Paternal leave for undeserving man

[Singlemum19802023]

So, I often read these and think. “that can’t be true, it’s too unreasonable” but that REALLY IS the case here, or so I believe. Let me know if im
wrong.

I’ll not messaging to bitch or moan (however if you guys say I am being unreasonable then I’ll shut up about it!), more to get advice on what I need to do to draw attention to it.

Also, I never understand all the acronyms on here so if I do anything wrong I apologise!

Here goes…. I gave birth to a baby girl in Feb. It was after a brief 3 month fling with a guy. Didn’t go anywhere. No dramas. Informed him we were pregnant at 12 weeks and agreed to try to parent together (however he lives in Brighton, I’m in Manchester). I knew it would be me doing the work. No issues with that, just wanted my daughter to know who her dad is.

So…he works for NatWest, who, in Jan 2023, have given all men 6 months full pay paternity. Don’t get me wrong. This is a good thing for families and I totally support it. However, the father of my child is not here, he is not helping us on a day to day basis, he’s out on the beach with his mates having a whale of a summer at the expense of NatWest. Believe it or not, he has never asked me for my MAT B1, or the birth certificate, so I’ve no idea how NatWest even know he has a child!

It just seems like a crazy thing for a company to afford rights to their male colleagues that, I’m pretty sure their female colleagues don’t get (I’m sure they have to waddle in to HR with their MAT B1 to get Mat pay!)

I don’t know who to speak to to try to get them to look at this. I’m happy for parents to have the right to parental leave and I think it’s important for men to have this to support their families. But to allow anyone who “knocks up a girl” and refuses to take responsibility to also take 6 months full pay, plus accrued holiday, and a phased return to work, is an absolute abuse and a slap in the face to all of us that cope as single parents on Statutory Maternity!!!

I just don’t know what to do about what I feel is a complete injustice and a p** take of an important change in policy that should benefit families.

It's a bit weird that they don't ask for proof but how does it affect you?

You hardly even know the bloke really and his leave doesn't take anything away from yours, does it?

So if I was a woman, for example inner same-sex relationships and my partner were to have a baby, would I be entitled to 6 months maternity leave or paternity leave? Just asking for a friend as the mother of five that’s literally never had paid leave.

He's taken the complete piss with his employer. He's obviously mislead them. I don't believe he'd qualify if they knew you're in two different locations and he's not taken the leave to actively parent. My dh's work give up to a year off (not on full pay though) and he didn't have to provide anything to prove we'd had a child to take it - so I can see how someone could get away with this. It's infuriating though because it's not what it's intended for and I consider it stealing from his company by taking the leave and pay when he's not even spending the time with his child or assisting you in any way. Very dishonest.

A friend's partner dumped her when she found out she was pregnant, refused to see her and blocked her number. When the baby was born, she tried once more to get in touch, and emailed a baby photo to him at work. His out of office said he was on paternity leave. What a dick.

You should be yes - it should be called shared parental leave or something rather than paternity leave.

Who knows that might have been with another kid!

Seriously though its really shit behaviour isn't it

Entitled? Not sure that means that you should abuse whatever you can for your own gain and use your child for that! Maybe some mums do? But it’s not right surely!

Basically if it was me, I would tweet the Natwest with all of his information and details. They might not be able to do anything, but it’ll be certainly noted by those in a position to promote etc

That’s very interesting I mean I’m not in a same-sex relationships etc. But apparently proof isn’t required sooooooo

I agree with @Curiosity101. It is a good thing and drawing attention to an abuse isn’t achieving anything other than spoiling it for the 99.9% of fathers who don’t abuse it. The only loser here in financial terms is NatWest and, given its profits, I can’t summon much sympathy.

Why would you feel the need to be so bitter, it is not impacting OPs life at all whether he is at work 300 miles away or not.

I’m pretty sure that in order to cover the costs of the paternity leave the maternity pay was cut there to cover the costs so once again women lose out for men’s ‘rights’.

if this kind of thing is rolled out to all
companies then I find it an affront to women. Any guy who knocks up his girlfriend and refuses to take responsibility gets the added bonus of 6 months off work? I have a daughter. I don’t want her to live in that world!

These paternity rights have been fought for for years in order to support women giving birth. For some sperm donor to be so entitled to claim it is disgusting.

you realise there are females whove given birth who don’t get as much time off in the world with the newborns. The patriarchy strikes again. And who is the 1st to defend it, the cool girl gang

I get you. But this is a relatively new thing. Surely a little more thought needs to be put into it to ensure it’s not abused. Can’t be another time where as women we are told “it’s unfair, but put up and shut up!”

Yes he's taking the piss, but if you report him he may trace it back to you.
Is it really worth setting the tone for any future co-parenting relationship by reporting him?
If you have to deal with him in any capacity in future it would probably be easier to let it slide.

Not bitter. Worried for the rights of my new daughter. Couldn’t give a crap what he does. But I want my girl to grow up in a world that is fair!

I get why you are annoyed, and I would be too. But if they have given him leave with no evidence then it is clearly open to abuse.

My husband took paternity leave and I was surprised how trusting his work were, but HR asked for my MATb1 form when he returned.

Assuming a MATb1 form is needed, what's stopping a woman providing a MATb1 form to several different men? Would a man have to repay the money he received on leave if he found out he wasn't the father at a later date?

If a man supports a pregnant woman as her partner, can he take paternity leave since no DNA tests are required I assume?

In this case it's not shared parental leave so doesn't impact on the woman's mat leave. If a company decides to offer 6 months paid to men who become fathers (which he is even though he's a shit one) then it's up to them to police it or not. If legislation was changed or whatever then sure, but private companies can do what they please; unless you're suggesting that natwest offer something lesser to new mothers as part of their maternity package? Overall the amount of men who will take it and support their partners at least a bit is going to be higher than the few who have zero to do with their child and just want a jolly. I don't see how it's bad for women in this case unless their maternity pay or terms are cut to compensate for it.

Meanwhile NatWest just closed my local branch and my nearest one is a 40 minute drive away 🙄.

Conversley though if your daughter does one day have children changes like this will probably benefit her. Its unfortunate he isn't a partner to you or an active father to her, but I'm not sure how you're proposing companies would police this, or whether you're suggesting it shouldn't exist at all?

I don't see the problem personally. If the company is giving the leave then it's been costed out, budgeted and paid for already. It's not up to you or anyone else to police whether he's using allowed leave "appropriately" or not - it's between him and his employer. He's still a father and will be paying child maintenance for 18 years; not sure 6 months off work means he's going to "come out ahead" in that deal!

Also as others have said this isn't a zero sum game. Men getting more leave doesn't mean women get less.

Wow OP!
My DH gets up to 6m full pay for parental leave too with his company, but it's shared parental leave so whatever he has means I get less.
Are you 100% sure his leave isn't going to affect yours / you're not going to be asked to curtail your leave or payback any maternity pay?

For us it was fab as I took 10 months, he then took 2 and it allowed a transition for our daughter into childcare / being away from me etc. Also, I didn't get any enhanced pay on maternity leave - just SMP so by month 10 I was on £0, so it was financially beneficial to us.

But to do what your daughters father has done is a disgrace. I would 100% be speaking to NatWest HR and letting them know about the piss take - maybe not mentioning names depending on if you don't want to get him into trouble etc. But so others don't take the piss in the future. Not what it should be used for!!

I absolutely believe that men should be able to have the time to help with their families and see their children. 100%! But to see it get abused like this is shocking.

I don’t have the answers, I honestly hoped someone else might if I posted!