To destroy my family for sex?

[Daebak]

Obviously slightly hyperbolic title, but also honestly how I feel sometimes.

I know there has already been quite a few threads on this sort of thing before (I believe I have searched and read every one) so I will summarise the important bits.

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it. This usually ends in one of two outcomes. He refuses to talk about it at all, or he starts promising to try more.

I swing between feeling like a sex pest for even mentioning how unhappy I am and feeling angry at DH seemingly just not caring about the pain he is causing me.

It would make it easier if he was honest. I’ve begged him for the brutal truth so I can try to fix whatever it is. He says he is still attracted to me, that there is no problem and I’m making a fuss about nothing, that he wants me…but nothing ever changes and there is clearly a huge problem.

It’s hard to describe the deep soul crushing despair that the man I love just isn’t interested in me ‘that way’ at all.

He does have a medical issue, but he is seeking no help for it. I’ve even made him appointments when he has expressed a wish to get help that he just doesn’t bother showing up to.

It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all. And the effect it has had on me feels catastrophic. I used to be quite confident and happy, bubbly even. Now I feel so unattractive, like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house.

We have two children, upper primary ages. The thought of me turning their word upside down ‘just’ because I’m not having sex is ridiculous and selfish isn’t it? Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself.

But I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m a shell of my former self. I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has.

Has anyone stayed/left in this situation? Many of the threads I’ve read don’t really cover whether it was worth it to leave an otherwise happy marriage for sex.

Thank you, and for alerting me to the article posted above. I’ve read a fair bit around the subject and I’m generally quite protective of my OH, because I don’t think the can help it. But as the article says, it doesn’t change anything. Perhaps some men like this can make active decisions to try and find solutions, but since executive functioning issues form part of the autism, it’s like a catch-22.

I appreciate your kindness, thank you.

Thank you, that’s very sweet.

I fully understand how you feel, I just left a very similar situation. One minute it feels insignificant, next minute when I’m alone I feel rejected, unlovable, weird, upset that he refuses to discuss, desperate and yes suicidal when you dwell on it and think this is your future. We split up over and over re this. Finally left for good as interest from someone else made me realise what I’m missing in life. It’s not trivial, feeling loved and wanted is the most important part of a relationship.
I agree with others, it’s disrespect of what you need to make you happy and intimacy evasion. He may have issues but that doesn’t make you feel any better.
Good luck x

Yes, this is exactly it. OP he is hurting as much as you, but his response is to shut down and avoid it. Have a read about avoidant attachment types for more info and coping mechanisms for you. I can offer a glimmer of hope in that I was in a similar situation and it was a massive issue. It has taken a lot of time and effort and adjustments, but we are now back on an even keel and having great sex again. You will need couples therapy and he won't want to go. I can recommend somebody great if you pm me.

His attitude towards you and the situation is what is awful and he can’t expect you to put up with it (but he does).

He’s had plenty of chances to take your feelings seriously, one more will make no difference.

Its none of your family’s business why you are leaving and I wouldn’t get in to it, from what your say they won’t get it and they aren’t the ones who have to live your life.

Good luck OP.

My first instinct on reading your post is that he might be gay, OP. Loves you, but isn't attracted to you. But I guess you'd have noticed that earlier in your relationship.

Just curious, would you still say he was the love of your life?

You might have stopped reading already, but wanted to say my piece.

Dont belittle your needs by saying it’s ‘just’ sex (and unfair of PPs to say that). This is your whose relationship. What you’ve described is a lack of any sort of spouse-relationship closeness and intimacy. Instead, you’re best friends and that is NOT what you signed up for, and not what you need, particularly if your own personal way of communicating love is through physical intimacy.

It’s extremely sad and I really feel for you xx

Op, I wanted to reiterate that you’ve done nothing wrong. You’re not destroying anything. He is. He deliberately and cruelly voided the marriage years ago. I think you’ll regret it if you stay. The longer you stay the less of a chance you’ll have to find a true marriage partner. I don’t normally say to leave a marriage but you’re not really in a marriage are you?

I have been in your shoes (but 8 years without!). To those who can't see why lack of intimacy might be so hurtful, just imagine being rejected over and over at a most vulnerable moment, that's what happens. Because once you get rejected a few times, you then become worried and anxious about the why of it, which means the next time you're rejected it feels like a kick in the stomach, and worse the next time and the next. It's NOT just about 'being attractive to him', it's about him not being able to be loving in a way a partner is. (In my case, and it sounds like yours too, he wasn't even physically 'loving' as some of my friends are! They'd give me a good hug if I needed it!)

I think I maybe even posted about it here, many years ago. I did wonder about his sexual orientation and still do. We split up a few years ago and he's had girlfriends since, but I still wonder. Thing is, I do think a lot of men just go off sex, just as women do at certain points in their lives, and maybe it's just that, hormones changing etc. Regardless, the lack of desire to do something about it, knowing how much it hurts you, means it's not true love/care - I wouldn't suggest a man 'like back and think of England' or anything, but at the very least they should be able to cuddle etc.

I 100% think it's a good reason to leave a marriage and set up a new family way of life. If he's like my ex, he'll tell you you're breaking up the family and make you feel rubbish. I hope he's not! But if he is, please know that AFTERWARDS your children will see your confidence grow, your self-esteem return and they will LOVE it, and they will be better adults because they'll have seen you making an important and difficult change that was needed. Hugs!

I could have written your whole post, practically word for word. He's my soulmate, I actually don't want anyone else and I don't want sex with anyone else but I'm at a loss at what to do. I don't want to leave him as we do have a very happy life, aside from the very crap, non-existent sex life.

He won't address things, doesn't communicate, complains I nag him when I mention it, he's been to the GP and was offered treatments for both the problems with sex and the underlying condition he has - he just doesn't go back. I've suggested things to 'spice' things up, offered to come with to appointments etc, offered to go to counselling/therapy, asked him if he has any sex drive at all etc and I'm still not sure what to do.

I feel like I'm constantly grieving, that there's part of me missing. The hardest part is knowing that the very very rare occasions we do have sex, it's fantastic and we remember what it always used to be like.

Unfortunately, it's now to the point where I can't even be bothered with it myself, because the asking, the promises and the rejection is just far too exhausting on top of everything else I have going on. I hope you find your answers, as much as I'm hoping I find mine, OP.

I think he is asexual they have no sex drive I'm in the same situation

Do you try with him? I think there is a difference between you trying and being turned down and neither of you trying.

Me and OH went through this, he said he was fed up of being the only one initiating it so now we both put in more effort. Life/kids/work does take up a lot of our energy

"Do you try with him?"

Have you read the thread? Do you not think women have exhausted every avenue before posting here?

My exH did not touch me for a year before he left. I used to joke that being married meant that he was legally required to shag me. He was horrified when I mentioned it in couples counselling. It affects every part of your life.
My advice - contact a solictor. Get a divorce. Get him out of your house.

I’m in a very similar situation.

I ended up having to have some form of control as used to get upset. When we did have sex it was when he fancied it and was boring - he ended up not even coming. I felt like a hideous smelly wart ridden bog witch. I ended up having a discussion with myself which went along the lines of ‘he’s not going to change so learn to live with it’ I became emotionally detached from him and it has got me through. We haven’t had sex in about 6-7 years.

I’m aware it’s not ideal and I do want to leave the marriage.

When I used to question the issue I also got the “I find you v sexy, blah blah” , when I mentioned divorce he would say “so that’s going to be yr reason when people ask why we’re splitting up” like it was ridiculous.

I do feel for you and can understand how you feel.

I'm like you. I stayed. Not wanting to rock the boat. Not wanting my kids growing up without their dad.
Made to feel abnormal for wanting sex. For needing intimacy.

Forced celibacy.
I've not had sex for 10 yrs now. And I bloody well miss it. Miss being held, miss being touched.
I feel its too late for me now.

@puffylovett

im curious too!
glad you are happy now

Don't stay in a marriage your unhappy in. This relationship is clearly impacting your MH. Unfortunately, your husband either doesnt understand the issue or doesnt care. Obviously, he should have sex if he doesn't want to but you shouldn't have to live in a sexless marriage if you don't want to.

The lack of intimacy would be a deal breaker for me. I need physical contact. I feel lonely enough already.

You don't need him to agree to divorce him. In all honesty I think you should follow through regardless. Even if he wants to initiate intimacy now you'll wonder I'd he wants you or the comfort of staying married.

In case it helps, I was on the other side of this and caused - very much unintentionally - pain and distress to my now ex, with very similar behaviour.

The fact was my love has morphed from a romantic one to a more friend-type love. I didn’t know how to communicate this honestly for fear of breaking his heart, breaking up family etc. I tried ignoring it for a bit, hoping it would come back. It didn’t. I still loved him, just differently. We did hug and stuff but it was often forced from my side and I too would go stiff when approached. For what it’s worth, I felt utterly rubbish - like a really really bad person, all the time. Being rejected is horrible but rejecting isn’t fun either.

In the end, I made the call that however hard it is, splitting up is the kindest thing I can do. A year later, I know it was the right thing to do - hopefully he will now find someone who can give him what he needs, and perhaps I will too, one day.

I hope the same for you and your husband.
Best of luck.

It doesn't sound shallow to say that. You are feeling very depressed about yourself and feel so bad you've had dark thoughts, that's not fine. It's serious, you say your personality has changed. I'd be encouraging him to get his testosterone checked, it's more common than youd think. Something else might be going on physically. Could he be gay? It's not good enough to be unhappy and DH not participating in confronting his issues. You're too young for this.

Sounds heavenly. I’d love to not have to bother - much rather have a nice cup of tea.
However - it doesn’t work for you.
insist on GP visit - and Therapy.,

I left. There were other issues in play as well but the lack of intimacy really destroyed my self esteem. To be constantly turned away is soul destroying. It wasn’t just sex it was any kind of physical contact he would baulk at. My ex even slept in a different room to me …with the dog!! So yes I left 2 years ago and it was the best decision. I still have work to do on myself with a psychologist but I’m in a much better place mentally than I was back then. Good luck, put yourself first x

Life is too short. I walked away from a relationship like this, I have never regretted it. We’re actually still good friends, but I moved on to a far better lover. It’s a big wide world out there, go catch it!

I put up with no physical intimacy, nothing at all since my youngest was conceived. I finally left when he was 7. My kids were fine. In fact my oldest (11 at the time) was glad. And now? 8 years later, I am blissfully happy with an amazing man who happily cooks, cleans and takes me out. Doesn't quiz me when I've been out, we rarely disagree and we have amazing sex. Who knew there were men like him out there? I certainly didn't. Best thing I ever did was leave. Life's too short.