereandthere]

I'm in a tricky relationship with my husband of 14 years. (Got married at 17 and wasn't by choice). We have 3 children (10m 5f(twins) )

Things aren't looking good and we just can't get along. I cant break up with him I won't cope alone with the twins. For now he helps clean the house he takes the children to school while I work as a teacher.

Iv been really down and depressed and there really isn't a way out ( I have thought of all the possibilities) I'm now tempted to leave my husband and children and start fresh. Move out of London start a new job and restart my life. I know its selfish but I can't live like this. I know it makes me a horrible mum but I have been happy for years. I just want to be free. Am I a monster? And has anyone ever actually left and started their life again?

OP, sorry. The thread didn't load properly, so I wasn't able to see previous posts. It's now refreshed and I've been able to see your posts. You've been through so much. I hope you get the support you need. 💐

OP there are charities that can give you guidance and support. Forced marriage is acknowledged much more now then it was 14 years ago.

Call this organisation and let them advise you.

Take care.

freedomcharity.org.uk/forced-marriage/

OP I’m so sorry - I’ve just seen your updates. Leave him. He’s treated you abominably and ought to be arrested- then deported!

But can you take your DC with you or just refuse to sign his visa form? They’ll suffer real abandonment if he goes and you do too.

@Justhereandthere your posts are so sad, I can hear the despair in your voice.
First, your children became upset and declared their love for their dad because of the way he spoke to them. Out of the blue like that they were shocked and reacted the only way they could , all children would do the same.
I think you feel you won’t cope alone with the children because your husband has made you feel like this. He’s said or insinuated it in many little ways so it’s become cemented in your mind. You would cope, thousands of single mums do. It’s tough for a while as the kids work through their feelings but they come out the other end. You help the kids you teach so you’d be able to guide your own dc.
Speak to Women’s Aid , get money that is yours far away from him, so he can’t grab and run. If it’s in the bank transfer it temporarily into Premium Bonds for example, all done online or at the bank so no paperwork.

Imagine yourself in 5 years time — your dc older, happy and successful in school, you calm and happy in your job. Your husband either in Asia if that’s his choice or living separately in the UK. But focus on how you’ll feel. There are lots of different ways to separate , you can’t change the unhappy past but you can have a happy future.

Oh OP this is just awful, I’m so sorry. I don’t think you want him to have your kids, they are still little they don’t understand any of this or who he really is. He probably will find a way to stay and honestly it’s on him if he doesn’t want to have anything to do with the kids. No-one should stay in a marriage with a rapist for others. Also if he holds some of these views on marriage you don’t want your DD’s in your shoes in their teens.

I know you feel you won’t cope but you can, you can do it. First thing is to go to your GO, nothing wrong with anti-depressants to even you out for a while then get your thinking cap on.

I just feel so sad for you (especially 17yr old you) you must feel you were robbed of the life you should have had Xx. I understand the temptation to cut and run and I wouldn’t judge you for it. But they are still your children even if you didn’t necessarily want to have them with who you did or in the circumstances you had them.

OP you have done amazingly to achieve everything you have despite the forced marriage and abuse that has come with it, and being let down by your family and health professionals.

You are definitely strong enough to raise your children alone.

If your husband would abandon them to spite you - well that says everything about the sort of dad he really is.

This.

Everything is overwhelming you at the moment and you need time to properly think. You are obviously feeling trapped and helpless in your very upsetting situation.

You can't make any decisions when you are so seriously stressed. Could you spend some time alone during the school holidays? Somewhere very quiet and retreat-like? Is there a relative who could take your children for a while and give you some space?

You honestly sound on the edge of a complete breakdown. As Squidly suggests - speak to your GP. This is not the time to make major changes or decisions of any type.

I worked with someone who walked away and left twins a few months old. Dad remarried and the twins grew up regarding step mum as mum, birth mum didn't stay in touch but some of her family did so she heard how they got on. At around 19 or 20 one of the twins got in touch, she rekindled her relationship with them for a few months, all was great and then she told them they had to spend Christmas with her. They said they were going home to "mum" and dad for Christmas but would see her over the holiday. She was furious and there was a big falling out. Last I heard she'd lost contact with them again.

Last time I saw her I would say she was a bitter lonely woman. I felt sorry for her but she couldn't accept how things turned out.

This,

You are an amazing young woman who has been through more than the majority of us can comprehend. I hope you can find the strength to build a new life for yourself and your children.

Think of the long term and the effect it will have on your children. Watch an episode of Long Lost Family and check out the long term effects. Can you not sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband? Is he that unreasonable? What effect will your choice to 'bail out' have on him and the children and your family and his family? You will need to find an alternative which works but may be a compromise in an adult world. Your children are as much your responsibility as is your marriage with you husband.

It’s likely your children will never speak to you again ever it matters not what people say most children feel the loss of a mother much more than a father

Op my heart goes out to you.

If you were 40 years younger I’d have thought you were my friend who similarly to you was forced into marriage & raped repeatedly by him. She eventually found the courage to leave him. It was so very hard for her but we thank god she did every time we meet up.

I have no words of wisdom apart from do not sign his application.

No good father would rape or abuse their mother

💐💐

Abandoning your children and leaving them with lifelong scars knowing their mother didn’t want nor love them is not the right way to go, regardless of forced marriage or not. I can’t believe any mother would do that.

See your GP before you abandon your children. It's not their fault you are feeling low and there are things you can do to improve your mental health that don't include leaving children who will think it's their fault.

Sweetheart you coped with him and all his abuse

You can definitely cope alone.

Seek advice.

He's not a good dad. He's a rapist and an abuser. This is not someone who will help your son grow into a man who respects women. This is not someone who will help your daughters grow into empowered and independent women who know their rights. When they're old enough, is he planning to marry them off in the same way? He's already shown he has no problem doing it himself.

Reach out to the charities mentioned and take your children with you, far away from him.

You need advice from a domestic abuse charity- one of the specialists listed.

You need clarity on his legal position, and on custody of the children.

He may try and punish you by keeping them or taking them abroad, rather than by refusing to have them.

A good dad doesn't use his DC to manipulate his wife.

And he is manipulating you and them, with the nonsense about being kicked out and the threat to refuse to see them.

You can't trust him with your daughters, can you?

💐You are a brave, strong, incredible woman. You have come through so much and achieved beyond any reasonable expectations. You are exhausted now but eventually you will heal. Stay with your children, or take them if you go. My mother used to say 'Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater!' and this is a case where that applies. You need to be free of your abuser. He'll try every trick in the book to keep you under control. Seek help - GP, therapists, Women's Aid, everyone who might possibly be able to help.

I'll repeat what @vjg13 said
'You are an amazing young woman who has been through more than the majority of us can comprehend. I hope you can find the strength to build a new life for yourself and your children.'

Sending you positive, strengthening thoughts and lots of love and respect. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you can get the help you deserve.

You need to consider getting signed off work for a period to allow you to sort this out.

Please speak to a GP. Be careful what you’re signing. It’s only 5yrs on a marriage visa before you get permanent status so very odd he still doesn’t have it after 9. So if you’re signing, check what you’re signing.

You are a lot stronger than you think. Unfortunately back than we never knew the extent of a forced marriage how in some cases it meant life or death. Sounds like it could be a control thing that he does everything for the kids. Surprised he let's you keep your own money. You have a career and money to help you start a fresh take the kids and move away. Do not leave them with him in years to come your girls could be in the same situation !

Think of the long term and the effect it will have on your children. Watch an episode of Long Lost Family and check out the long term effects. Can you not sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband? Is he that unreasonable? What effect will your choice to 'bail out' have on him and the children and your family and his family? You will need to find an alternative which works but may be a compromise in an adult world. Your children are as much your responsibility as is your marriage with you husband.

Have you read even the OPs posts? She was forced into marriage, her husband had physically and sexually abused her. He’s far from a reasonable man - and the OP isn’t responsible for an abusive marriage she was forced into.

OP I don’t know what the right decision is for you but you have the strength to do whatever you need to. You’ve survived thus far, and will survive whatever decision you make.

Please don’t leave your DC.

Don’t sign for him, he’s abusive and you don’t want to be together.

I am struggling a bit to understand why you think you wouldn’t cope with the DC without him.

Agree with PP to get as much advice and support as you can to get you through this difficult time 💐

Be brave, don't sign, you are strong and look how far you have come. You will find it easier to cope with your children if you are happy.

Please don't leave your children. Leave your husband and take the children.

You CAN cope on your own. I am a completely lone parent, no input from DS's dad at all and I've raised him alone since he was a baby. You CAN do it.