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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm paying all the bills

202 replies

Chickenwings85 · 10/07/2023 14:54

I'm currently paying all the household bills plus car bills - tax, insurance, petrol. We have one car that we share between us. I have very little left once everything is paid.
My husband is saving for a motorbike, and every spare penny he gets goes into his new bike fund. He has very little bills to pay and has much more left over than I do. I did suggest that he could contribute to bills and the rest goes into his bike savings but he just mumbled something and that was that.
With me being the one paying for absolutely everything, it's really starting to depress me. I would love to have money left over to be able to treat myself to something without having to scrimp and scrape. I don't remember the last time I treated myself to anything.
We have children together, and their needs for clothing, trips, school essentials, and any other extras all fall on me.
Should I talk to him about it, he will sulk for days on end and make the household unbearable.

Am I out of order to think his behaviour is totally selfish? And he needs to grow up and fast.

OP posts:
Plantsarelife · 10/07/2023 17:02

Sorry OP but he sounds like a self-centred man child and I'd not put up with it for a second if it was me. If he had the audacity to sulk about being confronted with his adult responsibilities I'd be packing him back off to his real Mummy. A "motor bike fund" when his kids need things and his wife pays all the household bills - what is he having some kind of mid life crisis?

JJ8765 · 10/07/2023 17:03

It’s actually easy to end up in this situation as usually they pay their share initially but don’t adjust it when children come along or as in my experience quit their job and go self employed where you have no way of knowing what they are earning - yes they have to do tax returns but not until months after the tax year ends which can be 18+ months after it was earned. Obviously this is an extreme example but many men don’t see the nursery fees as their responsibility or take their kids school uniform shopping or do the Xmas present shopping and it’s easy for this to fall to one parent.

CrystalPalace1 · 10/07/2023 17:03

This is embarrassing tbh.

Ep1cfail · 10/07/2023 17:04

Is he working FT or PT. Is his income higher or lower than yours? Is he contributing anything? What exactly does he doing to the table?

G5000 · 10/07/2023 17:15

What do you mean by 'He has very little bills to pay' at the same time when you pay for everything? How have you shared your bills then? And yes of course kids' expenses are joint expenses, they are not your private hobby.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2023 17:19

Kick his arse out or leave yourself (with DC, of course). You're already supporting the house so you know you can afford it, and you'd have less expenses to pay without paying for his share of food, utilities he uses, his bills, what ever it is he expects you to buy for him, etc. Plus I think (I'm not in the UK so can't swear) you'd pay less council tax as a single person.

Another 'option' would be to announce that you will only be sending half payments for rent and utilities from now on and if you get evicted, your utilities get shut off, etc it will be HIS fault, not yours. AND that henceforward you will only be paying your personal bills and buying food for yourself and DC and will only put enough petrol in the car for your own personal use. If the car is NOT in your name tell him you're not paying for it, if it's in both names you're paying half. This is pretty 'nuclear' and frankly, I'd think it'd be easier just to leave and stick him with all the bills. Oh, and take the car if your name is on it.

Obvs, if you are buying your home things are more complicated as defaulting on a mortgage is a pretty serious thing!

agent765 · 10/07/2023 17:25

He's a selfish prick.

I'm an ex-biker so knowing the odds, I'd be tempted to add a life insurance policy on him as a lot of older bikers have fatal accidents.

Sorry if that's blunt but it's common sense to protect yourself and your family seeing as he's hell-bent on destroying it one way or another.

I'd be asking him how long he'd be expecting to stay away from the family home while playing with his new toy, too, as it's not just paying for the bike. He'll be needing kit, fuel, insurance and time for it.

Totally selfish prick.

MrsMarzetti · 10/07/2023 17:26

Why on earth are you putting up with this ? Is your whole relationship unbalanced ? You either talk to him and sort it out or you go sperate ways.

snufkinhat · 10/07/2023 17:34

If you're married then 'his' bike money is your money as well.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 10/07/2023 17:37

You'd be better off in so many ways by asking him to leave
Start by asking yourself what he actually contributes to Family life

user1471538283 · 10/07/2023 17:37

So really you are supporting another child? He deliberately mades life uncomfortable when you mention the bills to train you not to. He can then continue saving.

What kind of man doesn't provide for his own DC?

I'd tell him that from now on he either pays half (regardless of how much he earns) it you split up. He can pay all his bills then.

Pipsquiggle · 10/07/2023 17:38

Just to add he is financially controlling this relationship which is abusive. I'll say it again - he's a twat

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 10/07/2023 17:46

Yes you need to sit down and have a proper conversation with him about it.

You need to know your income, his income and all expenses - mortgage, utilities, subscriptions, childcare (including holiday care), insurances, groceries, savings for Xmas/birthdays etc, savings for slush fund like boiler breaking, maintenance costs like haircuts, clothing ....

Then you say total cost per month is xx.

You can then choose a couple of different ways based on how you and he want to run it.

Proportionally so if he earns £2k a month and you earn £1k he would cover 2/3s of the expenses, you 1/3. Problem with this is if there's a big difference in pay the person getting paid more will still end up potentially a lot better off for fun money.

Or

All in 1 pot - so total income is £3k, total outgoings is £2k there's £1k left over so you get £500 each.

Keykat · 10/07/2023 17:54

I don't mean to judge you or make you feel awful, however it seems to me that you drifted into this situation until it has become too much for you now. Is this the first time you have discussed (seriously I mean) the way your finances operate, or have you just paid for everything to keep the peace?

I am sorry to say it, but I don't think there is any point in doing mathematics, divisions, equations and all the rest of it. This man has a single life in a marital/family household and is not going to give that up unless you take things to separation/divorce.

It is possible that he may listen to reason and see the light, but honestly if he hasn't up to now, that is very unlikely. Cut and run would be my advice, otherwise you will never be able to live a decent life for yourself or your children with a person like that in the household.

It is not easy, and to answer your question, no of course you are not out of order to challenge him. But I'm not sure how successful you will be in getting him to pay his fair share if you do.

Bonbon21 · 10/07/2023 17:56

Well now you have the kids, what do you actually need him for??

Pearlsaminga · 10/07/2023 17:57

dont waste your breath trying to talk to him, make a plan and exit the relationship.
He'll be happy with his true love the motorbike and you can get a better life for you and the children.

Badger1970 · 10/07/2023 18:04

The PP who said he's a single man in a family household hit the nail on the head.

caringcarer · 10/07/2023 18:07

You have a cock lodger problem. He's an adult he should be paying 50 percent of all bills. Pull him up on it now or you will have a lifetime of misery with him. I can never understand why a woman would go along with this arrangement in the first place.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 10/07/2023 18:13

I wouldn't be asking him to contribute, I'd be telling him to leave and close the door behind him.

No chance would I be funding his life choices so he can save for a motorbike.

SunglassesAtMidnight · 10/07/2023 20:04

So you're paying the mortgage and all bills? Ridiculous. Why stand for this? Tell him he pays his half or kick him out.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 10/07/2023 20:10

Perhaps he will save up his pocket money for a new teddy next and he can spend evenings talking to teddy instead of you because surely he will have been redirected or moved on.

DeeCeeCherry · 10/07/2023 20:18

Tbh I wonder if you played The Hero when you met him "oh it's ok I'll sort the bills" and this is the result of him continuing to let you do so, since that's what you offered.

I know someone in a similar position but she was quick to tell the guy that she has her own money ,can pay her own way. Which she does, but she also wants to bend her friends' ears about him never paying for anything. As if there comes a time when suddenly he steps up and magically becomes the caring and sharing man he never was. That may happen in story books but it's not reflective of real life

Anyway the obvious answer is to leave. If not, it's shut up and put up -there's no in between

Coralsunset · 10/07/2023 20:38

Bonbon21 · 10/07/2023 17:56

Well now you have the kids, what do you actually need him for??

I quite often find myself thinking this…

SunglassesAtMidnight · 10/07/2023 20:56

I know someone in a similar position but she was quick to tell the guy that she has her own money ,can pay her own way. Which she does, but she also wants to bend her friends' ears about him never paying for anything

Huh? There's a huge difference between paying your own way - as any adult should - and scrounging off someone else and expecting them to pay their "own way" and yours!!

SunglassesAtMidnight · 10/07/2023 20:58

Like your friend was wrong for making it clear she is financially independent. Confused That isn't a licence for cocklodgers and parasites. It's setting a clear expectation that you pay your own way and expect financial independence from them as well.

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