To not like my DH physique anymore

[ShallowAsF]

It hasn't changed since we met so the issue is all mine. He has unusual body shape proportions, which I won't describe here in case it's outing, but I think they are very noticeable.
My issue is I have become obsessed..... I wonder what was I thinking when we got together, why I suppressed my true feelings about his body shape (telling myself at the time it was shallow, and to focus on other more important elements- like personality)... I compare his body shape constantly to others (unfavourably). I wonder if other people notice what I do and judge him and if I'm honest, me. I can see that my children have possibly inherited the same body shape from him, and I'm constantly scanning their peers for evidence that my children have this unusual body shape too, that they are different from peers. I worry that they will be judged somehow, that they will find teen years difficult if others notice and point it out.

This is not normal is it. I'm definitely being unreasonable. No one has ever commented on DH body shape to me. My DH does not have a problem with how he looks whatsoever . It's not a health issue - purely bone structure and proportions. The issue is all me. I've turned judgy and shallow and am probably projecting my feelings onto others.

I don't know what I'm expecting from Mumsnet. Maybe just somewhere to vent as I'm not going to talk about this in real life. It's exhausting, shallow and I'm a bitch.

Why do people quote that Roald Dahl thing like it's some universal truth? He wasnt exactly pretty and also had some ugly thoughts. BIG NEWS EVERYONE!!!!! just because some bugger wrote something down and idiots repeat it, doesn't make it true. That also goes for that stupid "never attribute malice where stupidity can explain" Hello? Have you never heard of psychopaths? Who said it? Bloody thought terminating clichés. Sorry. Also poor husband, he can't help it and it can't come as a surprise to you.

Sorry @Allmyghosts , I used the quote to say that I think the op is an ugly person for thinking horrible things about her husband and childrens appearance.

I’d be pretty devastated if my partner wrote the post she’s written about me and my children.

Pigeon chested?

A boy in my young years had a crush on me but in the foolish vanity of youth I couldn't see past his chest at what a lovely young man he was and brushed him off.

To decide now his physicality has put you off is sad for you and sad for him.

Usually over time we endear ourselves to others and our foibles and quirks become much loved attributes to the ones we live.

I can only imagine the relationship is lacking elsewhere for you to suddenly focus on his appearance and perhaps subconsciously you are using it as an excuse because you are bored or some other reason?

OP, this sounds very obsessive. Do you have a history of OCD or anxiety based mental health issues?

I have OCD and this has at times in my life presented as relationship OCD - this can be obsessive thoughts such as ‘do I really love my partner’ or critical thoughts around their morality or appearance.

Please look into this and see if your thought patterns fit. Therapy has been invaluable for me.

Does he look like this guy?

What you’re basically saying is that you don’t fancy him, isn’t it?

When you were in love, it didn’t matter much, but now that the truly, madly, deeply phase has worn off, you don’t find him attractive. You may still like/love him as a person, but not feel physically attracted to him-presumably sex isn’t great, or it wouldn’t bother you.

Does he have triangle legs?

You’re embarrassed about how your DH and your kids look? Definitely you with the problem. I’m sure his body shape is perfectly fine.

YABU. Therapy, maybe? If he’s a good person and there’s no other thing causing this, you might work on your own mind.

Only on mumsnet is a body type outing 🙄

Were you on contraception when you met him and have now gone off it, by any chance?

Wait what are triangle legs?

Cankles?

this is why women need to stop settling for men that they are not attracted to, all because you wanted to be nice and "not shallow" 🙄

Is your husband otherwise known as Pan?

Hi OP,
This sounds like a body dysphoria focused on your husband rather than yourself. It honestly sounds like a mental health issue e.g. when you got together you thought "oh his arms are quite long" or whatever but now, for some mental health related reason the thoughts are becoming obsessive and impacting your relationship and expanding to include your children.

In the first instance I would speak to your GP and ask if they felt these were obsessive/intrusive thoughts and where to go from here.

If your husband does have long arms/ a hairy back/ a big head etc.... nobody cares. It is not normal for you to fixate on this in the way that you are.

Funnily enough I get what you mean. I never liked my ex's proportions, but overlooked it because I liked him as a person. Head was disproportionately large for his body, legs wrong, etc.Towards the end of our marriage I really didn't like it.

Body shape wise he resembled his own father as did a few of his siblings. Nobody us ever said anything so it's probably just me. God I feel shallow admitting that, but it's true.

My DSs don't look like him body shape though.

Is he Gru then?

Why do people quote that Roald Dahl thing like it's some universal truth?

Hear hear. It just encourages people to think it's okay to be shallow and judge on appearances. Yes we'd all like to grow old with lots of laughter lines and twinkly eyes. Some people have hard lives or for whatever reason just don't. Some lovely people are in pain, confused, hurt, and it shows. There are also beautiful, charming, twinkly con artists.

What is true is that we do grow to love the faces of people we love, but that doesn't mean they were actually beautiful at first sight, they're just beautiful to us because we know the personality behind.

OP, can I suggest an idea. I think maybe you are extending your sense of self to include your dearest, and you also extend your sense of self criticism, self consciousness. And you are probably exaggerating a feature in your head because once you start noticing something it's hard to stop.

I suggest a date. Go out together, dress up, talk to each other, have a dance if you're that way inclined. I think it might help you to remember that he's a separate person to you, one you love, and not just an extension of yourself for you to be self-critical of.

Is he barrel chested? My last wo exes were barrel chested and once I started not liking them anymore that feature really became unattractive to me.

Is he smaller than you?

It sounds like you have become very obsessed about one particular aspect in both your husband and children. Is it making you anxious?

This sounds very much like BDD by proxy. I would have a look into it and see if it fits....

bdd.iocdf.org/expert-opinions/bdd-by-proxy/

Has he got a really big peach, one you can use like a shelf for your drink? Need to know the body shape to be able to comment..

You say that you wonder if other people judge him like you do, so assume it is something he has control over such as his weight? I doubt anyone would judge someone else for a physical characteristic that was beyond their control.

🤣