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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm paying all the bills

202 replies

Chickenwings85 · 10/07/2023 14:54

I'm currently paying all the household bills plus car bills - tax, insurance, petrol. We have one car that we share between us. I have very little left once everything is paid.
My husband is saving for a motorbike, and every spare penny he gets goes into his new bike fund. He has very little bills to pay and has much more left over than I do. I did suggest that he could contribute to bills and the rest goes into his bike savings but he just mumbled something and that was that.
With me being the one paying for absolutely everything, it's really starting to depress me. I would love to have money left over to be able to treat myself to something without having to scrimp and scrape. I don't remember the last time I treated myself to anything.
We have children together, and their needs for clothing, trips, school essentials, and any other extras all fall on me.
Should I talk to him about it, he will sulk for days on end and make the household unbearable.

Am I out of order to think his behaviour is totally selfish? And he needs to grow up and fast.

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 10/07/2023 16:28

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 10/07/2023 15:24

Well at least you know you can afford for him to leave. You'll be better off in fact, as your bills reduce and he'll have to pay you maintenance. He'll have to whistle for his new bike then!

My thoughts exactly. OP this is not your fault. You know full well you can survive without him- without his bills (food, showers, car insurance etc) you’ll be a couple of hundred pounds a month better off plus he will have to pay maintenance.

So get rid. You can do this alone (well you already are really)

Dullardmullard · 10/07/2023 16:29

Gettingbysomehow · 10/07/2023 16:25

My ex did this, this is why he is my ex.
I won't tolerate this selfishness.
He will have to pay CMA and 50% childcare costs - see how quick that gets him a bike. Ff's.

CMS yes child care costs no unless he actually has them and is working that day

time to lay it on the table and if he mumbles again tell him to leave as you can manage on your own anyways

Tresto · 10/07/2023 16:29

If you have been paying for everything for the past 2 years (for example) it’s now his turn to pay while you save/spend your wages.

This guy sounds like a joke.

why have you not addressed this nonsense? What is stopping you? He cannot justify this unless he says ‘I am a selfish arse who deserves to live off your money’.

Tresto · 10/07/2023 16:30

Also why are you attracted to him?

Beezknees · 10/07/2023 16:31

Gettingbysomehow · 10/07/2023 16:25

My ex did this, this is why he is my ex.
I won't tolerate this selfishness.
He will have to pay CMA and 50% childcare costs - see how quick that gets him a bike. Ff's.

False, there is no legal obligation for him to pay childcare costs and CMS isn't even reliable.

Baffers100 · 10/07/2023 16:33

Similar situation here- we are 36 and 37, been together since 15 and 16. Since then I have paid for;

  • All holidays, even the airport parking, zero contribution from him
  • All christmas presents for the children
  • All birthday presents for the children
  • DIY around the house- new front door, carpets, paint, electrician etc
  • All school uniforms
  • All school clothes
  • Childminder costs
  • Dog walker costs
  • Nursery fees (youngest goes to school next year).

The kids have always been my responsibility and finances have always been an issue through our relationship. We both chuck a grand in to the joint account which covers the mortgage and bills but everything else sits with me. Meanwhile he buys lego, trainers and computer parts or crap off Temu. I'm a parent and home owner and he's a 16 stone man child.

Well...12 years marriage and I have asked for a divorce. In my experience issues like these don't get resolved. If he doesn't pull his socks up it may very well drive you two apart.

I'm sat here unable to say what my husband brings to the table in our marriage, as harsh as that sounds. I've done everything myself always anyway.

Sierra26 · 10/07/2023 16:33

Step 1 is working out what the bills cost, and asking him for either half each month by direct debit or a different % depending on your relative earnings.

Step 2 is telling him this ends here, and he owes you £x going forward.

Step 3 is splitting the mental load of having to manage all of the bills and accounts, as that’s also a huge burden. Unless he’s already managing a part of the household he’s not mentioned.

Let him mumble all he wants - this has to be non negotiable.

Bananalanacake · 10/07/2023 16:34

Does he work
Does he pay towards the rent or mortgage
How long has he been like this.

efw00 · 10/07/2023 16:37

Why does he get to save up to treat himself to a bike and you get nothing? Everything should be equal and fair. He should be contributing to bills, you should both have the same amount for yourselves left over afterwards and whatever he wants to put to his bike fund should come out of that allowance.

hummingbirdsinmygarden · 10/07/2023 16:37

How did you end up in this position? Surely, before you got married you talked about finances and how you're going to split them, especially with kids in the mix? I know it's hard but you need to tell him that this cannot continue and tell him that going forward he's paying 50% of everything, at least.. if he sulks, he sulks.. he's doing it to make things difficult for you so that you'll give in and won't make any demands of him. It's incredibly childish and I can't believe he doesn't think he has any responsibility to provide for his children or contribute to the family bills and budget. You need to stand your ground or you need to ask him to leave..

SiobhanSharpe · 10/07/2023 16:37

This is a whole new level of cocklodging.
It's utterly bizarre that your husband pays nothing whatsoever towards household expenses. How did this come about? Are you a much higher earner or has he been a student or unemployed? Even then he should have contributed something.
It's so massively unfair - start charging him, i.e. giving him actual invoices for buying and preparing his food, for his share of the utilities, everything.
If he still refuses to pay up stop doing anything for him at all, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, the lot.

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 10/07/2023 16:38

Why, oh why have you let it get to this point. I am actually astounded.

SiobhanSharpe · 10/07/2023 16:40

You will actually be better off without him if you get rid of him, OP.

ukgot2pot · 10/07/2023 16:43

Fuck that noise. OP, I had an ex who was like this. Absolute piss taker. Tell him to leave. Twat.

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 16:45

He's got a great deal, OP. Bet he's delighted with his life.

You on the other hand...

Pipsquiggle · 10/07/2023 16:50

What a total dickhead.

Awful, awful selfish behaviour.

Total financial transparency and equal paying of bills and spending money. You need to have this chat ASAP. And it's a 'tell' BTW that he needs to contribute equally, not an 'ask'

Honestly he is such a twat

quietnightmare · 10/07/2023 16:50

So basically he's saving every penny for something for himself while you and your children who are also his children struggle. And then to top it off you can't speak with him about it because he will make the house unbearable.

Sensible option would be to speak to him and him actually listen but that's not going to happen so play him at his own game.

Tell him he needs to pay 'x' amount for the bills etc because you are saving for a holiday for the children/xmas for the children/ generally say to day life for the children etc and then whatever else he has left he can put into his childish motorbike fund. Then if he huffs and puffs then you need to huff and puff too and give him a taste of his own medicine

Bananalanacake · 10/07/2023 16:52

I assume he worked and paid his way when you married and it just got worse.

Coralsunset · 10/07/2023 16:53

He’s taking the piss, and as PP have said, you will probably be better off without him. Not much of a partnership is it?

SideWonder · 10/07/2023 16:54

He's financially abusive.

Stop feeding him any of the meals you cook for the family. Stop doing any of his laundry or anything else that is about his comfort.

LadyJ2023 · 10/07/2023 16:54

Cmon bill versus savings for a motorbike so he must have a canny stash for a golden motorbike by now. Weird other half and you not getting him to contribute towards family living. More like he has a nice stash to leave it doesn't take that much saving for a bike

maddening · 10/07/2023 16:55

Divorce him and take half the bike fund - they are a marital assett after all.

gingerscot · 10/07/2023 16:56

Fucks sake OP, basically he’s using you. YOU’RE buying him the motorbike 😳

maddening · 10/07/2023 16:57

Chickenwings85 · 10/07/2023 15:07

I forgot to add that he sold his last bike to kick-start his bike fund. He has plenty of cash in his bike fund, but I'm left with a pittance, and I'm constantly worrying about money and how I'm going to afford everything without him dipping into his pocket to help.
I know what I need to do, I don't have anyone to talk to about it, which is why I'm here.
I'm so annoyed with him, myself, and the situation.

What does he earn? What does he pay for? How much goes to the bike? How much do you earn and what do you pay for?

Zingys · 10/07/2023 17:01

Author did not specify was it always like this?
why does she allow it?