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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel lazy relaxing at home when DH is here working?

183 replies

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:02

Does anyone else feel like this?

I want to be watching box sets, napping and reading books … but I can hear DH working and it makes me feel I should be working myself.

I know it is probably stupid, but just wondering if I’m alone.

YABU - no I never feel like this.

YANBU - me too!

OP posts:
justcross1966 · 10/07/2023 09:08

I feel a bit guilty as well, however I'm still in bed( I don't work on a Monday and Dc are adults) and he's just brought me a coffee. So perhaps I don't feel that guilty 😂

Coolhwip · 10/07/2023 09:11

It depends on why are you at home?

Are you sick? Are you on annual leave? If kids are school age and you can work, shouldn’t you be working too?

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2023 09:12

No, never feel like this.

towriteyoumustlive · 10/07/2023 09:15

How do you have time to relax!?!

I'm a teacher and Monday is my day off! By "day off", I have 6 hours and 10 minutes whilst the kids are at school where I need to plan all my lessons, do some marking, clean the kitchen, do the laundry, meal plan etc...

I get the odd 5 mins in between jobs to flump.

If you have a booked day of holiday then enjoy!

Original poster
Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:16

Does it though @Coolhwip ? Why? I don’t mean that rudely either, I’m genuinely wondering why bar ill health we ‘should’ be working?

OP posts:
KnickerlessParsons · 10/07/2023 09:17

If I had time to lounge around while my husband was working then I'd feel guilty too.

Sissynova · 10/07/2023 09:18

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:16

Does it though @Coolhwip ? Why? I don’t mean that rudely either, I’m genuinely wondering why bar ill health we ‘should’ be working?

Well if you are fit and healthy it doesn't seem very supportive to be lazing around watching box sets all day while your partner works to financially run the home. Seems pretty obvious.

KnickerlessParsons · 10/07/2023 09:19

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:16

Does it though @Coolhwip ? Why? I don’t mean that rudely either, I’m genuinely wondering why bar ill health we ‘should’ be working?

I'd want to feel I was contributing financially to the household and not living off someone else

Original poster
Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:21

OK, so it is just the money?

OP posts:
Beezknees · 10/07/2023 09:21

It depends on the situation? Are you a SAHP? If so do you do other stuff like housework and childcare? Or do you work and have a day off today? Is your DH happy with whatever set up yoi have?

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 10/07/2023 09:22

My DP is the sort who is constantly on the go during the day, doing repairs, diy etc.

We are both retired and don’t live together (we live quite a long distance apart). When he comes to stay or I stay with him, I find that I feel too guilty to just relax and do nothing as he’s always doing something.

GatherlyGal · 10/07/2023 09:22

But if you don't need to work and don't want to why should you??

I must be missing something but if you can manage on 1 wage and the other person is happy being at home I don't get why there is some obligation to be working.

Sissynova · 10/07/2023 09:23

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:21

OK, so it is just the money?

It isn't just about money though is it?
Wouldn't you feel like it was unfair if you worked (or worked a lot more) than your partner and they had loads of free time to relax while you didn't?

To me that isn't a partnership.

LobsterCrab · 10/07/2023 09:23

Yes, it's the money. If you can work and don't need to be at home (eg to look after small DC or because of I'll health) then it's not fair for your DH to shoulder the full financial burden. As well as risky for you if you split up.

MathiasBroucek · 10/07/2023 09:24

For various unimportant reasons, I generally work harder than DW.

This doesn't bother me but what I would NOT want would be for her to be sitting in a fug of false guilt not enjoying herself!!!

Get going with the box sets!

GatherlyGal · 10/07/2023 09:25

But people get to choose surely?

OP might have a partner earning well and very much enjoying their job.

Original poster
Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:25

@Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight DH can be a bit like that.

I do have a (reasonably!) legit reason but I wondered, in a few years - what if I wanted to retire and DH didn’t? Should I have to keep working when I didn’t want to just to make things ‘fair?’ Or if I wanted more time generally and we could afford this and worked PT, but this would be wrong if DH didn’t want to?

Obviously they are hypothetical questions. I’m not suggesting anyone lies in bed until midday while their partner works to the bone, but equally, I suppose what I’m asking is does the worker have to ‘win’?

OP posts:
Spinet · 10/07/2023 09:26

I'd say this is a private matter. People can bang on about it not being fair, burdens, lazy slatterns, etc, but if both of you are happy with arrangements then do whatever the fuck you like. There is no great moral arbiter in the sky.

On the other hand if DH has expressed that he feels burdened and things are unfair, that's different and then yes yabu unless there's some other factor involved.

burnoutbabe · 10/07/2023 09:28

Me and partner have separate finances. I currently work 1 day a week, I feel no guilt.

I do tend to stay in bedroom though and watch my box sets /play my games there.

Jeansmuddy · 10/07/2023 09:30

I feel like this too. I work less hours than DH and mostly evenings and weekends when everyone else is relaxing and it's "OK" to chill out! I take care of most of the housework, cooking, errands etc but my free time does tend to fall on weekdays when DC are at school and DH is working, and I do find it hard to relax during it.

GOODCAT · 10/07/2023 09:33

My husband will retire before me. I am hoping that he will take on more of the DIY, shopping, housework, cleaning and cooking rather than sharing it pretty fairly as we do now, but I wouldn't expect him to be doing something useful while I was WFH.

We have yet to have this conversation though!

Jigslaw · 10/07/2023 09:35

I'd also feel lazy if I didn't work just because I couldn't be arsed, if it was for another reason then no why would you? I suspect if you do if you're honest with yourself may be something you're considering?

Bullshot · 10/07/2023 09:37

Same.

Me and DH were both at home this weekend with no plans so got on with all the little DIY jobs which needed doing. I ddn't want to/don't have the skills to do all of them so wanted to go and do other things like sitting out in the sunshine and reading my book but felt unable to relax while he was doing this.

Hence am taking today to myself. :)

Nordicrain · 10/07/2023 09:37

To me it matters why.

I would feel the same if DH was carrying the entire financial burden and I was lazying around watching box sets. But I don't like the idea of being a "kept" woman. Tbh your responses sound a little goady so I imagine there'll be some huge drip feed at some point to "shame" all the posters suggesting that it's not 100% fine.

Jigslaw · 10/07/2023 09:37

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:25

@Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight DH can be a bit like that.

I do have a (reasonably!) legit reason but I wondered, in a few years - what if I wanted to retire and DH didn’t? Should I have to keep working when I didn’t want to just to make things ‘fair?’ Or if I wanted more time generally and we could afford this and worked PT, but this would be wrong if DH didn’t want to?

Obviously they are hypothetical questions. I’m not suggesting anyone lies in bed until midday while their partner works to the bone, but equally, I suppose what I’m asking is does the worker have to ‘win’?

It depends I guess, if you're both financially free as in aren't reliant on anyone in the household working then you can surely both do as you please. If you do need the money then it's fairer to have discussions and decide between you how to move forward.