To destroy my family for sex?

[Daebak]

Obviously slightly hyperbolic title, but also honestly how I feel sometimes.

I know there has already been quite a few threads on this sort of thing before (I believe I have searched and read every one) so I will summarise the important bits.

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it. This usually ends in one of two outcomes. He refuses to talk about it at all, or he starts promising to try more.

I swing between feeling like a sex pest for even mentioning how unhappy I am and feeling angry at DH seemingly just not caring about the pain he is causing me.

It would make it easier if he was honest. I’ve begged him for the brutal truth so I can try to fix whatever it is. He says he is still attracted to me, that there is no problem and I’m making a fuss about nothing, that he wants me…but nothing ever changes and there is clearly a huge problem.

It’s hard to describe the deep soul crushing despair that the man I love just isn’t interested in me ‘that way’ at all.

He does have a medical issue, but he is seeking no help for it. I’ve even made him appointments when he has expressed a wish to get help that he just doesn’t bother showing up to.

It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all. And the effect it has had on me feels catastrophic. I used to be quite confident and happy, bubbly even. Now I feel so unattractive, like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house.

We have two children, upper primary ages. The thought of me turning their word upside down ‘just’ because I’m not having sex is ridiculous and selfish isn’t it? Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself.

But I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m a shell of my former self. I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has.

Has anyone stayed/left in this situation? Many of the threads I’ve read don’t really cover whether it was worth it to leave an otherwise happy marriage for sex.

@Daebak it takes two to make a relationship work and you have tried but he isn't interested.

It's not even just about the lack of sex. It's the lack of intimacy, of feeling fully connected to him and knowing he has all of your and you all of him. It's deeper than just a shag.

He is either too proud to get help and meet you half way or he doesn't really care. You didn't sign up for a sexless, intimacy free marriage so why should you put up with it when it was forced on you without a discussion or good reason?

My DH and I have a dead bedroom. He has only just been diagnosed with a medical condition that was affecting his testosterone and therefore his tadger and mood.

He sought medical help and advice though. He also still flirted with me, touched me and made me feel like he fancied me rotted every day so although I have missed the sexy times, I still feel like his goddess.

That is what you are missing and he has inflicted that on you for no good reason.

Do you really want to keep pissing against the wind with him? He hasn't done anything at all to help. Why is that?

I’ve read the comments to this with interest, particularly those who feel this is such a black and white situation. It isn’t. You read a post and you have all of the information OP has given you, but what you don’t understand is that it is a slow erosion. You don’t wake up one morning to find yourself dropped down into this mess. It’s incremental, until one day you wake up and wonder how is this your life?

I get it. I’m living a version of this myself. Before we married, I didn’t realise I was always the one who initiated sex. I didn’t realise he has autism (adult diagnosed now) and has no need for affection. I entered my marriage on good faith that we would both try to resolve issues and that we would communicate. Sex stopped the moment I stopped initiating. And I stopped initiating because I wanted to feel desirable. Because he never tried. I have spoken to him about this many times, and he keeps saying he wants sex and he wants me, and he’s always happily gone alone when I’ve called the shots. Otherwise, he doesn’t think about it. He doesn’t give me affection, he isn’t interested in how I am, he doesn’t want to spend time with me and he doesn’t ask about my interests or achievements. He doesn’t speak to me. He has a special interest hobby and spends all his time on that. He can only really talk about that. I’ve suggested counselling many times. He refuses. He won’t do anything. Perhaps he can’t do anything. As long as I don’t say there is an issue, he thinks this is a happy life - living like housemates.

i will be leaving, and the only reason I haven’t thus far is financial. I simply refuse to leave myself in a worse position because of his choice not to uphold his side of the marriage vows. I’m not angry with him because a large part of me understands that he is a nice person who didn’t choose to have the issues he has. But I don’t have to put up with it either. I can’t. I have so much to give.

I met a man several years ago, during the pandemic. It was accidental. We haven’t been physically intimate due to logistical factors, but he’s been wonderful and kind and patient and made me realise that I’m desirable as I am. I didn’t realise, until him, how much of my self-worth had been eroded. I would never begrudge anyone in my situation happiness where they can find it. I begged, numerous times, over years, for communication, for SOMETHING. I did everything I could. If I’m the monster for prioritising myself, so be it.

Good luck, OP. You’ve done everything you can. I’m excited for you to start the next chapter of your life.

I really don't understand how he can argue that 3 years with no sex at all is 'not that bad'.

Like, how does he even rationalise that? Do you say that to him? "Do you think going 3 years without sex is healthy? Do you think we'll ever have sex again?"

@SunsetOverParadise

It's not just about sex, it's about you not being a priority in his life. You don't mention much else about your home life, but I'd bet this isn't the only thing where you're not a priority, just a housemate and nanny.

Well no. She can just leave if she doesn't want a marriage where an unequivocal ultimatum is the only was her husband gives a shit about her

Thank you OP for sharing what you are going through. You are brave.

I am in a very similar situation.
I have never told anyone or spoken about it as I am too ashamed and embarrassed.
I am just plodding along and just living.

Maybe one day I will be brave like you and talk about it.

Yep, I had the exact same situation many years ago now. I left with the kids. It was hugely painful and difficult but the experience made me a much stronger person and I eventually did meet the love of my life. Not the same for the kids though - they are now grown up and feel the negative experiences impacted on their emotional wellbeing. Good luck - I really do understand how you feel.

I could have written this. So sad. My H refuses to talk about his low drive and ED. He finds me disgusting physically. I have struggled with my weight since DD2. We’re still together as our kids are tots but I do wonder for the future.

Does he tell you that? or is that how you feel about yourself?

I know from his reaction. I thought he was gay but I don’t think that either now. He’s just not bothered at all. It affects me mentally.

I dońt think you are being unreasonable at all, you are being honest about how this lack of intimacy is affecting your relationship and showing how you are willing to try to solve the issue by listening and being supportive.
it is very hard to be in a marriage that appears to be all one sided and you giving everything and feeling like you are getting nothing back. It affects your marriage and your emotional well being. DH needs to be honest about how he feels and open about his worries/concerns otherwise how can you move forward. Tell him you love him and will support him with going to see the GP or health professional that can help him. That you donˋt want to feel this way but can’t help it when he is pushing you away. You are being very patient but he has to meet you half way and that’s what a loving relationship is about sharing the love the good times and the bad times.
Try to reassure him that you can face whatever he is worried about together and problem shared can be a problem halved.
Asking does he want to sort this out or his he feeling the same way?
l really hope you find a way to get through this and work things out as it is soul destroying living the way you are.

Haven’t read everything but this was my situation too. If I went over for a cuddle he would raise his arm up to the headboard to not put it around me. Never any hand-holding. I was always weird.
I left and have now been almost 5 years with a loving partner who sleeps with his arm over me, reaches for me in the night, holds my hand when we walk. It makes me want to cry thinking about it - honestly so precious and I can’t imagine going back to the cold days. Good luck OP x

@Cuba2909 OP has tried all that. He called her a nymphomaniac FGS

He's probably deeply embarrassed and ashamed of the ED and just hoping you'll just ignore it, but Usually if you have other types of intimacy that tends to lead to sex, and if you have an otherwise good communication going on, there's obviously a problem and a blockage- but if it could be sorted through treating the ED, why doesn't he? The ED is a massive thing and he is refusing to address it calling someone a Nympho because the problem lies with you is deflection and a horrible thing to do. The ED probably makes him feel inadequate if that was addressed with the situation change. It makes me laugh that people say in otherwise good value relationships where there is no sex there obviously is some kind of deep rooted problem as you are basically companions.

If he just refuses to seek help and pretends that there is no problem he is breaking up your family. You didn't get married to be celibate. Your children will adjust to spending time with both parents separately. You can't go on like you are or it will be bad for your mental health. I'd crack in with a divorce in your shoes.

@betterthanbitter That is a useful article, but it seems to describe the position that @SunsetOverParadise is in not OPs. As Sunset has alluded to which I have emboldened:

He can only really talk about that. I’ve suggested counselling many times. He refuses. He won’t do anything. Perhaps he can’t do anything. As long as I don’t say there is an issue, he thinks this is a happy life - living like housemates.

Sunset's living with someone who just does not know - realistically may never know - how to deal with it. That is sad for the pair of them.

@SunsetOverParadise Good luck. I hope it is an easy process and your STBXH gets the support he needs. You seem well rounded if a bit exasperated...!

I can't honestly remember the last time we had sex, but that's because we're both too knackered, not because one of us has an issue that we're too selfish to deal with. That's what it boils down to. He doesn't care about you enough to make the effort to rectify the issue. You are absolutely not being ridiculous, it's not about the physical act, it's the lack of intimacy and care for you that's bringing you down. Give him an ultimatum to sort the problem and if he won't, leave him. It won't ever sort itself and you'll get more depressed and angry and cheat on him, which I'm sure you don't want to do

I’m not for ending a marriage lightly, but he is withholding affection, intimacy, and sex and refuses to discuss that fact or resolve it. Three years without sex? You are not a nympho, how ridiculous. He is manipulating you with his dismissive language. He’s the one with problems, not you.

I think you’ve given it the old college try. The age gap may be making itself known at this point. Regardless, he is acting foolish and deserves whatever he gets including divorce papers.

You deserve a real marriage which yes does include physical intimacy and affection.

You are only in your early 30s, OP, so it will be decades - maybe never - before not having sex won't matter to you. Stop giving him second, third, fourth etc chances, it's your life and you need to live it because it's the only one you get. He's tried to tell you it's your problem - it isn't. LTB. Good luck.

If he does have an impairment like ED, that is not an excuse for withholding affection and intimacy and to at least discuss treatment possibilities. He’s not even trying to resolve this issue.

It might feel like it's a trivial issue OP, but it's not at all. Without intimacy, most people would say there's no relationship, just a friendship / co-parenting situation.
If two people can live with that situation, ok.
But most people can't.
You deserve happiness. Sounds like it's time to make a tough decision and move forward.

💐 you deserve a marriage of affection and intimacy and caring. Happy for you that you’ve met someone.

@Daebak well, you tried. You tried VERY hard and now it’s definitely time to stop flogging that dead horse. It’s such a shame you titled your thread ‘to break up my family for sex’, because that’s not why you’re ending things really. You’re taking charge of your life because you’re husband is incredibly selfish, treats you with contempt, uses you and your good nature to live a life that suits him - despite knowing that his cold, callous and calculating behaviour is making you utterly miserable. Imagine bringing up a child that you never touched, hugged, kissed, looked in the eyes, even held. That would be emotional abuse, and the child would be seriously damaged by this. In the same way, a husband who treats his wife, and the mother of his children, in this way - is also guilty of emotional abuse. And the children who witness their mother being treated as another household appliance are also being damaged, for this is their ‘normal’. You’re not breaking up this marriage - he already shattered it. You’re just going to put the pieces in the bin.