To feel lazy relaxing at home when DH is here working?

[Listerntome]

Does anyone else feel like this?

I want to be watching box sets, napping and reading books … but I can hear DH working and it makes me feel I should be working myself.

I know it is probably stupid, but just wondering if I’m alone.

YABU - no I never feel like this.

YANBU - me too!

I don't think anyone ACTIVELY thinks of those things when they sit down, but they would know in the back of their mind if they're chilling while the other works is a reasonable/acceptable thing for them to do or not? everyone will give a different answer and that's my point.

Only YOU can answer that question in your own relationship and home. You say your feeling 'like you should be working' but why?

I lived on my own for a long time before meeting my DH, as did he, and we both enjoy the limited downtime we get without the other making them feel guilty, because we love each other, and we also recognise that life isn't a race to the bottom. If there was an unequal distribution of 'effort' in the household, that isn't being addressed/is being ignored, one person may well start to resent the other.

Ultimately, when you live together, you can't just go around pretending you live on your own and the other persons feelings/opinions don't matter, you're a partnership and you should have each others happiness in mind.

We both work but very different hours, snd I only work three days, so there are times when one of us is working and the other is doing leisure stuff if it's a nursery day for the kids. I've never considered feeling guilty about it, but I think that's because we each feel equal partners in terms of our input into the relationship (not necessarily financial of course).

I work 3 days a week so have two days off. Sometimes DH is WFH on those days. I have to admit I do feel a bit lazy when I can hear him having back to back meetings and I'm on the sofa with my feet up! If he's in the office I feel I can relax at home without the same guilt. DH never says anything. He doesn't care what I do - It's pressure I put on myself to appear busy when he's at home.
However, unlike you OP I wouldn't spend hours watching box sets and relaxing. There's always so much to do in my 2 days off. Gardening, shopping, cooking, laundry etc. I keep myself really busy most of the time then I allow a small amount of time to relax. I'm not judging you but I personally would feel lazy if I wasn't productive for most of the day. I'd feel physically sluggish if I was watching hours of TV each day.

It's very important to be able to relax. It makes people ill, in fact, not having free time and downtime and rest. So I wouldn't feel guilty (unless it was in the context of an unfair division of labour or something).

Gardening, shopping, cooking, laundry etc. I keep myself really busy most of the time then I allow a small amount of time to relax.

That does seem to me to be a life that is a bit like very wealthy women in the Deep South who wore those horrendously uncomfortable dresses and couldn’t even eat much in public lest a man thought them
greedy.

Please don’t think I am criticising, just the ‘unlike you’ and the ‘allow myself’ are sad, in a way.

I used to be a huge reader and spent hours reading. I can’t honestly say I regret a single book, I don’t think I should have been doing laundry all of the time for the twenty years or so before I got married!

How else does society work?

@Hadalifeonce same here. My Dd19 and I have been cat-proofing most of our garden for last 3 weeks so our blind foster cat can go outside and we finished off stapling brackets & wire mesh to the top of the last fence yesterday (Sunday) while my DH watched the cricket. He popped out & helped a bit which was nice but we did most of the work ourselves. My DH would watch/play sport all weekend if he could while I'm often still busy doing odd chores/gardening etc. His paid working hours are very much 9-5/6 wfh whereas my (unpaid/voluntary) jobs are at random times throughout the week/weekend. I would also say most days I do a lot more physical work than my DH too so I'm more tired than him & sometimes need a nap late afternoon especially when it's hot & esp as I'm 48. Cutting a 7 ft high hedge that's 80 ft long with a heavy hedge trimmer is a lot more tiring than doing a Teams meeting! so I need to take more breaks & why should I feel guilty about that? I'm saving him a job at the weekend by doing it myself & saving us money by not hiring a gardener too. Though many people on here would prob say we should both by working F/T & paying for a cleaner & gardener instead 🙄🤣

Society doesn’t work by demanding that everyone between the ages of 18-68 (is that the current state pension age?) works, much less that they work the same hours and the same shift patterns.

I really, honestly am not wanting to be argumentative here. I’m genuinely surprised so many think that doing something purely for your own pleasure (even if that is just having a nap) is decadent and lazy and unfair to the other person in the relationship.

No of course not, and I can't see anyone suggesting it is? Fair is both people pulling their weight, not both people working identical shifts to one another. Fair is each person in the family doing their bit, and not creating more work for anyone else. I think you know that though, I think you do get what I'm saying. My husband can relax as much as he wants, right up until the point where I need to start working harder to compensate for his hands not being at the pump. At that point it is no longer fair, and he needs to shift.

Nothing I have said is revolutionary or difficult and yes, in agreement with another poster, it is what adults do

it’s what adults do

This must be the fourth or fifth comment on this thread I’ve seen along those lines, adults work, grown ups work, it is a put down of course.

No one is wanting one person in a partnership to do everything while the other does nothing: equally sometimes things are cyclical and at times one person might do more but then it evens out.

It is an interesting discussion, and it has actually made me understand my own parents a lot more!

do you contribute equally to household costs @Listerntome ?

I think that's key, not whether you work or not.

If your DH is paying for everything and you're lazing about I think you'd be unreasonable, you could work and contribute (or contribute in other ways such as taking on the lions share of household tasks).

But if you earn and contribute or have a decent pension/live off an inheritance then meh, laze away!!

I work 4 days and DH works 5 days but we equally split all household costs/bills.

On my "day off" yes, sometimes I lounge around doing sweet FA!

There is absolutely no reason for me to only work 4 days other than "because I can".

I honestly feel that if there is enough money in the general pot, all this 'need to be paying in equally etc ' can be taken too far - what matters is that both people (if they are able to do so and health is not in the equation) contribute to the general functioning of the family/couple - be that money or stuff that needs doing.

and I will be retiring before DH.

I have planned for my retirement all my life, paid extra into my pension and know at what point I can retire and still be able to afford my share of our household costs.

DH chose not to prioritise his pension which means he will need to work longer than I will.

I actually think relaxation IS very important - a form of self care. So I'm sure all of us DO make time for reading, watching box sets, naps etc. I think maybe what seems more surprising here is that you're giving the impression that this is what you do most of the time. Maybe that's not the case but it's just how it came across. I think I (and many others) just feel there aren't enough hours in the day so it seems surprising that this type of lifestyle is even possible.

Today, @SallyWD , it most certainly is

I wouldn't say it like that, but I think what people are referring to when they say 'it's what adults do', is because the way of life you seem to be alluding to, where you want to do whatever you like, whenever you like, and not have to worry about taking into account any one else's thought's/feelings, is typically, very much a stage in life before you are in a committed relationship with others relying/depending on you. It's a bit heavy handed terminology but they have a valid point.

The fact that you refer to other peoples very typical family lives as being sad and all about keeping up appearances and 'conforming' to society, says that you don't really have an understanding of what it is to be selfless.

If choosing to do things for the greater good of the family isn't for you, then I think it sounds like you were happier being free & single, which is fair enough, it doesn't make you right and everyone else wrong though, it just means everyone should do what makes them happy, and no one else has the right to tell them what that 'should' or 'shouldn't' look like.

Mondays are my day to clean the house and run errands. I also have a few hours to myself, potter about homesense or the garden centre or read a bit. He doesn't know the last bit. He is wfh today and so now I've to pretend to be busy with house stuff all day as I feel bad that he is working and I am not

(I work the rest of the week but weird hours here and there due to a very long school run for the DSS's which I do-2.45 hour round trip for me btw, before anyone asks about my contribution)

My dh couldn't care less if I work or not and our kids are adults. I do feel guilty sometimes as he works from home but if I worked it wouldn't make him any happier.. nor me!

If I was working and my partner had no reason not to work then yes I would be pissed off - I would never supplement another able bodied adult to do fuck all - so my opinion would be based on why you are not working - if it is annual leave/sick/maternity/ looking after preschool dc and rare nap time or gone to gps for a rare visit and there is no housework then my opinion would be to not feel guilty and enjoy the rest - if dc are at school and I had nothing to do then yes I would feel guilty.

I'd be more than happy to pay for someone I loved to live if I really enjoyed my job and earned enough to support us both comfortably. I'd expect them to do other things like the housework though.

We don't have children and I only work part-time. DH works full-time.

I've spent my afternoon watching The Simpsons with a kitten asleep on my chest. I don't feel remotely guilty - I pay my way.

@sandyhappypeople to be honest I’m getting the impression here that whatever I say to you will be ‘wrong’ but it really isn’t about being selfless or otherwise.

I don’t know if you’ve ever read that story - think it may have been aesops fable or something - where a man and a boy are leading a donkey and different people pass judgement - some say how silly to all walk when someone could ride, some say the man should ride as he is old, some say the boy should ride as he is young, some say it is animal cruelty to make the donkey carry a grown man and so on! This thread reminds me a bit of that as a lot of the answers boil down to ‘you should be doing this because someone else is.’

Being in a marriage with someone is (usually) a long sort of relationship spanning several decades and it’s not all going to be totally equal all of the time. Illness, retirement, redundancy, old age, caring for kids, caring for elderly parents (if applicable, those last two) can happen at any point and might mean someone is doing ‘more’ but then it often balances out. I don’t think a few days relaxing are signs of a selfish person (knackered maybe!)

You are being very disingenuous.

No one has said you couldn't have a nap 🙄.

People are replying to "one works full time, the other does nothing and wouldn't want any mental load to bother their little head"
and you keep arguing back about taking one hour break or doing something for yourself which is not what you said previously.

Then you go back about people not wanting to work ever.

Where did anyone say that if you work equally, earn equally, you were not allowed to go the gym, have your hair done, or read a book? It's more obvious when someone is married to a shift worker, but no one has ever said you must be busy at all time during business hours and do nothing after.

Well of course you will get different points of view because you asked for that - your opinion is only that - your opinion - no one is obliged to agree with you and there are elements which would colour judgement for others forming their opinions in relation to your question.