To destroy my family for sex?

[Daebak]

Obviously slightly hyperbolic title, but also honestly how I feel sometimes.

I know there has already been quite a few threads on this sort of thing before (I believe I have searched and read every one) so I will summarise the important bits.

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it. This usually ends in one of two outcomes. He refuses to talk about it at all, or he starts promising to try more.

I swing between feeling like a sex pest for even mentioning how unhappy I am and feeling angry at DH seemingly just not caring about the pain he is causing me.

It would make it easier if he was honest. I’ve begged him for the brutal truth so I can try to fix whatever it is. He says he is still attracted to me, that there is no problem and I’m making a fuss about nothing, that he wants me…but nothing ever changes and there is clearly a huge problem.

It’s hard to describe the deep soul crushing despair that the man I love just isn’t interested in me ‘that way’ at all.

He does have a medical issue, but he is seeking no help for it. I’ve even made him appointments when he has expressed a wish to get help that he just doesn’t bother showing up to.

It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all. And the effect it has had on me feels catastrophic. I used to be quite confident and happy, bubbly even. Now I feel so unattractive, like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house.

We have two children, upper primary ages. The thought of me turning their word upside down ‘just’ because I’m not having sex is ridiculous and selfish isn’t it? Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself.

But I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m a shell of my former self. I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has.

Has anyone stayed/left in this situation? Many of the threads I’ve read don’t really cover whether it was worth it to leave an otherwise happy marriage for sex.

You are dealing with a very messed up man, an angry and controlling abuser, and I urge you to end the marriage.

Be very careful. Get your life together - finances amd financial plan, meetings with solicitor, and decisions made about what you want and what's possible wrt the house, marital debts, children - and then file for divorce.

Talk to a solicitor about whether you would compromise your rights to the family home if you were to move out with the children before divorce.

If you had a happy life and a good husband, he wouldn't resort to bullying and name calling would he?

He has called you a nymphomaniac just for having sexual desire and intimacy needs! He is shaming you and making you feel dirty. That is gross and unacceptable!

He won't let you see someone else for sex.

He won't let you use a sex toy.

He won't end the marriage.

So you're a mother and a maid and you're a prisoner. You're being denied a sex life. You're being shaned for wanting one. He won't get help for his "issue" but expects you to be fine with it.

He doesn't sound like a nice guy at all. I'm very angry on your behalf op.

LTB.

There is nothing wrong with you. Don't let him make you believe that. There is clearly something going on with him that he is unwilling to discuss. I suggest you begin to check out emotionally now and start getting your practical bits sorted too. Is there anywhere you could go for a few days for a bit of headspace?

I've stayed for 10years it's destroyed me like literally wreaked me
I'm not overly sexual but a husband who literally jumps out the way when you try to.kiss them and you sobbing in to the fridge on Xmas day is horrible.
He is not withdrawing a cuddle to sleep with is the most touching he has done in years and I hqve a upper aged primary child too and I can't cope anymore. It's not just sex it's love and you sound like you want to be loved. Which is what marriages are for. I don't really care about a new relationship when I get out of this. But I don't want o be in a relationship that has no.love

Agree with @mathanxiety your "D" H is a controlling abuser. Im sorry it went as predicted.

you've tried your best, OP, he is the one who is refusing to address the massive issues in your marriage.

I'm sorry to hear that it didn't go well this evening.
Please know that you are normal for your requests for intimacy and your not going crazy.
I think its time for you to put yourself first as your marriage seems like it has hit some kind of barrier.

I hope things work out for you with whatever you decide to do.

Sorry it didn’t go well but don’t let him gaslight you into being the one with the problem. 3 years is too long. I hope you can look onto the next phase with positivity.
btw my best friend just started a new relationship she’s 47 and he’s a bit older and she’s the happiest I’ve ever seen her. There is life after your current relationship ends!

At least you can always look back and know that you’ve tried to make it work.

My friend was in the exact same position and his wife said all of the things that your DH did and still blamed him when he finally left.

He still has guilt for breaking up the family but he knows he’s done the right thing.

You have tried your best and now it’s time to move out and focus on yourself instead of putting all your energy into a relationship that doesn’t work.

OP, you obviously didn't give him the ultimatum did you. If you did, it may have been different.

I left because of this and I would do so again.

Yeah right, he's not changing because OP didn't give him a clear enough ultimatum 🙄
She shouldn't have to do that. If he was a loving husband, he'd care that she was upset and not dismiss her feelings.

You’ve tried again and he continues to gaslight you. You’ll be much happier when you won’t have to deal with being treated so badly. He doesn’t think you’re going to leave him, but he’ll be in for a shock soon enough. Good luck re. your exit plan.

She shouldn't have to, but it appears she does.

@Daebak

oh well Op you gave him a chance and he blew it 🤷‍♀️

you deserve SOOOO much better

Why should OP settle for grudging sex from a man who views her as Quasimodo?

Starting this week I intend to start to line up the mumsnet ducks.

I'm sorry to hear about the conversation.

But I'm glad you have some clarity now & a plan to move ahead. You deserve a chance at happiness & to have peace from this controlling hurtful situation.

You've taken the first step - onwards & upwards 💪

Ah OP. I'm sorry. For me it wouldn't be the lack of sex (my DH is asexual and although I am not, I have a pretty low sex drive and it's something I can accept as part of the whole package of our marriage). It's the lack of intimacy and affection and feeling wanted. DH cuddles, kisses, gives back rubs, holds hands, tells me I'm gorgeous all the time etc - makes it very clear how much he adores and wants to be with me irrespective of the lack of sex. If he didn't, I wouldn't stay. If he wasn't willing to talk about difficult subjects or tried to turn things around so that they're my fault, again, I wouldn't stay.

In your place I think I would have to accept that my relationship was basically dead. You deserve more than this.

This could have been me writing this a year ago. The only difference is I loved my husband and he loved me. We did at the time live like housenates and didn't have sex for about 18 months. Before that it was probably twice a year! We did openly talk about though and tried to change but rarely did. We had a tough time with our teen and life got very difficult. I can relate to so many of the feelings you describe. My husband was never nasty though.
So fast forward to now I made the decision to stay as I knew it would ruin my kids. My daughter already suffers greatly with her mental health and I thought life isn't that bad. We are happy ish. For us it was just sex. We were affectionate sometimes.
Anyway I'm not sure how it happened really but thank god we didn't split as we are now having regular sex. I can't believe it!
I do think your situation is different though and with the age difference too you will meet someone else and get the relationship you deserve. Good luck with it all.

Really well done for trying, I can’t begin to understand how hard it must be that your husband doesn’t care how you feel about this situation and belittling it.

Said it before and I’ll say it again, you get one life only.

Good luck OP.

Does he ever take responsibility for anything @Daebak ?

I'm sorry your talk went the way it did but now you know, you've done all you could. I hope he doesn't try to be obstructive with how you proceed with your life. Best of luck to you

@Daebak I am so sorry to read this latest update from you but wanted to encourage you to fight for yourself. Always yourself and don't get convinced you are selfish. You can make your children's future better if you are feeling better. Put yourself first. I sense there's way more to his story that he lets you see and you might learn more if you start to move out of this relationship. Be ready for that disappointment too.

"Extra" in this case is a prefix meaning "outside of". "Extramarital" means "outside of the marriage".

The term "other" is to distinguish the affair partner from the spouse.

As a child of parents who were together but clearly not intimate or loving I'd suggest you leave. I never learnt what a healthy relationship looked like so ended up in unhealthy ones and gaining lots of baggage in my 20's

I am so glad someone else wrote the same I did several pages back. I am also such a child and staying for the sake of children is the worse I can imagine. I begged my mum to leave and my dad, who's still alive, is still the same selfish unloving person as he was 25 years ago. They never change because they don't want to put the effort into the change. Instead they find people who will compensate for them and as kids, we learn all the wrong patterns of behaviour.