To not like my DH physique anymore

[ShallowAsF]

It hasn't changed since we met so the issue is all mine. He has unusual body shape proportions, which I won't describe here in case it's outing, but I think they are very noticeable.
My issue is I have become obsessed..... I wonder what was I thinking when we got together, why I suppressed my true feelings about his body shape (telling myself at the time it was shallow, and to focus on other more important elements- like personality)... I compare his body shape constantly to others (unfavourably). I wonder if other people notice what I do and judge him and if I'm honest, me. I can see that my children have possibly inherited the same body shape from him, and I'm constantly scanning their peers for evidence that my children have this unusual body shape too, that they are different from peers. I worry that they will be judged somehow, that they will find teen years difficult if others notice and point it out.

This is not normal is it. I'm definitely being unreasonable. No one has ever commented on DH body shape to me. My DH does not have a problem with how he looks whatsoever . It's not a health issue - purely bone structure and proportions. The issue is all me. I've turned judgy and shallow and am probably projecting my feelings onto others.

I don't know what I'm expecting from Mumsnet. Maybe just somewhere to vent as I'm not going to talk about this in real life. It's exhausting, shallow and I'm a bitch.

The intensity, amount of time and importance that you attach to your partner's "unusual" body shape; sounds disproportionate and intrusive.
The worry and stress you are putting on yourself by constantly scanning, worrying whether others are judging your partner or you,etc... all this sounds more like a mental health issue than a partner's body type issue. It's going beyond the bounds of rational and reasonable thinking and behaviour, and seems to impact on your normal life.
Don't beat yourself up, you are not a bitch, you need help. Please go to your GP.

I have an EX who when we met was in good physical shape, but over the years his shape changed, I remember watching him mow the lawn in his shorts, he had a huge round belly on show, I also had changed my shape, became fatter after 3DC and turning to food for comfort too often. The difference between us, was I accepted I was overweight and not the girl he met, I remember him once saying to me "you expect me to sleep with you looking like that", whereas he thought he was gods gift and wandered around with his body on show. Years later I lost all the weight and have a nice figure, he has got bigger but seems happy, our adult DC told me the other day, "remember when dad used to mow the grass with his huge pot belly on show" so they have also thought it but no one said anything. I did stop finding him attractive but it was more to do with his hurtful comments than the fact I no longer fancied the way he looked but it made it easier to be honest.

Cant see any way round this. Perhaps counselling would help if it has become a serious problem or their are other issues. If you cant change your attitude and he cant change his shape it's an impasse.

Clarkson may have diastasis recti.

Not really sure how this could possibly be outing? Unless he's literally a centaur or a leprechaun.

Whatever it is it won’t be outing.

Sticky-outy ass?

Child bearing hips?

Moobs?

Coca cola bottle legs?

Taken in isolation I can see that quote is meant to suggest beauty is subjective but the association between evil and ugly, and between good and beautiful, runs through all of Dahl’s books. His descriptions of people’s looks intend for us to see them as objectively attractive or ugly. Why do we need to know that Miss Honey has “a lovely pale oval madonna face” if she’s supposed to be beautiful just because of her lovely thoughts? Why does Mrs Twit need to have a glass eye and a crooked, pointy nose? Doesn’t that just teach children that deformity is associated with evil?

Wow a ton of nasty comments on here, I was just going to add to the fact this is potentially you falling out of live and noticing things.

Maybe due to resentment issues? Which is what happens to me. DH was lazy, not supportive, generally unavailable and self important and I gradually started to notice how he swung his arms weird when he walked... and from that point on literally any movement he made, face he pulled way he spoke became annoying.

But it was all linked back to me ultimately loosing respect for him as a partner, he was no longer on my side.

It’s always been like that though. In traditional fairy tales good people are always beautiful and bad people are always ugly.

Yes, absolutely this. This isn't just 'I don't fancy my husband because I've got the ick about his short legs' or something. Everything about the OP's post suggests obsessive and intrusive thinking, as if she has body dysmorphia but in relation to someone else instead of herself.

Yes, but I can’t think of a quote from a fairy tale that gets repeatedly trotted out as though there’s some profound wisdom in it like that Dahl one about the lovely thoughts. That’s what I object to: we’re supposed to believe, from that quote, that beauty comes entirely from within, while at the same time being told that glass eyes and crooked noses only belong to horrible people.

Hormonal?

Like genuinely could you be peri menopausal or menopausal and your body is trying to get you to pro create with some Greek god like person ?

Apparently this stuff can be linked to where we are in reproductive cycle same as how we feel changes on menstrual cycle. ?

I had similar “suppression” thoughts when I was first with my long-term ex. I didn’t really fancy him physically and he wasn’t my usual type, but I fell in love (or thought I did) and thought I was being shallow to care about those things and I wasn’t an oil painting myself so I suppressed it. It took a long relationship for me to realise he wasn’t really the person he put on a “persona” of and our difficulties weren’t just me. But I did eventually realise I didn’t love him. And when I did the physical non-attraction was impossible to get over too.

Not saying this is what’s happening with you but it’s one possibility. I was in denial for a long time that it wasn’t the love story I’d told myself and that I wanted it to be, IYSWIM.

Incidentally I had a previous boyfriend who had some physical oddities (barrel chest, huge flat feet) but I fancied him madly and honestly still would even though he cheated on me and was a sexist twat… there’s no accounting for lust…

Anyway I’ve felt similar so you have my sympathies and I’m not judging you.

I hated the Dahl quote when I was a child, as people used to call me ugly and I thought it meant they could read my ugy thoughts. (I did not have ugly thoughts. I was unattractive and anxious.)

OP, I agree with others saying that this could be some sort of mental health issue. Perhaps it is not really about his looks, and is more about you being obsessive in some way, and feeling guilty?

At the same time, it's not unheard-of for a person to find it easy to ignore something about their partner (big teeth, irritating laugh, annoying accent) in the first few years, and then to find it annoying later on when life is more stressful and they are not as loved-up.

Surely we need some kind of diagram?

My dp is a funny shape, the dc nicknamed him Mr strangeshape (( as in a Mr man book )) he has no bum, a narrow waist, broad shoulders and despite the fact he racks up 30000 steps a day a pot belly he just can't shift. Even suit fitters have commented on his funny shape.

But it's something we have a laugh about, usually when he's trying to buy clothes.......your attitude towards your own dp is weird. I just hope he isn't picking up on it 😬

Think it's going to one of those irritating threads where the OP never returns 🤷‍♀️

Oh Camilla, you poor thing

The fact that OP thinks that the "unusual physique" will be immediately outing is a sign of the disproportionate nature of the importance of it.
Nobody is judging him because he has short legs for example.
Nobody is judging OP because of his physique.
Constantly scanning the children's peers, comparing them to her children, worrying that they have inherited the same "flaw" is another example of irrational and excessive thoughts.
The problem isn't with OP's husband's pigeon chest or knobbly knees, it's the self admitted obsession with it and irrational, intrusive thoughts.

😂but great when out shopping. You wouldn't need to carry your bags, just sling them onto his back, If your legs get tired you can ride home as well. Win win. !!

@qazxc The fact that OP thinks that the "unusual physique" will be immediately outing is a sign of the disproportionate nature of the importance of it.

You nailed it. Probably no-one else would notice anything, only the OP. I agree the OP's reactions are very disproportionate and some kind of therapy is probably needed.

This sounds a bit like body dysmorphia (becoming overly focussed and upset about physical characteristics), except you are applying it to his and your children's bodies instead of your own. Is that a thing? 🤔

That does sound good!

Your post sounds very much like this is becoming a mental health issue - some kind of obsessive thought pattern, anxiety? Unless it is a health issue such as scoliosis that causes an unusual body shape I really don't think this fixation on your kids bodies will do you or them any good, and is actually quite disturbing. Please don't pass these issues on to your children.

I hear you, OP. But when I started noticing my ex’s unusual body type (in his case it was a narrow chest and very wide hips) it was because I was already going off him for other reasons. That was the death knell though.