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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm paying all the bills

202 replies

Chickenwings85 · 10/07/2023 14:54

I'm currently paying all the household bills plus car bills - tax, insurance, petrol. We have one car that we share between us. I have very little left once everything is paid.
My husband is saving for a motorbike, and every spare penny he gets goes into his new bike fund. He has very little bills to pay and has much more left over than I do. I did suggest that he could contribute to bills and the rest goes into his bike savings but he just mumbled something and that was that.
With me being the one paying for absolutely everything, it's really starting to depress me. I would love to have money left over to be able to treat myself to something without having to scrimp and scrape. I don't remember the last time I treated myself to anything.
We have children together, and their needs for clothing, trips, school essentials, and any other extras all fall on me.
Should I talk to him about it, he will sulk for days on end and make the household unbearable.

Am I out of order to think his behaviour is totally selfish? And he needs to grow up and fast.

OP posts:
FlipFlop1987 · 12/07/2023 10:56

He isn’t a husband or a father, he’s a freeloader

Shadylady52 · 12/07/2023 11:08

Pack his bags. You don't need this man child. Send him to his mummy. Make sure he doesn't take the car you are paying for. If car is in his name send form away get in your name. He can buy a car from his bike fund. Keep the house for you n kids you will be a lot better off

Pearlsaminga · 12/07/2023 11:44

Send him to his mummy
Don't be silly, she won't want him, why should she have to put up with him?

northernbeee · 12/07/2023 13:02

Do you have access to this bike fund? You need to be removing half if so, but I suspect its in his own account. You need to stop paying for everything and get your husband to actually start acting like a husband/father.

Madamum18 · 12/07/2023 14:22

Unbelievable! He is a selfish git and not taking responsibility for HIS family commitments alongside you. It is supposed to be a partnership not a ruddy free live the life of Riley model!!

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 12/07/2023 15:12

wutheringkites · 12/07/2023 10:16

@VeterinaryCareAssistant

Why is splitting disposable income 50:50 'insane'?

This is actually a very fair way of managing money, especially if there are kids involved as one parent's work normally takes a hit

Because the higher earner loses so much of their money.

Childcare and food shopping should be included as bills just like mortgage/rent, gas and electric etc.

Each person pays 50/50 for the bills and then the rest of their earnings is theirs. If that means one person ends up with £1000 and the other ends up with £100 that's how it is. Otherwise it penalises the higher earner for getting a better job.

That's how I see it anyway, I'd feel resentful if I was the higher earner (which I'm not).

G5000 · 12/07/2023 15:18

Each person pays 50/50 for the bills and then the rest of their earnings is theirs. If that means one person ends up with £1000 and the other ends up with £100 that's how it is. Otherwise it penalises the higher earner for getting a better job.

Fair enough if we are talking about 2 childless people where one just doesn't want to work more or aim for a better paid job. If you're a family and lower earner is earning less due to taking care of joint children, how is it fair?

wutheringkites · 12/07/2023 15:19

@VeterinaryCareAssistant

Are you the lower earner in a household managing money like this?

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 12/07/2023 15:26

@wutheringkites

Yes, I earn less than my partner. He always has more 'fun' money than me.

wutheringkites · 12/07/2023 15:32

@VeterinaryCareAssistant

If you are happy with that set up then fine, but the fact that other couples share their money equally is not 'insane'.

In my opinion, when you get to the point of having kids with someone, having a large disparity in disposable income is almost always unfair.

I'm currently the higher earner in my household but it switches every few years or so. If I had £1k of disposable income a month and my partner had £100, I'd feel like a right selfish cunt.

Still each to their own. Smile

G5000 · 12/07/2023 15:35

I'm the higher earner by a mile. So I could go shop in Gucci and DH should stick to H&M? I can stay in a nice hotel but he can only afford camping, tough luck? How does that work?

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 12/07/2023 16:22

@G5000 yes you could shop in Gucci with your own money.

In my situation if we wanted to go to a hotel then my partner probably would pay, but I'd be expected to pay for the meals out.

Quartz2208 · 12/07/2023 16:35

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 12/07/2023 16:22

@G5000 yes you could shop in Gucci with your own money.

In my situation if we wanted to go to a hotel then my partner probably would pay, but I'd be expected to pay for the meals out.

For a lot of couples though own becomes our - we are partners he earns more because I take the slack with kids/house/admin

i find you paying 50/50 and being the lower earner insane is everything (childcare/chores) split the same

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 12/07/2023 17:34

@Quartz2208 no because my children are not his, although he used to do the school run when they were at primary school.

Chores are mainly mine but he cooks every day. I refuse to cook.

Quartz2208 · 12/07/2023 17:38

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 12/07/2023 17:34

@Quartz2208 no because my children are not his, although he used to do the school run when they were at primary school.

Chores are mainly mine but he cooks every day. I refuse to cook.

So why are finances 50/50 but not chores.

shouldnt everything be 50/50 or done proportionally. How come he gets to just cook and keep all of his money. That isn’t a partnership

pphammer · 12/07/2023 18:10

YABU if you continue to accept a relationship where one puts everything and the other pretty much nothing.

petmad · 12/07/2023 19:10

Im sorry but get youre big girl pants on bills should be split 50/50 thats food, clothing for youre children and his. food etc Dose he think things are free grow on trees he eats food uses gas and electric water has use of of a car Husband should be ashamed of himself. do a income and expenditure spreadsheet 1 for you what you pay and one for him what he pays he needs to change or this situation will stay the same

Pipsquiggle · 12/07/2023 19:27

@Chickenwings85

Any thoughts/ reflections?

G5000 · 13/07/2023 08:11

yes you could shop in Gucci with your own money.

If we were room-mates. Or childless and one partner just chose a lower paid job to have more free time, I guess I might see it differently. But I would not consider it fair if we are a family.

Bonbon21 · 13/07/2023 12:26

@VeterinaryCareAssistant .. a man should absolutely NOT just be there to give a woman babies... but in the OP's case he is really not contributing anything else is he?
Nothing that she could not manage herself given the headspace and freedom to do so, without the aggro in her life that this eejit IS providing!

Original poster
Chickenwings85 · 17/07/2023 01:02

Thanks for your replies. It's good to know that I'm not out of order for feeling annoyed at my situation.
Over the weekend, I wrote out every single thing I pay for and then with an end balance, which really isn't much at all, probably enough to buy a KFC bargain bucket once a month.
I happened to leave it out, and he asked me what it was, so I explained. He didn't like it, but he was also mortified, seeing it in black and white.
We have now agreed that he HAS to help with the bills, and anything that's left over gets divided in half, so we both have "fun money" at the end of the month. What we do with it is up to us. He said he's going to use some of his for his bike fund still, which is fair enough, and I don't mind.
I now have money to actually be able to have more than one KFC bargain bucket in a month if I wanted too.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 17/07/2023 01:04

That's brilliant @Chickenwings85. Well done.

Slowandwobbly · 17/07/2023 01:34

OP, so you have sorted out the bills going forwards which is good, but what about the past.

Over what period was your partner not pulling his weight financially? Have you discussed the return to you of part of his motorbike fund to compensate for the time you were paying all the bills and had no money for yourself? Only when he does that will things be fair.

P1ckledonionz · 17/07/2023 04:21

Slowandwobbly · 17/07/2023 01:34

OP, so you have sorted out the bills going forwards which is good, but what about the past.

Over what period was your partner not pulling his weight financially? Have you discussed the return to you of part of his motorbike fund to compensate for the time you were paying all the bills and had no money for yourself? Only when he does that will things be fair.

100% this.

custardcreme77 · 17/07/2023 04:49

OP - whilst you have struggled and worried about money issues - has your OH now earmarked all the money he’s squirrelled away in the savings account towards his bike fund? Or does he have a separate bike fund account? You need to know exactly what’s in the accumulated savings account and it should now be transferred into a joint account.