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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is disgraceful behaviour for an adult, right?

267 replies

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:44

DD 25 still living at home (unfortunately).

She insists she can’t afford to move out. Doesn’t want to move in with bf. Lots of issues about her cleaning up after herself, not doing anything around the house generally.

She regularly stays at bfs or other friends overnight. Sometimes not letting me know until I text her to ask if she’s coming home.

She regularly doesn’t answer phone or texts asking if she’s back for dinner.

I’d rather she just bugger off actually so DS can have her room which is only slept in half the week and still looks like a bomb site.

Last night (Friday) she said she was staying at a friends and would be back in the morning. Didn’t show which is not usual. I text her at 6pm asking if she’d be back for dinner, no response. Tried calling her during the evening but her phone goes straight to voicemail. No response to later texts.

She’s a relatively new driver so knows I worry if she doesn’t answer.

AIBU to think if you live with other people you let them what you’re doing so they don’t worry that something might have happened to you no matter how old you are?

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 09/07/2023 11:36

She’s a relatively new driver so knows I worry if she doesn’t answer.

Let's say she moves out tomorrow. Will you still be texting her to find out where she is and worrying when she doesn't respond? She'll still be a new driver, living in your home or otherwise.

It sounds like:

  1. You treat her like a child.
  2. She behaves like a child.

It's impossible to know which one comes first but the relationship seems poorly boundaried and would probably benefit from her being given her notice to quit.

Like hell would I be forcing two teenagers to share a room when there would be another bedroom available for one of them but for a lazy, ill-mannered, entitled 20-something lump who does nothing to contribute and expects to be waited on.

Clymene · 09/07/2023 11:41

She doesn't care that you worry. She doesn't care that she's waking you up.

She treats you, her family and your home with utter contempt. She has no respect for any of you. And you're allowing her to walk all over you.

I bet she's loving the fact that she's driving a wedge between you and her dad too.

Her poor brothers. Forced to share a room because the golden princess who treats the place like a hotel refuses to move out.

Clymene · 09/07/2023 11:42

And if she hasn't been paid from her job and she owes you £1500, how the hell is she able to afford to run a car?

MaggyNoodles · 09/07/2023 11:43

gogomoto · 09/07/2023 10:34

The rule here is that you have to inform me at least 24 hours ahead if you want food, end of no exceptions. If you don't state you'll be here for food you make your own (and shop for ingredients!) two young adults here, we don't charge board but you are expected to let me know what's happening

Are you a operating a Blackpool boarding house in the 70's?

SayHi · 09/07/2023 11:43

Obviously she has a lot of additional issues and it’s not as simple as just kick her out.

The first thing I would do is stop lending her money!
I can’t believe you’ve lent her £1500!
Surely after the first couple hundred you should have realised that it was the wrong thing to do.

You say you’re not infantilising her but then lend her £1500 and for what?

If she runs out of money then she can eat the food you’ve prepared, she doesn’t need additional money.

If she can’t get to work then buy her a bud pass as a last resort.

If she can’t go out and see her friends of bf then so be it.

PaigeMatthews · 09/07/2023 11:45

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 11:00

Just to answer a few questions, she has had keys, she lost them. I’ve told her to get a new key cut herself but she hasn’t. She has turned up at 3am before waking us up to open the door totally not giving a shit. DH and I both work.

She does her own washing but leaves it in the machine for ages and puts it in the dryer on boiling hot days as she can’t be bothered to hang it, leaves it in the dryer when she disappears etc.

She hasn’t paid rent for the last 3 months as she lost her job (regular occurrence) has recently started a new one but not been paid yet. Before that she was paying a nominal amount. DH actually lowered it as she was going on about it being too much. We had a massive row about it.

She owes me £1500 for money I’ve lent her over the last 3 months and I want it back so can’t kick her out now. DH wouldn’t let me anyway! She needs a few months to pay me off then she can sling her hook.

I’ve asked her many times to leave but she plays the mental health card, threatens to harm herself. She shouts and swears, calls me a cunt etc. She deliberately shouts as she knows I don’t like DSs and neighbours hearing so will back down. She has turned into a monster but certainly was not raised like this.

I, myself left home at 18 and was on mat leave, had a mortgage, baby (her) and DH by her age. Certainly don’t infantilise her, I want her gone but if someone says they’re coming home and then don’t, go incommunicado, then you do worry, no? She’s had issues with drinking and drugs in the past.

I’ve even paid for therapy for her as she said she was struggling but she didn’t go so I refused to continue paying for it so she said it’s my fault that she has MH problems!

This is a massive drip feed from not answering texts in the op.

she probably still has a drink and possibly drug problem then.

you wont get the £1500 back. That’s gone. She is abusive towards you. That’s unacceptable and not something you want your younger seeing.

back her stuff up.

Babyroobs · 09/07/2023 11:46

MaggyNoodles · 09/07/2023 11:43

Are you a operating a Blackpool boarding house in the 70's?

Show quote history

Are you always so bloody rude to every poster you reply to ? Genuine question ?

Doggymummar · 09/07/2023 11:47

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:44

DD 25 still living at home (unfortunately).

She insists she can’t afford to move out. Doesn’t want to move in with bf. Lots of issues about her cleaning up after herself, not doing anything around the house generally.

She regularly stays at bfs or other friends overnight. Sometimes not letting me know until I text her to ask if she’s coming home.

She regularly doesn’t answer phone or texts asking if she’s back for dinner.

I’d rather she just bugger off actually so DS can have her room which is only slept in half the week and still looks like a bomb site.

Last night (Friday) she said she was staying at a friends and would be back in the morning. Didn’t show which is not usual. I text her at 6pm asking if she’d be back for dinner, no response. Tried calling her during the evening but her phone goes straight to voicemail. No response to later texts.

She’s a relatively new driver so knows I worry if she doesn’t answer.

AIBU to think if you live with other people you let them what you’re doing so they don’t worry that something might have happened to you no matter how old you are?

Not if you're an adult, no I wouldn't be telling my parents when I'll be home etc

MrsMarzetti · 09/07/2023 11:48

Stop treating her like a child and by that i mean stop cooking for her, stop buying food for her, stop clearing up after her, if she leaves her things lying anywhere but he bedroom bin it. Tell her she is moving rooms and the rent will be £x as of 1st August and the rent covers nothing but a contribution to the energy bills, wifi and nothing else. Food, toiletries etc are up to her. Start treating her like the adult she has been for the last 7 years.

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2023 11:51

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:57

I’ve not done dinner for her before and she’s had a hissy fit! Also left dinner when she said she wanted it and it ended up in the bin - whole chicken fillets etc which is why I like to check in as Im doing it now. Hardly onerous to just say yes or no.

Whats weird about that?

But she's not telling you!

And so what if she has a hissy fit? Presumably she can find the kitchen and cook herself something?

Tell her the front door will be locked at X o'clock unless she tells you she's coming home.
She is responsible for her own meals unless she asks if you'll cook for her too
She is responsible for her own washing and sorting her room
She cleans up after herself in the bathroom and in the kitchen.

Does she pay rent?

And I'm sure she can afford a houseshare.
She either shapes up and learns consideration or she's out.

Quiverer · 09/07/2023 11:51

Doggymummar · 09/07/2023 11:47

Not if you're an adult, no I wouldn't be telling my parents when I'll be home etc

Show quote history

Surely if you area adult you work out that it's basic consideration to keep others rom worrying? And that, if you don't want to do that, you need to move out?

skyeisthelimit · 09/07/2023 11:51

You need to discuss this with your DH because he should be supporting you. She is 25, not a child yet she is acting like a spoiled teenager.

Stop cooking for her. Start charging her rent. Lay down some ground rules that she needs to follow as an adult living with you or she can move out.

1FootInTheRave · 09/07/2023 11:53

The stupid cow needs to move out.

MsSquiz · 09/07/2023 11:55

I'd say £1500 is a small price to pay for the peace of getting her out of the house! She is disrupting everything, has you running around after her, doesn't show you any respect!

I lived at home until I was 28, I paid my DM board, I made 1 meal a week for all of us, made sure to let my DM know if I'd be home for dinner or out for the night, etc. it's just common decency! My DM would do my laundry as it made sense to do everyone's together, but if it wasn't in my laundry basket, it didn't get washed. If I didn't confirm I'd be home for dinner, it didn't get made for me.
You are letting her get away with her behaviour for an easy life, but it's not actually making your life any easier...

Createausername1970 · 09/07/2023 11:56

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 11:00

Just to answer a few questions, she has had keys, she lost them. I’ve told her to get a new key cut herself but she hasn’t. She has turned up at 3am before waking us up to open the door totally not giving a shit. DH and I both work.

She does her own washing but leaves it in the machine for ages and puts it in the dryer on boiling hot days as she can’t be bothered to hang it, leaves it in the dryer when she disappears etc.

She hasn’t paid rent for the last 3 months as she lost her job (regular occurrence) has recently started a new one but not been paid yet. Before that she was paying a nominal amount. DH actually lowered it as she was going on about it being too much. We had a massive row about it.

She owes me £1500 for money I’ve lent her over the last 3 months and I want it back so can’t kick her out now. DH wouldn’t let me anyway! She needs a few months to pay me off then she can sling her hook.

I’ve asked her many times to leave but she plays the mental health card, threatens to harm herself. She shouts and swears, calls me a cunt etc. She deliberately shouts as she knows I don’t like DSs and neighbours hearing so will back down. She has turned into a monster but certainly was not raised like this.

I, myself left home at 18 and was on mat leave, had a mortgage, baby (her) and DH by her age. Certainly don’t infantilise her, I want her gone but if someone says they’re coming home and then don’t, go incommunicado, then you do worry, no? She’s had issues with drinking and drugs in the past.

I’ve even paid for therapy for her as she said she was struggling but she didn’t go so I refused to continue paying for it so she said it’s my fault that she has MH problems!

This is my son, but not so much of the attitude, thankfully. He is 21, only diagnosed with autism when he was 19.

He cannot organise and run his own life, and simply telling him to do this, that or the other is pointless. He gets PIP, which I also manage for him.

You are not being unreasonable, she is, but the mental health issues etc., make it trickier to deal with.

My suggestion, going forward, is to assume she won't be home for meals and she had to tell you if she is. I would also stop messaging if she doesn't come home. If something bad has happened to her, you will find out. Whether or not you messaged won't alter the outcome.

If you back off a bit, then maybe that might leave a bit of room for conversations around her room etc.

Keykat · 09/07/2023 11:56

A big issue is the fact that your DH appears to pander to her and is not on your side. Of course she will turn to Dad and plead, so he lowers the rent, won't agree with you turning her out etc. That's the problem.

She KNOWS that no matter what she does, her father is not going to back you up, but he will give in to her.

Think about that a bit. If you and DH can be firm, lay down the rules, and act upon them in a united way, I think you might see some changes. I cannot believe your DH looks on while she treats you like that. So sorry for you.

MaggyNoodles · 09/07/2023 12:06

@HettyHetUp have you always had this dynamic or has there been a dramatic change?
It sounds like you're locked in controlling/rebelling cycle that you need to take a huge step back from. Remember that your sons are watching this and it will affect your future relationships with them one way or another.
Can you seek some support for yourself? Family counseling with or without your daughter?
As some sensible pp have suggested, firm boundaries and expectations coupled with some relationship building would be worth a try before you ask her to leave, or once she's left.

Rainbow1901 · 09/07/2023 12:07

LivingDeadGirlUK · 09/07/2023 09:02

If she wants to live like a lodger then she needs to pay rent and sort her own cooking and cleaning out.

Definitely this!!
You need to move the goal posts now!! Move the kids sharing into the bigger room - this gives you the opportunity to clear her mess out and then if she makes a mess she hasn't so much room to make the mess!!
If you charge for her room only and make it clear that she is responsible for everything else to do with herself.
So she has a drawer in the freezer and shelf in the fridge and ditto a cupboard for her foodstuff. She does her own washing/ironing and if she chooses to live in a tip then close the bedroom door. If she leaves her belongings in family space then pick it up and dump it on her bed!
If she isn't prepared to live like a family member and communicate when she will be around then she lives like a lodger!!
Finally, stop worrying!! It's natural to worry about our children but you need to loosen the apron strings a little. Does she worry about you when she is out? No!!? There's your answer!! Ease up!!

Quveas · 09/07/2023 12:15

MammaWeasel · 09/07/2023 00:51

She's 25!! Just ask her to let you know in advance if you're catering for her, otherwise you will assume not. Just send a "checking in" text if you haven't seen her for a couple of days. You sound rather uptight....let her be free.

She's a little too bloody free. She lives in her parents home, not a hotel. If she wants home comforts then she can pay for them and act like an adult. Otherwise she moves out. And OP, if she isn't around that much you tell her that in 4 weeks time DS will be moved to the room she occupies, and if she doesn't like it she may move out. It isn't fair that everyone is organising and dancing around her needs. As for the neighbours, I'd be more than happy for them to take her if they have any issues with the way I ran my home, so bugger what they hear! She wants to act like that, let and and let them draw their own conclusions.

CrazylazyJane · 09/07/2023 12:23

If she wants to come and go, care free like an adult, she needs to pay rent like an adult.
If she wants to live rent free in the family home then she has to be part of the family unit - ie. show some consideration for those who love and care for her by sending a polite text to say that she's staying out or she'd love a dinner dished up for her. She can't have it both ways. When I had to move back home in my 20s, my mum would worry about me if I didn't come home for the night. I thought it was fair enough, as I understood that she's my mum and she'll always worry about her kids safety. It's just the nice thing to do so that your mum / dad can go to bed and sleep well - "hiya mum, won't be home tonight. See you sometime tomorrow".

willWillSmithsmith · 09/07/2023 12:32

MammaWeasel · 09/07/2023 00:51

She's 25!! Just ask her to let you know in advance if you're catering for her, otherwise you will assume not. Just send a "checking in" text if you haven't seen her for a couple of days. You sound rather uptight....let her be free.

Yes she’s 25 so she should behave like a responsible adult not a wayward teenager. It doesn’t matter how old you are, if you’re living with someone who is not a flatmate you let them know if you’re staying away. It’s just courtesy and manners.

PhantomUnicorn · 09/07/2023 12:32

slightly different here, but i can see both sides of the coin.

I'm 40s, i live with my Mother, on the weekends the kids aren't here, i give her the courtesy of letting her know if i'm going to be here for food, but otherwise, what i do, where i go, and for how long, is none of her business...

The other week i told her not to wait up, intending to be home at 3/4am, and in the end, was out til 4pm the next day. She had a face on her when i came back in and i had to remind her i'm 42, not 14, and i do not need to 'check in' iwth her if my plans change and i decide to stop out, she apologised.

That being said, i do also do my fair share around the house, (more than, actually) pay rent, play taxi for her whenever she wants to go out, handle all her bills, and do all the maintenance, (i basically took over Dads role when he passed away) and if she was phoning me every few hours to chase me about stuff i'd be getting very pissed off.

Your daughter is expecting my level of freedom while behaving like a spoiled teen. Tell her to buck up or ship out.

JusthereforXmas · 09/07/2023 12:34

Why are you making dinner for a 25 year old?

Unless its an arranged in advanced thing like the family coming over for Sunday dinner/christmas dinner/some celebration etc... then I don't know anyone that cooks dinner for their adult child regardless of where they live.

Howyiz · 09/07/2023 12:36

For god sake, she is an adult.
She now has a job. It's time for her to get her own place.
Don't entertain anything else no matter the 'hissy fit'.
So what if the neighbours or your son's hear.

As for 'she wasn't raised like this' yeah, she was. You and your husband are continually letting her walk all over you and then seem shocked that she walks all over you! 🙄

KarmaStar · 09/07/2023 12:39

Yanbu she is an adult but will carry on like this as long as you allow her to.
You need to stop all cooking,don't buy her food,out a lock on fridge to stop her eating yours and put her in the smaller room.then give her notice to leave and stand by it.
Don't be guilted into backing down.