To destroy my family for sex?

[Daebak]

Obviously slightly hyperbolic title, but also honestly how I feel sometimes.

I know there has already been quite a few threads on this sort of thing before (I believe I have searched and read every one) so I will summarise the important bits.

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it. This usually ends in one of two outcomes. He refuses to talk about it at all, or he starts promising to try more.

I swing between feeling like a sex pest for even mentioning how unhappy I am and feeling angry at DH seemingly just not caring about the pain he is causing me.

It would make it easier if he was honest. I’ve begged him for the brutal truth so I can try to fix whatever it is. He says he is still attracted to me, that there is no problem and I’m making a fuss about nothing, that he wants me…but nothing ever changes and there is clearly a huge problem.

It’s hard to describe the deep soul crushing despair that the man I love just isn’t interested in me ‘that way’ at all.

He does have a medical issue, but he is seeking no help for it. I’ve even made him appointments when he has expressed a wish to get help that he just doesn’t bother showing up to.

It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all. And the effect it has had on me feels catastrophic. I used to be quite confident and happy, bubbly even. Now I feel so unattractive, like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house.

We have two children, upper primary ages. The thought of me turning their word upside down ‘just’ because I’m not having sex is ridiculous and selfish isn’t it? Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself.

But I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m a shell of my former self. I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has.

Has anyone stayed/left in this situation? Many of the threads I’ve read don’t really cover whether it was worth it to leave an otherwise happy marriage for sex.

@TheGander Thank You

@SayHi its interesting that you dont see what i have with OM as a relationship despite it involving affection and sex.

Better pop over to the Relationships board and tell those not living with their partners that its not actually a relationship.

I love the terminology being used on this thread though OM + OTHER man which intimates you are having sex with more than one person. And extra marital affair. How the fuck is it EXTRA when its actually the only.

Its almost as if society wants to pretend that these problems in marriage dont happen.

I wouldn't. People can pretend kids are fine in broken homes to try and ease their conscience but they really aren't. So unless you are in an abusive relationship, you should work on things rather than destroy your kids security.

she has been working on things, but when the other party refuses to engage that rather puts a halt on making any progress.

@kitsuneghost broken homes come on now!
Not many things are less ‘secure’ than a marriage without sex, one person usually seeks it elsewhere and it’s usually the person who doesn’t want to have sex with their spouse.

@kitsuneghost Would have been a lot more honest of you to post "its a womans job to hold a family together" cos thats what you meant

Sorry when you said OM I thought you were having an affair on your poor DH.

I didn’t realise you and DH weren’t together anymore.
My mistake.

I still live with DH Hes not a bad man at all Hes kind in lots of ways but its been 27 years since there has been any physical contact between us. He just didnt want touch at all. He doesnt understand why its needed. But you already knew that i was still living with him You were just being sarcastic.

Both OP and myself were very young when we got into these relationships. Which seems to have passed a lot of posters by.

Its the ONLY because OMs penis is the only penis entering my vagina. So therefore its not extra. Its only Hope thats clear enough

I’m not judging when I say this, just curious, does your husband know?

@JenniferBooth
I’m happy that you’re happy.
I understand your posts and where you’re coming from. You were young, naive and got a bum deal and now you’re happier. Your DH isn’t interested in physical touch of any kind and doesn’t understand why anyone/you would need it. You did what you had to do in the circumstances and are now much happier for it. Don’t get upset with people who do not know you or your situation, and/or who have not walked in your shoes. At least you are not wasting the rest of your life away lonely, depressed and regretful.

I stay away overnight and he doesnt ask where i go so i think so

@BelieveThemtheFirstTime Thank You As i posted above i was suicidal in August 21 and i had an overwhelming fear of time running out which caused huge anxiety. And i know that the lockdowns played a part too. It proved that anything can be snatched away with no notice

I am in your position OP and it is upsetting, but I have learnt to adapt and accept it since I feel unable to instigate a split. I also feel very undesirable but I have worked hard at making myself fulfilled in all the other areas of my life. When my DD is older and in a better place mentally, I will find a way to make up for these years of abstinence. And my DD is affectionate so that helps in terms of feeling loved and appreciated. Sorry you are so down though, it is disappointing and I get it.

@JenniferBooth why don't you leave your DH?

DH became disabled ten years after anything physical between us stopped.

@Daebak Hope things go better than you hope they will

@Daebak I hope you both make positive progress and have a breakthrough tonight. Good luck.

That’s called an open relationship where you are allowed to have sex with someone else as your DH has given his blessing.

OP has already said that wouldn’t happen in her marriage.

Yes! The feeling of constant insecurity when you know that what you have is built over a fault. The fear, all the time.

I don’t kid myself that splitting was ‘best’ for your young dc. I really don’t know what the alternative would have been like for them long term.. But I am more relaxed, more myself, and feel I am a better parent now than I was before.

I haven't read the full thread op but I feel so bad for you. You sound so very sad and why wouldn't you? Your one source of romantic affection is basically rejecting you constantly and worst still, he won't tell you why.

We've had some issues in the sex dept and there's a similar age gap too. At one point I felt like you did. Trying to get him to communicate was like banging my head against a wall and I always felt like he was keeping something from me. Even then he was still loving and tactile in other ways though, I don't think I'd have managed without that. And gradually over time we did begin to communicate more and although sex isn't as adventurous or as often as I'd like, it's definitely improved.

I think you need to make him aware of how bitterly disappointed, hurt and close to the edge you actually are. Tell him you're thinking of leaving not just because of the sex aspect but the total lack of regard for your feelings. The secrecy. The deflection. The lack of any affection. You are not asking for the world!

If things don't improve I'm afraid I see a very unhappy future for you and at your age it really doesn't have to be that way.

fair points, but also most relationships don't break down to this point that affairs are considered

If you really don't want to leave the marriage, could you have an open marriage instead?

Seriously - in a thread with 273 posts, you can't read OP's posts at least?!

Well…I’m afraid it went as expected.

At first he refused to talk about it at all. It’s not the time and I should stop bothering him. Why did I want to ruin what had been a lovely family day?

When it was clear I really was not going to just shut up and go away he changed to the other tactic.

I’m exaggerating. It’s not that bad. He would never agree to leave for such a ridiculous reason. How selfish. ‘What is wrong with me?’

I tried my best to make him understand just how serious I am, but it felt like trying to talk to a wall or that I was speaking another language.

As far as I’m concerned I’ve tried everything I could, at least I can say that. Starting this week I intend to start to line up the mumsnet ducks.