This is disgraceful behaviour for an adult, right?

[HettyHetUp]

DD 25 still living at home (unfortunately).

She insists she can’t afford to move out. Doesn’t want to move in with bf. Lots of issues about her cleaning up after herself, not doing anything around the house generally.

She regularly stays at bfs or other friends overnight. Sometimes not letting me know until I text her to ask if she’s coming home.

She regularly doesn’t answer phone or texts asking if she’s back for dinner.

I’d rather she just bugger off actually so DS can have her room which is only slept in half the week and still looks like a bomb site.

Last night (Friday) she said she was staying at a friends and would be back in the morning. Didn’t show which is not usual. I text her at 6pm asking if she’d be back for dinner, no response. Tried calling her during the evening but her phone goes straight to voicemail. No response to later texts.

She’s a relatively new driver so knows I worry if she doesn’t answer.

AIBU to think if you live with other people you let them what you’re doing so they don’t worry that something might have happened to you no matter how old you are?

She is being totally unreasonable if you live with your parents it is still courteous to let them know if you’ll back or else it’s obvious you will worry. Age is irrelevant.

When she moves out you wouldn’t have those immediate worries. She isn’t technically ‘free’ as she’s freeloading so she can’t expect the privileges of that. I would stop with the dinners etc and toughen up a bit though to be honest. Maybe sort the room out for your son and she can have a sofa bed in the living room or something.

I have a 22 and 21 yr old at home, both working, both driving. They pay a reasonable amount (£35 a week) for room, use of facilities. 'Mum' comes free, by that I mean help, advice, health support and hugs when things go wrong.
No food is involved. They sort themselves out. Often they eat with friends, they have small fridges in their rooms, they shop for their own stuff.
I have found that 'adulting' was a self fulfilling prophecy - once I started treating them as adults, they started acting like it.

She has no respect for you.

In her mind she doesn't see it's nessassary to answer your messages/calls she knows what she doing and sees it as none of your buisness, throws hissy fits and finds it exceptable behaviour.
She sounds like a nightmare child.

You're basically there to give her a roof over her head when she needs it and place food in front of her....all free of charge of course because why should she pay when you're giving it for free.

Her behaviour is never going to change so unfortunately it's yours that's going to have to.

Hissy fit or not you need to tell her that you can no longer afford to keep her and she needs to either get a job, earn her keep at home or move out.
You'll no longer be cooking her meals and she's not to help herself to food without asking.

She's obviously been behaving like, and getting away with this for sometime so it's probably a bit optimistic to think she'll change her ways anytime soon.
You just have to stick to your guns on this one.
Hard as it is and I know she's your DD but relationships should never be one sided and she has no right to treat you like her personal slave, but you have to stop allowing her to do it or things will never change.

So was I, but how is this relevant?

You need to both step back and expect more in my opinion. Don't let your anxiety rule your actions - it's making you overbearing and making you walk on eggshells around her tantrums. So DO have house rules and expect her to abide by them (up to you if you want to know who is in when) but do make them suitable for an adult, with some compromise and flexibility.

This!
Box up her stuff up & move the rooms around. Do it today.
YOU are her parent.
It is your house.
YOUR rules apply.
Ignore her selfish bad behaviour & hissy fits. Just leave the room if she kicks off.

She's 25! YABU

The rule here is that you have to inform me at least 24 hours ahead if you want food, end of no exceptions. If you don't state you'll be here for food you make your own (and shop for ingredients!) two young adults here, we don't charge board but you are expected to let me know what's happening

She’s 25.

Stop the calls/texts.

Stop making her dinner.

Don’t do her washing.

Let her live in a pigsty.

If she throws a hissy fit about any of it then tell her she’s not a child and is welcome to start acting like it.

My DS is 19 and still living at home. He pays bed and board, all we ask of him is to tell us if he's not home for tea. That being said I often cook as though he is going to be there and just freeze his meal for another night, that way nothing goes to waste.

If he cooks his own tea and doesn't clear up he gets a proper bollocking and told to sort it out. He looks after his own bedroom, and any other ad hoc jobs we ask of him, such as emptying the dishwasher, taking out bins or hoovering.

He's an adult now and so gets the right to come and go as he pleases. That being said he is still part of our family and living at home, in our house if you help make the mess, you help clean it.

I think in your situation I'd be sitting your daughter down and giving her an ultimatum, where if she chooses to stay at home she chooses to follow the house rules. If she doesn't want to follow the rules, she needs to move out. I would not be giving in to tantrums or putting up with any crap from her.

@HettyHetUp
If she cooks for herself, she won’t clear up after herself unless I lose my shit and I’m sick of it which is why I’ve told her she’s not to. We’re talking late night cooking and I come down to dirty hob and plates in sink

Take dirty plates up to her bedroom and dump them on her bed

Don't cook for her, you are causing an issue that you can do without. So she had a hissy fit when you didn't? Good grief, it's not a toddler you're dealing with. Tell her straight that she lives in your house as a contributing adult with expected standards of behaviour or she's out.

Tell her now that if she doesn't tell you reliably when she's in for dinner, you will not be making her dinner, and if she is going to have hissy fits about it, you won't be making her dinner at all.

Also, given that she is only using her room 50% of the time, tell her she is doing a swap with her brother.

Don't cook you less she says "mum please can I have dinner tonight" and you are happy to do so

She needs to contribute for the household - rent/food shop/ cook a night a week/ tidy her damn room

As for driving to boyfriends house etc that's a no go BUT as long as she lives in your house a little courtesy wouldn't go a miss. All your asking for is for her to let you know she is alive and that's something she should do

Just to answer a few questions, she has had keys, she lost them. I’ve told her to get a new key cut herself but she hasn’t. She has turned up at 3am before waking us up to open the door totally not giving a shit. DH and I both work.

She does her own washing but leaves it in the machine for ages and puts it in the dryer on boiling hot days as she can’t be bothered to hang it, leaves it in the dryer when she disappears etc.

She hasn’t paid rent for the last 3 months as she lost her job (regular occurrence) has recently started a new one but not been paid yet. Before that she was paying a nominal amount. DH actually lowered it as she was going on about it being too much. We had a massive row about it.

She owes me £1500 for money I’ve lent her over the last 3 months and I want it back so can’t kick her out now. DH wouldn’t let me anyway! She needs a few months to pay me off then she can sling her hook.

I’ve asked her many times to leave but she plays the mental health card, threatens to harm herself. She shouts and swears, calls me a cunt etc. She deliberately shouts as she knows I don’t like DSs and neighbours hearing so will back down. She has turned into a monster but certainly was not raised like this.

I, myself left home at 18 and was on mat leave, had a mortgage, baby (her) and DH by her age. Certainly don’t infantilise her, I want her gone but if someone says they’re coming home and then don’t, go incommunicado, then you do worry, no? She’s had issues with drinking and drugs in the past.

I’ve even paid for therapy for her as she said she was struggling but she didn’t go so I refused to continue paying for it so she said it’s my fault that she has MH problems!

In which case just tell her enough is enough. She needs to move out.

She will throw a hissy fit. You'll have to ignore it. She may block you/ignore you/storm off. You'll have to ignore it. She won't learn otherwise.

LET HER HAVE A HISSY FIT!

Don’t say anything, when she’s stopped hissing, TELL her that you’re not staff, that if she can’t give you the basic consideration to communicate like a decent person, then you are not going to pander to her or guess what she’s up to.

draw a HARD line.

“You’re 25 years old. You don’t need to live here, you should be looking at being a grown up and living independently. If you’re not going to treat the house/me/this family with basic common courtesy, then I will be asking you to speed up this process and fly the best sooner rather than later”

tell her that from now on you won’t be including her in your meal planning so she needs to plan and sort herself out.

she’s only staying there making you all miserable because you’re enabling this.

You’re going to have to write off the £1500, it’s not worth the hassle

tell her she needs to go and that’s that. She’s got the means to support herself now and she’s got a dumbass boyfriend, let him take the strain

OP I've read your posts but not all the replies so this has probably been suggested many times but this shows all the marker of drugs.

My mother could have written this post about me in my early 20s. I was oblivious and all I cared about was the next session.

I lived in complete chaos. I don't know how she didn't give up on me.

I sorted myself out because I realised this was not the life I planned for myself.

I'm sorry, this must be so painful to watch.

Could you try prioritising having time just for you and your daughter to chat (maybe a nice meal out once a week; my mum used to do that with me) about non stressful stuff and what's happening in her life.

Her behaviour sounds appalling and I don’t think anyone could blame you if you told her you weren’t prepared to have her living at home anymore.

But your focus on her not telling you her plans, and the extent to which you seem to be considering tracking her down, is also unreasonable.

25?! I cannot imagine how you’re even putting up with that, especially the “hissy fits” from a grown woman. Does she have additional needs or something that makes you feel you need to put up with this from her?
I’m only a few years older than your daughter and cannot imagine treating my mum like this but then I moved out at 18 to go to university and have been independent ever since that day. I can’t imagine treating my mum with such disdain. She sounds like a young stroppy teenager from this behaviour, how appalling. I feel for you. I’d be asking her to move out but in the meantime I hope she’s paying you rent or costs towards food and bills etc! If not she is really taking the p*ss out of you big time.

She's 25!! On her way to 30!

Time for a "sit down serious talk" because she's taking the utter piss.

My older sister did the exact same thing as your DD. Working full time, but still living with the parents, but treating it like a hotel. She did usually turn up for meals, but spent the rest of the time holed up in her room. Both sides got utterly sick of each other.
In the end, parents decided to move away, closer to the extended family, and told sister she wasn't coming with them. Basically, find somewhere else to live, or be homeless. Needless to say, it didn't do the relationship any favours. Sister is in her 40s now and the relationship is still a little strained.

I think you’re babying her. Stop checking up on her and stop cooking for her. Give her a deadline of say Easter 2024 when the boys will be having her room and she needs to move out by then if not before. Ask her to pay you £400 a month between now and then, and you will give that money back to her to put down as a deposit As and when she moves out. Time to grow up.

Kind but firm, needs to move out, signpost mental health services, you’ve done all you can, her life is now up to her.

Ok so I moved back in with my dad when I was in my early 20's, and stayed until I was 26-27 or so.

I actually typed out a response saying how unreasonable she was, but upon re-reading your initial post, I think you aren't helping at all. Regarding your OP: stop texting and calling her all the time. I think you both need a new default (and have this conversation with her so she knows) that you don't expect her for evening meals anymore. She isn't a child but I think having her in the house is making you default to seeing her as a child and checking up on her every time she isn't where you think she'll be.

TBH When I lived with my dad, he probably came out of it better than I did because I would clean shared living spaces semi-regularly. However, we also weren't on top of each other, we'd sit in an evening to watch a bit of telly but we both had our own things going on and only did family meals at weekends really unless we'd planned otherwise. I did my own laundry, had my own car, and had a job. I definitely didn't have him texting and calling me multiple times a day to make sure I was where I should be or whatever; thinking about the very idea of that just sounds like far too much on your part.

Also, definitely bring up the idea of switching rooms with your DS, for the reasons you've given. He's there full time, she isn't.

Good luck 😊