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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sis & wedding..seriously stressed

156 replies

BluNomad · 08/07/2023 19:44

Sorry long post….Cousin getting married in August, big fancy affair in 5* country hotel, looking forward to it. My DH & I are staying in the hotel the night of the wedding & my sis/bil were also offered first refusal on a room (which were discounted anyway due to wedding party) they declined as they didn’t want to spend that kind of money on a room they’d barely spend any time in..fair enough so they are staying in a hotel a few miles from venue. Now the wedding is child free, clearly stated on invites plus my sis & I knew this prior to invites going out as we are close with our cousin & she has regularly discussed the arrangements with us. DH & I have one DC who is going to my ils for weekend of the wedding. My sis & bil have a one dc 8 months who they have now decided cannot possibly spend the night away from them so my sis mentioned few weeks ago that she’s just going to bring dc & as we’re close to cousin she won’t mind but she’s not going to tell her. DH & I said of course you cannot just turn up with dc that’s extremely rude given you accepted the no child invite, she basically said she doesn’t care & that’s what’s happening. DH said he is going to tell cousin unless they do, so she did & cousin said (in nicest possible way) absolutely not. Now sis is saying she’s bringing dc but they can just use our suite at the venue to take turns looking after dc but I know that dc will end up asleep & either we’ll have him with us overnight or my sis or bil will fall asleep in the room & will end up in our suite for the night plus I don’t want anyone in our room, it will be a mess if they’re using it & nephew will end up in our bed. I’m seriously dreading the whole wedding now as what I was expecting to be a lovely weekend with our family & friends plus bonus of us spending a night in a luxury suite with my dh is being hijacked by my sis & bil. I haven’t mentioned it to my dh yet as he’ll be furious & I’ll rather handle it with my sis before hand but I don’t know how to & it’s massively stressing me. Just to point out my sis is extremely entitled & doesn’t take no well & I don’t want to fall out with her & it be frosty at the wedding I want us to all enjoy the day together. AIBU just say no & deal/ignore her strop which I’m expecting will be inevitable

OP posts:
FiloPasty · 08/07/2023 19:48

Pull your big girl pants up and tell your sister that she will not be using your suite. That you’ve spent the money as a treat and it’s not her room to use. Let her get pissy and entitled, you are not in the wrong.

lpedst · 08/07/2023 19:48

You just need to be blunt and say no they won't be using the expensive room you paid for when they didn't want the expense.

noglow · 08/07/2023 19:48

You paid for the room say no. Don't let them have the key. Tell them you want to be able to go and have a quickie whenever you feel like it - that will shut them up.

Justlovedogs · 08/07/2023 19:51

FiloPasty · 08/07/2023 19:48

Pull your big girl pants up and tell your sister that she will not be using your suite. That you’ve spent the money as a treat and it’s not her room to use. Let her get pissy and entitled, you are not in the wrong.

This, all day long.

Callyem · 08/07/2023 19:53

Tell her outright NO! If she wants a suite she shall have to book a suite, or attempt to encroach on someone elses and not yours.

BlueAndGreen89 · 08/07/2023 19:54

Don’t give your sister the key, tell her no. She’s being very rude and entitled.

catandgirlmum · 08/07/2023 19:54

She sounds like my sister!!! I understand where you are coming from not wanting to cause an atmosphere and drama because if she is anything like my sister it would get twisted and she would end up making you feel like the unreasonable one. You just need to be strong, put up those boundaries and keep in mind she is being extremely unreasonable (when she inevitably starts making you feel guilty for saying no!)

Curseofthenation · 08/07/2023 19:54

Your DSis is a CF. If you agree to let baby stay in your room then your cousin may very well consider you to be in on the cheeky fuckery.

I would tell your cousin what DSis plans to do but ask her to not directly let your DSis know that you disclosed this information. Your cousin can then send a firm message to DSis to clarify that she will be refused entry to the venue if she has her baby with her.

I say this as someone that was invited to a childfree wedding when I had an 8 month old. I turned down the invite but the bride accepted me with my baby. I also don't really agree with under 1s being excluded from weddings but it's your cousin's wedding and her choice. Your DSis needs to turn down the invite or suck it up.

Totalwasteofpaper · 08/07/2023 19:55

Let your sister bring her child. Let the bride and groom deal with it.

Stop talking to your sister about it. At all.

at the wedding if she mentions it laugh and say you assumed she was joking. They will have to not drink and go back to their own hotel room.

Under no circumstances give them the key to your room and contact the hotel via ail before you arrive to advise that people get carried away at wedding but this is you first night away from your baby, privacy is important and no matter what anyone in the wedding party says... they should give no one access to your room other than yourself or your husband.

sandyhappypeople · 08/07/2023 19:56

I’d just tell her you don’t agree with what she’s decided to do and don’t want to be accused of facilitating her (which you would be doing if you volunteer your room) I’d make sure she knows now so she can make other arrangements though.

MichelleScarn · 08/07/2023 19:58

An absolute no, and also make sure the hotel know not to give your key out!

LongDarkTeatime · 08/07/2023 20:01

To be fair to your cousin, and to protect their wedding day, you need to be direct with your sister. If you let then use your suite you'll be complicit in going against your cousin's wishes.
Ring the hotel and find out if there are rooms available & what the rate is. Then msg your sister (written record) that you're not willing to go against cousins wishes so they cannot use your room. She's an adult and she can decide if she is going to be sly and just do it anyway. You can tell her the cost of a room.

CantFindTheBeat · 08/07/2023 20:02

You're going to have to be brave and tell her.

"Sorry, we've booked the room as a treat and are looking forward to some child-free luxury as you know we are leaving our DC with MIL. We don't get this chance often so you'll have to make other plans"

TumbleweedRolling · 08/07/2023 20:06

YANBU!

You’re sister is crazy, selfish and entitled!
Hard to believe someone really would be this awful.

Is this her usual personality?

Ellie1015 · 08/07/2023 20:07

Just say no. Sis needs to find a sitter if bany can't be left then her dh stays at home and she attends alone with huge apologies to bride and groom if she has already rsvp'd yes for 2 adults and only one attending.

How would they even decide who gets dinner and who sits in room? They are planning to bring the dc back your cousin and do not offer any help ie use of your room.

Heyisforhorses · 08/07/2023 20:08

You've did it yourself, you'll lose your room and your cousins trust If you allow the child to go up to it. Tell her no, if she's annoyed it's tough. Either her or her husband will have to stay home with the child. Hopefully it'll be her and you'll have a great time at the wedding

Baldieheid · 08/07/2023 20:08

Why do you feel its your responsibility to stop your sister having a meltdown?

Say no. Repeat "no" ad infinitum. Do not give her the key, ensure hotel reception know that you are NOT sharing access to your room with anyone, and be very clear with anyone who asks that sister was given first refusal on a room for herself but decided to stay elsewhere.

That room represents your sister stomping over your needs and wants. Don't allow her to walk over you. I'm guessing she's used to doing that, but it's time to stop it.

Will she have a tantrum? Undoubtedly.
Will she make a fuss and try to get others involved? Probably.
Will she use emotional bullying to try to get you to give up your room to her? Yes. She already is.

Do you want to swap rooms and hotels with her? If you're prepared to do that and she gives you the cost difference, in cash, then do that and book a taxi to the other hotel (her paying, of course).

Otherwise they're going to be sleeping in the luxury room that you've paid for whilst you and your DH wander the corridors wishing you'd grown a bloody spine.

5128gap · 08/07/2023 20:10

If your DH was comfortable issuing a you tell her or I will ultimatum then surely he's comfortable in telling them they can't use the room?
Frankly I think you'd have been better off had he kept out of it as it would have had nothing to do with you then.
You sister is in the wrong but I can't fathom what made your DH involve himself between two members of your family.

leopard22 · 08/07/2023 20:13

If the baby is in suite she will 100% end up bringing them down to the wedding at some point and then your cousin may well be mad with you for being "part of it" and that's without the fact you don't want her in your room!

I think your plan of telling her it's not happening and ignoring the sulk is the way forward, once you've firmly told her no just don't engage with anymore questions over it (and defo tell your cousin because she'll still be looking for a way to bring the baby)

Original poster
BluNomad · 08/07/2023 20:13

I know I need to say no but I just know what she is like, it will undoubtedly cause friction at the wedding which I can do without. I spoke with our mum about it & she wasn’t surprised about my sis’s behaviour in fact she said that’s why she’s glad that she’s not staying at the venue. My mum also pointed out that it’s likely she’ll try & rope me into some babysitting if I agree. Maybe I’ll take cowards way out & get my DH to tell her, he couldn’t care less if she get the knock with him!

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 08/07/2023 20:15

People like your sister get away with things because the whole family enables them.

I sympathise, OP. I only recently called my own similar sister out for the first time, and I'm 56!!!

Lacucuracha · 08/07/2023 20:16

Who cares if she gets upset? She doesn’t care about taking over your suite and upsetting you.

You are going to feel so muggish if you let this happen. If DH is happy to be the one to tell her no, let him.

But either of you can just say this is much needed child free time and you wouldn’t give up your room for a king.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/07/2023 20:17

CantFindTheBeat · 08/07/2023 20:02

You're going to have to be brave and tell her.

"Sorry, we've booked the room as a treat and are looking forward to some child-free luxury as you know we are leaving our DC with MIL. We don't get this chance often so you'll have to make other plans"

This is great.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2023 20:19

Sorry, op, but grow a fucking backbone. I'd be furious if I were your husband and found out you were too immature and cowardly to put your cow of a sister in her place. Who fucking cares if your sister has a tantrum? You ignore her if she does.

Tell your sister right now that her little plan to use your room will not be happening and refuse to discuss it. There is nothing to discuss.

FictionalCharacter · 08/07/2023 20:19

FiloPasty · 08/07/2023 19:48

Pull your big girl pants up and tell your sister that she will not be using your suite. That you’ve spent the money as a treat and it’s not her room to use. Let her get pissy and entitled, you are not in the wrong.

100% this, and as PPs have said, make sure the hotel know that someone has hinted about using your room and the key must not be given to anyone other than you and dh. You may have to tell them that she might say she’s you to get the key! She cannot be allowed to steal your suite from you, force you to look after her child and spoil your day.
You are not responsible for her behaviour or for liaising between her and the bride either.

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