This is disgraceful behaviour for an adult, right?

[HettyHetUp]

DD 25 still living at home (unfortunately).

She insists she can’t afford to move out. Doesn’t want to move in with bf. Lots of issues about her cleaning up after herself, not doing anything around the house generally.

She regularly stays at bfs or other friends overnight. Sometimes not letting me know until I text her to ask if she’s coming home.

She regularly doesn’t answer phone or texts asking if she’s back for dinner.

I’d rather she just bugger off actually so DS can have her room which is only slept in half the week and still looks like a bomb site.

Last night (Friday) she said she was staying at a friends and would be back in the morning. Didn’t show which is not usual. I text her at 6pm asking if she’d be back for dinner, no response. Tried calling her during the evening but her phone goes straight to voicemail. No response to later texts.

She’s a relatively new driver so knows I worry if she doesn’t answer.

AIBU to think if you live with other people you let them what you’re doing so they don’t worry that something might have happened to you no matter how old you are?

Then surely you wouldn’t be living at home then? If you’re an adult and you’re still living with your parents then you show courtesy. Good manners doesn’t have a cut-off age.

If you have lent her money, I'm guessing she has totally wasted the opportunity to save while she lives at home. Everyone needs to grow up at some point, plenty of people her age have no choice but to manage and if she hasn't used her time at home wisely she needs some tough love to actually learn to be an adult. I felt embarrassed for her reading your post, fancy having a hissy fit over your mum not cooking tea at 25! I was married with a DC renting our own place with absolutely no family help at her age.

She certainly was not raised like this.
Certainly don’t infantilise her,

She has to tell you where she is all the time. You cook her meals. You don’t ask for rent. You lend her money over and over even when you know she won’t pay you back. You don’t expect her to respect you or your house. You take on the burden of her lack of responsibility and maturity. she has no consequences. She’s 25 and not allowed to cook her own food.
you absolutely infantilise her.

If she can’t look after herself, she can’t feed herself and keep a place clean, she can’t pay bills, and she can’t keep a job, she will absolutely fall flat on her face if you kick her out. How are you going to cope with that, because if you’ll just take her back in and start the process again there’s no point kicking her out, try to find another solution.

Having read your update then I think he needs to go. She is causing disruption and is being abusive to you. Threats of self harm are manipulative . She needs to start to live like an adult, find a room in a shared house and deal with others in a respectful way.

Rules.
She buys and cooks her own food, and cleans up after herself and her room.

If she doesn't follow these rules she will be evicted.

If she throws a hissy fit, she gets her eviction notice now.

I’ve asked her many times to leave but she plays the mental health card, threatens to harm herself. She shouts and swears, calls me a cunt etc. She deliberately shouts as she knows I don’t like DSs and neighbours hearing so will back down. She has turned into a monster but certainly was not raised like this.

Sorry OP I missed this update. You need to prioritise your younger children now, your DD has had enough help from you. It's totally unfair on your sons to live in this environment and sharing a room because an adult is refusing to leave.

She is probably depressed because of her lifestyle. She needs to think about the path her life is taking and what she wants to achieve.

Our 25 year old dd still lives with us.
She has had issues with her MH: anxiety, depression, self harm (cutting, overdosing, withholding food). At 17 she was diagnosed with ADHD and medicated. She manages the anxiety and depression. Uni was a bit rubbish due to Covid but she graduated.

She is messy (I nag)
She deals with her MH
She has successfully done a hard job for two years (teacher)
She cooks her dinner every day and doesn't clean up as well as I would like
She sees her bf at weekends. He also lives at home and is doing professional exams. He is ASD and equally quirky.
She has a car (which we bought)
She pays a token £130 pcm
I am still paying for her mobile

It hasn't been easy but she is a fully functioning adult we text 3/4 times a day. She usually let's me know when she's home. She checks in when she's out. She lets me know if she's staying at bf's or if they are coming back here.

She has always had firm boundaries. She has always had unconditional love. As has her bf. She has had shedloads of therapy and it isn't a one size fits all mechanism although you hope it will be as every session is between £50 and £130. I found that therapists are a bit like comfy shoes - you try a lot before you find one that fits/suits.

I really feel for you op but I donthink you and your dd would benefit from some professional and independent in-put. I don't think you can wash your hands of her. Remember that every abused woman is isolated in some way from their families. Every woman (or man) should know they can always go home when the chips are down.

Hi OP
My daughter very similar age doesn’t live at home anymore but her behaviour was very similar to your daughters without the threats of self harm, it’s very stressful for you and your family, sorry.
I don’t know if anyone has suggested it but my daughter was diagnosed with ADHD (as an adult) which I had suspected from childhood, she couldn’t focus to study for exams even though she did very well, naturally very bright, couldn’t tidy her room it was always a tip she just couldn’t organise herself to do it, constantly lost keys so I stopped giving them to her, passports until passport office would only issue a yearly one, expensive clothing and jewellery, bank cards etc. She also struggled to stay focused at work.
She’s been on medication for past couple of years and she says it’s been a game changer for her and says her life would be so different if she’d been on it before, she’s organised and focused and doing really well at work.
I really hope you can work things out together. Good luck.

I would ask her to move out. I'd definitely stop doing any catering for her and I also wouldn't bother trying to track her movements. I'd also go in and clean her room when she was out, if she isn't happy with that then she should find her own place.

She's not even a young person - she's a fully grown woman who has no respect for you, no manners and not even the empathy to understand you will worry if she doesn't come home. Even when I lived with friends or family as an adult, we all told each other if we were stating out and when we would be back - It's a household of people who should give a shit about each other. She should be cooking for YOU! You have done your bit. She needs to move out asap. You are just enabling her to be horrible. frankly.

I lived with my parents until I was into my early thirties. I paid rent, let them know if I was going to be home or not that night and if I wanted dinner that night. They would never have asked me where I was going or what I doing but I saw it as a common courtesy to tell them if I’d be there or not so my mum didn’t worry. Throwing hissy fits though and expecting you to open the door at all hours is totally unacceptable. Tell her what time you are locking the door at and give her the options either she is in before then or she gets her own key cut. The only other option is spending the night away at a friends or her boyfriends. Tell her that you will no longer be making any meals for her unless she asks and If she runs out of money and can’t run the car then you and her dad will buy her a bus pass but no more loans for petrol. Agree with your husband what boundaries you will set before hand and show a strong united front so that she knows she can’t manipulate you or play you off against each other.

Time to let her go, I think.

She's staying at home because it's easiest for her but if it's making everyone else miserable then she needs to go.

A few months renting, paying bills and cleaning up after herself will do er the world of good.

Are you in the position financially to help her with the 2 months rent upfront? I know it's a big ask, especially when she owes you so much already, but I do think it would ease the transition, if possible.

She owes me £1500 for money I’ve lent her over the last 3 months and I want it back so can’t kick her out now. DH wouldn’t let me anyway!

There you go two against one.
Your DD doesn't have a problem with the way she treats you and your home and by not seeing things the way they are your DH doesn't have a problem with the way she behaves either, so until he's on side you're fighting a losing battle.

In an ideal world it would be wonderful if you could take yourself away from the situation and let your DH deal with her, but I'd imagine that's not a choice you have.

I suspect that the posters telling the OP that she is infantilising her daughter haven't read the OP's updates, and have no idea how many hoops people have to jump through to rent somewhere or how difficult it is to find rental properties.

@HettyHetUp you have my sympathy. I have no answers, but if your daughter can't behave like an adult she can't expect you to treat her like one.

Is there a time when she is calm and happy when you can sit down and have a calm chat about how you can go forward?

If its difficult to rent then the daughter should behave better , as there is no alternative, perhaps the daughter needs to think about what it would be like to be actually homeless?

Do you honestly think that would have occurred to her?

She is clearly too self absorbed and lacks social awareness to realise this. I also suspect that something else is going on, whether it is mental health issues, drugs or something else, we don't know.

As the parent of an adult DD (22) I know I would find it very difficult to kick her out of the house. Fortunately DD is nothing like the OP's DD. She is independent, working and living 100 miles away.

@HettyHetUp came on here looking for constructive advice but instead some posters are delighting in giving her a kicking and just telling her to change the locks won't solve anything. She needs to find out why her daughter behaves like this.

I think it wouldn't have occurred to her because her dad is making excuses and not supporting his wife. So she has that leeway. However, I have,as a former homeless officer, dealt with many young adults who have been told to leave by parents and have been given countless warnings. When they are shown the door they are dumbstruck and don't get how awful they have been. Most commonly the parent will say the child treats the house like a hotel. She needs to understand that she can be told to leave and would have to go, and how much worse off she could be.

Sorry she calls you a cunt? That's just damn disrespectful, id be mortified if my adult kids said that to me, threatening self harm is a low thing to do. I think you've done all you can , she has to make her own way now and you need to be united with your husband on it. Either she has to move out or she has to make some serious attitude changes , now.

She's 25 years old. Why are you making her dinner? I hope you aren't also doing her washing...

She needs to be told she is 25, she needs to keep her room tidy and do her own cleaning and washing. If she wants dinner you will make it but she has to ask otherwise she can cook for herself.

And I would swap her room with your son's if she is barely home.

I don't think she should have to check in with you though, she's an adult and can do what she likes.

I don't think she should have to check in with you though, she's an adult and can do what she likes.

If she is part of the family household and is usually expected for meal it is only polite to let her family know. That is called good manners
.

She has got to go. If she can’t be arsed to let you know if she’s going to be home to eat. Time to play hardball, but you need your Dh to be on your side.

I don't think she should have to check in with you though, she's an adult and can do what she likes.

Nonsense. It's called common courtesy. The op is not in any way telling her daughter what she can do outside of the home. She's just asking for basic consideration to know her daughter is ok.

But just tell her I'm not doing dinner for you ever. She can hissy fit all you like you can tell her you warned her.

For starters I'd be switching the kids rooms around. She might get the idea to push off if she's put in the smaller room.

25 really is too old to be living at home in my opinion. Does she work?

I totally agree with @Frankola

I would switch their rooms immediately and wouldn't even speak to her about it.