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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a gift for my newborn?

424 replies

Freckles978 · 10/07/2023 00:46

If I ever visit a family member or friend to see their newborn child, I would always bring a gift for the baby. Am I the only person who would always do this?

I met a friend specifically to let her meet to my newborn, and she didn't have a gift, and I think it's just rude to not have one. She did previously ask me if I was having a baby shower, to which I had said no. Might this be reason?

OP posts:
SweetestOfTheSunflowers · 10/07/2023 01:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Drhollyfrazier · 10/07/2023 01:52

YABU to expect anything. No one should expect others to spend money on a gift just because you had a shag and reproduced.

DreamTheMoors · 10/07/2023 01:55

Freckles978 · 10/07/2023 00:55

I guess you don't take gifts to see your friend's newborn?

Also, no one has automatic right to see your newborn. They can wait until the baby is older meet them.

Oh dear.

This is gonna be a looong life for that poor kid.

PTA mom, soccer mom, school play mom, school trip mom, Uni mom, MIL…

Mari9999 · 10/07/2023 01:59

I would not expect anyone to invite me to meet their new born. Perhaps I might be invited to a christening party, but that usually involves family and close family friends.

It would be awkward to be invited to meet a newborn because that is an invite for which there is no gracious way to say that I would rather not.

Other than my own babies and those of close family members, I can't think of any baby that I have ever had a desire to see as a newborn. I can't even fathom what it means to "meet" a newborn.

I would have brought a gift, but I would have thought it to be a not so subtle gift request or the misguided notion of a young mom thinking that anyone other than family is eager to see her baby.

Groovy48592747 · 10/07/2023 01:59

You sound spoiled and entitled.

And yes I always give gifts for birth of a baby, Christenings, etc etc.

But to expect a gift? Just no.

Spottedsox · 10/07/2023 02:02

No one should Wait to see your new born?
I was more into being surrounded by family and friends than gifts when I became a parent.
Mind due the expectation is only on yourself.
Shallow and your rude.
If you are of a certain age group I would not be surprised.

GodspeedJune · 10/07/2023 02:05

I would always take a gift and a card, yes. I was surprised how many people bought for us when we had a baby too, not just friends but those more distant like friends and neighbours of our parents.

My DPs brother didn’t bring our baby anything, even a card though, and I did feel sad for her about that.

SoSadForCav · 10/07/2023 02:12

Freckles978 · 10/07/2023 00:55

I guess you don't take gifts to see your friend's newborn?

Also, no one has automatic right to see your newborn. They can wait until the baby is older meet them.

@Freckles978

Babies are not 'pay per view'

most people would take a gift for a newborn, but also most parents want their babies to 'meet' their families & friends.

only self important grabby cows do it for the presents.

BreadInCaptivity · 10/07/2023 02:12

Partypiddler · 10/07/2023 01:19

I wouldn't dream of meeting someone's baby without bringing something. It's just not the done thing, in terms of how I was raised anyway. I wouldn't dream of going to someone's house for dinner without bringing wine or a dessert either. I'd find it rude if someone didn't bring a gift because of how I was raised, but I would try not to focus on it and remember that not every has my background.

And what "background" is that exactly? Hmm

I'd always take gifts to a dinner party (decent bottles - note the plural - of wine plus flowers).

I'd always take a gift if meeting a friend for a birthday.

Visiting a newborn, no. The baby isn't going to care or appreciate anything you bring.

For a very close friend I'd have bought something in advance - asking what they needed to prepare for the new arrival.

Truth is new babies need very little. Their mother, nappies, sudocream and babygro's. That's it.

Parents will have already acquired items like prams/cots/FF paraphernalia if required.

I did not expect or want "presents" from my friends in those early weeks. Goodness knows I had enough baby stuff in the house without having more I didn't ask for.

Their time on the other hand was golden.

A catch up and chat. Being me and not just a mother to a newborn.

An opportunity to get a quick shower to myself while they had a 15 min cuddle.

Getting a cup of tea made for me and getting to drink it in peace because they were happy holding a Velcro baby and I could enjoy a hot drink rather than cold water.

Offering to pop a load of baby clothes washing in the machine whilst I was feeding newborn.

Presents are not always material.

I think people forget that.

Seryse · 10/07/2023 02:13

What an entitled twonk you sound. I'm thankful when someone comes to see my 5 week old as I genuinely value my friends taking the time... whether they have a gift or not, their time is more important.

Plus with the price of everything maybe she couldn't afford to get a gift, perhaps take that into consideration and be a decent human being.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 10/07/2023 02:18

Not everybody does that, though it is thoughtful if they do.

JMSA · 10/07/2023 02:22

I would always take a gift.

vimtolove · 10/07/2023 02:25

Drhollyfrazier · 10/07/2023 01:52

YABU to expect anything. No one should expect others to spend money on a gift just because you had a shag and reproduced.

🤣🤣🤣👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Theoldwoman · 10/07/2023 02:26

I would always take something, I was brought up this way. It might not be a gift for the baby though, it might be something for the mum. At the very least some flowers 🌺

Grimchmas · 10/07/2023 02:30

I can't get over the "privilege" of being allowed to meet my friends' newborns 🤣

Don't get me wrong I'll see the baby and I'll make the appropriate cooing noises, I'll probably even bring them a little outfit or something, but it's not the humanling I'm there to see, it's my friend - the one who has just been through the major health event of birth, and had her life forever changed by this tiny creature who she is responsible for now, no backsies. I want to see that she is okay, and how she is doing, and in doing so I'll be a good enough friend to make appropriate noises about the new creature but in all honesty I'd be more excited to meet a new puppy, and thankfully none of my friends would be the type to be offended if I hadn't brought with me a £4.99 baby grow from tesco.

JennyJenny8675309 · 10/07/2023 02:35

Freckles978 · 10/07/2023 00:55

I guess you don't take gifts to see your friend's newborn?

Also, no one has automatic right to see your newborn. They can wait until the baby is older meet them.

Your friend didn’t realise she was being granted the rare privilege of an audience with your newborn. 😂

Mothership4two · 10/07/2023 02:40

I have always given or sent a present for a family or friends newborns but wouldn't necessarily expect one.

MermaidMummy06 · 10/07/2023 02:41

It depends. If I'd been to a baby shower / gender reveal and bought a gift then, no. I don't have a bottomless bank account when so many are having babies.

If not, I might buy something, but usually not. I am tired of the culture where we are expected to buy gifts for everyone. I'd rather bring the new mum a coffee or make her lunch. Why can't we just focus on the people?

caringcarer · 10/07/2023 02:47

I would always take a gift for a newborn baby but would not care if a friend didn't bring a gift. I'd rather they offered to babysit occasionally.

Ilikegreenshoes · 10/07/2023 02:52

In my experience, having had 3 kids, it's more common for people to give a present than not when coming to see me and the baby, but I'm sure some people didn't. I don't remember because it wasn't the reason they were coming.

Honestly, I'm just grateful that they were willing to spend time with me and hear details about my anatomy that I probably, if I'd had more sleep, would have kept to myself! 😆

As an aside, I love crocheting a present for new babies - beanies, blankets etc, and will usually put whatever I've made into a bag with a packet of nappies, wipes, maybe a lip balm and hand cream for mum etc. Useful things.

But if I thought someone expected it, I'd be really disappointed.

YABU, but maybe it's just the hormones and lack of sleep talking, so hopefully in a few months you'll realise that yourself.

SpeedReader · 10/07/2023 02:57

It may feel important now, but in 10-15 years, when your family is on Sort Your Life Out and Dilly has told your (now tween or teenage) child they can only keep ten stuffed animals, what are the chances that your friend's present will be heading straight to the donate pile?

I'm very fond of gift-giving, but thinking about this from an environmental perspective, how much stuff do we give one another that just ends up being put in the back of a cupboard?

How many toys or clothes does a child really need or have the time to enjoy? How many things do you want to store, clean/dust, etc?

That said - I do wonder whether we've become a bit more slack when it comes to recognising and celebrating milestones. For instance, I like going through old birthday cards, seeing people's handwriting, reminiscing. Not sure that sending someone a text message or an e-card is really the same.

Joeylove88 · 10/07/2023 03:16

One of my friends who is a huge fan of babies and was quite involved in my pregnancy didn't get a gift and was actually the only person who didn't that I know which I did think was odd especially because she made a point of saying she had bought something but to be honest I'm not bothered by it. She loves spending time with my baby and gives her attention so that's fine by me.

DogbertMcDogglesworth · 10/07/2023 03:27

You 'let' your friend meet your baby? I must say you're very generous 🙄
I didn't 'let' anyone meet my babies, they just phoned in advance to check it wasn't inconvenient and as far as I was concerned, it was never inconvenient.
Some brought a gift, some didn't. I never thought anything negative about those who didn't. Just coffee and a good old chat was good enough.

Partypiddler · 10/07/2023 03:42

BreadInCaptivity · 10/07/2023 02:12

And what "background" is that exactly? Hmm

I'd always take gifts to a dinner party (decent bottles - note the plural - of wine plus flowers).

I'd always take a gift if meeting a friend for a birthday.

Visiting a newborn, no. The baby isn't going to care or appreciate anything you bring.

For a very close friend I'd have bought something in advance - asking what they needed to prepare for the new arrival.

Truth is new babies need very little. Their mother, nappies, sudocream and babygro's. That's it.

Parents will have already acquired items like prams/cots/FF paraphernalia if required.

I did not expect or want "presents" from my friends in those early weeks. Goodness knows I had enough baby stuff in the house without having more I didn't ask for.

Their time on the other hand was golden.

A catch up and chat. Being me and not just a mother to a newborn.

An opportunity to get a quick shower to myself while they had a 15 min cuddle.

Getting a cup of tea made for me and getting to drink it in peace because they were happy holding a Velcro baby and I could enjoy a hot drink rather than cold water.

Offering to pop a load of baby clothes washing in the machine whilst I was feeding newborn.

Presents are not always material.

I think people forget that.

Show quote history

My background being brought up to never arrive at someone's house 'with one arm as long as the other', meaning to always brings something, even if it's a token gift. I certainly don't feel hard dome by if ever someone came over without a gift for any of my babies, but it happened very rarely. I'm just saying that I would always bring something as it feels wrong not to. Fwiw I would absolutely have hated for someone to start going through my dirty laundry to put a wash on instead of a gift. I'd rather they didn't do anything.
3
Anyway, can we remember that this is a woman who has very recently given birth and who knows what absolutely storm of emotions and hormones she is going through. I had terrible birth trauma after my first and this is the weird sort of thing I would fixate on when my first child was born.

BadLad · 10/07/2023 03:45

I'll make the appropriate cooing noises

Is this you?

To expect a gift for my newborn?