To feel lazy relaxing at home when DH is here working?

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Does anyone else feel like this?

I want to be watching box sets, napping and reading books … but I can hear DH working and it makes me feel I should be working myself.

I know it is probably stupid, but just wondering if I’m alone.

YABU - no I never feel like this.

YANBU - me too!

What a weird thread! Does your husband find you unreasonable or annoying OP? You feel guilty, why is that?

You know perfectly well that in certain scenarios lazing about while someone is working to provide for you is unacceptable, and other times it's fine. I missed the post where you explained yourself I think

It’s interesting to me anyway as my parents really resented one another if they felt one had more time off. My dad resented my mum being a SAHM for a few years, even though it was only an 18 month gap and she was unhappy (also this was late 70s/early 80s so not as common for women to work with preschool kids.

Then she resented his holidays (he was a teacher) and wouldn’t ‘let’ him take early retirement even though he really wanted to. I always just thought they were a bit mad but maybe not.

Why would you feel guilty if you were made redundant and looking for work? Looking for work is hardly the same as not working because you don't want to which is what you were ranting about on page 1.

Who mentioned class other than you?

The reasons for not working are nobody's business except yours and DH's

As long as he is happy with him working and you not, then crack on

Presuming division of housework/childcare is also fair

If he's not, have the conversation!

@FirstTimeNameChanger i suppose I do find it weird but I’m probably the weird one. I don’t want or need the people I love to be constantly busy and stressed!

@Sissynova ah so is that it - that because I’m feeling guilty I am not working for lazy reasons? No, I always feel a bit odd in the house not working if DH is working.

So do you work because this is an odd stance when you can relax while your DH is the one works?

I’ve said a few times I do but the thread was sidetracked.

It is definitely a sort of ‘deserving’ not working (redundancy, illness, retirement) but if you choose not to work, even if you can afford that, then that is unacceptable and you should not sit down.

I work part time, don't have kids. Husband is full time and works 60% home/40% office. I work in a high stress field, and my shifts are very long and physical. At the start I think he was a bit resentful, but he's realised it's far better for my mental and physical health to work part time. Although with the overtime I do, sometimes I'm not too far off his hours, but I'm in a low paying field. He does the bulk of the work around the house too.

I'm a sahp with both kids in school. It works for us no resentment on either side. I have some days where I do hardly anything and days where I do loads. It's a nice balance

Nope. I have annual leave to take which I get paid for obvs, so no guilt here. We have separate finances anyway, so I have no real clue, or indeed any vested interest in, his working pattern (from a finance pov, obvs I do from a time pov).

i mean i play video games most days whilst partner works full time - but is it okay if its in my flat, fully paid off and he just has to contribute towards the bills? (so he is more than welcome to not work if he wants, as long as he pays his share of joint bills)

I would feel like that, which is one reason why people who are working should physically go to work, not hang around at home.

I work random 12 hour shifts, DH 9-5 so DH so one of us is often ‘off’ when the other is at work. We trust each other to regulate our own time, resting when we need it, busy when we’ve got the energy. Sometimes we’ve said to each other I feel guilty relaxing when you are work but we just remind each other not to be silly.
You do you, as long as you’re both happy.

Opposite is true in our house, DH works significantly less days than me. I enjoy my job and having every weekend off is a benefit to the family. He's off today and I'm at work at 1pm till 9:30pm.

We financially don't need him to work more so if he's chilling whilst I'm working it's fine, as long as the grass is cut!! I hate cutting the grass (allergies) he might get some sarcasm if he's watching cricket and the grass/garden looks like a jungle. But I don't begrudge him chilling, we also employ a cleaner.

We have a 100% shared account and the aim is to have a passive income that supports our lifestyle by 50, so we don't have to work in normal jobs at all. I'm surprised this isn't more common on here to be a lady of leisure considering how upper middle class MN tries to be.

A lot of people are very hard wired to be working constantly. It means we are made to feel guilty for resting or living differently. In my experience this lead to stress burn out and now I have no choice but to rest, my body won't allow me not to and I have additional health problems. I wish I had had more balance and not worn myself out being a slave to the system

I’m with you op, putting aside the financials why would anyone be a slave to a job, we have one life. I read all these threads about everyone rushing around, no time to relax, both working full time with kids etc. I have a friend who is retired and has now taken a part time job and is always moaning, I asked why they needed to work and the answer was, well what would I do otherwise 😳. ( they own many properties and are very comfortable financially)
Everyone wants the posh cars and the holidays but are totally worn out and have no time for themselves and their kids.

People, when you are lying on your deathbed I bet you won’t say “ I wish I worked more” you’ll be regretting all the time you lost slaving away for others.

@burnoutbabe i suppose that’s what I think as well. I know around seven or eight years ago I couldn’t work - long complex story. I relied on a small private income and some savings but was single at the time so didn’t have to answer to anyone - good thing really. Life’s very different now.

If you not working depends on your partner funding it then yes, that is BU imo. I could afford to pay for everything and my partner not work at all as I earn more but I don’t think that’s fair and I wouldn’t agree to it. If you’re independently wealthy though and can fund your own not-working and still contribute to household expenses then crack on and don’t feel guilty!

I’m on sick currently. And I nap and watch crap on tv. I do make meals. But I’m not going to feel guilty about it.

and DH doesn’t want me to be doing anything either apart from recovering.

Yes I do feel like this - I'm largely not working as we have small DC. I feel a bit embarrassed and like he's judging me, though I do think our work/home life balances out in a way that is fair overall, in ways I'm not sure he even realises.

Tbh though I generally don't feel like I can relax and do those kinds of things when DP is home. If I wanted to watch a box set for example and he was just pottering around not doing much (which he does a lot) I would still feel like I couldn't watch what I wanted to watch as he'd be wondering in periodically and starting conversations with me, making jokes about what's going on in the show which ruins it for me a lot of the time. It's a bit of an ongoing issue in my house as I do like my box sets! I tend to cram them in when he's working away, then wind up feeling bored when he's home but we're not actually doing anything together, and I'm not doing what I would be if he wasn't there either.

If there’s nothing needs doing I don’t think we should be racing around working if it’s not needed. Enjoy being able to just enjoy your home and stuff.

I hate that I spend my life forever racing around paying for stuff I don’t really get a chance to enjoy.

Op I am not sure what answer you are looking for, we both work as we are grown ups and as we do not have anything preventing us working we both work because it is what grown ups do

If you are not looking for this type pn answer and you want permission to be at home then not sure you will get it from all poster's

Are you putting an equal amount of effort into the household? Assuming no medical needs then I'd be resentful if my partner didn't put the same effort in. When my late wife wasn't working due to illness there wasn't any resentment as she couldn't do it. But my useless fil caused massive issues by retiring early and doing minimal for the household

It's not "not ok" to do anything, if you want to play video games all day, it's your life.

I could not have a partner like that, I wouldn't find him interesting or attractive.(but could be a "her"). Goes both ways, I wouldn't expect any man to find me attractive if I was at home watching tv all day, not having a life. It's not the lack of job, it's the lack of interest that would break us off.