Paternal leave for undeserving man

[Singlemum19802023]

So, I often read these and think. “that can’t be true, it’s too unreasonable” but that REALLY IS the case here, or so I believe. Let me know if im
wrong.

I’ll not messaging to bitch or moan (however if you guys say I am being unreasonable then I’ll shut up about it!), more to get advice on what I need to do to draw attention to it.

Also, I never understand all the acronyms on here so if I do anything wrong I apologise!

Here goes…. I gave birth to a baby girl in Feb. It was after a brief 3 month fling with a guy. Didn’t go anywhere. No dramas. Informed him we were pregnant at 12 weeks and agreed to try to parent together (however he lives in Brighton, I’m in Manchester). I knew it would be me doing the work. No issues with that, just wanted my daughter to know who her dad is.

So…he works for NatWest, who, in Jan 2023, have given all men 6 months full pay paternity. Don’t get me wrong. This is a good thing for families and I totally support it. However, the father of my child is not here, he is not helping us on a day to day basis, he’s out on the beach with his mates having a whale of a summer at the expense of NatWest. Believe it or not, he has never asked me for my MAT B1, or the birth certificate, so I’ve no idea how NatWest even know he has a child!

It just seems like a crazy thing for a company to afford rights to their male colleagues that, I’m pretty sure their female colleagues don’t get (I’m sure they have to waddle in to HR with their MAT B1 to get Mat pay!)

I don’t know who to speak to to try to get them to look at this. I’m happy for parents to have the right to parental leave and I think it’s important for men to have this to support their families. But to allow anyone who “knocks up a girl” and refuses to take responsibility to also take 6 months full pay, plus accrued holiday, and a phased return to work, is an absolute abuse and a slap in the face to all of us that cope as single parents on Statutory Maternity!!!

I just don’t know what to do about what I feel is a complete injustice and a p** take of an important change in policy that should benefit families.

I’d be amazed if they ok this. Also, DH works for an amazingly progressive employer who allows 6m of SPL and was only able to take it if I curtailed my ML. So assuming you’re not doing that, I’m certain they won’t approve it.

WOW! That's absolutely disgraceful on his part OP. If he used the time to come and get to know his child, and give you some support, then I'd be all in favour of it, but using it as holiday, seems like he's just taking the piss. I think in your shoes, I'd be inclined in the first instance to write and tell his employer what's going on. Being past child bearing age, I'm not really up on the laws surrounding maternity these days, so can I ask, is this just a NatWest thing, or a legal requirement, as if it's just NatWest, then they may just re-think if they hear that people are taking the piss with it.

Totally agree with you.

My works policy is similar but the dad needs to have an “active role” in /responsibility for bringing up the child (not sure how one would prove that, but the principle is there). And we definitely ask for copy of matb1, ludicrous not to.

Most companies offering full paid leave to dads are doing it on individual basis, not as SHPL

I guess you have to look at why employers are changing their policies. They're doing it cause people are demanding a better work life balance. Men are wanting to do their share more and more. So this is a good change. Drawing attention to someone who is effectively abusing it / benefitting in a very unintended way is going to probably cause more harm than good for the men and families who really are just trying to get through those early months of parenthood.

So whilst I would be severely annoyed if I was in your position. I don't think you should do anything except remind him that he's fortunate to have so much paid time from work to get to know his daughter while she's tiny. Hopefully he takes the opportunity 🤷

FWIW my employer gives 8weeks full pay paternity leave. But now you mention it there is nothing official that they have to offer as evidence. Obviously every proud father will end up sharing pictures of their new baby so it's sort of 'proved' in that sense. But DH didn't need my MatB1 or anything - I'd never really thought about how weird that is until you just mentioned it. 🤔

I’ve thought this when someone I worked with ‘found out’ he was going to be a father - you could have a child every year.

My ex split up with 2 women when they were pregnant and both didn’t allow him to see the kids at 1st, bet he still took the leave though.

I think it's like pouring salt in the wound for you, but, women who are surrogates get 9 months mat leave despite not having the baby to care for too, so in that case it's very similar I guess? So I'm not really sure how I feel about it

It’s been approved. He’s already had it! He’s about to take his accrued holiday and has asked for a phased return to work which he is “entitled” to!

I mean they could have a child more often than that! They should have to provide something as evidence for sure

If he's already had it I don't know what you are hoping to be able to do about it?

I agree with you in some parts. I think it’s important that fathers get this right! However I don’t think it’s right to sit back and let something so precious be abused!

Thank you for your comments though. Gives me something to think about. X

The leave isn't for him, its for the child's benefit. So ask him how's he going to benefit your child.

Think it’s just NatWest at the moment. But other companies are following suit. Like I said, I think it’s a good idea, but there needs to be more control over it!

Absolutely not similar and very offensive to those who lose a child in those first few months. If you have carried and birthed a child your body needs to recover. That is partly what the time is for.

Surely to god without lack of evidence of a pregnancy NatWest is leaving themselves very vulnerable here?! They’ll have a influx in a minute! All it will take is even this to make it onto SM lol.

YANBU

Good point, I wonder what the most any man has ever taken 🤔

DH’s company does similar (he’s currently doing 4 months fully paid - not SPL so my mat leave doesn’t change).

I agree with PP that it’s shit if people take advantage, but good that this is offered.

I don’t see how rules around ‘must be playing an active role’ or something would work. There’s no way HR could decide in advance whether someone is going to be a good dad.

Why are you so bothered though really? It's up to employers whether they have some sort of criteria or threshold. Usually shared parental leave has always been just that, sharing it between both parents so invariably the woman has a shorter mat leave.

Yeah I'd just email the customer services at natwest asking for the HR email. Then feed it back to them.

My previous workplace did this and it didn't impact the mother's maternity leave/pay at all. The father could take 6 months almost fully paid by the company. There was a lot of couples who worked there so they would often be off at the same time for ages. I have no idea how he has been able to claim this without proof

This has got to be a pisstake surely.

My kids dad had to provide a copy of the Mat B for paternal leave for both DC. And that was only a measly 2 weeks!

Totally agree noglow.

Why though?

Put in your claim for cms
That is all you can do

To help them see their system is open to abuse. Or don't. Up to OP.

If he is entitled to it then he is entitled to it.
Don't see many other people, even on here, handing back child benefit to the government or a weeks unused holiday to their employer for example.