To not like my DH physique anymore

[ShallowAsF]

It hasn't changed since we met so the issue is all mine. He has unusual body shape proportions, which I won't describe here in case it's outing, but I think they are very noticeable.
My issue is I have become obsessed..... I wonder what was I thinking when we got together, why I suppressed my true feelings about his body shape (telling myself at the time it was shallow, and to focus on other more important elements- like personality)... I compare his body shape constantly to others (unfavourably). I wonder if other people notice what I do and judge him and if I'm honest, me. I can see that my children have possibly inherited the same body shape from him, and I'm constantly scanning their peers for evidence that my children have this unusual body shape too, that they are different from peers. I worry that they will be judged somehow, that they will find teen years difficult if others notice and point it out.

This is not normal is it. I'm definitely being unreasonable. No one has ever commented on DH body shape to me. My DH does not have a problem with how he looks whatsoever . It's not a health issue - purely bone structure and proportions. The issue is all me. I've turned judgy and shallow and am probably projecting my feelings onto others.

I don't know what I'm expecting from Mumsnet. Maybe just somewhere to vent as I'm not going to talk about this in real life. It's exhausting, shallow and I'm a bitch.

A really hairy back with an extremely receding hairline?

Hunchback?

Very stubby fingers?

We need to know if it IS a weird body shape or if you have created a body dysmorphic disorder by proxy. It won't be outing as you possibly are not seeing the reality of the shape. Please reconsider and try describing what you see

What a collection of nasty misandrist body fascists we find on this thread. If you used the same kind of language to describe women's physicality ("Does she have saggy, fried egg tits, OP? That would put me right off.") you would rightly be called misogynists.

Tbh my XDP was similar - he was tall, but skinny and had really lean upper chest but a belly. I didn't fancy him to start with, I just hoped it would grow but I started to find him actually repulsive. I suspect that is in large part due to his controlling and abusive behaviour but his body shape was never one for me.

The majority of men on my recent holiday had moobs. Nobody is perfect , it’s obvious the love has gone and you’re fixating on his body shape as the reason.

When all’s said and done, OP, things could be a lot worse. At least you’re not married to George Osborne and his weird ‘power’ pose.

OP, I agree trying to talk to a health professional about this is a good idea. OCD or externalized body dysmorphia, as suggested by others, might be the issue.
Or you could have simply developed an ick because of something else and now you're seeing the features of your H clearly, when before you tried to suppress the fact that you never liked those in the first place.

That said, I have never liked my body (I am short, very curvy in my youth - now fat - and have a very big head. Both my parents have big heads, but not paired with my short body). I was very relieved that my child has not inherited my body type, but instead looks like my conventionally handsome and well proportioned DH. Conversely, she's inherited some focus issues from him, too, and I wish she hadn't... it's a roll of the dice with children, we want only our best features for them, but we can't pick and choose.

I have very long skinny stick legs and a big round big boob stout body. My husband has stout muscle legs and a longer body. My kids have the best of both of us. I love my husband more now than I did 20 years ago. You have to decide how you truly feel about your husband and give him the option to find someone who doesn’t detest his body if that’s what he chooses to do once he knows your feelings on his physique. If you go on with this charade that is the only shallow thing you are doing. Feeling how you do you can’t change but you can let your husband decide how he feels about you feeling this way about him.

I mean, you're free to think whatever you like about your DP's body shape. I'd be more concerned that you seem to be transferring that dislike onto your children. Children aren't stupid, they know if their parent is ashamed of how they look. It's not good for them.

Even though it’s clearly complete bollocks?

He's 'Buster Gonad' from Viz isn't he? Has to carry his bollocks around in a wheelbarrow? Yes I can see that would get tiresome.

Could you imagine if I man came on here to dicuss his wife's body shape and compare her to others. They would be utter outrage on her behalf. The double standards here is shocking.

You’re missing the point. The point being women end up with men they don’t fancy.
Its not actually about how bodies conform to ideals of attractiveness.
We all know odd looking men and women with partners that adore them and they in return love them back. You don’t care about the fried tit eggs, the moobs or the size of head if you like the person you’re with do you.

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

backtobedforme
I love this ❤️

Even though it’s clearly complete bollocks

Ahhh I bet you are one who has the ugly thoughts

You read the OP and thought ‘I’ll quote the twits to tell her what an awful, ugly personality she is. That’ll show her.’

A woman posts about obsessive, intrusive thoughts that are causing problems in her life. She clearly feels dreadful about it.

But, rather than suggesting she maybe see her GP and seek mental health treatment, you decided the best thing was to tell her she’s ugly for having thoughts she’s already ashamed of and upset about.

Aren’t you lovely?

How do you feel about your own looks OP? I wonder if you are feeling resentful that your husband's (to you) inferior genes are messing with seeing yourself in your kids? It's normal (although not right) as kids get older to want to see them look and do as we do, especially in the areas we like about themselves. Or is there other things you don't like about your husband - maybe you resent or don't respect him? - that can easily translate into wider dislike and disdain. I think it's worth exploring the underlying feelings you have that may cause this hyperfocus on your husband's look.

Either way, I agree with others, you need to find a way to deal with this to not transfer issues onto your kids.

Has something changed? Was he not like this when you met and married?

The OP has already said the problem is hers. What use does this post add @CarpetSlipper ?

"Rectangle, oval, triangle, inverted triangle, and trapezoid are the 5 male body shapes. Each one is based on the general shape of your torso and focuses on the proportions of your shoulders, waist, and hips. Knowing your body shape can make shopping for clothes easier, but don't let your body shape define who you are!"

There are 5 types. I think that saying which one he falls into won't be outing since there will be millions of others in the same group. You don't fancy him anymore, it happens. It happens to men too and they would get a really rough ride when they say it. But can happen when love is based on looks rather than other charateristics.

@ShallowAsF I do think it’s definitely worth seeing your GP. That you’re worrying about your children in the same way suggests it’s not just a relationship problem and is probably a mental health issue. You don’t have to feel like this.

If it were just you feeling this way about your husband, and came with generally feeling disillusioned and disappointed in the relationship, then it probably would be ‘the ick’. But that probably wouldn’t transfer to your children.

My STBXH has noticeably unusual body proportions too (he’s very short, with a really long torso and short arms and legs; he overcompensates for his shortness - which he has a huge chip on his shoulder about - by going to the gym loads, which makes his arms look even shorter). It never bothered me in the least because I liked him - found him attractive even. But as he’s been more and more horrible to me, I’ve come to find his proportions a bit repulsive. But that’s not really about his proportions; it’s just a generalisation of my feelings about his personality.

My youngest son is built like his dad. I don’t worry about him or think he looks (or will look) unattractive. I think he’s adorable. That also reinforces my conclusion that how I now feel about my pint size, egotistic, pain in the arse STBXH is not really about his size or shape in the least. It’s him. And it’s not an obsession. It’s more that I look at him and think ‘what was I thinking?’ because he’s being so difficult and awful.

In your case, though, it sounds like it’s a manifestation of your mental health. And you don’t have to feel this way.

This has hit the nail.

OP, there's a couple of things you should know about how a passing unimportant thought becomes an obsession - it's about the attention we pay to it and the thinking behaviours we do.
My guess is that when you thought about your kids inheriting it, your brain suddenly worried more about it as a threat, and as our brains are built to pay attention to threat, it suddenly shifted your focus onto it. Of course, it's not an actual threat - your DH has done just fine and so will your kids (your obsession is the only actual threat to them here, so tackle that).

1. The more you look, the more you will see a flaw. Note down on a chart how often you 'check' your DH or DC appearance for this problem (make yourself really aware you are doing it, without initially trying to stop it).
2. Then choose a neutral aspect of him and them to shift your attention onto (he's wearing a blue shirt, they have a lovely smile). Whenever you notice you are 'checking' for the flaw, shift your attention to the neutral things instead. Find ways to cut down the checking - if you surreptitiously stand behind him to look, stop doing so, if you do it more in the morning, try to only do it in the afternoon, if you do it ten times a day, limit yourself to once. Notice what happens to the worry when you check less.
3. Shift the focus from the detail to the whole. When you look at your DH or DC, instead of zooming in on it, describe their whole appearance to yourself using only positive or neutral terms 'nice brown hair, dreamy blue eyes, stubble, medium waist' (no negative or pejorative terms, but factual is ok).

This is what body dysmorphia is like, except you have it about him. Follow the instructions and see what happens to the problem - get focussing on the right things again. Like other pps, I guess this is also having a function for you of shifting your focus from other life problems. Don't worry about that yet.

He has unusual body shape proportions, which I won't describe here in case it's outing

Oh come on.

This is a clue that it’s the OP’s thought processes that are out of whack.

We know it won’t be outing. Any more than my more specific description of my STBXH is outing. No one is going to read it and think: ‘oh. That’s Sarah from number 27 complaining about Mark. (He is a dick).’

But in the OP’s head, her obsessive thoughts have built it up to where she thinks that if she describes him as having wide hips or whatever it’ll be recognisable because it’s so unusual. It won’t be. But it feels that way in her head.

I dated somebody with an enormous head and quite inset eyes. Luckily I didn’t have children with him, but I’ve seen the kids he produced and they are not attractive but they are loved and happy souls. I’m sure yours are too, whatever shape they are