Page 2 | To feel lazy relaxing at home when DH is here working?

Listerntome · 2023-07-10T08:02:09+00:00

Does anyone else feel like this? I want to be watching box sets, napping and reading books … but I can hear DH working and it makes me feel I should be working myself. I know it is probably stupid, but just wondering if I’m alone. YABU - no I never feel like this. YANBU - me too!

vivainsomnia · 10/07/2023 09:41

Firstly, does he truly enjoy working? If so, and there is therefore no resentment, it's not an issue.

Secondly, what is your financial situation? If you are very comfortable and he loves his job, again, not an issue. If you have separate accounts and you are self sufficient on your income, not an issue. If you are dependent on him financially and you just manage financially, it's an issue.

If you are a sahm, then surely there are things you should be doing? According to MM, sahm are always running ragged!

ALittleBitAlexa · 10/07/2023 09:45

I think it depends why too. If DH spent all weekend golfing/cycling etc and works Monday-Friday, while you spent all weekend taking care of kids and are having your day off today, then fine. It's more about division of labour for me. If he works FT and you do nothing around the house, don't work etc, then yes YABU

Hedonism · 10/07/2023 09:46

Well yes and no.

I'm drinking a cuppa and scrolling through Mumsnet at the moment, can hear DH on a teams call next door so I feel slightly guilty. But on the other hand, he sat and read the paper and ate breakfast earlier on, whilst I ran around sorting the packed lunches and all of the unpacking from camping at the weekend.

Swings and roundabouts.

dontbejealousofmyartisticflair · 10/07/2023 09:47

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:16

Does it though @Coolhwip ? Why? I don’t mean that rudely either, I’m genuinely wondering why bar ill health we ‘should’ be working?

to pay the bills? how else do you earn a living?

Original poster

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:47

So the answer seems to be that it’s fine to just chill and relax if you have a working partner IF you are at work but signed off, or on annual leave or a SAHM but if for whatever reason you don’t work and you relax, you’re lazy? Blimey, no wonder people stay single 😅

Just sounds a miserable life to me. If I wanted to retire at 60, we could afford to do that, DH says he wants to carry on for another year that makes me lazy? I’m not being obtuse, I genuinely am wondering why people are insistent both people in a couple should work!

OP posts:

Supernova23 · 10/07/2023 09:48

Is there a reason you don’t work? Unless you are disabled or have very young children, then yes, I’d feel very guilty. Different if you are working and it’s your day off.

Original poster

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:49

Well, obviously financial @dontbejealousofmyartisticflair ! That’s why most of us work. But people seem to be saying that if you don’t need to work because financially this is an option for you - you should anyway if your partner does otherwise it is not ‘fair’?

OP posts:

Nordicrain · 10/07/2023 09:50

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:47

So the answer seems to be that it’s fine to just chill and relax if you have a working partner IF you are at work but signed off, or on annual leave or a SAHM but if for whatever reason you don’t work and you relax, you’re lazy? Blimey, no wonder people stay single 😅

Just sounds a miserable life to me. If I wanted to retire at 60, we could afford to do that, DH says he wants to carry on for another year that makes me lazy? I’m not being obtuse, I genuinely am wondering why people are insistent both people in a couple should work!

And there it is.

Noone is insistent both people should work. But both people should be happy with the arrangement/; division of labour and, in my view, should share the reponsibility for the work required for the lives they lead. That's whether it's financial income, domestic chores, etc.

Retire if you want, as long as your DH is on board/ your pension income can pay your share of the bills.

Nordicrain · 10/07/2023 09:51

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:49

Well, obviously financial @dontbejealousofmyartisticflair ! That’s why most of us work. But people seem to be saying that if you don’t need to work because financially this is an option for you - you should anyway if your partner does otherwise it is not ‘fair’?

But people seem to be saying that if you don’t need to work because financially this is an option for you - you should anyway if your partner does otherwise it is not ‘fair’?

I don't think a single person said that? You seem to have a very strong agenda here.

Original poster

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:52

You’ve read a very different thread to me @Nordicrain because all I can see is ‘depends on why you’re not working.’

What if I just don’t want to? That’s hypothetical - but that would be acceptable if I was single but not if I am in a relationship?

OP posts:

dontbejealousofmyartisticflair · 10/07/2023 09:52

Context?

Having a day off and staying home when your partner is having a normal day off, fine. Everyone is entitled to have time off, bit weird to spend it at home doing nothing, but each to their own. AS LONG AS, male or female, you don't expect the working partner to do the chores while you are lazying around.

Not working and not doing anything while your partner is doing full time hours? Ridiculous. Imagine a woman working full time while her partner is playing video games all day. Not a pretty picture.

Retiring first and watching tv and doing nothing? Frankly, I would find it extremely unattractive. I can't understand people who have time or will to watch daytime tv, and retiring but having no hobbies, no interest, nothing to do would make me seriously reconsider my relationship.

Sissynova · 10/07/2023 09:52

Nordicrain · 10/07/2023 09:37

To me it matters why.

I would feel the same if DH was carrying the entire financial burden and I was lazying around watching box sets. But I don't like the idea of being a "kept" woman. Tbh your responses sound a little goady so I imagine there'll be some huge drip feed at some point to "shame" all the posters suggesting that it's not 100% fine.

Agree is clearly just a goady thread for the OP. Even the 'oh so you should never chill and relax if you have a working partner' followup.

Sissynova · 10/07/2023 09:53

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:52

You’ve read a very different thread to me @Nordicrain because all I can see is ‘depends on why you’re not working.’

What if I just don’t want to? That’s hypothetical - but that would be acceptable if I was single but not if I am in a relationship?

Surely no one would be working to make up for you 'just not wanting to' if you were single.
Other than the tax payer I guess.

BringOnSummerHolidays · 10/07/2023 09:54

I voted YABU only because I work full time too. If I have booked a day off, it'll be looking after the children on school holidays, but they barely need entertaining. I'll take them out so they aren't on screen all day. But when we get home, they'll go back to their screens. I spent the time having naps, reading books, gardening, or baking. I don't feel guilty about it. DH does the same.

MammaTo · 10/07/2023 09:54

Yeah I get this 100%!

I think it’s from years as a kid if any DIY was getting done or mum was doing her big Saturday clean up we’d all have to join in and help 😂

Seeing someone else pottering around being busy while I’m relaxing makes me feel uneasy.

Original poster

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:55

It wasn’t meant to be goady, I just got sidetracked with the focus on work. I’m older than Dh so might well want to retire earlier and was startled this would make me a lazy bitch

OP posts:

dontbejealousofmyartisticflair · 10/07/2023 09:56

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:52

You’ve read a very different thread to me @Nordicrain because all I can see is ‘depends on why you’re not working.’

What if I just don’t want to? That’s hypothetical - but that would be acceptable if I was single but not if I am in a relationship?

Out of curiosity, if you don't want to work as a single person, where do you find the money to eat?

Nordicrain · 10/07/2023 09:57

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:52

You’ve read a very different thread to me @Nordicrain because all I can see is ‘depends on why you’re not working.’

What if I just don’t want to? That’s hypothetical - but that would be acceptable if I was single but not if I am in a relationship?

Again goady. Like you are getting people to say "yes OP,because you are in a relationship you must never relax".

If you were single you would have to pay your own way, which is pretty much what everyone is saying here. That is you are doing so (or if your DH is onboard with you not) then it's fine. If you are just an adult refusing to pay your own way becuase your husband "ought" to provide for you, then yeah, not really the same thing.

Makegoodchoices · 10/07/2023 09:57

I’m part time, I did go full time for a bit during covid and we realised it didn’t work for us. Mainly because DH’s job requires mine to have enormous flexibility as he’s away a lot without any kind of predictability, and mine (3 days) is quite intense and stressful - so to allow the flexibility he needs I stay part time, which also stops my job taking over my sanity too much. And as a bonus we don’t have to do cleaning/shopping in our weekends.
But when he’s home it does feel weird to be sitting around on mumsnet like I am right now!

Sissynova · 10/07/2023 09:57

@Listerntome you're the one who posted that you feel guilty for lazing about relaxing and watching TV while your partner works. Maybe there is something underlying about the division of labour in your home that makes you uncomfortable or your partner doesn't seem happy with.
Don't try to turn it on everyone else.

Nordicrain · 10/07/2023 09:58

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:55

It wasn’t meant to be goady, I just got sidetracked with the focus on work. I’m older than Dh so might well want to retire earlier and was startled this would make me a lazy bitch

I’m older than Dh so might well want to retire earlier and was startled this would make me a lazy bitch

Again, literally not one person has said this. Except you. You are the only one who keeps repeating that everyone else is saying this. like you want to offended.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 10/07/2023 09:58

I retired at 62, DH wanted to stay working until he was 65, three years later. I was unhappy at work, we could afford it so it wasn't a big deal, entirely up to me.

Mamma2017 · 10/07/2023 09:59

MathiasBroucek · 10/07/2023 09:24

For various unimportant reasons, I generally work harder than DW.

This doesn't bother me but what I would NOT want would be for her to be sitting in a fug of false guilt not enjoying herself!!!

Get going with the box sets!

will you leave her and marry me please 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/07/2023 09:59

Depends if you are both pulling your weight over the course of the week.

Just because one is working doesn’t mean both should be at that specific time, necessarily.

Jigslaw · 10/07/2023 10:01

Listerntome · 10/07/2023 09:49

Well, obviously financial @dontbejealousofmyartisticflair ! That’s why most of us work. But people seem to be saying that if you don’t need to work because financially this is an option for you - you should anyway if your partner does otherwise it is not ‘fair’?

Literally no one has said that! And also if you were single and could afford not to work why would anyone be bothered? The issue is if as a household you require money to come in from paid work to pay the bills etc then why should one person just decide they can't be bothered and leave the financial burden to the other (who probably out of choice would rather not bother either).