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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel lazy relaxing at home when DH is here working?

183 replies

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:02

Does anyone else feel like this?

I want to be watching box sets, napping and reading books … but I can hear DH working and it makes me feel I should be working myself.

I know it is probably stupid, but just wondering if I’m alone.

YABU - no I never feel like this.

YANBU - me too!

OP posts:
BrendaMcPherson · 10/07/2023 10:01

I retired early from teaching at 55 last year and DH probably won't retire for another 10 years. He WFH 3 days a week and I volunteer a couple of times a week and make sure I do so on the days he's at home so that when he's at the office I can laze about without feeling guilty.

Original poster
Listerntome · 10/07/2023 10:04

@dontbejealousofmyartisticflair i suppose there could be a few ways - inheritance for instance, especially if you inherited property you let out.

Then some people do have to live from benefits either because they are searching for work or can’t work.

Or you might be retired or in receipt of an ill health pension, someone my age is after a stroke when she was only 39 Sad

OP posts:
Theeternalrocksbeneath · 10/07/2023 10:04

OP I understand your feelings of guilt - if it makes you feel better (and gives PP someone else to shout at 😄) I don’t work but my husband works full time. We don’t have children - got a lot of pets that take up much of my time but there’s absolutely no reason for me not to work other than we don’t need me to financially so I guess I’m a housewife. I deal with all the running of the house and generally make life lovely for my husband and the pets - everyone is happy with the arrangement.

But yes, I try not to waft about the house drinking coffee and doing bugger all as even though my husband encourages me to do just that, I do sometimes feel a twinge of guilt. I know how very fortunate I am and certainly have no plans to go back to work, but I do sometimes feel better for at least “looking” busy, even if I’m not!

BrendaMcPherson · 10/07/2023 10:04

Meant to add that we share the finances 50/50. When I was working, I was the higher earner and so it was more like 60/40. I've done my whack.

Original poster
Listerntome · 10/07/2023 10:04

Haha glad it isn’t just me!

Anyway I’ve got him a McDonald’s breakfast so it isn’t all bad having a lazy wife Grin

OP posts:
ALittleBitAlexa · 10/07/2023 10:05

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:55

It wasn’t meant to be goady, I just got sidetracked with the focus on work. I’m older than Dh so might well want to retire earlier and was startled this would make me a lazy bitch Grin

Oh ffs, I'm out. You're on the wind up or being deliberately obtuse. To reach an age and financial position where retirement is an option is a privilege, and has generally been earned through years of work. But tbh, if you were retired and DH was working FT I'd still expect you to be cooking the dinners etc to contribute

MadamWhiteleigh · 10/07/2023 10:06

I’m with you OP.

I work PT and DH works FT. Kids are at school. He earns more than enough so we don’t need more money. If I worked FT, I would insist he take on half the domestic chores, mental load and childcare which I’m sure you’d all agree with. He doesn’t want to deal with all that on top of his long hours and stressful job so our arrangement works for us. There’s no right and wrong, just what works for the couple.

Coolhwip · 10/07/2023 10:07

Theeternalrocksbeneath · 10/07/2023 10:04

OP I understand your feelings of guilt - if it makes you feel better (and gives PP someone else to shout at 😄) I don’t work but my husband works full time. We don’t have children - got a lot of pets that take up much of my time but there’s absolutely no reason for me not to work other than we don’t need me to financially so I guess I’m a housewife. I deal with all the running of the house and generally make life lovely for my husband and the pets - everyone is happy with the arrangement.

But yes, I try not to waft about the house drinking coffee and doing bugger all as even though my husband encourages me to do just that, I do sometimes feel a twinge of guilt. I know how very fortunate I am and certainly have no plans to go back to work, but I do sometimes feel better for at least “looking” busy, even if I’m not!

I think that’s fine if you’r both happy.

There are many threads when someone (usually male) wants to stay at home and also half arses housework and childcare.

That is going to pique people’s sense of fair play.

Jigslaw · 10/07/2023 10:09

Theeternalrocksbeneath · 10/07/2023 10:04

OP I understand your feelings of guilt - if it makes you feel better (and gives PP someone else to shout at 😄) I don’t work but my husband works full time. We don’t have children - got a lot of pets that take up much of my time but there’s absolutely no reason for me not to work other than we don’t need me to financially so I guess I’m a housewife. I deal with all the running of the house and generally make life lovely for my husband and the pets - everyone is happy with the arrangement.

But yes, I try not to waft about the house drinking coffee and doing bugger all as even though my husband encourages me to do just that, I do sometimes feel a twinge of guilt. I know how very fortunate I am and certainly have no plans to go back to work, but I do sometimes feel better for at least “looking” busy, even if I’m not!

I guess it's subjective, I wouldn't feel fortunate to not work and reliant on my husband because I'm privedleged to do a job I genuinely love and that makes a difference to people. I enjoy annual leave and time off but I'd be bored being a housewife, and best of all I have my own income, own pension, and if me and DH ever separated I'd still have a decent standard of living. Again I know lots of people don't enjoy working but I wouldn't feel guilty about it, its not something everyone dreams about or aspires to.

Original poster
Listerntome · 10/07/2023 10:10

No one’s on the wind up @ALittleBitAlexa . Saying oh … why do you think that isn’t winding up. I did get sidetracked admittedly but I don’t see that as winding people up. But yes if a pretty innocuous thread is getting you worked up it might be best.

OP posts:
Sissynova · 10/07/2023 10:15

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 10:04

@dontbejealousofmyartisticflair i suppose there could be a few ways - inheritance for instance, especially if you inherited property you let out.

Then some people do have to live from benefits either because they are searching for work or can’t work.

Or you might be retired or in receipt of an ill health pension, someone my age is after a stroke when she was only 39 Sad

So examples not at all like you started off with since you specifically stated "bar ill health".

Original poster
Listerntome · 10/07/2023 10:17

I’m not being goady @Sissynova but I genuinely don’t understand what you mean. There are a couple of ‘examples’ there where someone could be in perfect health but not working.

OP posts:
Sissynova · 10/07/2023 10:17

You would need a pretty large inheritance to never work again. Going to go out on a limb and say more than 99% of people would never have access to that so again doesn't seem entirely relevant.

What is the point of your post?

I don't think it is that out there to suggest that the majority of people would probably prefer to share the load of working and financially providing rather than one person working loads to fund life and the other putting their feet up.

dontbejealousofmyartisticflair · 10/07/2023 10:18

I am and certainly have no plans to go back to work, but I do sometimes feel better for at least “looking” busy, even if I’m not!

having a couple of hours here and there when you fully support your full-time working partner, I don't really see the issue

but again, more than financial aspect, I would find someone doing "nothing" extremely unattractive. I can't imagine being with someone, or having discussion, with someone with 0 interest in life.

Sissynova · 10/07/2023 10:19

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 10:17

I’m not being goady @Sissynova but I genuinely don’t understand what you mean. There are a couple of ‘examples’ there where someone could be in perfect health but not working.

Like what? You stated someone looking for work, someone on an ill health pension and someone who had a stroke young and presumably struggles with work due to their health.

Initially you said "bar ill health", no kids and not working because someone just didn't want to. Those are not the same as retired or ill health though are they?

Colliewobblerr23 · 10/07/2023 10:19

😂 i love this thread! I love how it's descended into working vs non working chaos. Predictable!

YANBU OP...

dontbejealousofmyartisticflair · 10/07/2023 10:23

Colliewobblerr23 · 10/07/2023 10:19

😂 i love this thread! I love how it's descended into working vs non working chaos. Predictable!

YANBU OP...

?
literally the subject of the thread, what do you expect.

Original poster
Listerntome · 10/07/2023 10:24

And I also said they could be in receipt of an inheritance (that was the first one, you can’t have missed it!) or looking for work - I know in my field if you’re entitled to a redundancy payout you lose it if you start work within a certain timeframe!

There is just a bit of selective reading going on.

I’m not sure how class comes into it, but who knows!

OP posts:
Original poster
Listerntome · 10/07/2023 10:25

The subject of the thread didn’t mention class!

OP posts:
Colliewobblerr23 · 10/07/2023 10:25

dontbejealousofmyartisticflair · 10/07/2023 10:23

?
literally the subject of the thread, what do you expect.

Show quote history

Lol!

Original poster
Listerntome · 10/07/2023 10:25

I should have put light hearted. That would have solved everything.

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 10/07/2023 10:25

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:25

@Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight DH can be a bit like that.

I do have a (reasonably!) legit reason but I wondered, in a few years - what if I wanted to retire and DH didn’t? Should I have to keep working when I didn’t want to just to make things ‘fair?’ Or if I wanted more time generally and we could afford this and worked PT, but this would be wrong if DH didn’t want to?

Obviously they are hypothetical questions. I’m not suggesting anyone lies in bed until midday while their partner works to the bone, but equally, I suppose what I’m asking is does the worker have to ‘win’?

we have a long term plan, it’s quite loose, but it’s there, if I wanted to retire and it meant DH had to keep working, I wouldn’t feel happy about that, I’d rather work a few more years so he could retire a few years early, id feel like I was throwing him under the bus otherwise.

if he wanted to keep working anyway no matter what I did and we could afford it, then yes I’d retire, it’s only not ‘fair’ if it’s detrimental to your partner in some way.

the problem with posing questions like this is it’s SO subjective, and all these decisions are based on personal circumstances, the reason people are asking you about WHY you’re off is because that would be a deciding factor in whether they’d feel guilty or not in the same circumstances.

I work full time as does my partner on different shifts, if I want to loll about while he’s working I wouldn’t feel guilty as he gets to loll about when I’m working. There isn’t much time for lolling around in our house though!

chohiad · 10/07/2023 10:28

I suppose it depends on who is funding your lifestyle and pension. If you can retire at 60 because of your own pension (or financial means) then of course crack on, but if "we can afford it" is because your DH has facilitated it then it's very important he is in agreement.

Jennalong · 10/07/2023 10:28

I posted something like this a few years ago.
For me Its if I'm at home and sat down relaxing and look out the window and see my dh coming in , I'll jump up and act busy.
I have no idea why I do this .

beguilingeyes · 10/07/2023 10:29

YANBU - I'm 62 and semi-retired. I work two days a week to supplement my pension. DH is only 56 so has at least four more years to work.

I'm at home Monday - Wednesday and DH WFH Wednesday to Friday. When we're both at home on Wednesday I do feel guilty if I just want to relax all day. I feel as though I can feel his disapproval seeping upstairs...although I'm probably imagining it.