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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a gift for my newborn?

424 replies

Freckles978 · 10/07/2023 00:46

If I ever visit a family member or friend to see their newborn child, I would always bring a gift for the baby. Am I the only person who would always do this?

I met a friend specifically to let her meet to my newborn, and she didn't have a gift, and I think it's just rude to not have one. She did previously ask me if I was having a baby shower, to which I had said no. Might this be reason?

OP posts:
Bookish88 · 10/07/2023 21:12

Freckles978 · 10/07/2023 10:49

Things I've learnt from this post:

  • Many people do think like me (it's rude not to take a gift)
  • Many people do not like seeing new born babies (news to me)
  • Many do not expect a gift, therefore there may be a change in culture whereby we no longer give gifts to newborns
  • I will continue to give gifts to newborns I do get to meet, as news to many, it is not a right to meet one, many mum's don't want people around their newborn, so it is a privilege to be aloud to meet the newborn
  • I won't be taking my friend a gift as it's now seen normal to a group of you that no gift for occasions are the norm

So, in the same breath here you say...

• I will continue to give gifts to newborns I do get to meet...
• I won't be taking my friend a gift as it's now seen normal to a group of you that no gift for occasions are the norm

Just FYI - it's blatantly obvious that your not getting a gift for your friend is retaliation at the supposed slight you feel at her not bringing a gift for your DC.

Bit pathetic really...

speluncean · 10/07/2023 21:15

You said you met your friend.

I took that to mean you met up with her out somewhere.

I wouldn't take a gift if we were meeting out for a coffee necessarily.

I would if I was going to the house for the first time after the birth.

GwinCoch · 10/07/2023 21:19

People seem to have forgotten the meaning of the word ‘gift’. Something given voluntarily… so any expectation is automatically against the concept.

Lacucuracha · 10/07/2023 21:30

Bookish88 · 10/07/2023 21:12

So, in the same breath here you say...

• I will continue to give gifts to newborns I do get to meet...
• I won't be taking my friend a gift as it's now seen normal to a group of you that no gift for occasions are the norm

Just FYI - it's blatantly obvious that your not getting a gift for your friend is retaliation at the supposed slight you feel at her not bringing a gift for your DC.

Bit pathetic really...

Show quote history

Why does it have to be petty?

Maybe the friend not getting OP a gift has freed OP from the shackles of gift reciprocity.

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 21:35

Partypiddler · 10/07/2023 20:40

And am I the only one who loves seeing my friends' babies? I love my friends and by extension care a lot of their lives and milestone moments, especially the birth of their children. I love going to see them, cuddle them, see who they look like, listen to the birth story (which the mums always want to talk about!). There is no point during this where I'm thinking 'Gah, what a bore having to pretend to be interested in Jenny's new small spawn. Snore, yawn, etc, ad nauseum, yada yada...'

I just remembered how when I was a teenager, one of my best friends had a baby (we were about 19). I was broke, but bought a packet of wipes and a three-pack of bibs (probably from the pound shop!) and put them in a nice gift bag. I wouldn't have come empty handed.

I'd love to meet my friends babies (if they had any). It isn't a "your baby isn't special it's a chore to meet them thing" - I just wouldn't be expecting gifts, and certainly wouldn't be offended not to get them. It's nice to get them but I find the expectation, when mixed with resentment, to be entitled.

newwings · 10/07/2023 21:46

Guess time and effort mean nothing these days which I would say are the most precious things in this rat race. Bet you are gutted you don't have another multipack of vests or muslins to add to the never got to use pile.

Get over yourself.

Gremlins101 · 10/07/2023 21:56

YABU

jelly79 · 10/07/2023 22:28

The way I read your post

I 'let' her meet my newborn. Which was a privilege . She didn't bare gifts. I should of made her wait.

Made yourself sound rude and entitled

Yes I take for newborns. Wouldn't notice if someone didn't for mine.

sunglassesonthetable · 11/07/2023 07:44

*MN is being contrary again just for the sake of it.

Of course it’s the norm to give a gift for the baby, even if it’s a small thing like booties or a hat.
*
I won't be taking my friend a gift as it's now seen normal to a group of you that no gift for occasions are the norm
*
This is fine. She should have given a guft, and now can’t expect one from you.*

Nope not being contrary.

I love seeing newborns. I usually take a gift agree. But when I had mine some people didn't bring gifts.

So what? It was about seeing them. I didn't give the gift bit 2 thoughts.

It IS entitled to be focused on the gift and not the visit or the friend.
^
And the whole tit for tat "well I'm not giving her one " is well, so childish.^

sunglassesonthetable · 11/07/2023 07:48

It's embarrassing of OP to be focusing on the gift.

LolaSmiles · 11/07/2023 09:36

It's embarrassing of OP to be focusing on the gift.
I agree.
I'd normally take a gift for either baby or mum, but if someone didn't bring one for me I'd not be getting annoyed.

The OP's outlook seems odd because it's based on the idea that she's very kindly allowing her friends to see the baby as if it's a big act of kindness that the friends should be grateful for, and therefore come bringing gifts for the privilege of the experience.

Original poster
Freckles978 · 11/07/2023 11:09

Exactly this! It's Just strange not to, and I wouldn't ever appear without a gift if I meet a friend's newborn.

I made a great effort to see my friend, I didn't even want to leave the house!

I have noticed that this friend just wants to take take take, and I can't be give give give all the time with her.

I usually spend £20 - £30 on a gift, and don't think I can bring myself to do it with this friend who is so stingy.

I know this friend has spare money, so it's just her being stingy.

I'm not going to stop being friends with her, just not going to spend any of mine on her.

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 11/07/2023 11:17

Sounds like a lovely friendship. 🙄

GwinCoch · 11/07/2023 11:20

sunglassesonthetable · 11/07/2023 11:17

Sounds like a lovely friendship. 🙄

Took the words right out of my mouth.

GwinCoch · 11/07/2023 11:21

Freckles978 · 11/07/2023 11:09

Exactly this! It's Just strange not to, and I wouldn't ever appear without a gift if I meet a friend's newborn.

I made a great effort to see my friend, I didn't even want to leave the house!

I have noticed that this friend just wants to take take take, and I can't be give give give all the time with her.

I usually spend £20 - £30 on a gift, and don't think I can bring myself to do it with this friend who is so stingy.

I know this friend has spare money, so it's just her being stingy.

I'm not going to stop being friends with her, just not going to spend any of mine on her.

Newsflash - you’re not friends. Friendship isn’t built on judgement/expectation/entitlement.

afaloren · 11/07/2023 11:30

I do bring a gift but you shouldn’t expect one. Did you not WANT to see your friend and ‘let’ her meet your baby?

Mari9999 · 11/07/2023 11:31

@Freckles978
Exactly what wad your friend trying to take by seeing your baby? What benefit did this bring to het life?

Original poster
Freckles978 · 11/07/2023 11:37

She has 'taken' on other occasions

OP posts:
Frankola · 11/07/2023 11:39

I'm here for the laughs on this thread.

Wow OP.

LolaSmiles · 11/07/2023 11:57

From your update it doesn't really sound like a friendship.

It sounds like meeting up, keeping score and paying far too much attention to what she does with her money.

If she's such a taker and you feel as you do, why bother being friends?

Maintaining a friendship on a childish "fine we can be friends but now I won't buy you any more gifts" level is so very petty.

pictoosh · 11/07/2023 12:02

Freckles978 · 10/07/2023 00:55

I guess you don't take gifts to see your friend's newborn?

Also, no one has automatic right to see your newborn. They can wait until the baby is older meet them.

You say that as though you are bestowing her with some great privilege. Other people's babies...meh.

readbooksdrinktea · 11/07/2023 12:15

People's definition of friendship on here is always illuminating. You're not friends. Acquaintances at most surely.

GwinCoch · 11/07/2023 13:15

readbooksdrinktea · 11/07/2023 12:15

People's definition of friendship on here is always illuminating. You're not friends. Acquaintances at most surely.

Exactly.

Lacucuracha · 11/07/2023 13:19

Freckles978 · 11/07/2023 11:09

Exactly this! It's Just strange not to, and I wouldn't ever appear without a gift if I meet a friend's newborn.

I made a great effort to see my friend, I didn't even want to leave the house!

I have noticed that this friend just wants to take take take, and I can't be give give give all the time with her.

I usually spend £20 - £30 on a gift, and don't think I can bring myself to do it with this friend who is so stingy.

I know this friend has spare money, so it's just her being stingy.

I'm not going to stop being friends with her, just not going to spend any of mine on her.

I get what you mean. I have an old friend of at least 25 years. I really like her but after countless dinner invitations at mine, treating her to lots of coffees, she just doesn’t reciprocate.

So now I just meet up with her at restaurants etc and I always just pay for myself.

It doesn’t mean I’m going to stop being friends, but I just curb my own generosity to match hers.

SoSadForCav · 11/07/2023 13:46

RedHelenB · 10/07/2023 06:21

You sound ungrateful. Should she put her social life on hold just because you've had a baby? Mumsnet is barking, how a reasonable social visit is suddenly unreasonable.

Show quote history

@RedHelenB

Do you not think it would have been much nicer if 'Friend' & 'mutual Friend' had asked @HerRoyalNotness if she would like them to bring some lunch around to her?

@HerRoyalNotness they could have offered 'in advance' to bring lunch around & the way she handled it was hurtful.

How has she been in the years since?

maybe she was just completely clueless or didn't want to over stay her welcome?

but yes, hurtful in the moment x