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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm paying all the bills

202 replies

Chickenwings85 · 10/07/2023 14:54

I'm currently paying all the household bills plus car bills - tax, insurance, petrol. We have one car that we share between us. I have very little left once everything is paid.
My husband is saving for a motorbike, and every spare penny he gets goes into his new bike fund. He has very little bills to pay and has much more left over than I do. I did suggest that he could contribute to bills and the rest goes into his bike savings but he just mumbled something and that was that.
With me being the one paying for absolutely everything, it's really starting to depress me. I would love to have money left over to be able to treat myself to something without having to scrimp and scrape. I don't remember the last time I treated myself to anything.
We have children together, and their needs for clothing, trips, school essentials, and any other extras all fall on me.
Should I talk to him about it, he will sulk for days on end and make the household unbearable.

Am I out of order to think his behaviour is totally selfish? And he needs to grow up and fast.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 10/07/2023 15:21

Fucking hell, I can't believe what I'm reading. That would be the end for me. You don't need him as you're paying for everything already. You'd be financially better off actually. He would have to pay maintenance for the children too. Who does he think he is?

QforCucumber · 10/07/2023 15:21

How does he think this is ok? What happens if you stop paying for the car taxes and fuel and for his food? If he can do that, why can't you?

wutheringkites · 10/07/2023 15:22

How much had he saved op? If he's not paying for any bills, surely he must have quite a lot? How long has this been going on for?

FromNowOn23 · 10/07/2023 15:22

So what’s his contribution to the family as a father?

moggiek · 10/07/2023 15:22

This is financial abuse, and he’s obviously very good at it. His technique is to use emotional abuse to facilitate it, so an all round manipulator.

Bumble84 · 10/07/2023 15:23

You would literally be better off without him financially. One less mouth to feed and you would (hopefully) get child maintenance.

I wouldn’t want any of my friends to live like this, he sounds awful.

EvilElsa · 10/07/2023 15:24

Why on earth are you standing for this shit?! There have been so many posts recently about partners who are just utter shit. Selfish, mean, tight, greedy...it's so upsetting to see posters putting up with this treatment like they are not worth 100 times better.
OP, he's a twat. There's no justifiable reason for him not paying his share. It's a disgrace that he won't even contribute towards his own children. I'm surprised you can even look at him to be honest. I've got the major ick even thinking about it.

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 10/07/2023 15:24

Well at least you know you can afford for him to leave. You'll be better off in fact, as your bills reduce and he'll have to pay you maintenance. He'll have to whistle for his new bike then!

Crumpleton · 10/07/2023 15:28

This really is a case of why are you with this man and what on earth possess him to even think that he doesn't have to contribute to the household finances.

Has this been the same since you have been together?

When you say "every spare penny" does he pay out for any household/other bills?

Would you be happier being on your own with your DC

In all seriousness he's having far to much say for someone that contributes so little.

Hibiscrubbed · 10/07/2023 15:29

Sorry, WHAT?

The cunt doesn’t contribute at all towards household costs???????

CoffeeBeansGalore · 10/07/2023 15:30

Time to put it in black & white. Write down all the monthly bills including food, uniforms, all kids expenses, money for hair cuts, emergency fund for breakdowns etc.
Add it all up. Divide by two.
This is what WE need to pay each. That way we both have money to do with as we please and it is fair.
He can still save towards his bike without being a selfish arsehole.

It may also be worth looking up how much he would have to pay in maintenance if you split. This figure may make him realise what a good deal you are offering.

Good luck Op. He needs a wake up call & you deserve more.

underneaththeash · 10/07/2023 15:32

So he sulks....
Write down all the bills and say that he needs to pay half of them. Stop paying for his car insurance for a start and anything else that's just his.

Ratatouee · 10/07/2023 15:32

What a selfish, controlling arsehole! You’re working your backside off to pay for everything for the whole family, by yourself? He’s a freeloader. Like others have said, you’d be financially better off dumping him and living independently/claiming child maintenance from him. It’s totally not fair that you don’t get any money to spare to treat yourself every now and then. Confront him. Like the other poster said-don’t let him mumble avoidant crap. Ask him direct, closed questions and TELL him ‘this is how it’s going to be from now on’ re: bills are all 50/50 for family expenses. He’s a CF isn’t he? Time for this selfish manchild to grow up and act like a ‘partner’ for you, rather than acting like he’s still living at home as a teenager with no financial responsibilities…

ginandlemonade23 · 10/07/2023 15:32

Why have you allowed this situation to come about? He cannot just opt out of paying family bills to fund a treat for him

LighthouseCat · 10/07/2023 15:33

OP you know this isn't right and if it isn't sorted your resentment (which is 100% justified) will only grow. The only thing to do, though I know it's hard, is to have a very frank conversation with him where you lay out two options: 1. Make all finances shared and fair with equal (or possibly proportional) contribution to bills, childcare, food, holidays etc. 2. He leaves. He is absolutely taking you for a mug and you have to make it clear this is no longer acceptable.

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/07/2023 15:35

Remind him he’ll have considerably less money for his bike find if he’s having to house, feed and clothe himself and pay maintenance for his kids. I couldn’t live with someone so selfish and immature. How does he think the household runs without him contributing.

You’ve married a man child, only you know if he’s likely to change but given you’re doing it all alone already, it won’t be much of a loss if he’s not there any more.

maybebalancing · 10/07/2023 15:36

You must know he is being financially abusive if he is genuinely not paying for anything?
You would be wealthier without him, that makes no sense.

Why would he imagine that this was okay?

TreadLight · 10/07/2023 15:37

Who is the higher earner. In my family, I am the higher earner. Both salaries go into the pot, all bills and household expenses are paid and the the remaining is split 50:50 to do with as we want. My OH near enough gets back the money she put in and I pay all the bills.

Crunchymum · 10/07/2023 15:38

Just to clarify @Chickenwings85 that he pays nothing at all? Nothing?

How has it got to the point? Does he work?

Quartz2208 · 10/07/2023 15:39

You are married so the savings are both of yours.

get legal advice and get him to leave

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 10/07/2023 15:39

I cannot comprehend how and why this has been allowed to happen. This is madness!

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/07/2023 15:40

I did suggest that he could contribute to bills and the rest goes into his bike savings but he just mumbled something and that was that.

And therein lies your problem. Suggesting he could rather than explaining that the privilege of living in your home comes with the responsibility of contributing financially to the running of the house and family needs. If he doesn’t want to do that he can find somewhere else to live. Your life should be easier with a partner, you should be financially better off (because it’s cheaper to house two adults with an income). He’s taking the piss and you’re letting him.

HanSB · 10/07/2023 15:41

He is beyond selfish, he is abusive. He's willing to let you and your children suffer for him to have a luxury of a bike. Don't waste your life with this man who does not respect you or your children. You will be better off financially without him. I really cannot comprehend how this situation happened in the first place.

Naunet · 10/07/2023 15:41

What the actual fuck?!! This is outrageous, stop immediately and tell him he’s a grown fucking man with children and he needs to either start acting like it or go back home to mummy.

category12 · 10/07/2023 15:45

What on earth?

You'd be better off splitting up and having him pay child support if he's PAYE. Cheeky bastard.

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