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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm paying all the bills

202 replies

Chickenwings85 · 10/07/2023 14:54

I'm currently paying all the household bills plus car bills - tax, insurance, petrol. We have one car that we share between us. I have very little left once everything is paid.
My husband is saving for a motorbike, and every spare penny he gets goes into his new bike fund. He has very little bills to pay and has much more left over than I do. I did suggest that he could contribute to bills and the rest goes into his bike savings but he just mumbled something and that was that.
With me being the one paying for absolutely everything, it's really starting to depress me. I would love to have money left over to be able to treat myself to something without having to scrimp and scrape. I don't remember the last time I treated myself to anything.
We have children together, and their needs for clothing, trips, school essentials, and any other extras all fall on me.
Should I talk to him about it, he will sulk for days on end and make the household unbearable.

Am I out of order to think his behaviour is totally selfish? And he needs to grow up and fast.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 10/07/2023 21:03

I'm expecting a post saying he's a 'good dad' because that's usual on these threads.

You'll be better off without him and claiming maintenance from him.

yipeeyiyay · 10/07/2023 22:37

Oh ffs kick him out. He's costing you money. He's saving off the back of you paying for him. He's never going to change

Juststopamoment · 11/07/2023 17:53

Who is paying the mortgage?

AnnieSnap · 11/07/2023 18:18

Why have you allowed this situation to develop @Chickenwings85 ? Genuine question. Think about how you came to be in this situation. He is exploiting your willingness to pay for everything, whilst he acts like a boy living with his parents - paying nothing to the upkeep of the home, being provided with a car to drive at no cost to himself and keeping everything he earns for himself! He is a waster to be willing to take advantage like this, but why do you do it? This situation has developed between the two if you. You can’t force him to change his approach to life, but you can change your own behaviours!

Throwawaygh · 11/07/2023 18:31

I had this. Told him if he didn’t start contributing he could move out or I would. He now pays a standing order into my bank every month. Although, he hasn’t upped it in the cost of living crisis so we’re currently in a stand off about him needing to up it.

anastaisia · 11/07/2023 18:33

If there is some missing info like actually he is disabled or the stay at home parent to your really young children which allows you to be a high earner who can afford to cover all the family bills and the only money he has to to save is actually just child benefit and nothing else then there’s a very slight possibility that the money situation could be reasonable.

But even if that was the case - just refusing to discuss it with you if the balance has changed and doesn’t feel fair still wouldn’t be okay.

And since you would probably have mentioned significant details like that then it’s very very unfair!

Petlover9 · 11/07/2023 18:36

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 10/07/2023 14:58

And you are putting up with this why?

Agree with this ^^ What is in this relationship for you ? Start by cutting back on his food and let him know that you have no money left for school trips, I would start making plans to try and get rid of him - him and his motorbike fund

LaDamaDeElche · 11/07/2023 18:40

Chickenwings85 · 10/07/2023 15:07

I forgot to add that he sold his last bike to kick-start his bike fund. He has plenty of cash in his bike fund, but I'm left with a pittance, and I'm constantly worrying about money and how I'm going to afford everything without him dipping into his pocket to help.
I know what I need to do, I don't have anyone to talk to about it, which is why I'm here.
I'm so annoyed with him, myself, and the situation.

The good thing is that as you're paying for everything already, you can kick him out no problem as you'll be better off. One less person to feed and hike up the bills.

PoshHorseyBird · 11/07/2023 18:42

I'd just tell him that due to the fact he refuses to contribute to the house and keeps all his money for himself, he needs to move out. Tell him you can't afford to keep him anymore. He can sulk all he likes! But he needs to go. You know you can afford to pay for everything, in fact it'll probably be a bit cheaper for you as you wont be buying him food/ have him using electricity etc. Hes utterly selfish.

JudgeRudy · 11/07/2023 18:44

Chickenwings85 · 10/07/2023 14:54

I'm currently paying all the household bills plus car bills - tax, insurance, petrol. We have one car that we share between us. I have very little left once everything is paid.
My husband is saving for a motorbike, and every spare penny he gets goes into his new bike fund. He has very little bills to pay and has much more left over than I do. I did suggest that he could contribute to bills and the rest goes into his bike savings but he just mumbled something and that was that.
With me being the one paying for absolutely everything, it's really starting to depress me. I would love to have money left over to be able to treat myself to something without having to scrimp and scrape. I don't remember the last time I treated myself to anything.
We have children together, and their needs for clothing, trips, school essentials, and any other extras all fall on me.
Should I talk to him about it, he will sulk for days on end and make the household unbearable.

Am I out of order to think his behaviour is totally selfish? And he needs to grow up and fast.

I think you're out of order to think he's going to change if you continue accept it. I mean, why would he.
What value does he add to your life?

MamskiBell · 11/07/2023 18:51

I think you full well know the answer to this don't you. You don't need Mumsnet to tell you the answer.

doodleZ1 · 11/07/2023 18:54

If hes saving for a new bike OP, did he contribute before this bike was on his wish list? Has he ever contributed fairly?

TrustyRusty68 · 11/07/2023 18:57

I’m completely confused! Why isn’t he contributing towards the house he lives in, the bills in his house, the food he eats? He’s a grown man (not a teenager) & you’re supposed to be a partnership. Sorry to say, but he’s taking the mickey!! Quite frankly, he needs to pay his share or go and sponge off someone else! In our house, all money goes into one account & is shared for everything, regardless of who earns what. It’s not fair that you’re struggling - & he needs to step up!!

ShinyCaptain · 11/07/2023 18:58

You absolute mug.

ScarlettSunset · 11/07/2023 18:58

I was in this situation once. He had a spell of unemployment where he couldn't really contribute, but then when he got back to work he said he needed to get enough behind him to make sure he could afford car repairs to be able to get to work. And after that it was something else. Then something else again.
I waited far too long hoping for an improvement that never came. Eventually I kicked him out and then found I was far better off financially. I have never once regretted it. I was also able to prove I'd paid for everything even though he'd been earning similarly and he didn't get anything off me in the divorce either, though he caused it to drag out for ages.

PurpleButterflyWings · 11/07/2023 19:02

You KNOW this is not OK @Chickenwings85

Leave him.

Toomuchfun · 11/07/2023 19:05

Has it always been this way or did DH cover all bills for a time?

GingerNutMe · 11/07/2023 19:10

You need to talk to him about the situation although I appreciate its clearly not a conversation your comfortable having. Consider making a list of all the expenditures over the past 12 months and colour code them as to who funded that expense - visual impact works well to make a point. Put a total of the expenses per colour.

I'm guessing that you most likely earn more than him but consider the 'spare' cash as a percentage of income. Is his motorbike an essential - I'm guessing not as it sounds like he's managing fine without one in terms of work etc. In which case his motorbike fund comes from his spare money and not the family money.

LivelyBlake · 11/07/2023 19:14

I'd cancel a couple of direct debits where his name is on the account and pass the details on to him for him to set up new ones.

1037370E · 11/07/2023 19:19

I am actually lost for words - this is ridiculous! This isn't a marriage. How do you even get to a situation where you are paying for everything meanwhile his money is his. The fact that you are even asking if you ABU is even more ridiculous. You know this isn't right, you must do? I'm not usually in the LTB camp, and I don't say this lightly but seriously, you might as well be a single mother.

karakchai · 11/07/2023 19:24

ShinyCaptain · 11/07/2023 18:58

You absolute mug.

This!

CallieG · 11/07/2023 19:28

Your husband Should be paying 50% of all the household expenses. His midlife crisis toy has to wait . You shouldn’t let him bully you & walk all over you. Time for counselling or a divorce

thecatsthecats · 11/07/2023 19:38

Wishitsnows · 10/07/2023 15:01

Why are you putting up with this? I don’t understand why he is not putting his children first before a motorbike. This sounds financially abusive. If you stopped paying bills and when he asked you about it would you get away with just mumbling something then it getting left at that?

Forget the kids, why isn't he putting his WIFE first before a motorbike?

She's the one left ragged by the whole thing.

CheeseSauce · 11/07/2023 19:39

Op how old are you?
It is school holidays....are you bored?🤔

DreamTheMoors · 11/07/2023 19:40

So he’s gonna have a meltdown and a tizzy and make the household miserable because he won’t get his way?

Poor little put-upon baby.
Time for this one to grow up, put up & shut up.

Give me his #, @Chickenwings85- I’ll be more than happy to tell him that.