To not like my DH physique anymore

[ShallowAsF]

It hasn't changed since we met so the issue is all mine. He has unusual body shape proportions, which I won't describe here in case it's outing, but I think they are very noticeable.
My issue is I have become obsessed..... I wonder what was I thinking when we got together, why I suppressed my true feelings about his body shape (telling myself at the time it was shallow, and to focus on other more important elements- like personality)... I compare his body shape constantly to others (unfavourably). I wonder if other people notice what I do and judge him and if I'm honest, me. I can see that my children have possibly inherited the same body shape from him, and I'm constantly scanning their peers for evidence that my children have this unusual body shape too, that they are different from peers. I worry that they will be judged somehow, that they will find teen years difficult if others notice and point it out.

This is not normal is it. I'm definitely being unreasonable. No one has ever commented on DH body shape to me. My DH does not have a problem with how he looks whatsoever . It's not a health issue - purely bone structure and proportions. The issue is all me. I've turned judgy and shallow and am probably projecting my feelings onto others.

I don't know what I'm expecting from Mumsnet. Maybe just somewhere to vent as I'm not going to talk about this in real life. It's exhausting, shallow and I'm a bitch.

@BranchGold
Your post is truly lovely and so true. I agree and have always thought the only ugliness in ones face is from that person's personality.

She did notice before, just decided they were not important.

Now for some reason she's fixating on them and worrying about the kids.

OP I wonder whether the flaws you see are at all as noticeable as you think they are.

It must be unsettling to have all these intrusive thoughts.

You can fuck off with "the bells" and hunchback comments. DD has scoliosis, it's a disability not a joke.

DH always jokes how he is two people ( muscular legs, disproportionately skinny torso and 34 inch chest) sewn together. He's very noticeable. Fortunately neither of us married each other for their body.,.

There’s no way the body shape would be outing.

I don't want to take anything Dahl said on trust. Like that stupid "human beings are the only animal to kill their own kind". Absolute bollocks.

We are sold a lie that physical attraction is not important. The message is much stronger to women, probably because most men will happily shag anything.

It’s a lie.

Finding your partner attractive is very important.

I suspect that something else in the relationship is off, and it’s expressing itself in this way.

No, it is honestly simplistic nonsense and taking it as some amazing wisdom betrays a lack of thinking and indeed observation skills.

bahahahaha

It sounds like anxiety op.

Feelings can't be unreasonable, only actions. Your feelings are not under your control. Deal with them in a way that respects you and others, and you will never have to do anything that feels unreasonable. If it seems unreasonable to others, that's their gubbins. It's subjective. What you're saying is like saying 'Is blonde hair beautiful?' It entirely depends on the observer.

If you've changed and you don't find him attractive any more, deal with that in a way that respects him and you. It's all you can do. You can't 'decide to feel differently'. You can't reason with feelings, so none of them are reasonable really; some are just accepted by more people than others.

Well it didn't bother you before you married and made children with him. It couldn't have worried you, that his genetics would pass down to the kids. I feel like it's a small ick, which you keep obsessing over. Perhaps try marriage counselling to focus on the positives on your relationship. I've seen so many friends dump their partners for the smallest reasons, yet wind up staying with scumbags. If he is nice, respectful, loving, interacts with the kids, pulls his weight around the house and contributes financially, then he's a keeper. His body shape shouldn't be a factor, unless he becomes morbidly obsese and disabled by it.

I’ve never liked that quote from The Twits: I get how it’s meant to be interpreted, but if you’ve ever been called ugly - or think you are - it just makes you feel as though it’s your own fault for not having enough lovely thoughts. So not only are you ugly (which is pretty rubbish) but it’s your horrible thoughts and horrible personality that make you ugly (which is even more rubbish) - you don’t even have a lovely personality to make up for your ugliness.

I think it’s primal, we look for a mate, your chosen mate has possibly passed on features to your children, so you are looking for potential weaknesses.

Its difficult, doesn’t make you shallow but you can’t do anything about your situation, your children are here. I’m not sure how you move on, you are not a bad person. Try to count blessings? Maybe talk it with a health professional?

@Beautiful3

Did you have children with your partner in the hope that you would find them sexy?!

His body shape shouldn't be a factor, unless he becomes morbidly obsese and disabled by it

Why shouldn't it be? Who are you, to say this? An authority, referring to some set of rules? There are no 'shoulds'. If something is putting OP off her husband, that's how she feels, and that's valid. You can't decide for someone else that their partner is 'a keeper'. There are millions of lovely, kind, sweet, handsome, funny men out there that you wouldn't be compatible with, for a million reasons. Are they 'keepers' for you?

It seems to resonate with some people because it seems to relate to the way in which attractiveness is subjective - but it distorts this by pretending the attractiveness is somehow objective and that the sentiment determining it comes from the person being perceived rather than the perceiver.

Whether you find someone attractive or not is tempered by how you feel about them (and a range of other things that shape your perception). it’s nothing to do with what they’re thinking; it’s reflective of your own thoughts and feelings.

of course, it’s tempting to believe that your feelings that someone is unkind and horrible is an objective assessment of their inner essence - and that’s what’s shining out and making them ‘ugly’. But it’s not.

Which is to say, it is the kind of inaccuracy that gains purchase and people wheel out as if it’s fact on threads. Even threads where an OP as made it clear they feel dreadful for having these thoughts.

I agree. It's a simplistic view and rather crude measure of 'attractiveness'.

Dare I say it, could it be peri menopause op? Its apparently very common for women to go off their other halves when we have such big hormone changes. Doesn't mean it's forever though.

And he was a miserable anti-Semite, but he did write some cracking books.

Agree.

It sounds like you think he's ugly in some manner and overlooked it because you liked him in other ways.

And now you are wishing you hadn't and feel sad that maybe your children inherited it in some way.

It's not as bad as lots of people are saying. You were just trying to overlook something to be nice, did, and now it's coming back to haunt you.

As a young child (8) with OCD that Dahl quote caused extreme anxiety. I thought everyone else in the world could control their thoughts and I wasn’t able to. I thought that everyone would be able to know I had ‘bad’ thoughts because they would see it on my face. It did quite a lot of damage to me.

That’s a very extreme and unusual reaction though. Most people will read it as intended: which is if you are a kind and sunny person you will make people want to be around you.

Have you gone off him because you’re péri-menopausal?

That’s pretty normal.

How can a body shape be outing??
Does he look like a triangle?

You are being shallow if this is all this is really about. But I suspect there's probably something off in the relationship in general and you're fixating on his body shape as being the problem when it probably isn't that at all.

I never took that Dahl quote as literal , I think of it in more of a way some people appear attractive to look at but if they are nasty people they become ugly to you and someone white plain can appear beautiful when you know them .